3 More Days

Christmas is coming up.... I really need to start thinking about what I'm getting people. No joke, the last 2 years I've ended up buying everything like 2 days before. I really don't want to do that this year. The hardest are 2 of my brothers; I always end up buying them a nice bottle of liquor. I think this year I'll just get them gift cards, I know it's lazy but at least this way they can get what they want. My sister is hard too. I think with her it's that I always want to get her something creative and meaningful and I never do. Too often it ends up being something from Sephora, which is nice but not very deep. My littlest brother always makes an Xmas list, which I love. I wish more people did this, I'm just not very good at buying gifts under pressure. Time to brave the big bad mall....

I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......

I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........

It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....

Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.

3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!

Nosy Teller Makes My Day

I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment. Yesterday I learned how to give myself a shot. I practiced on a fake arm for awhile before I did it myself. Why did it make me feel like I could be a nurse too? Like I could start working there tomorrow and give people shots all day. If anybody out there needs a shot, I know how to give 'em! I'm just saying, if there was ever like a world disaster, I'd be pretty valuable, what with all my shot-giving knowledge.... So yup, feeling pretty good about that right now....

Today I went to the mall and tortured myself by looking at all the things I can't buy. I wish I could just dress up everyday, there were just soooo many pretty shoes and dresses.... Anyways, there's a sales girl at French Connection that I like shopping with because she's figured out my taste and always ends up showing me something that I end up buying. Actually, maybe that's bad! Today I walked away with a black shirt and black turtleneck and have a beautiful gold/pink/black cropped jacket on hold that I'm picking up tomorrow. And as God is my witness, I am wearing it to something, anything, this year!

What I didn't walk away with (but wanted to): a burgandy D & G purse (way too much $$$, even on sale, dammit!), a big bottle of Lolita Lempicka (apparently being discontinued), brown Cole Haan boots (none in my size), black Miss Sixty boots (seriously, I own like 6 black boots, I don't need anymore), a purple and gold sequin dress (to wear where?), and Coldstone ice cream ($5 for a cup of ice cream! Had sushi instead). But I still had fun. The mall wasn't crowded, everyone was friendly, and I didn't spend too much money(big plus).

Tomorrow I might start a side job. I'm going to be calling people whose houses are in foreclosure and asking them if they're interested in selling them to the person who I'll be working for. It's kinda cool cuz I can do it at home and the person who's paying me has offered to teach me as much as I want to learn about what he does. From what I gather, he buys homes that are in foreclosure so that he can sell them again at a profit, I think. Well, I'll find out more tomorrow. Anyways, I was never really interested in real estate before but I figured since this opportunity came up, who knows, maybe I'll like it and even if I don't, it's not long term or permanent. Plus I might learn things that'll prove valuable once I start thinking about buying my own house. I'm looking forward to it actually, especially because it'll be a good way to supplement my income. Right now I get disability, which is enough to pay my bills, thank God.

So, here's what happened at the bank today:

I hand my disability check to the teller.

Teller: You work for the city?
Me: No.

He looks at me, looks at my check, looks at me again, then looks at my check closely.

Teller: Oh.... (Still looks confused.)
Me: Yeah, I just get disability.
Teller: Oh really? (Looks me up and down) You don't look...? What do you have?

I laugh and contemplate lying but decide on the truth.

Me: I have cancer.

His eyes pop open.

Me: I know I don't look like it.
Teller: Yeah you don't. Wow, that must suck. What kind of cancer?
Me: Hodgkins Lymphoma. And, well, yeah, it does suck.
Teller: So do you have to do all that chemo stuff?
Me: Yeah I do.
Teller: Wow, is it pretty bad? Does it really suck?
Me: (Laughing now) Well, not really.

He gives me a look like, yeah right.

Me: Well it's just that I've learned not to complain about it too much.
Teller: So... are you gonna be ok, I mean, are you gonna live?
Me: Yeah, I'll live.
Teller: Well good luck. You take care of yourself.
Me: Thanks, I will!
Teller: You have a nice day and thank you for banking with Washington Mutual!

Birthday Musings

My birthday is next week and I am and am not looking forward to it. It's the big 2-7! Dude, that means I'll be in my late 20s. So old and yet so young.... Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm as old as my age proves I am. Some of it has to do with the fact that I look younger than what I am (I get it all the time). But another part is also that, when I was younger, I had a vision of what I would be doing at this age; I thought that by 25 I'd be married and probably starting on having kids. It's not that I wish I was doing that now (I'm not ready) but it's that I thought that's what I would be doing. And for some reason, not doing that makes me feel younger somehow. It doesn't make sense in any logical frame of thought, but it's how it makes me feel. This, along with other factors, make me feel like less of an adult sometimes.... Sigh....

On another note, I'm not one of those women who doesn't look forward to growing older, I'm really happy about it. This is vain, but I feel like I'm looking better as I age! Lol, I know, totally vain.... Hopefully I'll still feel this way at 35. Even being really old can't be that bad. I totally want to be that old lady in the designer suit, Chanel sunglasses, big hair, and at Sunday brunch for margaritas (extra tequila please!) with my novias (i.e. fellow stylishly-attired old lady friends).

And my sister comes home from grad school on my birthday, which I am most ecstatic about. I've really missed her. When she left, listening to Mariah Carey's We Belong Together would make me just cry! Mind you, it's a total love song but for some reason I would always think of her when I heard it. I just love her so much and I'm really happy she'll be home for the holidays.

Really, I don't even care about presents. I like the cake (chocolate), the growing older, the sister coming home, las mananitas, the hugs and kisses.... I don't want presents; this is enough.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to: chemo. That's right, chemo on my birthday. Booooo..... Oh well....

Today I went to get my Neupogen shot. I was supposed to have gotten it yesterday too but the nurses couldn't find the order so I'd gone for nothing.... But today was a productive hospital day. Tomorrow I'm going to learn how to give myself the shots. I'm going to try really hard to get over the fear because it really is useful to know. And... I canceled the pick line! So my new nurse BFF, Diana, helped me to get my doctor to approve a port instead. It is surgically placed in the chest where it is not visible or hanging out anywhere. I can't even describe my relief; I really really... like REALLY, was not looking forward to the pick line. It won't be put in in time for my next chemo treatment but that's ok. I'll have a bump in my chest where it'll be put in but, hey man, it's better than having a tube hanging out....

My cancer, my cancer, my cancer, my cancer... my cancer and me!

I'm not going to lie, these last few days have sucked. I had chemo this last Wednesday and although uneventful (for once), it hit me nasty style the days after. Well, not that nasty, but nastier than usual. Sleep was my greatest ally.

The best news is that I had a PET scan done on Tuesday and... most of the cancer is gone! Yeah!!! To quote my doctor, "Before, you were lit up like a X-mas tree and now there's pretty much nothing. Just a few random spots." So, needless to say, I am ecstatic. However, I had hoped that that would mean less chemo but it doesn't seem likely. She said I would still need to do the 6 months we had originally discussed but my question is, if it's almost all gone after 2 months, why do I need to do another 4 months? It's like, I know that they just want to make sure they get it all, but I'm also concerned with the risks that accompany chemo. I know I should be happy with my results; it's great news. I guess I'm just being greedy, wishing that my chemo sentence had been lowered as well.

I decided I want to look at my medical records; I don't even know why I haven't done it yet. Like, I want to see the PET scans, the CT scans, radiologist reports, doctor's notes, etc. I remember reading someone's warning not to, how you may not like what you discover in terms of how bad your condition was/is. But I wonder how much I even know, or knew, about the true state of my "condition." Like, it's hard for me to believe I have cancer sometimes. I look at myself and I don't see a cancer patient, even though that's what I am, I guess. Maybe I just have a morbid hope that I'll learn I was worse off than what I thought I was. Maybe I need to think that I was sicker than what I thought to justify 6 months of chemo.

I don't know why I even complain. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because ultimately, I am lucky. Hodgkins is really treatable and curable. Too bad the treatment sucks. But it is good to know that I'll be fine, that I'm still going to live a normal life once this is done. I'll probably be all psycho paranoid about my health but that's ok. I try not to complain too much about this because I can't change it and it's too serious. I'll save my complaining for the trivial things, like the weather, traffic, being broke, having no direction in life... you know, that kind of stuff.

Anyways, two new things are happening this week. Tomorrow I'm going to try to learn how to give myself shots. On the weeks I don't have chemo I go to the hospital to get shots of a drug (Neupogen) that encourages my bone marrow to produce white blood cells. I have to admit that it's a waste of time to go to the hospital just to get one shot (but I go everyday for 3 days) so I have to learn so that I can teach someone else and they can give it to me at home. I just know I can't bear to do it myself so someone else just has to do it!

Now the second thing.... Apparently all my drama with the IV and my veins was just too much, the nurses couldn't handle it anymore. So they ganged up on me and told my doctor who suggested (more like insisted on) something called a pick line.... I felt so betrayed. Why you ask? Well, let me tell you what a pick line is. They take a long small tube and put it into one of your veins from somewhere on the top half of the arm and then a little tube hangs out and that's where they hook you up with the chemo drugs. Basically no more poking you with needles looking for a suitable vein. But there's a tube hanging out of your arm!!! That and the little tube in the vein goes all the way inside to some main vein near the chest. I tried to talk my doctor out of it but she wasn't having it. Damn nurses. Can't a person freak out about their veins anymore before someone wants to stick a tube in there and have another tube hang out?! So on Wednesday I'm going in to get the pick line put in. They said they cover it with gauze and bind it so it doesn't just hang out. I also have to go in once a week to get it flushed (which I think means they clean it). Hopefully I won't pass out on my way there.

Well, that's what's up on the cancer front.