One Month Later

I didn't realize it had been this long since I'd last written.

So my mom and I went to Las Vegas and it was a lot of fun. We definitely walked around a lot. It's funny because usually by midnight I was dead tired and my mom still wanted another margarita. It was definitely good times. On Friday night we did get to see Phantom of the Opera, which I loved, and Saturday night we saw Mystere. I introduced her to the joys of the quarter Wheel Of Fortune slots. It was fun. I'm really glad we went. I feel like I'd like to make it a tradition, every year for her birthday we go somewhere she's never been. Anyways, when I stop being lazy I'll post the pictures from our trip.

So a couple weeks ago I started having breathing problems. It was mild but I noticed that sometimes I'd get out of breath fairly easily. It sort of went away after a few days but my doctor prescribed an inhaler just in case. Well 2 weeks ago, I started having breathing problems again. The thing is, the beginning of April I'd had a CT scan and it showed everything was stable, not any better but not any worse. A week later I was having so much trouble breathing (the inhaler was only mildly helping) that I called out of work and went to the hospital instead. Well that same day I had another CT scan and it showed that I had a lot of inflammation in my lungs so I ended up just being admitted into the hospital. That was last week Wednesday.

I was put on oxygen as soon as I was admitted because my oxygen levels were so low. The next day, Thursday, I had a bronchoscopy but my breathing was so bad I was moved into ICU so that they could monitor me more closely. So I spent the weekend in ICU and on Sunday was moved to DCU (Definitive Care Unit), which apparently is when you're well enough to leave ICU but not well enough to move to the regular floors. Finally yesterday I moved out of DCU and went into the regular rooms and today I was discharged and finally got to go home.

During this entire time they're trying to figure out what is wrong but all the tests come back negative so they don't really give me anything that makes me feel better other than an oxygen mask. So I kind of had to just suffer through it and slowly get better on my own. Ultimately I left the hospital today with no definite diagnosis of what could have caused my breathing troubles. They have 3 different theories. 1) It was an atypical infection, maybe a virus, and because I have a weak immune system, I had an acute reaction to it. 2) It is a reaction to the chemotherapy. 3) The Hodgkin's may have invaded my lungs. Now, the problems with the last one is that I had 2 CT scans a week apart and the first was clear but the 2nd immediately showed the problems in my lungs. It seems highly unlikely that Hodgkin's would have spread that quickly in a week's time. That and I slowly started getting better on my own, if it was Hodgkin's, I wouldn't have gotten better. That leaves just 1 and 2. And they don't know which one it might be. Personally, I think it was an infection just because I also had fevers that eventually went away. But apparently the fevers don't prove anything.

At one point, they suggested I have a lung biopsy and at first I was for it but once I realized the risks that were involved and the 2 weeks of recovery that would be needed, I decided against it. The problem with the biopsy is that it could have revealed what I had, but it could also have come up negative and we'd be back where we started. Basically all the tests were proving what it was not, but never what it was.

I have to say, it was pretty bad in the beginning. I literally could not breath. My breathing was ragged and even speaking left me struggling for air. Emotionally, it was also very hard. It was hard to end up in the hospital again after a period in which I felt like things had fallen into place and I had settled into a routine. I hated that it reminded me that my health was not secure and stable. That an infection could lay me out like this. The fact that I had trouble breathing did not help, I kept feeling like I was suffocating. It was really awful, more so emotionally than physically. Usually I'm pretty good about staying positive but this really brought me down. Only because I felt like my dreams were crashing around me. At the time, the doctors were more pessimistic and made it seem like I would be in the hospital much longer than I actually was. So I just felt like, here I was feeling like I could do this, I could live with cancer and still be fairly normal. But this incident reminded me that living with cancer would still involve the occasional bump in the road.

I'm just glad I'm feeling better. I'm still not completely fine but I no longer need the oxygen and it's not painful to take a deep breath anymore. Too much exertion still leaves me a little winded though. I've gotten better because all I did was lay in bed and not move. Moving makes my oxygen levels drop somewhat. But I need to move, my lungs need to get used to the activity. Hopefully in the next couple of days I'll be able to get moving a little bit without getting too much out of breath.

Today was the annual Bone Marrow Transplant survivors reunion at City of Hope. I had wanted to go but obviously couldn't. I regret that I missed it because I did want to see people who'd had a transplant and see how they were doing months and years past it. Guess I'll go next year.....

It feels good to be home. It feels good to be able to breath.

By the way, I got my driving permit 3 weeks ago. I know, I know, finally. I've had it before, I just never actually take the actual driving test to get my license. Clay says he'll help me practice in his car, which is a Volvo. It's a little scary because it's so wide. But I'm excited! And scared all at once. God I wish LA was like NYC, then this wouldn't be an issue.

It's been an emotional roller coaster. I can't wait to go back to work. I don't know yet what this health episode will mean for my current cancer treatment. My doctor and I discussed stopping chemotherapy (in case it was chemo related) and trying a new experimental drug. I'm just hesitant because of the side effects. But then again, everything has it's side effects. We'll see, we'll have to decide next next.

Again, my mom was..... simply wonderful. Her constant presence made me feel not as lonely. It was a great great comfort. When I was alone, it was too easy to sink into the darkness. It made me feel good knowing that she was by my side, even just watching TV.

So my fish is still alive! I know, I announce this at every post like it's unusual that my fish should survive my care.

My sister graduates from grad school in June so my family will be traveling to Seattle then. I wonder if it's just a bigger version of Ithaca? I'll be looking forward to the trip.

So yeah, that was my month. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad the weather is warming up. I think I'm going to start wearing my masks again. I wonder if I became lax in my care towards my health. I need to focus on being healthy again. Eating better. Wearing my mask. Resting more. I can't wait to go back to work.