It's My Life and I'll Shop If I Want To!

I realized today how much going shopping makes me feel good. I used to say it was because it distracted me. I like shopping, especially alone, because my mind is free of all other thought except for those crucial fashion choices. It was my time to get away, to be alone. Just shoes, purses, dresses, sunglasses, etc. But now, shopping is not just a distraction, it's an affirmation of normalcy and life.

I am normal and I still love shopping! Cancer cannot take that away from me. And I will use those things I purchased when I go out to do things just like everybody else. And when I can't leave my bed, these items will stay in the closet, waiting for the day when I can take them out and use them again. Months later, I will still be alive and I will use my purchases again! When I shop now, it's not just a distraction, it's me saying, "I am still the same Maria. And even when I can't wear my sunglasses because I'll be in the hospital for 3 weeks, I'll use them on the car ride home. And I'll use them when I fell good enough to leave the house." Ha! Cancer cannot make me stop spending my money frivolously.

You like how I just justified going shopping? So here's what I bought: underwear sets from Victoria's Secret, a stripped linen dress from Forever 21, a really cool green top from Anthropologie, and a brown leather tote from Banana Republic. The purse is the only thing I actually feel guilty about because it was the most expensive. Granted it's cool, holds all of my stuff (without being too big), and was on sale (major plus)....... but still. Depending on how guilty I feel, I'll either keep it or return it.

I'm always torn between feeling bad and feeling lucky. Let me break it down.

Feel Bad Because:

• I have cancer.
• My hair is super short.
• I don't work, which means I have less money.
  
• I hate chemotherapy.
• I worry that I'll have a hard time with the details of life after treatment. For example, getting another job (should I tell them?) and what if I get another job, will they have medical insurance that will label me uninsurable?
• What if I get rid of it and it comes back, or worse, I get something else?
• Boo, no more drinking :(
  
• I worry that I overreact.
• The people I love worry about me.
• I might become infertile (I never did the egg freezing business).
  

But Then Feel Lucky Because:

• I have Hodgkin's (the most treatable and curable with 80-85% survival rates).
• For the most part, I FEEL good, if not great. The side affects have been manageable.
• I still have hair.
• I get disability (and obviously enough to pay my bills and still shop, lol).
• I have a great support system of family and friends.
  
• So Kaiser isn't Ceders Sinai, it's still covered the bulk of my cancer costs. I feel lucky to have health insurance.
• I don't work, which means I have time to sleep, watch movies, spend quality time with my family, and blog.
• People don't expect me to do anything other than rest.

I think the darkest days are behind me. I feel stronger and braver than I did even a few months ago.

I think shopping helped.