PSA, Mission: Failed, & Peace

Previously known facts before cancer diagnosis:

• I exercised regularly at the gym.
• I tried to eat well (avoided fast food as much as possible) and wasn't overweight.
• I wasn't an alcoholic (and drinking at the bars on weekends/happy hour is different from sitting at home and getting drunk every night- unless you're in college and then its a given, even expected some might say).
• I didn't smoke (1 cigarette a month does not make me a smoker!)
• I tried to average 8 hrs of sleep a night and wasn't overwhelmingly stressed.
• I was and still am young (26), single (no kids), and am generally a happy positive person.
  

So what happened? Shit happened. Unexpected, unexplained, and now unavoidable. And you know what is saving my life? My health insurance. Which I almost didn't sign up for this year because I thought I was healthy.... Two months after it had kicked in I'd started chemo treatment. I don't even know where I'd be without it. Probably in line at the county hospital next to the gunshot wound victims. So, what I'm trying to say is: if humanly possible, get health insurance! This has made me realize how important health insurance is, and its access (or more like non-access) to the general population. Is it any wonder that when medical emergencies come up unexpectedly, some families are devastated?

On another note:

Treatment 4: Everything was going well until about mid treatment when I tossed my cookies. Yup that's right, I threw up in the chemo room. Man, I can't wait for #5, maybe I'll do combos of what I've already done. Sweet.....

Today I also called someone I hadn't spoken to in quite awhile. It's been stuck in my head for the last few weeks now that I needed to get in contact with them. Other than the cancer thing, 2 other events this year have changed the way in which I view past friendships that ended in anger or sorrow. This summer, one of my best friends got married and the night before her wedding I found out that a woman that had been my coworker and friend in college had died of a car accident a few months before. Just the last two events have driven home the point that life is fleeting and that time passes all too quickly. It's time we lose and never regain. Along with the cancer thing, I've realized that I don't want to carry around anger, ill will, or overblown pride. Why? Why would I want to carry that negative energy around? It doesn't help my life and it doesn't help anyone else's either. I want to let people know that I'm sorry if I unintentionally hurt them. I wanted to tell this person that I'd let go of that, that I didn't want any ill will between us, and that I'm sorry if I had hurt them with my silence. And not just because I thought they deserved to hear it, but because I needed to say it.

It's like that saying, that you never tell people how much you love them until it's too late and they're gone. I don't want that to be the case for me. I want the people I care about to know that I love them and appreciate the profound way in which they have touched and changed my life. To thank them for all their support because without them, I am nothing.