Back on the Train

Well, I got the results of my biopsy and PET scan earlier than expected. Not good news...... I still have Hodgkin's and it has spread. Damn cancer......

So I stopped working again, this past Monday was my last day. I worked for one full month. I think it took me half that time just to get used to being back at work again, lol. Having the extra income really helped though and I was able to renew my health insurance coverage for the year, so it was worth it.

So........... I'm back on chemotherapy, a different kind though. It's called ICE and it's salvage chemotherapy. Apparently it's a little more intense and they also do it to see if I'll still respond to chemotherapy. It's a 3 day event. The first day is only one hour of chemo (Tuesday). The 2nd and 3rd day are together because it's 27 hours. Yup, 27 hours of chemo. On Wednesday I was checked into the hospital in the morning and they hooked me up to an IV which ran for almost 30 hours. I was discharged yesterday (Thursday) like at midnight. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I expected, seriously. When I went in on Tuesday, I thought all my old fears, phobias, and associations would return in full force but they didn't. I kept giving myself pep talks though so that might have helped, "You are not nauseous, you are not nauseous!," "This soup is yummy, this soup is yummy! And you love vegetables, you love vegetables!" Hey, whatever works. When I went home I wasn't tired and still didn't feel nauseous so I considered it a successful day. This really helped me face days 2 and 3. My biggest fear was the nausea and it's been noticeably absent. None on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or so far today. It's been the biggest consolation to date, lol. Pain I can so so stand, but nausea....... let's just be thankful it's not a problem....... yet...........

So this little 3 day parade I only have to do twice. So I go back in 3 weeks for the last one. Yeah! After that, the next phase of my treatment kicks in............. I'll be doing a bone marrow transplant. Yup, they dropped the big BMT on me. Radiation is no longer an option because my cancer is spread over too large an area. It's a misconception though because what I'm actually going to do is more of a stem cell infusion, but bone marrow transplant is what everyone calls it. Basically they'll take out some of my platelets or marrow and freeze them. Then I'll get high dose chemotherapy that will shut down my immune system completely but is suppose to kill off all the cancer. Then they give me back what they froze and there! I spend a couple months recovering........ hopefully cancer-free.

It's funny because I thought I would freak out. Like just freak the fuck out. But.... I feel as if I've become more determined. I've had it with Hodgkin's! I want it done, out, gone! Whatever it takes! This is not to say I'm not scared and that I haven't cried. I am and have. But before, the treatment itself was the my main source of my fears. Now, it's the cancer. This whole time before I just wanted treatment to end, treatment was ruining my life. Once treatment was over, I figured everything would get better. I assumed treatment would work. But it didn't. I've realized my beef is with cancer. I need to battle cancer, not my treatment. Having changed this mentality, I am able to accept the treatment that awaits me. Granted I'm scared and it'll probably be hard sometimes, but I need to do this. I need to do what it takes to get rid of this cancer.

It should happen sometime in August. I'll probably go in the beginning of August and I'll be at the hospital for at least 3-4 weeks. I have an appointment with the transplant doctor next Monday so I'll know better then the dates. In total, they anticipate that I'll be out of work for 6 months. That's not that bad. After August it's just recovery time.

My biggest wish: 6 months from now I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday. I want a cake with candles, and when I blow them out, I want to be able to say, "I'm 28 today and I'm cancer-free." I was diagnosed at 26, celebrated 27 with cancer, but 28 I hope will be without it. That is my biggest wish.