What's the Difference Between Being in Limbo or Purgatory?

I feel strange.... almost cut off from my body and my surroundings.

So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.

I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.

That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.

Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.

I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.

Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......

I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.

I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.

I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.