Welcome Home Mami!

My mom is coming home tonight! It'll be so good to have her home.

So I went back to work this last Monday. This week I only worked part-time but next week I'll work a couple more hours. I'm really glad I went back to work. It's really helped me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had gotten stuck in a mind set where I felt like a sick person who was not recovering. I was scared of doing the things I had to do once I went back to work. And they were simple things like being around people, walking, being on my feet instead of in bed all day....... pretty much just being active. I'd stopped being active for several several months. But going back to work made me more active. And it made me see that I would be ok being more active. So that has made me really happy.

The eating is getting better. Unfortunately I've lost more weight but since returning to work I've been eating more so I hope I'll see a difference in a few weeks. My hair continues to grow and I've gotten lots of compliments. I don't care why I'm getting them but it's definitely nice.

I like to think that I've become a more financially responsible person and I hope to continue that this year. I spent too much money during Christmas but I'm finally putting money in my savings again.

Chemotherapy is going well. The first time was definitely a little scary. The second time I slept the entire time. The third time I did get sick afterwards but by the evening of the following day I felt normal again. This week I had a break which was wonderful. I only had to go to the hospital to get a dressing change for my PICC line. The doctor told me that after this 4th time I'll get a CT scan and then maybe another 2 sessions and then see what the results of the scan are.

So I went to the San Diego Zoo last weekend and had a lot of fun. I loved seeing the hippos, the panda, and a monkey family sitting next to a giant orangutan. The monkey family was probably the cutest by far. I had a little mishap where I threw up while we were in line to get on this Skyfari thing but other than that the day was great. Clay, Diego, and I went. Afterwards we went to the Stinking Rose for dinner (and had the most delicious calamari and crab legs) and then to the movies to watch Juno, which I loved. Definitely a great weekend before going back to work.

So my mom had these 3 parakeets that we forgot to feed while she was gone and they died. I didn't want her to come home to find out her birds had died so today Clay, Diego, and I went on the hunt for replacement parakeets. We had taken pictures of the dead ones to get the colors right but we forgot to look at the sex of the birds (which you can apparently determine by the color of their nose) so we ended up just buying 3 birds that looked like her last ones but that might not be the same sexes. I hoped she wouldn't notice and was just gonna play dumb if she asked too many questions but I realize now that she might actually really notice that they're not the same birds. But I figured new birds is better than no birds so I hope she feels the same way and is not too upset when she discovers the truth.

I mentioned before that Jada, our other pitbull, had 8 puppies in December. Well here's the update. Four died and one was stolen (we think) in the middle of the night so now there are only 3 left but they are healthy and have finally opened their eyes. We used to keep them on the side of the house but after one turned up missing, we brought them inside the house. They still sleep all the time but pretty soon they'll be cute playful puppies.

So the craziest thing happened on my first day of work. When I lived in Ithaca and worked as an Estee Lauder beauty advisor at The Bon-Ton, there used to be this girl who was a Cornell student that came in regularly to buy Estee Lauder products from me. I never interacted with her at school, only at my job then. Well, sometime the summer of 2006 I was working at Bloomingdale's and she comes into the store and remembers me. It was so crazy. She gave me her email and phone number and I promised to get in contact. However, a month later I received my diagnosis and I never contacted her. I had actually really wanted to call her but never did because I just thought it would be weird calling someone I had just met again and then telling them something that was at the time very personal and heavy to deal with. I just didn't want to be that girl that you thought would call you for drinks and then calls to tell you she has cancer. So I never called her and I felt guilty about it because she had seemed really nice and sincere. So flash forward almost a year and a half later and who do I see my first day back? That same girl! It was so unbelievable. I actually ended up telling her what happened and why I never called. She was, again, so nice and sweet and told me again that she would love to hear from me whenever I wanted someone to have coffee with. I don't know, this was a crazy coincidence for me so I thought it was cool. Like twice when I was in college, I was in New York City and ran into people from Cornell randomly on the street. This was like that. I thought it was cool.

Anyways, so that's pretty much all that has happened since my last post. I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. I'm so so lucky to have so many good people in my life. I can only hope to offer the same kind of support and love in return.

Don't Know Why I Bothered To Write

I miss my mom.

I feel lonely sometimes. I think going back to work will help.

I've been having pain in the joints of my fingers and toes. I have a feeling it's the chemotherapy.

I'm just sad.

I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe. We'll see.

Sad News

I've been thinking of a million ways to begin this sentence and I realized I'm just going to say it. My maternal grandmother died yesterday. The news was devastating but we should have been expecting it. She had been really sick and had only gotten slightly better. The news hasn't really hit me personally yet because my main concern has been my mom. It's like one of those moments, how can you ever really understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through it yourself? I can't even begin to comprehend my mother's grief and pain. We were able to get her on a flight last night to Nicaragua so she could go home for the funeral. I wanted to go with her but I couldn't. I am sad mostly because it breaks my heart to see my mother, my mother who has always seemed so strong, be torn by grief and sorrow. How can I console her? What can I do for her? I did what I know she would have done in the same situation: I bought velas. I didn't know what saints to buy so I just bought a bunch of them and lit them. I don't pray but last night I prayed for my mom. I prayed to God and the Virgencita to give her strength, support, and comfort. I just feel so helpless. How do you comfort someone who has suffered a great loss?

I have to say, my boyfriend Clay was so helpful last night, I can't thank him enough. It was one of those moments where he helped me remain calm in a situation where I had to be the strong one, even though I just wanted to cry too. He was the one who took us to the airport and kind of helped us get help quickly. He helped the person who means the universe to me and for that I just love him more and more. All this year he's just always been there, understanding, supporting, calming, soothing, and loving. I'm lucky to have him, lucky that he loves me. I can only hope that I can do for him what he has done for me, which is make me happy and make me feel secure and hopeful of the future.

2008 Whoo!

So I finally have my PICC line and it's not that bad actually. And unlike my Hickman catheter, I don't have to do any maintenance work, I go to the hospital once a week and the nurses change my dressing and flush the catheters for me. It is also convenient because I do it the same day as my chemo so I'm already there. The chemo this time around really is so much more tolerable. I don't get nauseous at all. I've gone in twice so far and I'm usually done after 3 hours. More than anything, it's my own nervousness that gets to me. The first session, just looking at the saline IV bags made me want to throw up so I know my problem right now is all psychological.

The Rosebowl was amazing. It was just a total day experience. We all woke up early, Clay came to pick us up at my house at about 9am and we went to downtown LA where we took the Metro to Pasadena to avoid having to deal with the hassle of traffic or parking. There was a shuttle that would take people from the Metro station to the stadium but it was like 3 blocks long so we decided to walk there instead. It was like the neverending walk. Seriously, we walked for like an hour and there were tons of us making the trek. The funniest thing, this little kid who looked like he was 7 was out selling bottles of water by himself. He was filling the ice buckets with bottles of water and he had a wad of cash in his little hand. It was cute and disturbing all at the same time. I was like, he is so cute but where the hell are his parents?? Once we finally got to the stadium we went to a tailgate set up by my sister's best friend's family. It was pretty sweet. They had a tent, a barbeque, a HDTV. It was pretty cool. So we sat there, drank beer and ate hamburgers until the beginning of the first quarter. I have pictures that I'll try to post later. It was just cool, jets flew overhead and we had great seats. The game was amazing and really it was just so cool, everything. It was fun fun times. And the next day even my hands were sore from all my clapping and cheering. It was worth it.

So I've decided to become a football fan. Yes, me Maria Morales is now officially a Washington Redskins fan. Now, I would like to point out that my boyfriend is a Redskins fan and we've been watching the games together so it was inevitable. Too bad they're out of the playoffs though. Oh well, next year, next year. :)