Oh They Got Me! The Chills, They Got Me!

You know, you never realize how much hair you have until it all starts falling out. My hair literally all fell out in a span of 3 days. I won't lie, I did freak out the first 2 days. It was just sooooo much hair. I was pulling clumps out every time I touched my head and every morning my pillow was covered in hair. My brother Eduardo (who just recently shaved his head) swears I'm trying to copy him. I must say though, the breeze feels good on my bald head.

That's the thing though, it fell out so fast, I only had like 2 days to mourn it before it was all gone. Then it was pointless to cry over something that was done. I liked that. The first time my hair fell out, it thinned out slowly over 6 agonizing months. And even then I didn't have any bald spots. This was done and over in under 5 days. I don't have to worry about it or think about it anymore.

These last 5 days have been crazy. My hair fell out, I got an eye infection, and I developed another infection that my doctors think is from my port. The eye infection is actually starting to go away now (I was scared it was pink eye but it wasn't), the doctor gave me a prescription antibiotic eye cream that's really working. Of course I had to deal with the pink eye jokes first but at least it's going away.

Then came the unknown infection. The fever and chills started on Friday night. I tried to ignore it because I thought I was just tired but by Saturday night I realized it wasn't going away. By the time I got to the ER I had a fever of 103 and was shivering from the "cold." The nice thing about being a chemo patient is that they don't mess around! Usually it's first come-first serve (I can't decide if I agree with that, I think more critical patients should be seen first but then who's considered more important? tricky dilemma), but being that I'm a chemo patient I was helped right away. 4 hours later they sent me home with antibiotics, instructions to keep taking Tylenol if the fever persists, and with no idea as to what I might have.

So since early Sunday, I've been taking the Tylenol because the fever is not going away. The worst part is the chills. It feels as if the cold has settled deep into my bones and refuses to leave, no matter how much clothing I put on or how many covijas I put on top of me. It just drains my energy. Because every test has come back ok they think it might be my port so they're taking it out tomorrow. I had gotten used to the little guy, I'm actually going to miss it. Isn't that weird? I was going to have the last cycle of chemo before the transplant this week but because of the infection, it's being delayed for a week. And I don't regret it! Although, the whole month had been carefully planned out, this pushes everything back so now I have to change all the appointments.

I swear, all in 5 days, the things that can happen. I was surprised I got sick. They warned me that I might but I guess I never actually believed it until it happened. Just like my hair.

Aside from this, I saw 2 movies that I was glad I saw back-to-back: All the President's Men and Dick. I really liked All the President's Men. It had Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman playing the 2 reporters from The Washington Post that exposed the Watergate scandal. Then I watched Dick and it was a funny counterpoint. In it, Kristin Dunst and Michelle Williams play 2 girls who go to work for President Nixon as his dog walkers and become involved in the Watergate scandal. I don't think I would have liked it as much had I not seen All the President's Men first. I'm not really saying much about this, I know, but suffice it to say that I enjoyed both movies.

I can't wait to watch the new Harry Potter movie! I have to wait though, until this infection goes away. Hopefully by next weekend!!!

So I read this quote by Roger Ebert when he reviewed Apocalypse Now (which is next on my list):

"If we are lucky, we spend our lives in a fool's paradise, never knowing how close we skirt the abyss."

Word.

To My Body

You know, at first, I looked at my body and I wondered, "How could you betray me? How could you let this happen?" I've had this body all my life, and it decides to let me down.

But then I realized, this body, my body, is also strong and it has taken it's fair share of beatings. This body has withstood everything I have done to it. And yes, it's not perfect and it will have scars, but those scars will be a testament of its survival and tenacity.

I felt like that about my hair too. It did make me sad when I would look at the clumps in the shower. But not all of it fell out and I admired the hair that stayed, that didn't give in.

So this body, my body, will continue to exercise it's will to live. Yes it'll be weak sometimes, but I know that this body doesn't give up easily. This body has tried its best to protect itself and will continue to try its best.

So listen body, I know we'll make it through this all right. Don't you give in to the effects of the drugs, I need you to keep it together. Remember, this cancer is suppose to be the pussy cancer. We don't want to look back a year later and be embarrassed at how weak we were. So we gotta stick together and stay strong.

I promise I'll try to treat you better.

It's My Life and I'll Shop If I Want To!

I realized today how much going shopping makes me feel good. I used to say it was because it distracted me. I like shopping, especially alone, because my mind is free of all other thought except for those crucial fashion choices. It was my time to get away, to be alone. Just shoes, purses, dresses, sunglasses, etc. But now, shopping is not just a distraction, it's an affirmation of normalcy and life.

I am normal and I still love shopping! Cancer cannot take that away from me. And I will use those things I purchased when I go out to do things just like everybody else. And when I can't leave my bed, these items will stay in the closet, waiting for the day when I can take them out and use them again. Months later, I will still be alive and I will use my purchases again! When I shop now, it's not just a distraction, it's me saying, "I am still the same Maria. And even when I can't wear my sunglasses because I'll be in the hospital for 3 weeks, I'll use them on the car ride home. And I'll use them when I fell good enough to leave the house." Ha! Cancer cannot make me stop spending my money frivolously.

You like how I just justified going shopping? So here's what I bought: underwear sets from Victoria's Secret, a stripped linen dress from Forever 21, a really cool green top from Anthropologie, and a brown leather tote from Banana Republic. The purse is the only thing I actually feel guilty about because it was the most expensive. Granted it's cool, holds all of my stuff (without being too big), and was on sale (major plus)....... but still. Depending on how guilty I feel, I'll either keep it or return it.

I'm always torn between feeling bad and feeling lucky. Let me break it down.

Feel Bad Because:

• I have cancer.
• My hair is super short.
• I don't work, which means I have less money.
  
• I hate chemotherapy.
• I worry that I'll have a hard time with the details of life after treatment. For example, getting another job (should I tell them?) and what if I get another job, will they have medical insurance that will label me uninsurable?
• What if I get rid of it and it comes back, or worse, I get something else?
• Boo, no more drinking :(
  
• I worry that I overreact.
• The people I love worry about me.
• I might become infertile (I never did the egg freezing business).
  

But Then Feel Lucky Because:

• I have Hodgkin's (the most treatable and curable with 80-85% survival rates).
• For the most part, I FEEL good, if not great. The side affects have been manageable.
• I still have hair.
• I get disability (and obviously enough to pay my bills and still shop, lol).
• I have a great support system of family and friends.
  
• So Kaiser isn't Ceders Sinai, it's still covered the bulk of my cancer costs. I feel lucky to have health insurance.
• I don't work, which means I have time to sleep, watch movies, spend quality time with my family, and blog.
• People don't expect me to do anything other than rest.

I think the darkest days are behind me. I feel stronger and braver than I did even a few months ago.

I think shopping helped.