Looking Forward to Spring

I feel like I've had a million thoughts whirling in my head the last few days and now that I sit here to write, I can't think of anything to say. I guess I'll start with what brought this all on.

I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.

Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.

And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.

Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.

So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.

So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.

People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.

It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............

What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

2 more months!!! Only 4 more chemo treatments to go....

I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.

Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.

Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....

R.I.P. Fishy

The worst news ever... my beta fish died. See, what had happened was... a month ago I rescued this fish from an abusive environment. It's previous owner hadn't fed it or changed his water in like a month and for some reason it had one swollen eye, so I took it. I started feeding it, put it in a bigger tank, and was changing its water regularly. At first he wouldn't eat and barely moved but he slowly started coming around. I swear, 2 days before he died he was eating, swimming, and shaking his little fins at me when I would come close to the tank to coo at him. Two days later he's dead. I couldn't believe it. What had I done wrong? I tried to rescue him and he died in my care. It's so sad, I had really come to love the little guy. And I can't bring myself to get another fish because I wanted this one to live. And of course my ever tactful sister laughed her ass off when I told her. Poor fishy....

I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.

On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.

February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....

Holidays

It's been awhile since I've written. The holidays were just too much... a swirl of activity. My sister was home for 2 weeks and it was great seeing her. I can't wait until I can go visit her in Seattle.

I had chemo on my birthday (Dec. 13th) so that sucked but the next day my friend Erasto threw me a little dinner/barbecue so that was nice. The following week I had surgery to put in a port in my chest. It is suppose to make chemo treatment easier. It's hard to describe but I found this online:

"The port is about the size of a quarter, only thicker, and will show only as a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:

-No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm.

-The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.

-Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort. "

Port inserted in vein for chemotherapy

A Port
B Catheter [tubing]
C Subclavian vein
D Superior Vena cava
E Pulmonary vein
F Aorta
G Heart

They used the port on the 27th and it really was easier. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I do prefer it to nothing at all or the PICC line. Now I wish I'd had it since the beginning.

Christmas was fun. I played dominos with my brothers for hours. We opened our presents late Christmas Eve. I've realized that Latinos open their presents Xmas Eve but we all think it's just our family who does that. We all seem to do that. But how did that tradition start because it crosses country lines?

Anyways, I spent New Year's with my boyfriend and my sister at her boyfriend's sister's house, lol. It was alot of fun, listening to alot of Prince.

I saw Eragon and The Good Shepherd. I was really disappointed with Eragon. I expected something more along the lines of Lord of the Rings-good and it was bad. Bad acting, bad special effects, bad adaptation from the book. The Good Shepherd was great though, I loved it. I wonder sometimes, really, who controls the world's events? It's the type of movie that makes conspiracy theories seem not that outrageous and reminds me that most of us (almost all of us) live in a state of ignorant bliss.... or stupor. I also saw Dreamgirls which was great, the female Ray. Still on the list: Volver, The Holiday, and The Queen.

Among my favorite gifts: Grey's Anatomy Season 2, LOTS of movie money, a Sephora gift card, tickets to Wicked(!), Chanel sunglasses, perfumes, the chocolate phone from Verizon, sweats (I practically live in them nowadays), and a framed picture of flowers. Basically people listened well, lol.

This weekend I went to Ensenada, Mexico for Erasto's birthday and had such a great time. Clay took me to the best place to get ceviche and it was some of the best ceviche I'd ever had. Overall it's been a great month.

Back to chemo on Wed....