I Know, I Know.... MIA

So it's been awhile since I've written. I've actually sat at the computer before, typed a few sentences, and stopped. I don't know why I just couldn't get anything out before. I actually have really great news:

I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!

March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.

The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.

So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."

The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?

It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:

For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.

I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.

It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.

I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....