Was (Am) I A Quitter?

I know it's been awhile since I've written, it's been an eventful 2 weeks. I guess I'll start with the biggest change.

My ex-boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. To make a long story short, we had a nasty break up last year and I told him to stop contacting me and I never saw him again, that is, up until the day (2 weeks ago) I called to tell him about my cancer and to apologize if I'd hurt his feelings by breaking the contact between us so drastically. We ended up going out to dinner together two days later and... it's felt like we never parted.

I stayed away from this blog because I really wrestled (in my mind) with what my role in our break up had been. I started trying to write about it a week ago but couldn't organize my thoughts so I stopped. Even now, I hope that this comes out the way I mean it to.

I look at people in relationships around me or, even better, at marriages around me and I try to figure out how they've survived their ups and downs. Granted, I realize relationships are not perfect, that you work together to weather the storms. But where do you draw the line to discern when to stay or when to go?

My parents had their 28 yr anniversary last week and honestly, it’s been a rocky 28 yrs. I didn’t know whether to be happy for them for making it this far, or sad because maybe it would have been better for both of them if they’d just separated earlier. They’re not happy now, they just have this tenuous and distant understanding. My brother and his girlfriend, on the other hand, have been together for about a year now and have survived a myriad of problems. Granted, it could be because they’re still young (18/19) and it’s only been a year, but they’ve faced things together that would have severely tested older and more established relationships. His girlfriend has supported and encouraged him through all his low points and problems and has helped him improve his life. They seem really happy together.

All of this leads me to wonder how I respond to problems in my own relationships. My ex- boyfriend and I had been together for 3 months (yes only 3 months, but it was an intense 3 months!) last summer when we hit that mountain on the road. But I didn’t stay, I walked away and refused to look back. I didn’t want to work things through, talk things out, or support each other out of the pit we had fallen in. I was unwilling to believe that things could get better, that he could be better. I just quit.

It’s too late to think about whether things could have changed for the best if I’d stayed. But what I’ve wondered, the question I originally posed, is how do you know when to continue or when it‘s over? How many relationships have weathered those storms together and grown stronger because of it? How many couples have overcome infidelity, depression, a health crisis, financial problems, etc. etc.? How much are you willing to bear for the person you love, hoping for brighter days? How will you know that no matter what you do, it’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better, and you’re better off letting go? How do you know?

You don’t and that’s what has plagued me these last 2 weeks. Did I quit just because the going got a little too rough? I didn't even give us a chance to find out if we could have overcome our problems and grown together through it. Now it’s too late to wonder about the past, but my ex-boyfriend and I are on the threshold of a new beginning and while I don’t want the past to taint the now, I remember how hard it became; I just want to be cautious. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, writing all this down. I just hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes.

Imagination

So I've been reading Eragon and I just have to say... I love it! It almost reminds me of The Lord of the Rings but it's definitely different. I won't talk about the book because I wouldn't want to ruin the story but it did make me realize something. I wish dragons existed because now I want one, lol. Just like when I saw one of the Star Wars movies as a kid and I wanted an ewok and with Gremlins I wanted a mogwai (except, you know, I'd follow all the rules so that I wouldn't have a bunch of gremlins running around).

I sometimes wonder if kids today have the same type of imagination that I remember having as a kid. I'm not around children much so that's why I don't know. But I remember my childhood being so magical and full of discovery, imagination, and experimentation. I was a total 80's kid and is it just me or were there more movies that played to the imagination? Like Legend, Gremlins, The Neverending Story, E.T., Teen Wolf, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Beetlejuice, Elvira, Little Monsters, Willow, Short Circuit, Masters of the Universe, Labyrinth, Once Bitten, Princess Bride, Spaceballs, Splash, Big Trouble in Little China, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Weird Science, Conan the Barbarian, Earth Girls Are Easy, The Goonies, Ghoulies, The Gate, Child's Play, Return of the Living Dead, The Fly, Nightmare on Elm St, Lost Boys, Robocop, etc. I won't lie, I had to look up some of these cuz I couldn't remember their titles, and I added more than I thought I would but I just kept remembering more as I looked more up. My point is that these weren't cartoons or movies about "real" life, they were about fantasy, imagination, or adventure. I can't think of many movies like that nowadays. Maybe there are and I'm just not aware of them. Either that or maybe I think that they couldn't be as good as the ones I saw as a kid because of the nostalgia factor.

Anyways, about kids today, I'm going off on tangents. I didn't grow up with tons of toys and video games. I made planes out of boxes, put wooden planks on top of bricks and played Olympics gymnastics, made dolls out of flour and water (they always fell apart), made caves out of couch cushions, and climbed trees. I played school, market, and street (pretended we were strangers walking down a sidewalk who would stop and greet each other) with my siblings, played tremors (like the movie), sardines, freeze tag, hide & seek, and red light green light. We were that family with a broke down car in our backyard and we'd play monsters on it. We'd watch our favorite shows and act them out again with each other. Granted, my childhood wasn't perfect. We didn't always have alot of money and my parents fought alot. But I remember having alot of fun as a kid, losing myself in games, movies, and make believe.

Do kids still play like that? Or is it just sports, TV, the internet, and computer and video games? Kinda sad....

PSA, Mission: Failed, & Peace

Previously known facts before cancer diagnosis:

• I exercised regularly at the gym.
• I tried to eat well (avoided fast food as much as possible) and wasn't overweight.
• I wasn't an alcoholic (and drinking at the bars on weekends/happy hour is different from sitting at home and getting drunk every night- unless you're in college and then its a given, even expected some might say).
• I didn't smoke (1 cigarette a month does not make me a smoker!)
• I tried to average 8 hrs of sleep a night and wasn't overwhelmingly stressed.
• I was and still am young (26), single (no kids), and am generally a happy positive person.
  

So what happened? Shit happened. Unexpected, unexplained, and now unavoidable. And you know what is saving my life? My health insurance. Which I almost didn't sign up for this year because I thought I was healthy.... Two months after it had kicked in I'd started chemo treatment. I don't even know where I'd be without it. Probably in line at the county hospital next to the gunshot wound victims. So, what I'm trying to say is: if humanly possible, get health insurance! This has made me realize how important health insurance is, and its access (or more like non-access) to the general population. Is it any wonder that when medical emergencies come up unexpectedly, some families are devastated?

On another note:

Treatment 4: Everything was going well until about mid treatment when I tossed my cookies. Yup that's right, I threw up in the chemo room. Man, I can't wait for #5, maybe I'll do combos of what I've already done. Sweet.....

Today I also called someone I hadn't spoken to in quite awhile. It's been stuck in my head for the last few weeks now that I needed to get in contact with them. Other than the cancer thing, 2 other events this year have changed the way in which I view past friendships that ended in anger or sorrow. This summer, one of my best friends got married and the night before her wedding I found out that a woman that had been my coworker and friend in college had died of a car accident a few months before. Just the last two events have driven home the point that life is fleeting and that time passes all too quickly. It's time we lose and never regain. Along with the cancer thing, I've realized that I don't want to carry around anger, ill will, or overblown pride. Why? Why would I want to carry that negative energy around? It doesn't help my life and it doesn't help anyone else's either. I want to let people know that I'm sorry if I unintentionally hurt them. I wanted to tell this person that I'd let go of that, that I didn't want any ill will between us, and that I'm sorry if I had hurt them with my silence. And not just because I thought they deserved to hear it, but because I needed to say it.

It's like that saying, that you never tell people how much you love them until it's too late and they're gone. I don't want that to be the case for me. I want the people I care about to know that I love them and appreciate the profound way in which they have touched and changed my life. To thank them for all their support because without them, I am nothing.

Books, Movies, & Chemo

You know that one scene from the movie Office Space, where they take the printer or copier (whatever it was) out to the grass and beat it? That's how I feel about my computer sometimes, actually, more like my internet connection. Everyday it's a surprise. Will I or won't I have internet access today? I'm not very good with technology so I don't know what I have, I know it's not dial up but whatever it is, I've had it. So I'm gonna start looking into other forms of accessing the internet.

On another note, I have a stack of books I'm excited to start reading. Out of about 15, I'm most excited about The Time Traveler's Wife, Running With Scissors, and Eragon. I usually like to read the book before the movie, which is why I want to read Eragon. But I saw the movie Running With Scissors and loved it, so now I want to read the book. I like that I have more time to read and watch movies now.

There are so many good movies out right now and at first I didn't think anything of it, but then I read an article in the LA Times that talked about why there were so many good movies out. Apparently fall is the season for serious movies since it's close to Oscar season. Makes sense. Except the serious movie-goer is usually overwhelmed with so many good choices. Still on my list: The Queen, Babel, Volver, The Last King of Scotland, and Little Children. For the soon to come: Bobby, The Good Sheperd, Factory Girl, and Dreamgirls. I loved loved Flags of Our Fathers. I was disappointed with Marie Antoinette which sucks cuz it was the movie I had most looked forward to seeing. And I really tried to like it but, wasn't happening. Borat was outrageous and really funny. I missed Little Miss Sunshine so I'm waiting for it to come out on DVD.

Tomorrow is another chemo day. I used to get really nervous the day before chemo. The first one I had scared me to death and I couldn't sleep the days before it. Thankfully I've gotten used to it, this one is #4. I do 2 treatments a month and I'm suppose to do 6, maybe 8 months of chemo, followed by radiation therapy. I'm almost done with 2 months which is.... I can't even describe the feeling.... kinda like relief. I thought chemo would be horrific to be perfectly honest, I know, a little dramatic, lol. It's just you hear so many horror stories and I went into it thinking that. Granted, I don't feel well (mostly moderate nausua) for the first 2-3 days following treatment but I try to sleep alot, so I don't feel it as much. Hopefully I'll still be saying this on month 5....

So, a little about my chemo days so far. For the record, I can be kinda scandalous and dramatic. So of course I bring that to the chemo room at the hospital.

Treatment 1: No problem, smooth sailing.

Treatment 2: The IV started to hurt (a needle is inserted into one of my veins in my hand and the chemo fluids enter my bloodstream that way), and of course I start to cry. First because it hurt, then because I hate needles, the sight of blood, chemo altogether, hospitals, cancer, and the injustice of it all. The arbitrary nature of Hodgkins (I'll write about that later). Anyways, they change the IV to the other hand and it stops hurting. I now feel like the pussy in the room. Nobody else cried, just me and of course the nurse had to come and calm me down. The rest of the afternoon goes by quietly. The original vein that was used darkened slightly and still hurts occasionally, which I later learn might be what is called chemo damage. Which means I am now paranoid about my veins.

Treatment 3: The chemo room was understaffed, 3 nurses had called out. I foresaw problems. A nurse who is not usually there starts my IV. First, my BLOOD squirts everywhere: on my hand, on the chair, on the floor. Then she drops the little plastic tube to the floor. Needless to say, I start getting paranoid. I ask another nurse to change the IV. Of course I have to lie and say it hurts because I can't admit that I don't trust the nurse who is spilling my blood and dropping my tubes. This leads to 4 nurses surrounding me and asking me what the problem is. I want to say, "Can you please just change the IV, no questions!" Unfortunately, what comes out is a babble of pain, dark veins, and paranoia. They suggest putting a port on my arm. A long small plastic tube is inserted into one of my veins and it goes up to some main vein in my chest, maybe heart. I would no longer get IV needles they say. I quickly nix the idea and finally manage to convince them that it hurts enough to change the needle right now but not enough for a port. I am now the paranoid drama queen....... who is also a crier. The rest of the afternoon goes by quietly.

So, my only fear about tomorrow is causing a scene in the chemo room. Hmmmm!

Day 1

I don't really know how to begin. I've never actually kept a blog before, I've always unleashed my thoughts, musings, questions, complaints, comments, etc. on the people around me. I'm a talker, I thrive on that type of human connection. However, current circumstances have greatly diminished my vocal interactions with people, which means... I need an outlet. Someone suggested I start a blog and I kinda went back and forth, debating whether I wanted to do something that's just so public but eventually I just did it. So here I am! I guess I'll see how this goes.

My name is Maria Morales. I've lived in Los Angeles, CA most of my life, except for the six years that I lived in Ithaca, NY when I went to Cornell University. The experiences that I had those 6 years pretty much formed the adult that I am today. Those were some of the best years of my life and I met so many amazing people that I still keep in touch with today, and always will. When I moved back to LA, it was definitely a rocky beginning. I felt out of place and lonely. But thankfully, I've made new friends and I've reconnected with the city that I've always loved.

For the last two years I worked at Bloomingdale's and granted, it wasn't the best job in the world, but I liked it. I liked the energy, the life, the people, the environment, and the neverending change. I'm also a procrastinator so I was also too lazy to find a different job. That and I still can't figure out what I want to do with my life. I know, I know, trust me I've heard it all before. But that's beside the point right now. Anyways, to make a long story short (and believe me, I'm a rambler so it would be a looooong story, with footnotes and everything), on September 11th, 2006, my life kinda... stopped. Based on the results of a biopsy I'd had done a week before, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a type of blood cancer.

The weeks following my diagnosis were jampacked with activity. If I wasn't at work, I was at the hospital getting tests done. During that time, I was too busy to really think about what was going to happen. The day I met with the oncologist I realized things were going to change drastically. Literally, I met with her on a Friday, stopped working the following Tuesday, and started chemotherapy on Wednesday. And since then.... I watch TV, read, sleep, go to the movies, play on the Internet... wait for the mail... watch the grass grow, the paint peel.... You get the point.

At first I talked on the phone alot but all I needed was one $300 bill to convince me that I needed another form of comunication with the outside world. I guess I should clarify that the reason I had to stop working was because apparently chemotherapy not only attacks cancer cells, it also affects your immune system and make you susceptible to infections and sicknesses. I was told to avoid sick people, kids (those dirty germ-mobiles, lol), and any activity that would increase my chances of getting sick/hurt. Anyways, I joined myspace, even though I swore I never would. But it just wasn't enough. I needed, craved, something more... introspective. Hence, the birth of this blog.

I know this entry was kinda long. In books, prologues are suppose to be short, but like I said, I'm a rambler :). I'll try not to focus too much on the cancer stuff, I can't help it sometimes, it just dominates my life. Well, I guess this is it for now....