Was (Am) I A Quitter?

I know it's been awhile since I've written, it's been an eventful 2 weeks. I guess I'll start with the biggest change.

My ex-boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. To make a long story short, we had a nasty break up last year and I told him to stop contacting me and I never saw him again, that is, up until the day (2 weeks ago) I called to tell him about my cancer and to apologize if I'd hurt his feelings by breaking the contact between us so drastically. We ended up going out to dinner together two days later and... it's felt like we never parted.

I stayed away from this blog because I really wrestled (in my mind) with what my role in our break up had been. I started trying to write about it a week ago but couldn't organize my thoughts so I stopped. Even now, I hope that this comes out the way I mean it to.

I look at people in relationships around me or, even better, at marriages around me and I try to figure out how they've survived their ups and downs. Granted, I realize relationships are not perfect, that you work together to weather the storms. But where do you draw the line to discern when to stay or when to go?

My parents had their 28 yr anniversary last week and honestly, it’s been a rocky 28 yrs. I didn’t know whether to be happy for them for making it this far, or sad because maybe it would have been better for both of them if they’d just separated earlier. They’re not happy now, they just have this tenuous and distant understanding. My brother and his girlfriend, on the other hand, have been together for about a year now and have survived a myriad of problems. Granted, it could be because they’re still young (18/19) and it’s only been a year, but they’ve faced things together that would have severely tested older and more established relationships. His girlfriend has supported and encouraged him through all his low points and problems and has helped him improve his life. They seem really happy together.

All of this leads me to wonder how I respond to problems in my own relationships. My ex- boyfriend and I had been together for 3 months (yes only 3 months, but it was an intense 3 months!) last summer when we hit that mountain on the road. But I didn’t stay, I walked away and refused to look back. I didn’t want to work things through, talk things out, or support each other out of the pit we had fallen in. I was unwilling to believe that things could get better, that he could be better. I just quit.

It’s too late to think about whether things could have changed for the best if I’d stayed. But what I’ve wondered, the question I originally posed, is how do you know when to continue or when it‘s over? How many relationships have weathered those storms together and grown stronger because of it? How many couples have overcome infidelity, depression, a health crisis, financial problems, etc. etc.? How much are you willing to bear for the person you love, hoping for brighter days? How will you know that no matter what you do, it’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better, and you’re better off letting go? How do you know?

You don’t and that’s what has plagued me these last 2 weeks. Did I quit just because the going got a little too rough? I didn't even give us a chance to find out if we could have overcome our problems and grown together through it. Now it’s too late to wonder about the past, but my ex-boyfriend and I are on the threshold of a new beginning and while I don’t want the past to taint the now, I remember how hard it became; I just want to be cautious. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, writing all this down. I just hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes.