Bad Puppy!

I am not staying up late! So I will make this fast.

In exactly 10 days Clay and I leave to Thailand.

And I have something that needs to get done every single day before we go. My to do list is pages long and I am slowly checking things off.

I wish I had an assistant.

I am looking forward to this trip, a reward after so many years of battling. Clay and I deserve it.

Everything after buying our tickets has been about planning this trip. So much research.......... But when we return everything will be about planning my year. I am going to throw myself into researching clinical trials for my disease. This year has to be different in that respect.

I feel as if I am running out of time and time passes by so quickly. More quickly than we realize.

Sorry for sounding like the end is looming. It isn't........ But I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to tap me on the shoulder either.

I can't wait to walk the streets of Bangkok, go to the night market at Chiang Mai, and explore the islands on the Andaman Sea.............

I'm 30!!!!!!!



P.S. It has been raining all afternoon and GG made sure she got good and dirty in the mud like at around 9:30pm, right in the middle of a new Desperate Housewives............. And of course I had to chase her around outside (in the rain) trying to hose as much mud off as I could before I realized it was a hopeless task and I was just going to have to get her inside to bathe her.............

Time for bed..........

More Deep Thoughts

My first Thanksgiving in my own house was....... very nice. :) My mom still cooked everything but I did make the mashed potatoes.

To continue the last update, the last several months have been a journey. Some of it has been challenging, most of it is due to my daily routine and my commute, which is 4 hours a day. I've gotten better at dealing with it but 4 hours is still 4 hours. Mostly, it's my routine. Sometimes it just feels like all I do is wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch a little TV, go to bed, sleep, wake up, start all over again. Day in and day out. My days off consist of spending 1 day at the hospital (doctor's appts, exams, chemo, etc.) and 1 day cleaning and taking care of the pets. Week after week, month after month. Until I stop and look back and wonder, what have I been doing? What does my life consist of? Is this all there is?

If you asked me, Maria, are you happy? I would answer honestly: Yes, I am happy. For the most part. I am generally happy.

Why?

I like having a house. I didn't at first, I missed living in the middle of everything. I missed our apartment. I missed not being responsible for things when they broke down, just call the landlord. But now I take great pride in my house, I love fixing it up. It actually makes me really really happy. Since we moved in, Clay and I have redone a room (got rid of the wallpaper, painted, added baseboards), cleaned up the backyard (it used to be like a jungle back there, we got rid of some plants for a cleaner look and removed some awnings), redid half of the bathroom (new toilet, new shower head, new towel hangers), and added trim to our windows. It doesn't sound like a lot but let me tell you, it was! Our lawn had not been mowed or trimmed in like 4 month. One day I had been coming back from walking the dogs and in the distance I saw a patch of overgrown grass, it completely stood out from the rest, and I thought to myself, wow that person's lawn is so terrible, worst than anyone's on the block. I hope it's not mine. But as I got closer and closer, the truth made me hang my head in shame. That terrible patch of grass belonged to our house. I was so embarrassed. So I finally just called a gardening company and they came and cut my grass, trimmed the edges, weeded our roses, and trimmed some hanging plants. And it made such a difference! We're finally not the ones with the worst yard and it has made me supremely happy. Yes, I take great pride in our home and making it look nice.

Having a house has also allowed us to have what has brought me the greatest joy, as well as the most trouble: our dogs. Now I love my girls, my mischievous Choo Choo and my sweetness GG. I love them to death. Nothing makes me happier than when they've had their baths and are laying side by side munching on their pig's ears. But boy they are a lot of work. They are not small dogs either. We can't leave anything laying around. Not shoes, not purses, not magazines, not flip flops, not stuffed animals..... Only this week they, 1) got into a lower cabinet where we kept our reserve paper towels and I came home to find our front yard covered in paper towel remains, 2) got into the bathroom and Diego came home to find toilet paper strewn all over the living room, 3) went into the garage and broke into a box and we found broken wineglasses and the newspapers that used to protect them strewn all over the front and back yard, and finally, 4) the same day as #3, also ripped open 2 boxes of nails and spread them all over the patio. Nothing in our living room has escaped their endless gnawing (more like Choo Choo's gnawing). Not the coffee table, not the dining table, not the chairs, not the night stand, not the futon.......... GG is still not completely housebroken, so unfortunately every now and then I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing her accidents. And our couches are covered in their hair. And when they haven't had a bath in awhile, guess what? That's what our living room smells like. Like dirty doggies. So I love them, but they are not easy pets to have.

I like living in a house with Clay. Most summer nights would find us outside grilling steaks, swinging in our bench swing. Even though Clay didn't have a job the entire summer, we weren't unhappy. It was domestic bliss. We had long ago given up going out. At first I thought I missed it but then one night we went bar hopping and I realized I didn't really miss it at all. I had more fun when I stayed home with my doggies and my boyfriend, all of us cuddling on the couch.

These things bring joy to my life. But they are very simple things: my home, my pets, my love. And they are enough to keep me generally happy.

But sometimes......

My health....... well, I still have Hodgkin's. Unfortunately, anytime I stop treatment my symptoms return: fevers and night sweats. In case I didn't mention it before, I finally had my PICC line taken out. No more having to wrap it everytime I showered and no more weekly afternoons at the hospital to have it cleaned and flushed. But I have reached a point where a new road must be taken. I am not getting better. The treatments I have done so far have helped prevent my disease from spreading quickly but they have not gotten rid of it. I can't continue like this forever. I have to do something to get better because otherwise I'll just get worse. I meet with my doctor December 1st to discuss what to do about the future. So that I can hope to have a future.

My job....... I like what I do but it's not a career really. I do it because I enjoy it right now. I just don't know how many more years I'll continue to enjoy it.

Clay started a new job about a month ago and is also in the midst of beginning a new business. He is opening a ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. Like I said, the man is ambitious and I'm extremely proud of him.......... But for awhile there we didn't see each other much and I started wishing that he wasn't so ambitious.......... I just missed him that was all. I went from having him around all the time to not at all, and when I did see him he was stressed out from all the things he had to do. I had to pick up the slack at home and I was dealing with my own stresses. I'll be honest, we went from bragging about how we had the perfect relationship to arguing on a daily basis. I worried that we were drifting apart. It was a tough couple of months. Eventually a good friend made me realize that I needed to give Clay the space and support he needed to pursue his dreams and I think Clay realized that I needed to feel that I was still a priority. The studio is almost ready to open, he just needs to get one last thing approved before he can open for business. He hired someone to teach classes and he'll also sell his own work as well. I am in awe of him. It really takes a lot of guts to do what he is doing. I hope with all my heart that he finds success with it. I haven't been that involved but I hope that in the future I can help him in any way I can. For now the dream team has been his sister Jessica, my brother Sergio, and him. They have done an unbelievable job.

And that's it really. The things that are not that great do not overshadow the things that are great. But like I said, even though I find that I am generally happy, sometimes I find myself wondering, is that all there is? Is this really all there is to life?

I guess I can summarize it like this: At first I was unhappy, then I found a routine that brought me happiness in its simplicity and stability, and now I am wondering if I am dissatisfied by it. But I don't think I am. I think I am happy! It's just that lately....... I guess I'm trying to figure out if I need more. Do I need more to make me happy?

My friend Marty has made me realize that maybe I'm this way because my 30th birthday is coming up. It would make sense. I'm taking a look around and evaluating my life, assessing, taking inventory, analyzing, wondering, can I do more? What more can I do to enrich my life? What more do I need? I'll have to think about it. Hopefully if I realize that I need more, I will do more.

Maybe I just need more hobbies. :)

important thoughts

I've typed out and deleted so many sentences now that I might as well just admit that I don't really know what to say. I want to explain what has happened the last several months but it just feels like so much and i just don't know if i want to make the effort. and of course normally i want to say everything perfect and i don't want to make mistakes but inevitably, this perfectionism is what prevents me from just writing.

so maybe i'll just write and i won't think or correct. or i will try not to as much.

so basically since the last time i wrote, clay was laid off and then several months later offered another job, 3 days after signing a lease to open up his own ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. so he decided to do both and now is currently working as a general manager for a condo building and also working on opening a ceramics studio. i have to give it to him, he's ambitious. he had a soft opening a few weeks ago and is trying to tie up some loose ends before officially opening for business. it's amazing really. at some point i will post pictures and get into more detail.

i have terrible news.......... my fish died!!! yes i was devastated, clay had to break it to me gently (the jerk told me it ran away). i really loved that fish. i didn't care that it would never show affection, that it didn't play, i still loved him. i packed up his aquarium and said my good bye. clay offered to get me another fish but i realized i that didn't want another fish to love that might die sooner rather than later. rip higgins o'fishley...........

but then a bundle of joy entered my life...... my dog GG! my brother sergio has a pitbull that had puppies several months ago and clay and i asked if we could have one. her name is GG and we love her to death. she is the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. i love taking choo choo and gg out on walks together (even though the first time i did i tripped and fell on all fours and swore i would never do it again). she is a blue nose pitbull. again, i have plenty of pictures i will post later. she really is a cutie. it's funny because all of my neighbors have little white fluffy dogs who are always barking and running out into the street. my dogs don't do that so i'm always secretly pleased that my girls are so well behaved in comparison! makes me so proud...... :) what can i say, i love love love my choo choo and my gg (and my cat, let's not forget my scootie while i'm spreading the love around).

my youngest brother diego also lives with me now. it's a long story but i am happy he is here. the best perk: my mom comes over to cook for him, but of course can't just cook for him so is forced to cook for all of us. whohooooo! man i love my mom's cooking! i have finally admitted that i will never be the type of woman that will make thanksgiving dinner for the whole family. it's just not in me. i don't know what it is about cooking that just doesn't appeal to me. i mean, i like food. i just can't stand cooking. it's disappointing because i really did want to be that kind of woman, the kind that just threw things in the oven and out came a feast. i always thought, well when i grow up, i'll be like that but i finally had to admit that i was grown up and i'll never be like that. and it's ok.

other big news, i have a niece! here is the novela: last winter my brother sergio's ex told him she was pregnant after they broke up and then she disappeared and no one mentioned her all year long, month after month (although i would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from her and no one had), until one day she called out of the blue to say she'd had a baby girl named Sophie and did we want to meet her. so sophie entered my life. she is 3 months old and oh so beautiful. i love smelling her baby smell. so out of all places, i will bare my soul here. when i am around her, i am both happy and sad. so happy to see how beautiful life is, how much promise in the future. i look at her looking at her mama and i can see the love there, between mother and daughter......... and it makes me so happy, so happy to see that love, and so sad. i..... i just don't know if i'll ever have that. i just don't know........ and the thought makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up, and my heart ache.........

god i didn't realize i would write that...........

what makes me sad is knowing that i'll probably never have my own kids one day. and i can't believe i'm saying this here but if i can't say it here then where can i?

i might never have my own kids one day, and that makes me so so sad.

(i have to admit, i almost deleted this post. i seriously sat here and almost deleted everything i wrote. i guess i just don't know why i write. for myself? for other people? especially that last thought. it's really personal and i wrote it for me but i realize other people will read it and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed. do i want other people to know that about me? this is the real reason i haven't written in a while. i want to be honest. to write honestly. to bare my soul, talk about the things that make me sad, that scare me, that worry me. but i start to and then realize i have said too much, revealed too much, exposed too much. so if i can't write honestly, why bother writing at all? i want to open myself up but i don't know if i want people to actually look in. it's complicated isn't it? i think i will have to rethink my blogging. because when write i want to feel uninhibited, and it's not how i feel now.........)

My Babies!

Baby #1 asleep next to the TV.


Btw, I was in the middle of sorting my kitchen laundry!


My Choo Choo puppy!


Isn't she adorable! Again, same day, sorting my laundry....

I just don't want to look like my dish towels are just strewn on the floor here! Anyways, my babies!!!

Not So Short Quickie

So here's the lowdown:

Clay bought a house in Norwalk and we live there with his friend Ryan, our dog Choo Choo, our cat Doogie Meowser, and our fish Higgins O'Fishley.

We moved in the beginning of May and got Choo Choo shortly thereafter. She is (now) an almost 5 months old Rhodesian Ridgeback. They used to be raised in Africa to hunt lions. At first I was worried she would hunt and eat my cat but they interact as a dog and a cat who are not used to each other would: they chase each other around in our small living room. Clay and I are hoping that eventually they might become friends....... Or that the dog will at least learn to ignore the cat, who usually initiates the chasing by messing with the dog. By the way, she is one big puppy. She is so cute but her paws are so big!!! She's already 50 lbs.........

We feel complete. House, dog, cat, and fish.

We live the Great Suburban Lifestyle: taking the dog for walks to our neighborhood park, watching TV on the ol' big screen, playing in our $300 above ground Walmart pool (yes, trashy fabulous), shopping at our local Stater Bros and Target, watching movies at the movie theatre that's less than a mile away, and grilling steaks in the backyard. Yes, it is quite the life we lead.

Work is going well. Of course it's always good when work is going well, less stress......

Not much is going on in my life other than the regular routine activities of..... life.

Sometimes I miss living in The Big City. It was cool to live in downtown LA. But it felt like there was a lifestyle we had to live when we were in the middle of it all. We had to go out to the bars, to the restaurants. There's not that desire anymore. When I'm home, it's just so comfortable and relaxing. Clay and I have pretty much stopped going out and sometimes I miss it. But then I'll go out and wish I hadn't. It's just not the same anymore. Today we took Choo Choo out for a walk for a few blocks and it was so nice. Kids were playing in their yards, people were watering their lawns, pets were running around, and other people were also going for walks (couples, with children, with their dogs, or for exercise). It was just so nice........

In regards to my health...... I don't know. I had my PICC line taken out because I hadn't used it in months. Unfortunately, my blood counts do not recover quickly enough between treatments so I've had to stop all treatment. So I'm not getting anything right now until my doctor and I decide what to do. The treatment I was on was working slowly but like I said, my body was just not recovering quickly enough anymore so my doctor did not feel comfortable continuing that treatment. I'm planning on calling him tomorrow to discuss my options. But don't worry, I feel fine. The only cancer symptom I have is a fever that goes away and then comes back on a regular basis. It's mild enough to assume that my cancer is not getting worse quickly.

It's weird because at this point, I've learned to live with low blood counts so I don't even notice the effects anymore. I've learned to live past them. I bruise easily, I'm anemic, always cold, sometimes feverish, take a long time to get over illnesses (a simple cold can last for a month), tire very easily..... I feel like an old lady when I get out of bed in the mornings. I usually limp to the bathroom until my joints and bones stop hurting and get warmed up. It's like, I can't figure out what's cancer related and what's just getting older.

On another note, I'm having serious face problems. It's like, one day I woke up and my face was a little drier than usual. A week later it was peeling, red, and itchy. A month and one unsatisfying appointment with a dermatologist later, I supposedly have something like eczema, blah blah blah dermatitis. He said that because of my many treatments my oil glands have stopped producing oil. So every morning I wash my face with Cetaphil, put on some Bio Oil stuff, and then lather on a thick layer of extra potent vitamin E creme. At night I take it all off and lather on Vaseline. Yes, Vaseline. These are the only things that somewhat work. Sometimes I take Benedryl and put on hydro cortisone creme to help control the itching. It seriously is the most horrible thing. By the time I get out of work, even though I slathered on more vitamin E creme midday, my face is starting to feel really dry, extra tight, and is starting to flake. In the beginning it really got to me and it would bring me to tears when I would see my blotchy face in the mirror. But I'm starting to get better about it. I found those few products that somewhat work and it has helped. A friend of mine says her face has gotten the same way and she was the one who recommended Vaseline so again, I can't figure out if it's just because I'm getting older or if it's just my oil glands giving up.

As always, I am trying to maintain a positive attitude. My lovely simple little life brings me great joy. My one big complaint: my doubled commute time. It takes me 2 hours, yes 2 HOURS, just to get to work and then another 2 hours to get home. That part REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks. Although, it has pushed me to read more, what with all that free time spent doing nothing. Yes I read all the Twilight books and they were wonderful!!! When I finished the last book, for a whole week I felt like there was a hole in my life. So I started listening to the movie soundtrack nonstop. My Twilight obsession (including the movie) finally ceased when I picked up One Hundred Years of Solitude (for the 100th time) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and finally finished it. Amazing but just took me so long to finish reading.

Well, this was suppose to be a short update but of course with me, it doesn't always work out that way.

:)

YEAH!!!!!

We opened escrow today! And by we, I mean Clay. But I'll be living there as well so it's our house. In about a month's time, after Diego and I return from Seattle, Clay and I will be moving to Norwalk! YEAH!!!!!!!! More on that later........

So Clay bought a treadmill and it was delivered today. Boy did that box look heavy! I'm so glad Clay did all the hard work. Lugging that thing up the elevator, into the apartment, unpacking it, putting it together..... I got tired just looking at him! But it is now up and running! Uh, I mean, it is now ready to be run on..... lol...... It's a really good treadmill too. I did all the research and then told him which one to buy, the Sole F85. Very sturdy. I can plug my ipod into it, it has cup holders, and fans too........ I'm happy he likes it so far..........

So Clay and I had been talking about getting a kitty friend for our kitty. We went to the animal shelter to check out our options. Well, when we entered the cat room we were verbally assaulted for no reason! Here is a reenaction:

Scene of the Crime: The Los Angeles Animal Shelter Cat Room. Sunny but chilly beautiful California day.

(Maria and Clay enter the cat room at the animal shelter. There is a white woman who appears to be speaking on her cell phone. They look at the cages.)

Maria: I don't see any kitties in here.

White Woman: Well, do you like CATS?

(Before we can answer....)

White Woman: Because when they grow up, they turn into CATS.

(I'm smiling because I don't immediately realize that she's talking to us, I thought she was on her cell phone. I think I said, "Whaaaaat?" Clay is smiling and giggling because at first he thinks that she is joking and poking fun at us.)

White Woman: The adult cats that don't get adopted get KILLED.

(Clay and I are like, "WOW." But we are still smiling because it all happens so fast we don't have time to change our facial expressions.)

White Woman: Oh, you obviously think that's FUNNY since you're LAUGHING!

(She is still holding her cell phone to her ear. Clay and I are shocked and appalled at this verbal assault.)

Clay: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you righteous fucking bitch!

(OH SNAP! (Refer to Oh Snap flow chart))

White Woman: Yeah, I'm a fucking bitch!

(Clay and I start to walk out.)

Clay: We come to the fucking animal shelter to adopt a pet only to be accosted by some fucking simpleton!

THE END

The Moral of the Story:

I understand she thinks that she's there volunteering, trying really hard to get the adult cats adopted. But insulting people when they walk in is not the way to go about it. It should have been obvious that Clay and I had already taken that first step by coming to the shelter in the first place. And we already own a cat (that I had gotten as a kitten at that same shelter back in October), we were looking for another similar to her age and size that she could play with. But she judged us immediately. Like seriously, are you trying to alienate people as soon as they walk in? And if we want to adopt a kitten, you can't judge us for it, that's what we want. At least we're making the effort to adopt from a shelter, and not only that, I donate to the spcaLA every year! (The shelter we went to is not part of the spca but still, I'm aware of the plight of abandoned animals.)

Actually, I hadn't remembered this but Clay brought it up after we left. Last year, before we had adopted a kitten and were still researching our kitty options, we went to a Petco where they were doing cat adoptions. All the cats that we saw were adult cats and we asked the volunteer if they had any kittens. She said no but then asked us, "Have you considered adopting an older cat?" See? There is a way to do it nicely! We politely said no, that I really wanted a kitten. But she was nice about it and let us look at the cats there and let us know that most of them had come from abusive households. She said it in a way that was not meant to guilt trip us, but rather to let us know the truth about the cats' backgrounds. We didn't adopt a cat but we also didn't leave with a negative experience. (Well, not a negative volunteer experience. One of the cats there sharted in front of us and we had to literally flee the area because the smell was so bad. I felt bad for the cat, apparently it was sick, but I'm not gonna adopt a sick cat. Sorry.)

So anyways, yeah, not a nice experience at the shelter. We probably will not go back anytime soon and will look at pictures online instead. That's how I adopted my current cat, first I looked online; all the city shelters and spca shelters here have pictures online of almost all the animals they have available for adoption. I had looked at lots of pictures, had written down the kittens' ID numbers that I liked, and then went to the shelters where they were. The cat I adopted was actually the very first kitten on my list but the last one I went to see. Isn't that crazy? It was meant to be........

She really did go crazy on us! Maybe Clay shouldn't have called her a righteous fucking bitch, but she was acting like a bitch....... The worst part is that she'll retell this story with us as the villains. The cruel and evil couple that came in today and verbally assaulted her. We shouldn't be allowed to own animals. We probably eat kittens for breakfast, kitten tacos. I don't see how anyone will adopt a cat with her there, guilt tripping people.

Now that I've gone on and on about this, I'm over it! I'm sorry I wrote more about this than the fact that Clay and I will be in our own house in a month's time. It's cute, small, but cute. Very well maintained. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. I'll take pictures to post online. Well, I probably won't be able to do that until we move in. But I'll keep you posted!

The remodel at my mom's house is chugging along slowly. Both rooms are almost done. My friend Marty had suggested posting before and after pictures but of course I didn't take before pictures so now I'm kicking myself because that's a great idea. They look really different from how they were but now you'll only be able to see the after pictures. I'll have to try to accurately describe how they were before. I'll work on it..........

I watched 2 of my netflix movies today: Ma Vie On Rose and Who the @#%* is Jackson Pollock? (I may not have put the symbols in the right order but you get the picture.) Not bad, not great, but not bad. Both were interesting and thought provoking. Ma Vie On Rose is about a little boy who wants to be a girl (and expresses it) and how this creates tension within the family, at school, and in neighborhood. Like I said, not a bad movie. I liked it a lot, but did not love it. But it was interesting, the topics it raised about what can happen when a child is not what the parents and society expect it to be. I would still recommend it. The second movie was also interesting, a documentary about a female truck driver who buys a painting for $5 at a thrift store and then discovers that it or may not be a Jackson Pollock. It's about her experience dealing with the art world (which is extremely rude and condescending to her) and trying to authenticate the painting. Again, really interesting and thought provoking. How art critics refuse to believe they can be wrong, how they refuse to accept scientific evidence as pertinent information, and how there is strict protocol involved in authenticating a work of art. Liked a lot but did not love. The movies I love have to be movies I'm willing to buy and watch again. I can like them a lot but I have to love them to buy them. Or maybe not always buy, but watch again. One viewing was enough for both but I'm glad I watched them.

I also watched the Black to the Future series on VH1. It aired last month but I DVR'd it and only today got around to watching the 4 episodes. Basically it showed black popular culture from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 00's. It was great actually. Especially when I watched the 80's and 90's. Totally my 2 eras. It was great to see the things I watched, listened to, and loved in those decades. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, En Vogue, Martin, In Living Color, Living Single, Family Matters, The A-Team, Boyz In The Hood, gangster rap (Snoop, Dr. Dre, and Ice Cube), Biggie and Tupac, the LA riots...... Definitely really glad I DVR'd it.

I also forgot to mention I've been sick as a dog almost 3 weeks now. What started out as a runny nose and a dry cough quickly became a runny nose, phlegm-filled cough, nausea, fatigue, fever, and general unhappiness. By the end of week 2 I hadn't gotten better so my doctor prescribed antibiotics which I finally finished yesterday. I had to skip chemo last week since I was still really sick and my platelet count was low. The week before that my red blood cell count had been really low. So basically I've been feeling really shitty for almost 3 weeks now; I am slowly starting to feel better. Everything is almost gone, except for the cough (which is not as bad as it was but is still there and sometimes wakes me up at night) and the fever (which could also be because of my cancer). This Thursday I should be able to get chemo since I am feeling better. I hate it when I skip a week. I always think my cancer will go crazy anytime I delay my treatment cycle, so I try really hard not to. Only when I absolutely can't because of low counts or sickness.

What an eventful day! Opened escrow, was insulted at the shelter, got a new treadmill, watched a couple movies, some TV......... So much action today! And I even took a 30 minute nap between the 2 movies.

Jesus it's late. You can't tell but it's 1am my time. Time to put myself to bed...........

Oh I almost forgot:

I LOVE My Job!

This has been an interesting 7 days.

So last year (end of summer) I seriously contemplated quitting my job. It was really a combination of things, mostly stress over being sick and trying to hide it. Few people really know how hard last year was on me. I really can't begin to explain how hard my second treatment was on me. My mom is one of the few who really knows. She would often plead with me, "Hija, por favor. No vayas al trabajo, no te ves bien," (Daughter, please. Don't go to work, you don't look well). But I wouldn't listen and I would just go to work. But as soon as I got home I would go straight to bed because I was so exhausted from the day and from trying to act like I was ok when in fact, I wasn't feeling well. It was stupid really. But I felt like I needed the job and I had to go and try my best. For the most part it worked. However, I was sent home a few times when it was obvious I was not ok. The relief at being sent home once was so great I literally broke into tears; I was so happy I could go home and just rest. Like I said, it was stupid what I put myself through. At the time I just felt like I had no choice, I didn't want to lose my job.

By the end of the summer I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to just quit. Fuck it. Was my peace of mind worth more than extra money in my pocket? I wasn't sure. But it was just so exhausting. So I seriously weighed my options:

• I could quit, go back on disability, and use my disability to pay for COBRA. Con: Cobra ends after a year and eventually I'd have to find a new job. Also, the way disability works, I could end up with no money since they base it on what you earned months before going on disability. Months before going on disability I didn't work because I was on disability (if you can understand that).
  
• I could take a medical leave of absence (like I did at Bloomingdale's), go back on disability, pay my half of my medical premium, and eventually return to my old position. Con: Same as above regarding disability. Also, I felt guilty about leaving when they were short staffed and needed everyone there.
  
• I could go part-time and still get a paycheck. Con: No benefits and less money in my pocket.
  

I seriously thought about it for about a month before I decided to just grin and bear it for as long as possible. I want to clarify that it was while I was on my second treatment that things headed downhill. Well, actually, my first treatment ended badly since I ended up in the hospital. So I started the second treatment but the side effects were too much for me. I was always tired, needed blood transfusions, stopped eating (I lost 20 pounds), TMI had problems going to the restroom..... Seriously a laundry list of problems. But I tried to act like everything was ok. That was my problem. Trying to fake it. It became really stressful. But I decided I would try to take it as long as I could. Mind you, I had good days, I did. But the bad days outweighed the good.

When I finally went off the second treatment, I was so relieved. This new treatment plan has given me my life back. The quality of my life has improved.

So basically I'm happy I stuck it out because I am much better now and I have the energy I need to be 100% dedicated to my job.

Now I am beginning to realize even more how smart this decision was. Every time I hear stories about people being laid off and people not being able to find jobs, I thank my lucky stars that I still have a job to go to. Sometimes I whine and complain but today I really realized that I was one of the lucky ones that still has her job. So from now on I'm just going to shut up and do the best I can.

Today I thought about all the people I know who have been laid off or can't find a job and that's what prompted this change of heart. It's not that I don't like my job, I do. I really really enjoy what I do. Seriously, all joking, BS, and sarcasm aside I really do enjoy what I do. It's no secret I love the fashion world. But of course like any normal person I've complained about my job. My workload is too much, sometimes I fight with my co-workers, sometimes I hate my managers, etc. etc. The normal work complaints most people have. But today I've decided no more. From now on I will put in 200%. No more complaining and whining.

The truth is that the extra money in my pocket has been a blessing. There are just so many things I would not have been able to do had I not had the money. So at this point, I can't afford to lose my job.

I used to say, I don't need money to be happy. I now realize, I don't NEED it, but it sure does make life a lot easier.

On another note, I am helping to finance a mini home remodel of my mom's house. Hence the importance of having extra money lying around. Have you ever seen The Money Pit? Well, our experience has not strayed too far from the couple's in the movie. We've already gone over the budget, over the timeline, and more than one person has lost their temper. It didn't help that Clay and I started out with a very ambitious plan that I realize now was unrealistic. A lot shit has gone wrong that we didn't anticipate.

Clay and I used to brag that we had become the perfect couple. We rarely argued anymore. We hadn't had a fight in over a year. We hadn't had a serious fight in almost 2 years. Well, this little project caused a major fight. I understand now how stressful home remodels can be on a relationship. But don't worry we are happy again. But this is definitely becoming quite the learning experience. WARNING: It is not easy people! Definitely not easy! And that's considering I'm not the one doing most of the work. I'm just providing the cash. But this ATM is starting to run out of cash. So hopefully we will get done what we need to get done before I go broke trying to finish it.

We started this weekend: Clay, my brothers Eduardo and Sergio, my mom, and I. However, like I said, we hoped we would have finished a bathroom and one bedroom by Sunday night but it didn't happen. And now everyone has returned to their regular jobs except for Sergio so he is the only one that has continued the work. But again, the unexpected shit has slowed the project down. I can't even tell you how many times we've had to go to the hardware store (6 just Saturday and Sunday, and Sergio I think has gone at least 4 times). At first I was spending wily nily but no more. I'm starting to bleed money. So unfortunately the job of finishing the 2 rooms as quickly as possible has fallen to Sergio. I'm crossing my fingers that it is soon. Clay and I will return tomorrow night to help.

The worst part is that we still have major work to do in at least one more bedroom and little work to do in 3 more rooms (living room, bathroom, and bedroom). Ay ya yay................

Maybe I should put up a website where I can accept donations to the Maria Morales Home Remodel Fund.........

But anyways, job insecurity.......... It's really tough. I think back to when Bush was in office and trying to convince the nation that we were not entering a recession. Now look at us............ I feel like even if it takes years before the economy gets back on it's feet, I am glad that we have Obama to see us through. The light in the darkness. I hope that my family, Clay, and I will weather the storm and come out ok........