Today in the news it was announced that John Edwards wife's cancer had returned.
I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.
However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.
And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.
I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.
To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Aint That the Truth
So my brother brought home a cat which I am trying to appropriate. I haven't had a cat in like 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend can't stand cats, which really sucks cuz I totally love cats and have wanted one for a long time. He got me a new beta fish which was really sweet since I know he hated the last one. But the cat thing.... I don't think I'll be able to get him to come around on this one.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I Know, I Know.... MIA
So it's been awhile since I've written. I've actually sat at the computer before, typed a few sentences, and stopped. I don't know why I just couldn't get anything out before. I actually have really great news:
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
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