Day +10

To clarify, the day of the transplant is called Day Zero, the day after Day +1, and so on. Today is Day +10 for me.... and I've been doing really really well! Almost TOO well......

This whole time we've been waiting for my white blood count to drop and so far it hasn't. Instead my counts have stayed at normal and above normal! You'd think I'd be happy about it but it gave me a different kind of paranoia. Everyday I'd wake up thinking, "Is today the day my counts will drop and I'll get sick and feel like shit?" After 5 days of waking up feeling completely fine, I started to think maybe it hadn't worked. So for 3 days I worried that maybe the chemo and transplant hadn't worked and that my cancer was still going about its spreading business. Finally I decided to stop stressing it. I expected the worst but I got the best so I should be damned happy about it!

So basically no pain, no sickness, no mouth sores, no extreme fatigue.... no nothing. I'm like the rock star patient here, lol. So anyways, my doctor today said that I might be discharged tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm excited and worried. I'm looking forward to my freedom but I'd gotten used to the close monitoring. What if I get sick at home? What am I going to do?! This goes back to the old theme of getting used to the abnormal as normal and vice versa.

I have all of September off and then I come back in October for more chemo and another stem cell transplant. I've been warned that that one might be more difficult because I'll get 3 chemos instead of just one. I figure I coasted through this one so I can't complain about the next one. That hospital stay is suppose to be longer, like 3-5 weeks. If I get discharged Tuesday, I'll have been here exactly 2 weeks. Surprisingly, I'm not that scared of the 2nd one. A part of me wishes I could just do it sooner and get it over with.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never go back to a normal life. Granted, not my old normal (I wouldn't want it anymore), but a new normal. I realized cancer will always be in my life. I will always worry about a relapse, I'll always have to have at the very least a yearly scan, I'll always perk up at the mention of the word. It's neither a positive nor negative presence, it just is. Right now everything is still treatment. I'm waiting for the time when treatment is finished and I have the clean scans to prove it. Then I can go on with my new normal life.

On another note, the open wound from my port removal has finally completely closed. It's a little scar but it's ugly. And it's still that angry red color. I wanted to start using Mederma on it because I had really good results before but the 2 times I put it on, the area started to itch like crazy. It was so bad I had to just wash it off like 10 minutes later. I don't know why it's irritating my skin now, kinda sucks. I really don't want to not put anything on it so I'm gonna have to find something else to aid the healing process. Anyways, my chest now has 2 fairly visible scars. They are definitely not pretty or subtle. You'd think it would bother me but it doesn't. I just added them to my growing list of scars on my body.

And before I forget, I now have a new laptop! Mind you, it's just a basic laptop but I love it because it's all mine and it's perfect for my needs (downloading music, surfing the net, and word processing). I went all through college without one and we have one at home but it's the family computer, we all use it. This is like my first personal, only for me, myself, and I computer. Isn't that crazy! I'm such a dinosaur, lol. This will definitely aid me on my journey towards computer proficiency (I don't even know how to use Excel..... yet).

It's all part of my grand master plan towards self-improvement. I've also vowed to get my license in September. And this time I mean it! I have to have to have to! I swear I'll just refuse to drive for the rest of my life if I don't do it in September. Then I'll have to move to NYC where it's socially acceptable to not have a license.

So that's about it for now! We'll see how the whole moving back home thing works out. I'm such an exagerada, it's only been 2 weeks but I act like I've been living here for months. It's just so safe and secure here. My house is like one giant germ city. We just have too many pets and even though my mom is deep cleaning the house and forbidding my brothers from bringing the dogs in, I'm still worried. You have to understand, people who visit me here have to wear gloves and a face mask in my room. Once, a nurse came in and saw that my sister had taken her mask off and gave us all a big lecture about how it was for my protection so that I don't get sick. So, that's what I've gotten used to. God, and I used to love germs too!