Unsmiley Face

I love the month of December. I’ve said this before but I just never get tired of saying it again. I love December. It’s the month of my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. I love the festivities of Christmas. I like the decorations, the gifts (honestly, even if I don’t get gifts, I love giving them, even when I wince at my bank balance), the movies (White Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original and the Jim Carey version), A Charlie Brown Christmas, and The Nightmare Before Christmas (who doesn’t love Tim Burton?)), and the holiday cheer most people adopt. I’ll tell you what I hate though, the crowded malls and the criminals who are stealing from everyone. Anyways, yeah, love Christmas.

And New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year! Except I won’t be celebrating too hard since I’m going to the Rose Bowl the next day!!!!! Oh you read right! My sister, Clay, my brother Eduardo, and I are going to go watch USC beat Illinois, lol. I’m so excited! I’ve been following USC football lately because of my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like a traitor, being so supportive of another school’s success. Cornell’s top quality education seems to get lost when the topic turns to football. Cornell I still love you, this is just a sleazy affair I’m having for now, I’m faithful to you!

You know, I can’t believe that I’ve been roped into going to so many football events. I mean, I like the atmosphere, but I still don’t know the rules of the sport. I can’t believe Clay has hoodwinked me into watching it so much! I swear, I guess that’s what I have to do so that he’ll go to the movies with me (he hates going to the movies, he gets antsy after an hour and a half).

Bertha is another one. Now I’m going to a Lakers game on my birthday because of her. Thanks Bertha! Lol, I’m just kidding! But I hate to break it to you, I don’t like any sports period, but I’m willing to go along for the ride. I’ve never been to a Lakers game so that’ll be my first one. I always end up having fun because of the people I go with so this won’t be different.

Next Friday, I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with Clay, my sister, her boyfriend Tito, Erasto, and Bertha. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s a fondue restaurant in Pasadena that Clay and I have only eaten at once (and at the bar for dessert only) because we always decide at the last minute to go and then get turned away because they’re booked for the night. So this time he made reservations and we’re going!

By the way, I’m finally walking normally again.

I think it’s funny when people that I barely spoke to at Cornell ask me to be their friend on My Space. It’s happened like 3 times now that someone from Cornell has asked me to be their My Space friend but we weren’t really “friends” in college. Then I’m torn between denying them (since I barely know them) or accepting them (school solidarity and maybe future networking?). So far I’ve accepted the invite but sometimes it kind of bothers me because I still don’t talk to them so it feels fake. I don’t want to be a My Space whore! But I feel guilty otherwise, so don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.

I’ve been in a bad mood lately. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I just felt like my doctor wasn’t very prepared. I thought I would be able to return to work at the end of this month but he flat out told me that was out of the question. He told me that although there was a lot of improvement, there were still areas that remained unchanged. He told me that he would discuss my case with other doctors and that he would call me either Wednesday or Thursday. He didn't call. All he said was that maybe more investigative treatments would be considered or another transplant, this time donor instead. I’m just sick and tired of these debilitating treatments.

I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know why these treatments are not working. What happened to most curable and most treatable cancer? It’s been over a year and I’m still considered a Stage 3. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I feel. All these months I’ve been going along with what the doctor’s suggest but then when it doesn’t work, I look at my doctor’s and they can’t give me any answer as to why it’s not working. I want some sort of answer? Anything! Why is it working for other people but not working for me? With my doctors, I’ve remained calm and complacent and maybe that’s why I’m mad now. I want to yell at them because I want to blame someone and it’s easy to blame them. I just want to see that their’s an end in sight and right now, there isn’t. Clay says I need to be patient but it’s easier said than done.

My job’s HR Department already sent me a letter saying I’d used up my allotted Medical Leave time. They sent me a package that needs to be filled out and faxed if I need more time. My doctor gave me a note for another 3 months for now. State Disability did the same thing, sent me a form that needs to be filled out and sent back. Everyone thought I was returning to work mid December. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck, relying on disability to pay my bills. I hate how isolated I feel from society at large. My hair is growing back in quickly and I just don’t want to lose it again. Like I said, I’m just in a bad/sad mood.

I forgot a friend’s birthday and realized it last night. My friend Jorge turned 28 some time the end of November and I forgot to call him. And of course I still didn’t call today. It’s because I’m in a bad mood, forgetful, and lazy.

I made a To Do list today and realized I really don’t have that much on the list which made me happy because I thought I had a lot of things to do. Most of it was forms that I have to drop off to my doctor to be filled out.

Last thing, I decided to get my brother Sergio a good chef’s knife and a paring knife for Christmas. I did research online and found a brand that I liked and that was reviewed really well on multiple sites. It’s one of those things that I never knew about and am now very well informed on. I was filled with that glee of knowing that you’re getting someone something you KNOW they will love. He’s had a couple of cook jobs and he really loves to cook so I know he’ll like the knives. He has an ok chef’s knife now that he guards jealously so I’m pretty excited about the one I’m getting him, which is suppose to be better. It makes me feel good to make people I love happy. So can’t wait till he opens it for Christmas!!!