Wishing You Good Luck

Today in the news it was announced that John Edwards wife's cancer had returned.

I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.

However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.

And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.

I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.

I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.

To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.