important thoughts

I've typed out and deleted so many sentences now that I might as well just admit that I don't really know what to say. I want to explain what has happened the last several months but it just feels like so much and i just don't know if i want to make the effort. and of course normally i want to say everything perfect and i don't want to make mistakes but inevitably, this perfectionism is what prevents me from just writing.

so maybe i'll just write and i won't think or correct. or i will try not to as much.

so basically since the last time i wrote, clay was laid off and then several months later offered another job, 3 days after signing a lease to open up his own ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. so he decided to do both and now is currently working as a general manager for a condo building and also working on opening a ceramics studio. i have to give it to him, he's ambitious. he had a soft opening a few weeks ago and is trying to tie up some loose ends before officially opening for business. it's amazing really. at some point i will post pictures and get into more detail.

i have terrible news.......... my fish died!!! yes i was devastated, clay had to break it to me gently (the jerk told me it ran away). i really loved that fish. i didn't care that it would never show affection, that it didn't play, i still loved him. i packed up his aquarium and said my good bye. clay offered to get me another fish but i realized i that didn't want another fish to love that might die sooner rather than later. rip higgins o'fishley...........

but then a bundle of joy entered my life...... my dog GG! my brother sergio has a pitbull that had puppies several months ago and clay and i asked if we could have one. her name is GG and we love her to death. she is the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. i love taking choo choo and gg out on walks together (even though the first time i did i tripped and fell on all fours and swore i would never do it again). she is a blue nose pitbull. again, i have plenty of pictures i will post later. she really is a cutie. it's funny because all of my neighbors have little white fluffy dogs who are always barking and running out into the street. my dogs don't do that so i'm always secretly pleased that my girls are so well behaved in comparison! makes me so proud...... :) what can i say, i love love love my choo choo and my gg (and my cat, let's not forget my scootie while i'm spreading the love around).

my youngest brother diego also lives with me now. it's a long story but i am happy he is here. the best perk: my mom comes over to cook for him, but of course can't just cook for him so is forced to cook for all of us. whohooooo! man i love my mom's cooking! i have finally admitted that i will never be the type of woman that will make thanksgiving dinner for the whole family. it's just not in me. i don't know what it is about cooking that just doesn't appeal to me. i mean, i like food. i just can't stand cooking. it's disappointing because i really did want to be that kind of woman, the kind that just threw things in the oven and out came a feast. i always thought, well when i grow up, i'll be like that but i finally had to admit that i was grown up and i'll never be like that. and it's ok.

other big news, i have a niece! here is the novela: last winter my brother sergio's ex told him she was pregnant after they broke up and then she disappeared and no one mentioned her all year long, month after month (although i would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from her and no one had), until one day she called out of the blue to say she'd had a baby girl named Sophie and did we want to meet her. so sophie entered my life. she is 3 months old and oh so beautiful. i love smelling her baby smell. so out of all places, i will bare my soul here. when i am around her, i am both happy and sad. so happy to see how beautiful life is, how much promise in the future. i look at her looking at her mama and i can see the love there, between mother and daughter......... and it makes me so happy, so happy to see that love, and so sad. i..... i just don't know if i'll ever have that. i just don't know........ and the thought makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up, and my heart ache.........

god i didn't realize i would write that...........

what makes me sad is knowing that i'll probably never have my own kids one day. and i can't believe i'm saying this here but if i can't say it here then where can i?

i might never have my own kids one day, and that makes me so so sad.

(i have to admit, i almost deleted this post. i seriously sat here and almost deleted everything i wrote. i guess i just don't know why i write. for myself? for other people? especially that last thought. it's really personal and i wrote it for me but i realize other people will read it and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed. do i want other people to know that about me? this is the real reason i haven't written in a while. i want to be honest. to write honestly. to bare my soul, talk about the things that make me sad, that scare me, that worry me. but i start to and then realize i have said too much, revealed too much, exposed too much. so if i can't write honestly, why bother writing at all? i want to open myself up but i don't know if i want people to actually look in. it's complicated isn't it? i think i will have to rethink my blogging. because when write i want to feel uninhibited, and it's not how i feel now.........)