My first Thanksgiving in my own house was....... very nice. :) My mom still cooked everything but I did make the mashed potatoes.
To continue the last update, the last several months have been a journey. Some of it has been challenging, most of it is due to my daily routine and my commute, which is 4 hours a day. I've gotten better at dealing with it but 4 hours is still 4 hours. Mostly, it's my routine. Sometimes it just feels like all I do is wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch a little TV, go to bed, sleep, wake up, start all over again. Day in and day out. My days off consist of spending 1 day at the hospital (doctor's appts, exams, chemo, etc.) and 1 day cleaning and taking care of the pets. Week after week, month after month. Until I stop and look back and wonder, what have I been doing? What does my life consist of? Is this all there is?
If you asked me, Maria, are you happy? I would answer honestly: Yes, I am happy. For the most part. I am generally happy.
Why?
I like having a house. I didn't at first, I missed living in the middle of everything. I missed our apartment. I missed not being responsible for things when they broke down, just call the landlord. But now I take great pride in my house, I love fixing it up. It actually makes me really really happy. Since we moved in, Clay and I have redone a room (got rid of the wallpaper, painted, added baseboards), cleaned up the backyard (it used to be like a jungle back there, we got rid of some plants for a cleaner look and removed some awnings), redid half of the bathroom (new toilet, new shower head, new towel hangers), and added trim to our windows. It doesn't sound like a lot but let me tell you, it was! Our lawn had not been mowed or trimmed in like 4 month. One day I had been coming back from walking the dogs and in the distance I saw a patch of overgrown grass, it completely stood out from the rest, and I thought to myself, wow that person's lawn is so terrible, worst than anyone's on the block. I hope it's not mine. But as I got closer and closer, the truth made me hang my head in shame. That terrible patch of grass belonged to our house. I was so embarrassed. So I finally just called a gardening company and they came and cut my grass, trimmed the edges, weeded our roses, and trimmed some hanging plants. And it made such a difference! We're finally not the ones with the worst yard and it has made me supremely happy. Yes, I take great pride in our home and making it look nice.
Having a house has also allowed us to have what has brought me the greatest joy, as well as the most trouble: our dogs. Now I love my girls, my mischievous Choo Choo and my sweetness GG. I love them to death. Nothing makes me happier than when they've had their baths and are laying side by side munching on their pig's ears. But boy they are a lot of work. They are not small dogs either. We can't leave anything laying around. Not shoes, not purses, not magazines, not flip flops, not stuffed animals..... Only this week they, 1) got into a lower cabinet where we kept our reserve paper towels and I came home to find our front yard covered in paper towel remains, 2) got into the bathroom and Diego came home to find toilet paper strewn all over the living room, 3) went into the garage and broke into a box and we found broken wineglasses and the newspapers that used to protect them strewn all over the front and back yard, and finally, 4) the same day as #3, also ripped open 2 boxes of nails and spread them all over the patio. Nothing in our living room has escaped their endless gnawing (more like Choo Choo's gnawing). Not the coffee table, not the dining table, not the chairs, not the night stand, not the futon.......... GG is still not completely housebroken, so unfortunately every now and then I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing her accidents. And our couches are covered in their hair. And when they haven't had a bath in awhile, guess what? That's what our living room smells like. Like dirty doggies. So I love them, but they are not easy pets to have.
I like living in a house with Clay. Most summer nights would find us outside grilling steaks, swinging in our bench swing. Even though Clay didn't have a job the entire summer, we weren't unhappy. It was domestic bliss. We had long ago given up going out. At first I thought I missed it but then one night we went bar hopping and I realized I didn't really miss it at all. I had more fun when I stayed home with my doggies and my boyfriend, all of us cuddling on the couch.
These things bring joy to my life. But they are very simple things: my home, my pets, my love. And they are enough to keep me generally happy.
But sometimes......
My health....... well, I still have Hodgkin's. Unfortunately, anytime I stop treatment my symptoms return: fevers and night sweats. In case I didn't mention it before, I finally had my PICC line taken out. No more having to wrap it everytime I showered and no more weekly afternoons at the hospital to have it cleaned and flushed. But I have reached a point where a new road must be taken. I am not getting better. The treatments I have done so far have helped prevent my disease from spreading quickly but they have not gotten rid of it. I can't continue like this forever. I have to do something to get better because otherwise I'll just get worse. I meet with my doctor December 1st to discuss what to do about the future. So that I can hope to have a future.
My job....... I like what I do but it's not a career really. I do it because I enjoy it right now. I just don't know how many more years I'll continue to enjoy it.
Clay started a new job about a month ago and is also in the midst of beginning a new business. He is opening a ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. Like I said, the man is ambitious and I'm extremely proud of him.......... But for awhile there we didn't see each other much and I started wishing that he wasn't so ambitious.......... I just missed him that was all. I went from having him around all the time to not at all, and when I did see him he was stressed out from all the things he had to do. I had to pick up the slack at home and I was dealing with my own stresses. I'll be honest, we went from bragging about how we had the perfect relationship to arguing on a daily basis. I worried that we were drifting apart. It was a tough couple of months. Eventually a good friend made me realize that I needed to give Clay the space and support he needed to pursue his dreams and I think Clay realized that I needed to feel that I was still a priority. The studio is almost ready to open, he just needs to get one last thing approved before he can open for business. He hired someone to teach classes and he'll also sell his own work as well. I am in awe of him. It really takes a lot of guts to do what he is doing. I hope with all my heart that he finds success with it. I haven't been that involved but I hope that in the future I can help him in any way I can. For now the dream team has been his sister Jessica, my brother Sergio, and him. They have done an unbelievable job.
And that's it really. The things that are not that great do not overshadow the things that are great. But like I said, even though I find that I am generally happy, sometimes I find myself wondering, is that all there is? Is this really all there is to life?
I guess I can summarize it like this: At first I was unhappy, then I found a routine that brought me happiness in its simplicity and stability, and now I am wondering if I am dissatisfied by it. But I don't think I am. I think I am happy! It's just that lately....... I guess I'm trying to figure out if I need more. Do I need more to make me happy?
My friend Marty has made me realize that maybe I'm this way because my 30th birthday is coming up. It would make sense. I'm taking a look around and evaluating my life, assessing, taking inventory, analyzing, wondering, can I do more? What more can I do to enrich my life? What more do I need? I'll have to think about it. Hopefully if I realize that I need more, I will do more.
Maybe I just need more hobbies. :)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
important thoughts
I've typed out and deleted so many sentences now that I might as well just admit that I don't really know what to say. I want to explain what has happened the last several months but it just feels like so much and i just don't know if i want to make the effort. and of course normally i want to say everything perfect and i don't want to make mistakes but inevitably, this perfectionism is what prevents me from just writing.
so maybe i'll just write and i won't think or correct. or i will try not to as much.
so basically since the last time i wrote, clay was laid off and then several months later offered another job, 3 days after signing a lease to open up his own ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. so he decided to do both and now is currently working as a general manager for a condo building and also working on opening a ceramics studio. i have to give it to him, he's ambitious. he had a soft opening a few weeks ago and is trying to tie up some loose ends before officially opening for business. it's amazing really. at some point i will post pictures and get into more detail.
i have terrible news.......... my fish died!!! yes i was devastated, clay had to break it to me gently (the jerk told me it ran away). i really loved that fish. i didn't care that it would never show affection, that it didn't play, i still loved him. i packed up his aquarium and said my good bye. clay offered to get me another fish but i realized i that didn't want another fish to love that might die sooner rather than later. rip higgins o'fishley...........
but then a bundle of joy entered my life...... my dog GG! my brother sergio has a pitbull that had puppies several months ago and clay and i asked if we could have one. her name is GG and we love her to death. she is the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. i love taking choo choo and gg out on walks together (even though the first time i did i tripped and fell on all fours and swore i would never do it again). she is a blue nose pitbull. again, i have plenty of pictures i will post later. she really is a cutie. it's funny because all of my neighbors have little white fluffy dogs who are always barking and running out into the street. my dogs don't do that so i'm always secretly pleased that my girls are so well behaved in comparison! makes me so proud...... :) what can i say, i love love love my choo choo and my gg (and my cat, let's not forget my scootie while i'm spreading the love around).
my youngest brother diego also lives with me now. it's a long story but i am happy he is here. the best perk: my mom comes over to cook for him, but of course can't just cook for him so is forced to cook for all of us. whohooooo! man i love my mom's cooking! i have finally admitted that i will never be the type of woman that will make thanksgiving dinner for the whole family. it's just not in me. i don't know what it is about cooking that just doesn't appeal to me. i mean, i like food. i just can't stand cooking. it's disappointing because i really did want to be that kind of woman, the kind that just threw things in the oven and out came a feast. i always thought, well when i grow up, i'll be like that but i finally had to admit that i was grown up and i'll never be like that. and it's ok.
other big news, i have a niece! here is the novela: last winter my brother sergio's ex told him she was pregnant after they broke up and then she disappeared and no one mentioned her all year long, month after month (although i would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from her and no one had), until one day she called out of the blue to say she'd had a baby girl named Sophie and did we want to meet her. so sophie entered my life. she is 3 months old and oh so beautiful. i love smelling her baby smell. so out of all places, i will bare my soul here. when i am around her, i am both happy and sad. so happy to see how beautiful life is, how much promise in the future. i look at her looking at her mama and i can see the love there, between mother and daughter......... and it makes me so happy, so happy to see that love, and so sad. i..... i just don't know if i'll ever have that. i just don't know........ and the thought makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up, and my heart ache.........
god i didn't realize i would write that...........
what makes me sad is knowing that i'll probably never have my own kids one day. and i can't believe i'm saying this here but if i can't say it here then where can i?
i might never have my own kids one day, and that makes me so so sad.
(i have to admit, i almost deleted this post. i seriously sat here and almost deleted everything i wrote. i guess i just don't know why i write. for myself? for other people? especially that last thought. it's really personal and i wrote it for me but i realize other people will read it and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed. do i want other people to know that about me? this is the real reason i haven't written in a while. i want to be honest. to write honestly. to bare my soul, talk about the things that make me sad, that scare me, that worry me. but i start to and then realize i have said too much, revealed too much, exposed too much. so if i can't write honestly, why bother writing at all? i want to open myself up but i don't know if i want people to actually look in. it's complicated isn't it? i think i will have to rethink my blogging. because when write i want to feel uninhibited, and it's not how i feel now.........)
so maybe i'll just write and i won't think or correct. or i will try not to as much.
so basically since the last time i wrote, clay was laid off and then several months later offered another job, 3 days after signing a lease to open up his own ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. so he decided to do both and now is currently working as a general manager for a condo building and also working on opening a ceramics studio. i have to give it to him, he's ambitious. he had a soft opening a few weeks ago and is trying to tie up some loose ends before officially opening for business. it's amazing really. at some point i will post pictures and get into more detail.
i have terrible news.......... my fish died!!! yes i was devastated, clay had to break it to me gently (the jerk told me it ran away). i really loved that fish. i didn't care that it would never show affection, that it didn't play, i still loved him. i packed up his aquarium and said my good bye. clay offered to get me another fish but i realized i that didn't want another fish to love that might die sooner rather than later. rip higgins o'fishley...........
but then a bundle of joy entered my life...... my dog GG! my brother sergio has a pitbull that had puppies several months ago and clay and i asked if we could have one. her name is GG and we love her to death. she is the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. i love taking choo choo and gg out on walks together (even though the first time i did i tripped and fell on all fours and swore i would never do it again). she is a blue nose pitbull. again, i have plenty of pictures i will post later. she really is a cutie. it's funny because all of my neighbors have little white fluffy dogs who are always barking and running out into the street. my dogs don't do that so i'm always secretly pleased that my girls are so well behaved in comparison! makes me so proud...... :) what can i say, i love love love my choo choo and my gg (and my cat, let's not forget my scootie while i'm spreading the love around).
my youngest brother diego also lives with me now. it's a long story but i am happy he is here. the best perk: my mom comes over to cook for him, but of course can't just cook for him so is forced to cook for all of us. whohooooo! man i love my mom's cooking! i have finally admitted that i will never be the type of woman that will make thanksgiving dinner for the whole family. it's just not in me. i don't know what it is about cooking that just doesn't appeal to me. i mean, i like food. i just can't stand cooking. it's disappointing because i really did want to be that kind of woman, the kind that just threw things in the oven and out came a feast. i always thought, well when i grow up, i'll be like that but i finally had to admit that i was grown up and i'll never be like that. and it's ok.
other big news, i have a niece! here is the novela: last winter my brother sergio's ex told him she was pregnant after they broke up and then she disappeared and no one mentioned her all year long, month after month (although i would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from her and no one had), until one day she called out of the blue to say she'd had a baby girl named Sophie and did we want to meet her. so sophie entered my life. she is 3 months old and oh so beautiful. i love smelling her baby smell. so out of all places, i will bare my soul here. when i am around her, i am both happy and sad. so happy to see how beautiful life is, how much promise in the future. i look at her looking at her mama and i can see the love there, between mother and daughter......... and it makes me so happy, so happy to see that love, and so sad. i..... i just don't know if i'll ever have that. i just don't know........ and the thought makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up, and my heart ache.........
god i didn't realize i would write that...........
what makes me sad is knowing that i'll probably never have my own kids one day. and i can't believe i'm saying this here but if i can't say it here then where can i?
i might never have my own kids one day, and that makes me so so sad.
(i have to admit, i almost deleted this post. i seriously sat here and almost deleted everything i wrote. i guess i just don't know why i write. for myself? for other people? especially that last thought. it's really personal and i wrote it for me but i realize other people will read it and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed. do i want other people to know that about me? this is the real reason i haven't written in a while. i want to be honest. to write honestly. to bare my soul, talk about the things that make me sad, that scare me, that worry me. but i start to and then realize i have said too much, revealed too much, exposed too much. so if i can't write honestly, why bother writing at all? i want to open myself up but i don't know if i want people to actually look in. it's complicated isn't it? i think i will have to rethink my blogging. because when write i want to feel uninhibited, and it's not how i feel now.........)
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