I just realized it's my fault. My expectations were all wrong. I expected things to go back to normal and I was so excited at that prospect. It didn't occur to me that I would have changed. And when things didn't click like I expected them to, I felt let down, betrayed even. I'm trying to force things to be a certain way instead of learning to accept how they are now. But I'm trying. It's just hard.
Kinda reminds me of how it felt when I first realized that my high school friends and I weren't on the same page anymore because my experiences in college had changed me. Or when I first came back to LA after being in Ithaca for 6 years.
Oh man, oh man......
It's coming to me now............
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
What's the Difference Between Being in Limbo or Purgatory?
I feel strange.... almost cut off from my body and my surroundings.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Back To Work
So I finally returned to work yesterday. Last week the HR manager called to ask me if I would be coming back and I kept giving her mixed messages because I just wasn't sure. It was actually what propelled me to say, "Fuck it, I'm going back to work." Within 2 days I got my doctor to write a note and I started yesterday. It was a little weird at first just because everyone I know kept congratulating me and asking me how I was doing. I know that they're just concerned but having 20 people ask me all day was overwhelming. Then there was the group of people who didn't know why I'd left and they kept asking me where I went and why I cut my hair. So yeah it was a little much but this week I only work 3 days and then next week I'll start full time again. I know that I didn't have to go back to work but I'm glad that I did because I need something to fill the void of the "waiting time." That and I just want to make sure that Bloomingdale's keeps paying my health insurance contribution. The last thing I want is to start paying COBRA, which significantly raises my health insurance payments.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
Monday, May 7, 2007
It Was So Hot Today!
For Cinco de Mayo I did something I rarely do: I hung out with my brother Sergio. It's not often that we get to hang out so when we do, it makes me really happy. When I went away to college, he was only 11 years old and when I finally came back home, he was 17 already so it's taken us awhile to be able to relate again. Anyways, we were able to hang out and it was really cool (not to say that we don't, it's just not often).
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Bored
I met with the transplant doctor almost 2 weeks ago. Based on my most recent PET scan results, he couldn't tell me if the cancer had gone away. Apparently the results showed that there was increased activity but it wasn't clear whether it was cancerous or non-cancerous. So.... we're just gonna wait and see. I'm gonna have another PET scan done the beginning of June. By that point, if my cancer has not gone away, it should be strong enough to show up much more clearly in the scan. It's a little unnerving to realize that I have to wait for the cancer to potentially become stronger in order to decide what my next course of treatment is going to be. If that happens, I'll be considered to have recurring disease, which means a bone marrow transplant (or it might be a stem cell transplant) would be the most likely option.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
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