So I didn't get my PICC line put in today. I called to reschedule for tomorrow. And I don't regret it.
Erasto and I have decided to watch all the movies that will be Golden Globe and Oscar Awards contenders. We have a lot of movie time we need to log in. I haven't seen anything but I Am Legend. It was ok. Not the type of movie I usually watch but it wasn't that bad. For some reason, I thought it was a sequel to I, Robot, I know, it was stupid because it wasn't. I really want to watch Atonement, Charlie Wilson's War, Sweeney Todd, and still Across the Universe. I recently saw Akeelah and the Bee which was cute, not amazing but pretty good. There was a quote that is among the main themes for the movie which I really liked and had actually heard before. Here is the quote in its entirety:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
I think it's a great quote. To realize that you stop yourself from succeeding because you don't think you deserve it. But once you allow yourself to strive for success, the people around you are inspired to do the same.
The movie did make me think of when I was in Academic Decathlon in high school. When I first became a member, no one in my high school had ever heard of it and even we had no idea of the rigorous studying it would require. But we were competing in the Los Angeles Unified School District so we learned very quickly how important AD was. I was in it for 3 years and I like knowing that each year we improved greatly. We were never #1 but we made it to the top 10 my last year. It was a great experience and it prepared me for college better than anything else. Pretty good recommendation Marty.
Anyways, I'm gonna go watch She-Ra!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas! I know, it's been too long. I've been so busy lately. I'll start from where I left off.
So Bertha got here last last week on Tuesday (12/11). The following day we went dress shopping at the mall. I bought a hot pink dress that was pretty cute. Later that evening we met up with my friend Erasto and we went to West Hollywood to go eat at Fiesta Cantina, which is a gay bar. Turns out it was karaoke night and we ended up staying all night long. It was quite the experience, gay karaoke. First, guys singing girl songs. Second, singers with back up dancers. Third, the night ended with NSYNC Christmas songs. I had a blast.
The day of my birthday I went to a Lakers game with Bertha, Clay, and my brother Sergio. Clay got pretty good seats, the Lakers won, and we all had a great time, too much to drink but still lots of fun.
The next evening was when we went out for my official birthday dinner at the Melting Pot in Pasadena. It was pretty cool. It's a fondue restaurant so we had cheese fondue, salads, a selection of meat and seafood fondue, and then chocolate dessert fondue. I had a wonderful time and I'm happy my wonderful boyfriend arranged it. My sister and her boyfriend came to dinner but didn't go with us afterward to the Three of Clubs, my favorite 80's dive bar. It was a lot of fun.
I feel like I'm just listing things and then saying, "I had a lot of fun," but I did! I had a wonderful couple of days. Something else I bought was a pair of well-fitting jeans. All the jeans in my closet were sagging on me like I was a crack head. So this new pair of Miss Sixty jeans are my new favorites that I wear every time I leave the house not in sweats. I feel so chunty.
On Friday afternoon we went to a Salvador Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). It was actually amazing. I had never been a big fan of Dali but the exhibit really piqued my interest in his work. Bertha is a big fan so it was great having her knowledge. I never knew that Dali and Walt Disney planned on making an animated movie together. It was eventually completed but I think never distributed. I was able to see it at the exhibit and again, it was simply amazing. We found out about the exhibit by accident on Wednesday night when someone told us about it and I'm glad we had a chance to go while Bertha was here.
Bertha's last day was spent grabbing a late lunch at La La's, an Argentinean restaurant on Melrose, with some old college friends, Anabel and Karyna. It was strange to see Karyna again after so many years. We were roomates our senior year and had been great friends who ended up just losing touch. I thought about everything that had happened to me in those years after our time at Cornell and I wondered what the years had brought her. Unfortunately, because she had gotten lost and therefore arrived really late to the restaurant, I missed most of their catch up because I'd left with Erasto to browse at a nearby store. It was still great to see her, even for just a little bit.
For my birthday my sister gave me a shirt that said, "This Girl Can Party." Bertha's last night in LA I proved that this girl CAN'T party. Bertha, Clay, and I went to Clay's apartment where we talked and drank until about 10-10:30pm. I'd had 3 watered down vodka tonics and I was feeling pretty good. We get into this club that's a block down from Clay's apartment and have 1 shot of tequila. It was over for me. I got wasted, was dancing on an empty dance floor, and eventually had to get carried out by Clay and Bertha sometime between 11-11:30pm. That's right, I partied for about a whole hour. Clay took us home and I was passed out in my bed by midnight. Nice. I hope Bertha had fun in that one hour.
In my defense, I was so tired. I'd been exhausted all day and Clay and Bertha's solution was to give me a 5 hour energy drink. I probably should have just taken a nap but oh well! At least I think I had fun.
After dropping off Bertha at the airport, I went to this hotel in downtown LA called the Bonaventure where Clay had gotten me a gift card to their spa for a massage and facial. It felt like the perfect end to my week.
But it was back to work on Monday. I had a few doctor's appointments that week that would determine what my next course of treatment would be. I'll summarize.
I have a very aggressive and persistent cancer. I had the opportunity to look at slides from all the PET scans I'd taken and the difference between June 2007 and November 2007 was vast. It really is almost gone but a little bit persists in my chest and left and right abdomen area. It's that persistent little bit that's hard to treat. My options are: more chemotherapy (different drugs), an experimental drug (which turned out to be back ordered so, therefore, unavailable), or low dose radiation therapy.
I had started veering towards radiation only because I felt like maybe we should try something new but then they told me that it’s much easier to do radiation after chemo than chemo after radiation. I might limit my options if radiation doesn’t completely work (there is a tumor by my kidney and they might not be able to treat it because if my kidney receives radiation, I would definitely have kidney failure).
So to make a long story short, I’m choosing what I thought I never would: more chemotherapy. However, it seems as if some studies have shown that it might work and even if all it does is shrink my tumors just a little bit more, then the radiation doctor can use less radiation, which is better for me long term. They anticipate that I’ll be on this chemo for about a month and I’ll be coming in once a week. It’s suppose to be very tolerable and has few side effects. My doctor said I wouldn’t even lose my hair, which was pretty cool.
He said I could even go back to work! Of course I’m going to take it easy, I’m well aware of my physical limits. My emotional limits I’m not so sure about. I just hope I don’t break out into tears for no reason! It also wouldn’t be until after the New Year, maybe a week after.
So I feel like I’m back to the same place I was last year. But this time I’ve done more, seen more, and can therefore, handle more. I need a central line put in but I don’t want to have surgery for a port that will only be used for one month. So I’ve decided to get a PICC line put in instead. Isn’t that funny. Last year I kicked, punched, and screamed not to have a PICC line put in because it grossed me out. So I had a port put in. This year I was like, just give me the PICC line, I don’t care. So it was kinda funny.
I forgot to mention that Saturday afternoon I ended up in the ER. I woke up feeling so tired and started throwing and didn’t stop all morning. When we realized I also had a fever my mom took me to the hospital where I threw up walking up the ramp and while waiting in the ER line. They kept me overnight for observation and I stopped throwing up but still had a low fever. When they let me go, they told me I probably just had a viral infection. The doctor told me that viral infections manifest themselves where people have the most weakness. I guess mine is the gastro-intestinal area. They told me that because it was a viral infection, they couldn’t give me anything for it, it just had to work its way out of my body. It hasn’t been that bad, I’ve had the runs (sorry TMI) but other than that, I’ve just been really tired, my body hurts like hell at night though. Thank goodness I had some leftover Vicodine, it’s the only thing that has worked for the pain. I get the feeling that no one wants to prescribe it again (I'd only gotten it after surgeries) but I might have to get ghetto tomorrow because tonight is my last one and the pain is so bad I can’t sleep. Seriously, it’s pretty bad.
I’ve also had to adhere to a bland diet these last few days. Apparently greasy spicy food would irritate my stomach more and make the infection worse. So Christmas Eve I wasn’t the cheeriest person around. All I’d had for 2 1/2 days was jello and water. And my Christmas dinner was mashed potatoes and biscuits while everyone devoured their meaty, spicy, dinner.
But opening up gifts was a blast. Like most latino families, we open up our gifts on Christmas Eve, but us being impatient Morales’s, we opened them up at about 10pm instead of midnight. I had some great gifts. My sister got me grouchy cat slippers (apparently I’ve been grouchy lately), but I think this was all a ploy for her to get my Uggs. Since I’ll be using the slippers, I won’t be using the Uggs and guess what? I woke up this morning and they were gone and she was gone. Sneaky I tell you but very well thought out. I also got orange sheets (I have 3 orange dresses so I have to admit it‘s among my favorite colors by default), my favorite Season 1 Volume 1 of She-ra: Princess of Power (I watched it as a kid!!!), a drawing of pueblo people on a piece of bark (Diego knows I love art), socks, money, candy, a Best Buy gift card, a scarf, and I can’t remember what else. I have to say, I’m pretty broke after this but I couldn’t help myself. I had to. Clay gave me a framed picture of us which made me cry, it’s probably our first picture together that has been printed out and framed. But he also gave me another spa day, and this one is almost a day event that includes other services. I guess my extravagant praise of the first one convinced him it was a great idea that never gets old, lol.
Anyways, I think that’s it! That’s been my past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I get the PICC line put in and Friday I start chemotherapy. And next week, ROSEBOWL!!!
So Bertha got here last last week on Tuesday (12/11). The following day we went dress shopping at the mall. I bought a hot pink dress that was pretty cute. Later that evening we met up with my friend Erasto and we went to West Hollywood to go eat at Fiesta Cantina, which is a gay bar. Turns out it was karaoke night and we ended up staying all night long. It was quite the experience, gay karaoke. First, guys singing girl songs. Second, singers with back up dancers. Third, the night ended with NSYNC Christmas songs. I had a blast.
The day of my birthday I went to a Lakers game with Bertha, Clay, and my brother Sergio. Clay got pretty good seats, the Lakers won, and we all had a great time, too much to drink but still lots of fun.
The next evening was when we went out for my official birthday dinner at the Melting Pot in Pasadena. It was pretty cool. It's a fondue restaurant so we had cheese fondue, salads, a selection of meat and seafood fondue, and then chocolate dessert fondue. I had a wonderful time and I'm happy my wonderful boyfriend arranged it. My sister and her boyfriend came to dinner but didn't go with us afterward to the Three of Clubs, my favorite 80's dive bar. It was a lot of fun.
I feel like I'm just listing things and then saying, "I had a lot of fun," but I did! I had a wonderful couple of days. Something else I bought was a pair of well-fitting jeans. All the jeans in my closet were sagging on me like I was a crack head. So this new pair of Miss Sixty jeans are my new favorites that I wear every time I leave the house not in sweats. I feel so chunty.
On Friday afternoon we went to a Salvador Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). It was actually amazing. I had never been a big fan of Dali but the exhibit really piqued my interest in his work. Bertha is a big fan so it was great having her knowledge. I never knew that Dali and Walt Disney planned on making an animated movie together. It was eventually completed but I think never distributed. I was able to see it at the exhibit and again, it was simply amazing. We found out about the exhibit by accident on Wednesday night when someone told us about it and I'm glad we had a chance to go while Bertha was here.
Bertha's last day was spent grabbing a late lunch at La La's, an Argentinean restaurant on Melrose, with some old college friends, Anabel and Karyna. It was strange to see Karyna again after so many years. We were roomates our senior year and had been great friends who ended up just losing touch. I thought about everything that had happened to me in those years after our time at Cornell and I wondered what the years had brought her. Unfortunately, because she had gotten lost and therefore arrived really late to the restaurant, I missed most of their catch up because I'd left with Erasto to browse at a nearby store. It was still great to see her, even for just a little bit.
For my birthday my sister gave me a shirt that said, "This Girl Can Party." Bertha's last night in LA I proved that this girl CAN'T party. Bertha, Clay, and I went to Clay's apartment where we talked and drank until about 10-10:30pm. I'd had 3 watered down vodka tonics and I was feeling pretty good. We get into this club that's a block down from Clay's apartment and have 1 shot of tequila. It was over for me. I got wasted, was dancing on an empty dance floor, and eventually had to get carried out by Clay and Bertha sometime between 11-11:30pm. That's right, I partied for about a whole hour. Clay took us home and I was passed out in my bed by midnight. Nice. I hope Bertha had fun in that one hour.
In my defense, I was so tired. I'd been exhausted all day and Clay and Bertha's solution was to give me a 5 hour energy drink. I probably should have just taken a nap but oh well! At least I think I had fun.
After dropping off Bertha at the airport, I went to this hotel in downtown LA called the Bonaventure where Clay had gotten me a gift card to their spa for a massage and facial. It felt like the perfect end to my week.
But it was back to work on Monday. I had a few doctor's appointments that week that would determine what my next course of treatment would be. I'll summarize.
I have a very aggressive and persistent cancer. I had the opportunity to look at slides from all the PET scans I'd taken and the difference between June 2007 and November 2007 was vast. It really is almost gone but a little bit persists in my chest and left and right abdomen area. It's that persistent little bit that's hard to treat. My options are: more chemotherapy (different drugs), an experimental drug (which turned out to be back ordered so, therefore, unavailable), or low dose radiation therapy.
I had started veering towards radiation only because I felt like maybe we should try something new but then they told me that it’s much easier to do radiation after chemo than chemo after radiation. I might limit my options if radiation doesn’t completely work (there is a tumor by my kidney and they might not be able to treat it because if my kidney receives radiation, I would definitely have kidney failure).
So to make a long story short, I’m choosing what I thought I never would: more chemotherapy. However, it seems as if some studies have shown that it might work and even if all it does is shrink my tumors just a little bit more, then the radiation doctor can use less radiation, which is better for me long term. They anticipate that I’ll be on this chemo for about a month and I’ll be coming in once a week. It’s suppose to be very tolerable and has few side effects. My doctor said I wouldn’t even lose my hair, which was pretty cool.
He said I could even go back to work! Of course I’m going to take it easy, I’m well aware of my physical limits. My emotional limits I’m not so sure about. I just hope I don’t break out into tears for no reason! It also wouldn’t be until after the New Year, maybe a week after.
So I feel like I’m back to the same place I was last year. But this time I’ve done more, seen more, and can therefore, handle more. I need a central line put in but I don’t want to have surgery for a port that will only be used for one month. So I’ve decided to get a PICC line put in instead. Isn’t that funny. Last year I kicked, punched, and screamed not to have a PICC line put in because it grossed me out. So I had a port put in. This year I was like, just give me the PICC line, I don’t care. So it was kinda funny.
I forgot to mention that Saturday afternoon I ended up in the ER. I woke up feeling so tired and started throwing and didn’t stop all morning. When we realized I also had a fever my mom took me to the hospital where I threw up walking up the ramp and while waiting in the ER line. They kept me overnight for observation and I stopped throwing up but still had a low fever. When they let me go, they told me I probably just had a viral infection. The doctor told me that viral infections manifest themselves where people have the most weakness. I guess mine is the gastro-intestinal area. They told me that because it was a viral infection, they couldn’t give me anything for it, it just had to work its way out of my body. It hasn’t been that bad, I’ve had the runs (sorry TMI) but other than that, I’ve just been really tired, my body hurts like hell at night though. Thank goodness I had some leftover Vicodine, it’s the only thing that has worked for the pain. I get the feeling that no one wants to prescribe it again (I'd only gotten it after surgeries) but I might have to get ghetto tomorrow because tonight is my last one and the pain is so bad I can’t sleep. Seriously, it’s pretty bad.
I’ve also had to adhere to a bland diet these last few days. Apparently greasy spicy food would irritate my stomach more and make the infection worse. So Christmas Eve I wasn’t the cheeriest person around. All I’d had for 2 1/2 days was jello and water. And my Christmas dinner was mashed potatoes and biscuits while everyone devoured their meaty, spicy, dinner.
But opening up gifts was a blast. Like most latino families, we open up our gifts on Christmas Eve, but us being impatient Morales’s, we opened them up at about 10pm instead of midnight. I had some great gifts. My sister got me grouchy cat slippers (apparently I’ve been grouchy lately), but I think this was all a ploy for her to get my Uggs. Since I’ll be using the slippers, I won’t be using the Uggs and guess what? I woke up this morning and they were gone and she was gone. Sneaky I tell you but very well thought out. I also got orange sheets (I have 3 orange dresses so I have to admit it‘s among my favorite colors by default), my favorite Season 1 Volume 1 of She-ra: Princess of Power (I watched it as a kid!!!), a drawing of pueblo people on a piece of bark (Diego knows I love art), socks, money, candy, a Best Buy gift card, a scarf, and I can’t remember what else. I have to say, I’m pretty broke after this but I couldn’t help myself. I had to. Clay gave me a framed picture of us which made me cry, it’s probably our first picture together that has been printed out and framed. But he also gave me another spa day, and this one is almost a day event that includes other services. I guess my extravagant praise of the first one convinced him it was a great idea that never gets old, lol.
Anyways, I think that’s it! That’s been my past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I get the PICC line put in and Friday I start chemotherapy. And next week, ROSEBOWL!!!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Short But Very Sweet :D
So Clay gave me my birthday present early and it was....... Surprise! A digital camera! I was so surprised! Anyways, it's a Sony Cyber-shot, hot pink, sleek, small, sexy, and it has a 2.5 inch touch screen. It was wonderful! He gave it to me early so that I can learn how to use it by the time of my birthday. Finally I can post pictures! But bear with as I am a techie dinosaur and it will take me awhile to figure out how to do it. And it's hot pink!
I've started my Christmas shopping and I have to say, I better be careful or my budget will spiral out of control. I feel like the people who renovate houses on Flip This House, when they start out with a plan and something happens and they run over budget and over their timeline. I will not be that last minute shopper this year! I've got good ideas and should have no major obstacles, except for unhelpful salespeople and crowded stores.
So I'm also in the market for a party/birthday dress. It kinda sucks right now actually that I've got a good fuzz going because when I was completely bald, I thought I looked not as bad. The fuzz makes me look disheveled somehow. It's like, nice dress, what's up with the hair?! I realized that I am going to have a bad growing out period, very bad........... scary even. You'll see. But anyways, yeah, the overall presentation is looking a little weird. I might have to compromise my values and wear The Wig.
Bertha comes tomorrow. I'll enlist her help in Operation Birthday Dress.
I've started my Christmas shopping and I have to say, I better be careful or my budget will spiral out of control. I feel like the people who renovate houses on Flip This House, when they start out with a plan and something happens and they run over budget and over their timeline. I will not be that last minute shopper this year! I've got good ideas and should have no major obstacles, except for unhelpful salespeople and crowded stores.
So I'm also in the market for a party/birthday dress. It kinda sucks right now actually that I've got a good fuzz going because when I was completely bald, I thought I looked not as bad. The fuzz makes me look disheveled somehow. It's like, nice dress, what's up with the hair?! I realized that I am going to have a bad growing out period, very bad........... scary even. You'll see. But anyways, yeah, the overall presentation is looking a little weird. I might have to compromise my values and wear The Wig.
Bertha comes tomorrow. I'll enlist her help in Operation Birthday Dress.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Unsmiley Face
I love the month of December. I’ve said this before but I just never get tired of saying it again. I love December. It’s the month of my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. I love the festivities of Christmas. I like the decorations, the gifts (honestly, even if I don’t get gifts, I love giving them, even when I wince at my bank balance), the movies (White Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original and the Jim Carey version), A Charlie Brown Christmas, and The Nightmare Before Christmas (who doesn’t love Tim Burton?)), and the holiday cheer most people adopt. I’ll tell you what I hate though, the crowded malls and the criminals who are stealing from everyone. Anyways, yeah, love Christmas.
And New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year! Except I won’t be celebrating too hard since I’m going to the Rose Bowl the next day!!!!! Oh you read right! My sister, Clay, my brother Eduardo, and I are going to go watch USC beat Illinois, lol. I’m so excited! I’ve been following USC football lately because of my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like a traitor, being so supportive of another school’s success. Cornell’s top quality education seems to get lost when the topic turns to football. Cornell I still love you, this is just a sleazy affair I’m having for now, I’m faithful to you!
You know, I can’t believe that I’ve been roped into going to so many football events. I mean, I like the atmosphere, but I still don’t know the rules of the sport. I can’t believe Clay has hoodwinked me into watching it so much! I swear, I guess that’s what I have to do so that he’ll go to the movies with me (he hates going to the movies, he gets antsy after an hour and a half).
Bertha is another one. Now I’m going to a Lakers game on my birthday because of her. Thanks Bertha! Lol, I’m just kidding! But I hate to break it to you, I don’t like any sports period, but I’m willing to go along for the ride. I’ve never been to a Lakers game so that’ll be my first one. I always end up having fun because of the people I go with so this won’t be different.
Next Friday, I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with Clay, my sister, her boyfriend Tito, Erasto, and Bertha. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s a fondue restaurant in Pasadena that Clay and I have only eaten at once (and at the bar for dessert only) because we always decide at the last minute to go and then get turned away because they’re booked for the night. So this time he made reservations and we’re going!
By the way, I’m finally walking normally again.
I think it’s funny when people that I barely spoke to at Cornell ask me to be their friend on My Space. It’s happened like 3 times now that someone from Cornell has asked me to be their My Space friend but we weren’t really “friends” in college. Then I’m torn between denying them (since I barely know them) or accepting them (school solidarity and maybe future networking?). So far I’ve accepted the invite but sometimes it kind of bothers me because I still don’t talk to them so it feels fake. I don’t want to be a My Space whore! But I feel guilty otherwise, so don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.
I’ve been in a bad mood lately. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I just felt like my doctor wasn’t very prepared. I thought I would be able to return to work at the end of this month but he flat out told me that was out of the question. He told me that although there was a lot of improvement, there were still areas that remained unchanged. He told me that he would discuss my case with other doctors and that he would call me either Wednesday or Thursday. He didn't call. All he said was that maybe more investigative treatments would be considered or another transplant, this time donor instead. I’m just sick and tired of these debilitating treatments.
I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know why these treatments are not working. What happened to most curable and most treatable cancer? It’s been over a year and I’m still considered a Stage 3. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I feel. All these months I’ve been going along with what the doctor’s suggest but then when it doesn’t work, I look at my doctor’s and they can’t give me any answer as to why it’s not working. I want some sort of answer? Anything! Why is it working for other people but not working for me? With my doctors, I’ve remained calm and complacent and maybe that’s why I’m mad now. I want to yell at them because I want to blame someone and it’s easy to blame them. I just want to see that their’s an end in sight and right now, there isn’t. Clay says I need to be patient but it’s easier said than done.
My job’s HR Department already sent me a letter saying I’d used up my allotted Medical Leave time. They sent me a package that needs to be filled out and faxed if I need more time. My doctor gave me a note for another 3 months for now. State Disability did the same thing, sent me a form that needs to be filled out and sent back. Everyone thought I was returning to work mid December. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck, relying on disability to pay my bills. I hate how isolated I feel from society at large. My hair is growing back in quickly and I just don’t want to lose it again. Like I said, I’m just in a bad/sad mood.
I forgot a friend’s birthday and realized it last night. My friend Jorge turned 28 some time the end of November and I forgot to call him. And of course I still didn’t call today. It’s because I’m in a bad mood, forgetful, and lazy.
I made a To Do list today and realized I really don’t have that much on the list which made me happy because I thought I had a lot of things to do. Most of it was forms that I have to drop off to my doctor to be filled out.
Last thing, I decided to get my brother Sergio a good chef’s knife and a paring knife for Christmas. I did research online and found a brand that I liked and that was reviewed really well on multiple sites. It’s one of those things that I never knew about and am now very well informed on. I was filled with that glee of knowing that you’re getting someone something you KNOW they will love. He’s had a couple of cook jobs and he really loves to cook so I know he’ll like the knives. He has an ok chef’s knife now that he guards jealously so I’m pretty excited about the one I’m getting him, which is suppose to be better. It makes me feel good to make people I love happy. So can’t wait till he opens it for Christmas!!!
And New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year! Except I won’t be celebrating too hard since I’m going to the Rose Bowl the next day!!!!! Oh you read right! My sister, Clay, my brother Eduardo, and I are going to go watch USC beat Illinois, lol. I’m so excited! I’ve been following USC football lately because of my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like a traitor, being so supportive of another school’s success. Cornell’s top quality education seems to get lost when the topic turns to football. Cornell I still love you, this is just a sleazy affair I’m having for now, I’m faithful to you!
You know, I can’t believe that I’ve been roped into going to so many football events. I mean, I like the atmosphere, but I still don’t know the rules of the sport. I can’t believe Clay has hoodwinked me into watching it so much! I swear, I guess that’s what I have to do so that he’ll go to the movies with me (he hates going to the movies, he gets antsy after an hour and a half).
Bertha is another one. Now I’m going to a Lakers game on my birthday because of her. Thanks Bertha! Lol, I’m just kidding! But I hate to break it to you, I don’t like any sports period, but I’m willing to go along for the ride. I’ve never been to a Lakers game so that’ll be my first one. I always end up having fun because of the people I go with so this won’t be different.
Next Friday, I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with Clay, my sister, her boyfriend Tito, Erasto, and Bertha. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s a fondue restaurant in Pasadena that Clay and I have only eaten at once (and at the bar for dessert only) because we always decide at the last minute to go and then get turned away because they’re booked for the night. So this time he made reservations and we’re going!
By the way, I’m finally walking normally again.
I think it’s funny when people that I barely spoke to at Cornell ask me to be their friend on My Space. It’s happened like 3 times now that someone from Cornell has asked me to be their My Space friend but we weren’t really “friends” in college. Then I’m torn between denying them (since I barely know them) or accepting them (school solidarity and maybe future networking?). So far I’ve accepted the invite but sometimes it kind of bothers me because I still don’t talk to them so it feels fake. I don’t want to be a My Space whore! But I feel guilty otherwise, so don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.
I’ve been in a bad mood lately. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I just felt like my doctor wasn’t very prepared. I thought I would be able to return to work at the end of this month but he flat out told me that was out of the question. He told me that although there was a lot of improvement, there were still areas that remained unchanged. He told me that he would discuss my case with other doctors and that he would call me either Wednesday or Thursday. He didn't call. All he said was that maybe more investigative treatments would be considered or another transplant, this time donor instead. I’m just sick and tired of these debilitating treatments.
I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know why these treatments are not working. What happened to most curable and most treatable cancer? It’s been over a year and I’m still considered a Stage 3. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I feel. All these months I’ve been going along with what the doctor’s suggest but then when it doesn’t work, I look at my doctor’s and they can’t give me any answer as to why it’s not working. I want some sort of answer? Anything! Why is it working for other people but not working for me? With my doctors, I’ve remained calm and complacent and maybe that’s why I’m mad now. I want to yell at them because I want to blame someone and it’s easy to blame them. I just want to see that their’s an end in sight and right now, there isn’t. Clay says I need to be patient but it’s easier said than done.
My job’s HR Department already sent me a letter saying I’d used up my allotted Medical Leave time. They sent me a package that needs to be filled out and faxed if I need more time. My doctor gave me a note for another 3 months for now. State Disability did the same thing, sent me a form that needs to be filled out and sent back. Everyone thought I was returning to work mid December. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck, relying on disability to pay my bills. I hate how isolated I feel from society at large. My hair is growing back in quickly and I just don’t want to lose it again. Like I said, I’m just in a bad/sad mood.
I forgot a friend’s birthday and realized it last night. My friend Jorge turned 28 some time the end of November and I forgot to call him. And of course I still didn’t call today. It’s because I’m in a bad mood, forgetful, and lazy.
I made a To Do list today and realized I really don’t have that much on the list which made me happy because I thought I had a lot of things to do. Most of it was forms that I have to drop off to my doctor to be filled out.
Last thing, I decided to get my brother Sergio a good chef’s knife and a paring knife for Christmas. I did research online and found a brand that I liked and that was reviewed really well on multiple sites. It’s one of those things that I never knew about and am now very well informed on. I was filled with that glee of knowing that you’re getting someone something you KNOW they will love. He’s had a couple of cook jobs and he really loves to cook so I know he’ll like the knives. He has an ok chef’s knife now that he guards jealously so I’m pretty excited about the one I’m getting him, which is suppose to be better. It makes me feel good to make people I love happy. So can’t wait till he opens it for Christmas!!!
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