More Deep Thoughts

My first Thanksgiving in my own house was....... very nice. :) My mom still cooked everything but I did make the mashed potatoes.

To continue the last update, the last several months have been a journey. Some of it has been challenging, most of it is due to my daily routine and my commute, which is 4 hours a day. I've gotten better at dealing with it but 4 hours is still 4 hours. Mostly, it's my routine. Sometimes it just feels like all I do is wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch a little TV, go to bed, sleep, wake up, start all over again. Day in and day out. My days off consist of spending 1 day at the hospital (doctor's appts, exams, chemo, etc.) and 1 day cleaning and taking care of the pets. Week after week, month after month. Until I stop and look back and wonder, what have I been doing? What does my life consist of? Is this all there is?

If you asked me, Maria, are you happy? I would answer honestly: Yes, I am happy. For the most part. I am generally happy.

Why?

I like having a house. I didn't at first, I missed living in the middle of everything. I missed our apartment. I missed not being responsible for things when they broke down, just call the landlord. But now I take great pride in my house, I love fixing it up. It actually makes me really really happy. Since we moved in, Clay and I have redone a room (got rid of the wallpaper, painted, added baseboards), cleaned up the backyard (it used to be like a jungle back there, we got rid of some plants for a cleaner look and removed some awnings), redid half of the bathroom (new toilet, new shower head, new towel hangers), and added trim to our windows. It doesn't sound like a lot but let me tell you, it was! Our lawn had not been mowed or trimmed in like 4 month. One day I had been coming back from walking the dogs and in the distance I saw a patch of overgrown grass, it completely stood out from the rest, and I thought to myself, wow that person's lawn is so terrible, worst than anyone's on the block. I hope it's not mine. But as I got closer and closer, the truth made me hang my head in shame. That terrible patch of grass belonged to our house. I was so embarrassed. So I finally just called a gardening company and they came and cut my grass, trimmed the edges, weeded our roses, and trimmed some hanging plants. And it made such a difference! We're finally not the ones with the worst yard and it has made me supremely happy. Yes, I take great pride in our home and making it look nice.

Having a house has also allowed us to have what has brought me the greatest joy, as well as the most trouble: our dogs. Now I love my girls, my mischievous Choo Choo and my sweetness GG. I love them to death. Nothing makes me happier than when they've had their baths and are laying side by side munching on their pig's ears. But boy they are a lot of work. They are not small dogs either. We can't leave anything laying around. Not shoes, not purses, not magazines, not flip flops, not stuffed animals..... Only this week they, 1) got into a lower cabinet where we kept our reserve paper towels and I came home to find our front yard covered in paper towel remains, 2) got into the bathroom and Diego came home to find toilet paper strewn all over the living room, 3) went into the garage and broke into a box and we found broken wineglasses and the newspapers that used to protect them strewn all over the front and back yard, and finally, 4) the same day as #3, also ripped open 2 boxes of nails and spread them all over the patio. Nothing in our living room has escaped their endless gnawing (more like Choo Choo's gnawing). Not the coffee table, not the dining table, not the chairs, not the night stand, not the futon.......... GG is still not completely housebroken, so unfortunately every now and then I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing her accidents. And our couches are covered in their hair. And when they haven't had a bath in awhile, guess what? That's what our living room smells like. Like dirty doggies. So I love them, but they are not easy pets to have.

I like living in a house with Clay. Most summer nights would find us outside grilling steaks, swinging in our bench swing. Even though Clay didn't have a job the entire summer, we weren't unhappy. It was domestic bliss. We had long ago given up going out. At first I thought I missed it but then one night we went bar hopping and I realized I didn't really miss it at all. I had more fun when I stayed home with my doggies and my boyfriend, all of us cuddling on the couch.

These things bring joy to my life. But they are very simple things: my home, my pets, my love. And they are enough to keep me generally happy.

But sometimes......

My health....... well, I still have Hodgkin's. Unfortunately, anytime I stop treatment my symptoms return: fevers and night sweats. In case I didn't mention it before, I finally had my PICC line taken out. No more having to wrap it everytime I showered and no more weekly afternoons at the hospital to have it cleaned and flushed. But I have reached a point where a new road must be taken. I am not getting better. The treatments I have done so far have helped prevent my disease from spreading quickly but they have not gotten rid of it. I can't continue like this forever. I have to do something to get better because otherwise I'll just get worse. I meet with my doctor December 1st to discuss what to do about the future. So that I can hope to have a future.

My job....... I like what I do but it's not a career really. I do it because I enjoy it right now. I just don't know how many more years I'll continue to enjoy it.

Clay started a new job about a month ago and is also in the midst of beginning a new business. He is opening a ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. Like I said, the man is ambitious and I'm extremely proud of him.......... But for awhile there we didn't see each other much and I started wishing that he wasn't so ambitious.......... I just missed him that was all. I went from having him around all the time to not at all, and when I did see him he was stressed out from all the things he had to do. I had to pick up the slack at home and I was dealing with my own stresses. I'll be honest, we went from bragging about how we had the perfect relationship to arguing on a daily basis. I worried that we were drifting apart. It was a tough couple of months. Eventually a good friend made me realize that I needed to give Clay the space and support he needed to pursue his dreams and I think Clay realized that I needed to feel that I was still a priority. The studio is almost ready to open, he just needs to get one last thing approved before he can open for business. He hired someone to teach classes and he'll also sell his own work as well. I am in awe of him. It really takes a lot of guts to do what he is doing. I hope with all my heart that he finds success with it. I haven't been that involved but I hope that in the future I can help him in any way I can. For now the dream team has been his sister Jessica, my brother Sergio, and him. They have done an unbelievable job.

And that's it really. The things that are not that great do not overshadow the things that are great. But like I said, even though I find that I am generally happy, sometimes I find myself wondering, is that all there is? Is this really all there is to life?

I guess I can summarize it like this: At first I was unhappy, then I found a routine that brought me happiness in its simplicity and stability, and now I am wondering if I am dissatisfied by it. But I don't think I am. I think I am happy! It's just that lately....... I guess I'm trying to figure out if I need more. Do I need more to make me happy?

My friend Marty has made me realize that maybe I'm this way because my 30th birthday is coming up. It would make sense. I'm taking a look around and evaluating my life, assessing, taking inventory, analyzing, wondering, can I do more? What more can I do to enrich my life? What more do I need? I'll have to think about it. Hopefully if I realize that I need more, I will do more.

Maybe I just need more hobbies. :)

important thoughts

I've typed out and deleted so many sentences now that I might as well just admit that I don't really know what to say. I want to explain what has happened the last several months but it just feels like so much and i just don't know if i want to make the effort. and of course normally i want to say everything perfect and i don't want to make mistakes but inevitably, this perfectionism is what prevents me from just writing.

so maybe i'll just write and i won't think or correct. or i will try not to as much.

so basically since the last time i wrote, clay was laid off and then several months later offered another job, 3 days after signing a lease to open up his own ceramics studio in Long Beach, CA. so he decided to do both and now is currently working as a general manager for a condo building and also working on opening a ceramics studio. i have to give it to him, he's ambitious. he had a soft opening a few weeks ago and is trying to tie up some loose ends before officially opening for business. it's amazing really. at some point i will post pictures and get into more detail.

i have terrible news.......... my fish died!!! yes i was devastated, clay had to break it to me gently (the jerk told me it ran away). i really loved that fish. i didn't care that it would never show affection, that it didn't play, i still loved him. i packed up his aquarium and said my good bye. clay offered to get me another fish but i realized i that didn't want another fish to love that might die sooner rather than later. rip higgins o'fishley...........

but then a bundle of joy entered my life...... my dog GG! my brother sergio has a pitbull that had puppies several months ago and clay and i asked if we could have one. her name is GG and we love her to death. she is the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. i love taking choo choo and gg out on walks together (even though the first time i did i tripped and fell on all fours and swore i would never do it again). she is a blue nose pitbull. again, i have plenty of pictures i will post later. she really is a cutie. it's funny because all of my neighbors have little white fluffy dogs who are always barking and running out into the street. my dogs don't do that so i'm always secretly pleased that my girls are so well behaved in comparison! makes me so proud...... :) what can i say, i love love love my choo choo and my gg (and my cat, let's not forget my scootie while i'm spreading the love around).

my youngest brother diego also lives with me now. it's a long story but i am happy he is here. the best perk: my mom comes over to cook for him, but of course can't just cook for him so is forced to cook for all of us. whohooooo! man i love my mom's cooking! i have finally admitted that i will never be the type of woman that will make thanksgiving dinner for the whole family. it's just not in me. i don't know what it is about cooking that just doesn't appeal to me. i mean, i like food. i just can't stand cooking. it's disappointing because i really did want to be that kind of woman, the kind that just threw things in the oven and out came a feast. i always thought, well when i grow up, i'll be like that but i finally had to admit that i was grown up and i'll never be like that. and it's ok.

other big news, i have a niece! here is the novela: last winter my brother sergio's ex told him she was pregnant after they broke up and then she disappeared and no one mentioned her all year long, month after month (although i would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from her and no one had), until one day she called out of the blue to say she'd had a baby girl named Sophie and did we want to meet her. so sophie entered my life. she is 3 months old and oh so beautiful. i love smelling her baby smell. so out of all places, i will bare my soul here. when i am around her, i am both happy and sad. so happy to see how beautiful life is, how much promise in the future. i look at her looking at her mama and i can see the love there, between mother and daughter......... and it makes me so happy, so happy to see that love, and so sad. i..... i just don't know if i'll ever have that. i just don't know........ and the thought makes my throat hurt, my eyes tear up, and my heart ache.........

god i didn't realize i would write that...........

what makes me sad is knowing that i'll probably never have my own kids one day. and i can't believe i'm saying this here but if i can't say it here then where can i?

i might never have my own kids one day, and that makes me so so sad.

(i have to admit, i almost deleted this post. i seriously sat here and almost deleted everything i wrote. i guess i just don't know why i write. for myself? for other people? especially that last thought. it's really personal and i wrote it for me but i realize other people will read it and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed. do i want other people to know that about me? this is the real reason i haven't written in a while. i want to be honest. to write honestly. to bare my soul, talk about the things that make me sad, that scare me, that worry me. but i start to and then realize i have said too much, revealed too much, exposed too much. so if i can't write honestly, why bother writing at all? i want to open myself up but i don't know if i want people to actually look in. it's complicated isn't it? i think i will have to rethink my blogging. because when write i want to feel uninhibited, and it's not how i feel now.........)

My Babies!

Baby #1 asleep next to the TV.


Btw, I was in the middle of sorting my kitchen laundry!


My Choo Choo puppy!


Isn't she adorable! Again, same day, sorting my laundry....

I just don't want to look like my dish towels are just strewn on the floor here! Anyways, my babies!!!

Not So Short Quickie

So here's the lowdown:

Clay bought a house in Norwalk and we live there with his friend Ryan, our dog Choo Choo, our cat Doogie Meowser, and our fish Higgins O'Fishley.

We moved in the beginning of May and got Choo Choo shortly thereafter. She is (now) an almost 5 months old Rhodesian Ridgeback. They used to be raised in Africa to hunt lions. At first I was worried she would hunt and eat my cat but they interact as a dog and a cat who are not used to each other would: they chase each other around in our small living room. Clay and I are hoping that eventually they might become friends....... Or that the dog will at least learn to ignore the cat, who usually initiates the chasing by messing with the dog. By the way, she is one big puppy. She is so cute but her paws are so big!!! She's already 50 lbs.........

We feel complete. House, dog, cat, and fish.

We live the Great Suburban Lifestyle: taking the dog for walks to our neighborhood park, watching TV on the ol' big screen, playing in our $300 above ground Walmart pool (yes, trashy fabulous), shopping at our local Stater Bros and Target, watching movies at the movie theatre that's less than a mile away, and grilling steaks in the backyard. Yes, it is quite the life we lead.

Work is going well. Of course it's always good when work is going well, less stress......

Not much is going on in my life other than the regular routine activities of..... life.

Sometimes I miss living in The Big City. It was cool to live in downtown LA. But it felt like there was a lifestyle we had to live when we were in the middle of it all. We had to go out to the bars, to the restaurants. There's not that desire anymore. When I'm home, it's just so comfortable and relaxing. Clay and I have pretty much stopped going out and sometimes I miss it. But then I'll go out and wish I hadn't. It's just not the same anymore. Today we took Choo Choo out for a walk for a few blocks and it was so nice. Kids were playing in their yards, people were watering their lawns, pets were running around, and other people were also going for walks (couples, with children, with their dogs, or for exercise). It was just so nice........

In regards to my health...... I don't know. I had my PICC line taken out because I hadn't used it in months. Unfortunately, my blood counts do not recover quickly enough between treatments so I've had to stop all treatment. So I'm not getting anything right now until my doctor and I decide what to do. The treatment I was on was working slowly but like I said, my body was just not recovering quickly enough anymore so my doctor did not feel comfortable continuing that treatment. I'm planning on calling him tomorrow to discuss my options. But don't worry, I feel fine. The only cancer symptom I have is a fever that goes away and then comes back on a regular basis. It's mild enough to assume that my cancer is not getting worse quickly.

It's weird because at this point, I've learned to live with low blood counts so I don't even notice the effects anymore. I've learned to live past them. I bruise easily, I'm anemic, always cold, sometimes feverish, take a long time to get over illnesses (a simple cold can last for a month), tire very easily..... I feel like an old lady when I get out of bed in the mornings. I usually limp to the bathroom until my joints and bones stop hurting and get warmed up. It's like, I can't figure out what's cancer related and what's just getting older.

On another note, I'm having serious face problems. It's like, one day I woke up and my face was a little drier than usual. A week later it was peeling, red, and itchy. A month and one unsatisfying appointment with a dermatologist later, I supposedly have something like eczema, blah blah blah dermatitis. He said that because of my many treatments my oil glands have stopped producing oil. So every morning I wash my face with Cetaphil, put on some Bio Oil stuff, and then lather on a thick layer of extra potent vitamin E creme. At night I take it all off and lather on Vaseline. Yes, Vaseline. These are the only things that somewhat work. Sometimes I take Benedryl and put on hydro cortisone creme to help control the itching. It seriously is the most horrible thing. By the time I get out of work, even though I slathered on more vitamin E creme midday, my face is starting to feel really dry, extra tight, and is starting to flake. In the beginning it really got to me and it would bring me to tears when I would see my blotchy face in the mirror. But I'm starting to get better about it. I found those few products that somewhat work and it has helped. A friend of mine says her face has gotten the same way and she was the one who recommended Vaseline so again, I can't figure out if it's just because I'm getting older or if it's just my oil glands giving up.

As always, I am trying to maintain a positive attitude. My lovely simple little life brings me great joy. My one big complaint: my doubled commute time. It takes me 2 hours, yes 2 HOURS, just to get to work and then another 2 hours to get home. That part REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks. Although, it has pushed me to read more, what with all that free time spent doing nothing. Yes I read all the Twilight books and they were wonderful!!! When I finished the last book, for a whole week I felt like there was a hole in my life. So I started listening to the movie soundtrack nonstop. My Twilight obsession (including the movie) finally ceased when I picked up One Hundred Years of Solitude (for the 100th time) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and finally finished it. Amazing but just took me so long to finish reading.

Well, this was suppose to be a short update but of course with me, it doesn't always work out that way.

:)

YEAH!!!!!

We opened escrow today! And by we, I mean Clay. But I'll be living there as well so it's our house. In about a month's time, after Diego and I return from Seattle, Clay and I will be moving to Norwalk! YEAH!!!!!!!! More on that later........

So Clay bought a treadmill and it was delivered today. Boy did that box look heavy! I'm so glad Clay did all the hard work. Lugging that thing up the elevator, into the apartment, unpacking it, putting it together..... I got tired just looking at him! But it is now up and running! Uh, I mean, it is now ready to be run on..... lol...... It's a really good treadmill too. I did all the research and then told him which one to buy, the Sole F85. Very sturdy. I can plug my ipod into it, it has cup holders, and fans too........ I'm happy he likes it so far..........

So Clay and I had been talking about getting a kitty friend for our kitty. We went to the animal shelter to check out our options. Well, when we entered the cat room we were verbally assaulted for no reason! Here is a reenaction:

Scene of the Crime: The Los Angeles Animal Shelter Cat Room. Sunny but chilly beautiful California day.

(Maria and Clay enter the cat room at the animal shelter. There is a white woman who appears to be speaking on her cell phone. They look at the cages.)

Maria: I don't see any kitties in here.

White Woman: Well, do you like CATS?

(Before we can answer....)

White Woman: Because when they grow up, they turn into CATS.

(I'm smiling because I don't immediately realize that she's talking to us, I thought she was on her cell phone. I think I said, "Whaaaaat?" Clay is smiling and giggling because at first he thinks that she is joking and poking fun at us.)

White Woman: The adult cats that don't get adopted get KILLED.

(Clay and I are like, "WOW." But we are still smiling because it all happens so fast we don't have time to change our facial expressions.)

White Woman: Oh, you obviously think that's FUNNY since you're LAUGHING!

(She is still holding her cell phone to her ear. Clay and I are shocked and appalled at this verbal assault.)

Clay: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you righteous fucking bitch!

(OH SNAP! (Refer to Oh Snap flow chart))

White Woman: Yeah, I'm a fucking bitch!

(Clay and I start to walk out.)

Clay: We come to the fucking animal shelter to adopt a pet only to be accosted by some fucking simpleton!

THE END

The Moral of the Story:

I understand she thinks that she's there volunteering, trying really hard to get the adult cats adopted. But insulting people when they walk in is not the way to go about it. It should have been obvious that Clay and I had already taken that first step by coming to the shelter in the first place. And we already own a cat (that I had gotten as a kitten at that same shelter back in October), we were looking for another similar to her age and size that she could play with. But she judged us immediately. Like seriously, are you trying to alienate people as soon as they walk in? And if we want to adopt a kitten, you can't judge us for it, that's what we want. At least we're making the effort to adopt from a shelter, and not only that, I donate to the spcaLA every year! (The shelter we went to is not part of the spca but still, I'm aware of the plight of abandoned animals.)

Actually, I hadn't remembered this but Clay brought it up after we left. Last year, before we had adopted a kitten and were still researching our kitty options, we went to a Petco where they were doing cat adoptions. All the cats that we saw were adult cats and we asked the volunteer if they had any kittens. She said no but then asked us, "Have you considered adopting an older cat?" See? There is a way to do it nicely! We politely said no, that I really wanted a kitten. But she was nice about it and let us look at the cats there and let us know that most of them had come from abusive households. She said it in a way that was not meant to guilt trip us, but rather to let us know the truth about the cats' backgrounds. We didn't adopt a cat but we also didn't leave with a negative experience. (Well, not a negative volunteer experience. One of the cats there sharted in front of us and we had to literally flee the area because the smell was so bad. I felt bad for the cat, apparently it was sick, but I'm not gonna adopt a sick cat. Sorry.)

So anyways, yeah, not a nice experience at the shelter. We probably will not go back anytime soon and will look at pictures online instead. That's how I adopted my current cat, first I looked online; all the city shelters and spca shelters here have pictures online of almost all the animals they have available for adoption. I had looked at lots of pictures, had written down the kittens' ID numbers that I liked, and then went to the shelters where they were. The cat I adopted was actually the very first kitten on my list but the last one I went to see. Isn't that crazy? It was meant to be........

She really did go crazy on us! Maybe Clay shouldn't have called her a righteous fucking bitch, but she was acting like a bitch....... The worst part is that she'll retell this story with us as the villains. The cruel and evil couple that came in today and verbally assaulted her. We shouldn't be allowed to own animals. We probably eat kittens for breakfast, kitten tacos. I don't see how anyone will adopt a cat with her there, guilt tripping people.

Now that I've gone on and on about this, I'm over it! I'm sorry I wrote more about this than the fact that Clay and I will be in our own house in a month's time. It's cute, small, but cute. Very well maintained. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. I'll take pictures to post online. Well, I probably won't be able to do that until we move in. But I'll keep you posted!

The remodel at my mom's house is chugging along slowly. Both rooms are almost done. My friend Marty had suggested posting before and after pictures but of course I didn't take before pictures so now I'm kicking myself because that's a great idea. They look really different from how they were but now you'll only be able to see the after pictures. I'll have to try to accurately describe how they were before. I'll work on it..........

I watched 2 of my netflix movies today: Ma Vie On Rose and Who the @#%* is Jackson Pollock? (I may not have put the symbols in the right order but you get the picture.) Not bad, not great, but not bad. Both were interesting and thought provoking. Ma Vie On Rose is about a little boy who wants to be a girl (and expresses it) and how this creates tension within the family, at school, and in neighborhood. Like I said, not a bad movie. I liked it a lot, but did not love it. But it was interesting, the topics it raised about what can happen when a child is not what the parents and society expect it to be. I would still recommend it. The second movie was also interesting, a documentary about a female truck driver who buys a painting for $5 at a thrift store and then discovers that it or may not be a Jackson Pollock. It's about her experience dealing with the art world (which is extremely rude and condescending to her) and trying to authenticate the painting. Again, really interesting and thought provoking. How art critics refuse to believe they can be wrong, how they refuse to accept scientific evidence as pertinent information, and how there is strict protocol involved in authenticating a work of art. Liked a lot but did not love. The movies I love have to be movies I'm willing to buy and watch again. I can like them a lot but I have to love them to buy them. Or maybe not always buy, but watch again. One viewing was enough for both but I'm glad I watched them.

I also watched the Black to the Future series on VH1. It aired last month but I DVR'd it and only today got around to watching the 4 episodes. Basically it showed black popular culture from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 00's. It was great actually. Especially when I watched the 80's and 90's. Totally my 2 eras. It was great to see the things I watched, listened to, and loved in those decades. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, En Vogue, Martin, In Living Color, Living Single, Family Matters, The A-Team, Boyz In The Hood, gangster rap (Snoop, Dr. Dre, and Ice Cube), Biggie and Tupac, the LA riots...... Definitely really glad I DVR'd it.

I also forgot to mention I've been sick as a dog almost 3 weeks now. What started out as a runny nose and a dry cough quickly became a runny nose, phlegm-filled cough, nausea, fatigue, fever, and general unhappiness. By the end of week 2 I hadn't gotten better so my doctor prescribed antibiotics which I finally finished yesterday. I had to skip chemo last week since I was still really sick and my platelet count was low. The week before that my red blood cell count had been really low. So basically I've been feeling really shitty for almost 3 weeks now; I am slowly starting to feel better. Everything is almost gone, except for the cough (which is not as bad as it was but is still there and sometimes wakes me up at night) and the fever (which could also be because of my cancer). This Thursday I should be able to get chemo since I am feeling better. I hate it when I skip a week. I always think my cancer will go crazy anytime I delay my treatment cycle, so I try really hard not to. Only when I absolutely can't because of low counts or sickness.

What an eventful day! Opened escrow, was insulted at the shelter, got a new treadmill, watched a couple movies, some TV......... So much action today! And I even took a 30 minute nap between the 2 movies.

Jesus it's late. You can't tell but it's 1am my time. Time to put myself to bed...........

Oh I almost forgot:

I LOVE My Job!

This has been an interesting 7 days.

So last year (end of summer) I seriously contemplated quitting my job. It was really a combination of things, mostly stress over being sick and trying to hide it. Few people really know how hard last year was on me. I really can't begin to explain how hard my second treatment was on me. My mom is one of the few who really knows. She would often plead with me, "Hija, por favor. No vayas al trabajo, no te ves bien," (Daughter, please. Don't go to work, you don't look well). But I wouldn't listen and I would just go to work. But as soon as I got home I would go straight to bed because I was so exhausted from the day and from trying to act like I was ok when in fact, I wasn't feeling well. It was stupid really. But I felt like I needed the job and I had to go and try my best. For the most part it worked. However, I was sent home a few times when it was obvious I was not ok. The relief at being sent home once was so great I literally broke into tears; I was so happy I could go home and just rest. Like I said, it was stupid what I put myself through. At the time I just felt like I had no choice, I didn't want to lose my job.

By the end of the summer I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to just quit. Fuck it. Was my peace of mind worth more than extra money in my pocket? I wasn't sure. But it was just so exhausting. So I seriously weighed my options:

• I could quit, go back on disability, and use my disability to pay for COBRA. Con: Cobra ends after a year and eventually I'd have to find a new job. Also, the way disability works, I could end up with no money since they base it on what you earned months before going on disability. Months before going on disability I didn't work because I was on disability (if you can understand that).
  
• I could take a medical leave of absence (like I did at Bloomingdale's), go back on disability, pay my half of my medical premium, and eventually return to my old position. Con: Same as above regarding disability. Also, I felt guilty about leaving when they were short staffed and needed everyone there.
  
• I could go part-time and still get a paycheck. Con: No benefits and less money in my pocket.
  

I seriously thought about it for about a month before I decided to just grin and bear it for as long as possible. I want to clarify that it was while I was on my second treatment that things headed downhill. Well, actually, my first treatment ended badly since I ended up in the hospital. So I started the second treatment but the side effects were too much for me. I was always tired, needed blood transfusions, stopped eating (I lost 20 pounds), TMI had problems going to the restroom..... Seriously a laundry list of problems. But I tried to act like everything was ok. That was my problem. Trying to fake it. It became really stressful. But I decided I would try to take it as long as I could. Mind you, I had good days, I did. But the bad days outweighed the good.

When I finally went off the second treatment, I was so relieved. This new treatment plan has given me my life back. The quality of my life has improved.

So basically I'm happy I stuck it out because I am much better now and I have the energy I need to be 100% dedicated to my job.

Now I am beginning to realize even more how smart this decision was. Every time I hear stories about people being laid off and people not being able to find jobs, I thank my lucky stars that I still have a job to go to. Sometimes I whine and complain but today I really realized that I was one of the lucky ones that still has her job. So from now on I'm just going to shut up and do the best I can.

Today I thought about all the people I know who have been laid off or can't find a job and that's what prompted this change of heart. It's not that I don't like my job, I do. I really really enjoy what I do. Seriously, all joking, BS, and sarcasm aside I really do enjoy what I do. It's no secret I love the fashion world. But of course like any normal person I've complained about my job. My workload is too much, sometimes I fight with my co-workers, sometimes I hate my managers, etc. etc. The normal work complaints most people have. But today I've decided no more. From now on I will put in 200%. No more complaining and whining.

The truth is that the extra money in my pocket has been a blessing. There are just so many things I would not have been able to do had I not had the money. So at this point, I can't afford to lose my job.

I used to say, I don't need money to be happy. I now realize, I don't NEED it, but it sure does make life a lot easier.

On another note, I am helping to finance a mini home remodel of my mom's house. Hence the importance of having extra money lying around. Have you ever seen The Money Pit? Well, our experience has not strayed too far from the couple's in the movie. We've already gone over the budget, over the timeline, and more than one person has lost their temper. It didn't help that Clay and I started out with a very ambitious plan that I realize now was unrealistic. A lot shit has gone wrong that we didn't anticipate.

Clay and I used to brag that we had become the perfect couple. We rarely argued anymore. We hadn't had a fight in over a year. We hadn't had a serious fight in almost 2 years. Well, this little project caused a major fight. I understand now how stressful home remodels can be on a relationship. But don't worry we are happy again. But this is definitely becoming quite the learning experience. WARNING: It is not easy people! Definitely not easy! And that's considering I'm not the one doing most of the work. I'm just providing the cash. But this ATM is starting to run out of cash. So hopefully we will get done what we need to get done before I go broke trying to finish it.

We started this weekend: Clay, my brothers Eduardo and Sergio, my mom, and I. However, like I said, we hoped we would have finished a bathroom and one bedroom by Sunday night but it didn't happen. And now everyone has returned to their regular jobs except for Sergio so he is the only one that has continued the work. But again, the unexpected shit has slowed the project down. I can't even tell you how many times we've had to go to the hardware store (6 just Saturday and Sunday, and Sergio I think has gone at least 4 times). At first I was spending wily nily but no more. I'm starting to bleed money. So unfortunately the job of finishing the 2 rooms as quickly as possible has fallen to Sergio. I'm crossing my fingers that it is soon. Clay and I will return tomorrow night to help.

The worst part is that we still have major work to do in at least one more bedroom and little work to do in 3 more rooms (living room, bathroom, and bedroom). Ay ya yay................

Maybe I should put up a website where I can accept donations to the Maria Morales Home Remodel Fund.........

But anyways, job insecurity.......... It's really tough. I think back to when Bush was in office and trying to convince the nation that we were not entering a recession. Now look at us............ I feel like even if it takes years before the economy gets back on it's feet, I am glad that we have Obama to see us through. The light in the darkness. I hope that my family, Clay, and I will weather the storm and come out ok........

2X In 1 Week!

Last week I was at the hospital getting chemotherapy and I wrote this down:

2/12/09

It's funny, the simple joys you look forward to. When I come to chemo I look forward to the orange tangerine juice boxes and Oreos. I don't have them at any other time, but I look forward to them here.

The orange juice boxes are not amazing and I could always just buy packets of Oreos and keep them at home. But I don't. It's just not the same. This is part of my chemo ritual and it wouldn't fit anywhere else.

So, in April Diego and I are going to visit Fatima in Seattle. I promised her I would go visit her within the first 3 months of the year so I'm pretty close. It's Diego's Spring Break so we'll be going for a week. The only thing that sucks is that I'll be in the middle of my treatment so no cheese while I'm there..........

Then in May Clay and I are going to San Francisco for his sister's law school graduation. This will only be a weekend trip but still, something to look forward to.

Then at some point I want to visit Adri in Texas after she has her baby.

These are my upcoming trips.

Clay and I have started a little project...... which of course is not exactly moving full speed ahead but is gradually chugging along. We are writing........ together........ the story of our love........ lol :) Yes, I'm not joking here! It's a work in progress, our work in progress. Pretty much we just want to write down how we met, what we've been through together. You would think that it would be easy to write. But I've been dragging my heels....... Mostly because I guess I'm just scared about writing "the truth" down. Well, maybe not scared, but I guess like when I started this blog, I worry about who will read it. Clay and I take turns writing down, kind of like his perspective, my perspective. It's funny sometimes. But then we'll get to a particular topic and I get like, "I don't want to write about that!" on him. It's like, do I want my mom reading about the first time we had u know what? Yet, how authentic can it be unless you write down the entire truth?

So sometimes he kids that we'll write it and then lock it up in a safe until our grandchildren find it one day when we're dead. And then they'll read about how their grandparents met and fell in love............. Like I said, it's slow going but then again......... the story of our love still has many chapters to go............ Yes I know, lots of sugar, lol.

I saw Phantom of the Opera at the Pantages Theatre this last Friday and it was AMAZING! Now I've seen it in NY, Las Vegas, and LA. Yes I'm that girl who cries during the show too. It's just amazing. So the last several days I've just been walking around humming the music.

On another note, I just finished watching Towelhead and I have to say........ It was definitely difficult to watch. I think what made it hard to watch was realizing that stuff like that really happens. Clay and I used to watch To Catch a Predator and this reminded me of that. But what really struck me was the naivete of the girl in the movie. It's like, I was angry at her but then I felt bad for her. How could she possibly know any better? So it made me think of all the girls just like her and I felt bad for them.

Sometimes, when I'm at the peak of my treatment (the steroids make me hyper), I wish that my life was like a movie, where I can see the conclusion after 2 hours. I make these plans that I know will take some time to complete but I'm impatient and I want to see the results now. Now now NOW! But I have to be patient.

So I forgot to mention octoplets mom had her babies at my hospital, Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center. I didn't even find out until a week after they'd been born! My mom was like, "Didn't you notice the news vans?" Obviously not. All this time they've just been there while I've been chilling in the oncology clinic........ It's crazy how strongly people have reacted to her story. I've been somewhat obsessed with this news, along with the whole Chris Brown beating Rhianna thing.

Octomom is unemployed, hoping to finish grad school, receiving government assistance, single, and already has 6 other young children (one of which is autistic).......... What was she thinking? What was her doctor thinking? I don't blame the people who go off on this subject. They have a point, even though it's "mean" to call her names. What kind of life can these kids have really?

And Chris Brown beating Rhianna? I can't even imagine being in her situation, having something like this happen and then have it reported all over the media. When I read people saying, "Oh, no one knows the whole story" I'm just kind of like, does it matter? BEATING A WOMAN IS NEVER OK.

Well that's all for now.

Was I Poor?

Clay and I always talk about perspective. Perspective and relativity. How someone can size up the problems in their life based on what they have been exposed to. Here is my story (which everyone who knows me already knows):

When I came to the US, I was 4 years old. It was 1984. We moved into a single apartment (separate kitchen and bathroom, one room was both living room & bedroom, walk-in closet) near downtown LA. And by we I mean my mom, my dad, my sister Fatima, my brother Eduardo, my 3 uncles, and I. Yes, 8 people in a single apartment. Of course at the time, it didn't seem weird or unusual, that's just how it was. We had a bunk bed that Eduardo and I slept on, a fold out couch my parents and Fatima slept on, and my uncles slept on the floor and in the closet. From 1984-1990 we would live in 5 different apartments until my parents finally bought a house in Watts.

Now, Watts is what you might call the ghetto. Again, growing up, it didn't sink into my consciousness that I lived in the ghetto. Projects, gang violence, food stamps, drug dealers. Yes all of these things were present in my neighborhood, but for me that didn't seem out of the ordinary because that's just how life was as I knew it. And not just me for me but for everyone around me; our family, our neighbors, our friends. We all walked by the same projects, we all heard about someone getting shot, we all worried about getting jacked on the way home from school, we all complained about the long lines in the grocery store on the first of the month. We weren't the only family that shopped at thrift stores, swapmeets, wore hand me downs, only got a new pair of shoes once a year, only had one uniform for the entire year (sometimes 2-3 years, we had to outgrow it before we got a new one, and I mean ONE). We didn't go to Toys R Us or shop at the mall. But neither did anyone else. Or at least no one I knew.

It wasn't until I got to high school and some of the other students joked about where I lived that it first started to sink in that maybe I didn't live in the best neighborhood. Mind you, up until high school I had gone to my local Catholic school. When I graduated from 8th grade my mom refused to send me to any of the local public high schools and said she would rather I not go to school than to end up at any of the local schools where she was sure I would wind up pregnant or in a gang or worse. So to make a long story short I found a small magnate school in South Central Los Angeles and that's where the other kids made jokes about my bus not stopping at the bus stop and me having to tuck and roll out of the bus dodging bullets. And this was from the kids who grew up in SOUTH CENTRAL.

Mind you, yes I knew there were better neighborhoods, as in rich neighborhoods. So I figured you either lived in something similar to my neighborhood or you were rich, no in-betweens. So even those in the suburbs were rich to me.

So anyways, back to me realizing maybe I grew up poor. High school made me realize that there were still levels of bad neighborhoods, with mine being towards the bottom. Again, to make a long story short, I threw myself into being a good student (which I realize is the only way to getting out if of my strict household) and eventually ended up at Cornell University, which I didn't even know existed or even understood what an Ivy Leauge was until I applied (when they sent me a free brochure and I thought, NY sounds far away to me!).

So I got to Cornell and the jokes started all over again. Ghetto Maria. Maria from Watts. You can take the child out the hood but you can't take the hood out the child. Mostly I think it was my stories of the 8 people in the single apartment, the bad English grammer sometimes, the green card (the majority of my friends had been born in the US), the tales of me swimming in a trash can (one summer my dad once took one of the green trash bins, cleaned it out, filled it with water, and let us splash around it in), playing street in our backyard, using leaves as money when we played store, using the junk cars in the backyard to reenact movie scenes. Less toys, more imagination.

I will admit though, fear was ever present. Before we got metal bars on our windows (when we had just moved in), I used to sleep with a metal bat by the bed in case someone tried to break into our house through the window (my bed was by the window). It was silly; what would I have done with the bat really? I was a kid, like 10-11 years old. But the bat made me feel safer, like I could protect myself. I stopped worrying about it once we got the bars, or at least I stopped worrying about someone breaking in through the window. I would wake up in the middle of the night and sneak around the house, hiding, double checking the doors and the windows to make sure they were locked. When I heard strange noises at night I remember being deathly afraid that someone had broken in. It wasn't until I got to college that I lost that fear. The feeling of being unsafe in your own home. Ithaca was so safe, so secure. Students walked around freely at night. So safe.

Anways, to continue, all my life I've defended my childhood. That's just the way it was. It was a happy one for the most part. I was aware we didn't have alot of money, that the lack of money was somewhat a big problem and caused many an argument between my parents, but we also still went to a Catholic school, we always had food to eat (I don't remember ever thinking we only had a little bit of food), we were never on welfare. We still went to Shakey's every now and then. We still had a Nintendo. So how could I have grown up poor?

But then I talk to Clay about how he grew up and of course the difference is great. According to him I did grow up poor and it amazes him sometimes that I don't think so. But it's relative to me. I saw people who were also worse off. People all over the world are worse off. I was not poor in comparison.

So I kind of relate this back to my life with cancer. Sometimes people tell me they admire me, that if they were in my situation they wouldn't know how to handle it. But the thing is, my life for the last 2 1/2 years has been with cancer so that's just how it is now. So all the little problems that come with living with cancer seem just that, little. Because I deal with them day in and day out they don't seem out of the ordinary. My life doesn't suck now, it is not worse, it just is. In fact, I feel like I have a happy life. My life now, even with cancer, is better than what it was a few years ago. Yes I worry about my health, yes I would rather not have cancer, but cancer has not ruined my life. I am a stronger person because I've overcome the obstacles that cancer has brought.

Sometimes I try to imagine how different my life would have been if I had not gotten cancer and I honestly don't know if it would have been better. I really don't. I look at what I have now, the kind of person I am now, the things that make me so happy now. But like the, "Was I poor?" conversation, maybe someone else wouldn't think my life was so great.

But I don't care. I wasn't poor and my life doesn't suck. It's not perfect but that's ok. I'm still happy.

No I Didn't Quit

All right so I haven't written in awhile. So many new and exciting things have happened!

Clay, Doogie Meowzer, Higgins O'Fishley, and I are all one big happy family. Yes I have officially moved in with Clay. I still have my room at home and I try to go home one night a week but my mom has realized that I'm pretty much living with Clay at this point. I never made a grand announcement, I just kinda slowly moved out week by week. I'm very happy with the situation. Except for the fact that we really need another dresser. We each have our own closet but we're sharing a dresser and I really just need my own. I don't want to buy a new one so I've been looking for used ones on Craig's list. The problem is that Clay and I are still looking at houses and Clay has made some offers so it would be silly to buy a dresser now; I should just wait until we move into our new house. But then again that could take several months. Correction: that will take several months. And I'm so impatient! But I need to wait wait wait. Then I can go crazy looking for furniture.

Another problem: my mail still goes to my mom's house. Again, I don't want to change my address only to have to change it again maybe 4-6 months later. And I have so many cute address labels from my charities! I had to throw away the not so cute ones and only keep the best. Sorry charities....... On another note, this year I have chosen a few charities and have decided that these will be the only ones I donate to. Before, I sent a check (granted it was only $10-$15 but they add up!) to any charity that sent me address labels, calenders, charms, or notepads. And even the ones that didn't send me anything got a donation from me. This year I can't give to everyone anymore. So the winners are: spcaLA, March of Dimes, American Cancer Society, and Habitat for Humanity. So basically animals, babies, cancer people, and homes. That's it, no more! I'm sorry but I had to cut down! Write me when I make more money.

Anyways, I got the fish a bigger tank and he seems to really like it. When he lived in the little bowl he would spend most of his time laying at the bottom of the bowl. He looked like he was dead most of the time and would only swim around after I feed him his little pellets. But now he swims around the bowl alot so I realize I was just fish abusing him by making him live in his tiny bowl. His new tank is big enough where I was able to put a filter in it as well so that I won't have to clean the bowl often. He seems happier so it was worth the effort (it took 2 trips to the exotic fish store and cost about $60, mind you, Clay bought him for only $5).

The kitty is good too. She is one hyper crazy kitty though. Clay and I have scratches and bite marks all over our hands because she keeps using them as playthings. It's starting to get embarrassing though because our hands are literally covered with angry red lines. We tried screaming "Ouch!" when she bites us but she just runs away only to come back and bite us again. We realize it's not because she hates us but because she wants to play. However, I really have no idea how to get her to stop biting. It's all fun and games now that she's still little but it won't be so harmless when her adult teeth tear out chunks of our flesh. We still haven't spayed her either and Clay thinks she'll calm down once she's been fixed. I hope so. Other than that, I love her! She makes me so happy! My favorite is when we go to bed and she comes and settles down in the crook of my neck, her little head near mine. Ahhhhhh, I love her! That is until the next day when she suddenly goes into attack mode and I'll be laying in bed and all of a sudden she comes racing toward me, smacks me in the face with her paw (no claws), and then takes off running again. Yes my kitten somethings slaps me in the face and then runs away. It's scary and funny all at the same time.

I had a wonderful birthday, Christmas, and New Year's. Clay gave me the 2 things I wanted most: tickets to go see Phantom of the Opera and money to go shopping. Of course I will be taking my gay husband Erasto to go see Phantom of the Opera February 13th and Clay is happy he doesn't have to go.

My sister came home for Christmas and it was so wonderful to be with her again. I miss her so much. I promised I'd go visit at some point within 3 months so most likely in March I will try to go up to Seattle to see her. While she was here my brother Sergio introduced us to a Nicaraguan restaurant he found near our house and it is actually really good. We all went as a family and ordered way too much food but it was really delicious. I took Clay and Erasto and they liked it too so I was really pleased. I like introducing people to Nicaraguan food and it makes me happy when they genuinely like it. Sergio was like, "How dare you go without me!" I jacked his spot, hah!

So Christmas was fun too. I gave Sergio and Eduardo Coal gum as their first gift. I thought it was a cute idea and it made them laugh so it was cool. Sergio wrapped Diego's present in an ad that had a woman wearing just a bra which of course made everyone laugh. Overall a great night. The only thing that sucked, which I almost forgot, was that my gums became extremely sensitive and I couldn't brush my teeth or eat really hard food for a week because I was in so much pain. Turns out my blood count dipped really low that week, which explained the bleeding gums. It was terrible. In order to avoid that happening again I have started the Neupogen shots again. I am always glad I learned how to give myself the shots, makes me feel so nursey, lol.

New Year's we had a dance party at home and of course I partied like it was 1999 and then passed out at like 11pm and missed the new year. Turns out I wasn't the only party pooper: Eduardo went to bed at 11:30pm and Fatima doesn't remember she fell asleep at around midnight. So basically Sergio, Diego, and my mom were the only ones who actually welcomed the new year, with the Moet I bought! And of course Sergio took pictures of each of us passed out with a little yellow post it near our mouths that read,"Happy New Year!" It was really funny. To us at least.........

Clay was in Virginia and ended up staying later because he got really sick while he was there. I freaked out a little when I didn't hear from him for a day because I was worried about him and it made me realize what it felt like when I did that. Last year there were times when I got really sick and because I didn't feel well I wouldn't answer his calls and he would tell me he had been really worried about me. Now I realize how important it is to let the other person know you're ok so they don't worry and he realized how much you really don't feel like talking to people when you feel like shit. But he got better and he came home only a few days later than expected. He had purchased tickets to go to the Rose Bowl but he canceled them because he didn't know if he would be back in time. He came home New Year's Eve and was waiting for his luggage at midnight. I told him he didn't miss much.

So my parents are officially divorced. My dad moved out the beginning of January and my mom got to keep the house, she has to pay for it though. Honestly, they had refinanced so many times over the years that the house at this point has no equity but she was adamant that she wanted it so she got it. I hope everything works out for the best. She also got full custody of Diego but my dad can see him anytime. My dad moved into a small house not too far away so he still takes Diego to school every morning and picks him up after school most days as well. I told my mom that even though I won't be home anymore I will still help her in any way that I can. I am.................. relieved it is finally over. I never felt comfortable at home knowing that my parents didn't speak to each other and avoided being in each other's presence yet continued to live in the same house. I hope they can both be happier now.

I am in my fourth cycle of British MOPP; 4 more to go. I had a CT scan earlier this month and............... the best results I've had in a year! All the enlarged lymph nodes had significantly reduced in size, some had returned to their normal shape. Ever since the no breathing incident I had had liquid in my left lung, it's gone now. Really the best results I've had in a long time. I almost couldn't believe it. As long as my results don't plateau........... I can't even explain what I felt when I heard the results. I had gotten so used to hearing the usual: a little bit better, a little bit worse, no change. It's been 2 1/2 years and frankly I was starting to worry that nothing was going to make my lymphoma go away. I never said it aloud but the idea was there. Would I live to see the next 5 years? Was I going to be that person who lost her 3 year battle with cancer? It was a terrible thought but one that I couldn't shake, especially after every test result revealed that things were not getting better. It had gotten to the point where as long as it wasn't getting worse it was ok. But I also wasn't getting better. And every time I stopped receiving treatment, I got worse. I just didn't see any end and I was suffering the side effects of the treatments. But finally positive results. Getting better results. Finally......... FINALLY!

So......... British MOPP is not too bad. The worst side effects are the lowered blood counts which sometimes require a blood transfusion, the occasional nausea, and achey body. On the plus side, the apartment has never been cleaner. Because of the Prednisone, I get so hyper sometimes that I clean for hours at a time because I can't sit still. Clay's not complaining.

My new project is a spreadsheet Clay made me that will help me figure out where my money is going every month. I decided to fill it out for last year and it's taking me awhile to go through my bank statements. I'm hoping this will help me become more aware of what I should be cutting back on. My savings account has unfortunately no savings and I'd like to change that this year.

For 2009 I decided on a few resolutions:

1. Eat healthier. This means cook more, microwave less. More fruits and veggies.
2. Eat out less. This relates to #1 but also to #3.
3. Try to find ways to save money. This includes quitting my tea latte addiction. Good bye Coffee Bean!
4. Get my driver's license. I know, I say this every year, but really this time.
   
5. Read more books. I am still slowly getting through One Hundred Years of Solitude. I am halfway done. It really is a great book so far and I had wanted to read it in Spanish but I realize now it would take me a year if I did.
6. Stop buying things I only use a few times. By this I mean clothes and shoes. Obviously I'm still going to shop but I need to stop buying things I only wear once. This year I will try to really think about how often I will use something before I buy it. I'm crossing my fingers that I really stick to this.

Well I think those were it for now.

Movies I saw that I loved:

• Changeling
• Gran Torino
• Son of Rambow (loved loved)
• The Duchess
• Notorious (By the way Juicy is my all time favorite song in the world, in case you didn't know.)
• Weeds (Yes I know it's not a movie but I've watched Seasons 1-3 and am now addicted, waiting for Season 4 to become available on Netflix. I love Celia! She is just too much and I love it.)

I've also seen W, Valkyrie, and Milk but they didn't wow me. I'm looking forward to seeing Slumdog Millionaire and Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Oh and Clay bought a 52 inch plasma TV and it is amazing. I'm like that flea on the cat in that one commercial, "Wow."

So I think I've covered everything I wanted to. Oh my goodness I almost forgot something. I just got my first Fendi purse and it is beautiful. Thanks to my wonderful generous boyfriend. And yes I love it. I'm a girl who loves purses and shoes leave me alone!