Bad News

I received the results of my PET scan last week. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, my cancer hasn't completely gone away and it seems to have gotten stronger in my chest area. I met with my oncologist and a radiation oncologist but they couldn't tell me what my next course of treatment is going to be. It was suppose to be radiation in the chest area but now I have to meet with a transplant doctor first. I am not looking forward to it. I meet with him in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he'll say that I still just need radiation. The other option they had suggested was a bone marrow transplant after high dose chemotherapy. I'm trying to avoid this if at all possible.

I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.

So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.

To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....

Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.

I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.

On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.