Ok, Maybe Not Lucid Enough

I got as far as a title but then I fell asleep!

So today is Day +4. I don't even know how to explain what the last 10 days have been like. They weren't joking about bringing out the big guns. Everything pretty much from Sept. 15th (a Saturday) to about Sept. 21st (a Friday) is really hazy. I was sooooooooooooooooooooo sick. Like dying a slow and painful death with razors sick. I couldn't keep anything down. And it wasn't like hungover throw up, it was like green bile and insides rearranging themselves throw up. I know, TMI. So they kept me drugged up most of the time but of course I didn't realize it then. It's only now looking back at it that I realize I don't remember anything but sleeping and throwing up. My mom was with me almost the whole time and she told me it was pretty bad. At some point I gave her my cell phone and told her I didn't want any contact from anyone. But she let Clay and my sister know why I wasn't picking up.

My nausea isn't as bad anymore but now I have mouth sores! I think sometime during the hazy period they put me on one of those IV nutrition things and I'm still on it, now because my throat is killing me and I can't eat or swallow anything more substantial than applesauce.

It's weird because I'm happy I'm feeling better, mouth sores and all, but it's still nowhere near being ok yet. But it's better than the nausea period........... One kinda cool thing is they gave me this thing where when I press it, morphine comes out for my throat pain. I still can't eat anything but the concept is cool.

It's so weird. It's like I can't believe I was that sick. But I was. And I was pretty loopy through most of it. But I'll remember snatches of memory and they'll remind me I was that sick just a few days ago. And today my doctor even talked about when I would get to go home, and I'm like, I'm not even eating and drinking on my own yet, how can we even talk about when I'm going home?? It was weird.

Anyways........ I'm kinda tired now so I think I'll take a nap. My mind sometimes feels foggy still.........

It's funny because my doctor said I actually had extreme side effects to the chemo. Of course I would.......... I almost smiled.................

Finally Lucid Enough

Eeeek!

So today I start chemotherapy. I'm getting nervous! I've been drowning in pills since I got here and recently they gave me Benadryl and Ativan so pretty soon I'll be conking out. I swear I have more to say but the meds are starting to kick in. I'm getting so sleepy..................................

Short Update

This will be super short just because I want to write but I think I should go to bed instead.

I am back at the hospital. Yup, I checked back in today. I am excited and anxious all at once. I feel like my last transplant experience was anticlimactic. So although I've been warned that I should stop wishing that I'd gotten sick, I feel like I won't believe I'm getting better unless I suffer a little. I'd be posing as a bad ass otherwise. I need my suffering cred to be able to join the post treatment cancer survivors clique. Otherwise they'll just shun me!

Anywhoo, so I got my PET scan and CT scan results back. Let's see if you can guess the results........ nope didn't get better......... nope didn't get worse........... ding ding ding, that's right! No change whatsoever. It is disheartening to say the least. So they're bringing out the big guns this time, which they assure me will show no mercy. Good! As I always say, pain is pleasure! Er......... I mean, no pain no gain! Let's just hope they also kill the cancer and not just my will to live.

Well, it starts tomorrow................

F*%#!

So at about 8pm I started a new entry and I ranted and raved for 2 hours and when I pressed Publish Post, poof! It disappeared. And of course I didn't think to save it when I was almost done, so all I was able to recover was the opening paragraph.

Forget it! Just forget it!

And of course I'd decided to get all deep and talk about the meaning of life.......... Guess I'll give it another go tomorrow...........

Wasn't Tired

My song for today was Blaze of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi.

So today my sister Fatima, my brother Diego, and I went to play miniature golf, which I love. I had the bright idea of going to a mini golf place I'd been to before but wasn't sure where it was. I knew it was by Disneyland so I figured, how hard could it be to find it? Problem was, we didn't realize until we were on the road that none of us knew how to get to Disneyland. So needless to say, my sister wasn't a very happy camper after being lost in Anaheim for an hour and a half..... oops, my bad! Thank goodness the place was actually really big and cool. We had fun after we all calmed down. Usually I play with my boyfriend Clay and he's really good so I always lose, but today I actually did really well so I was happy about winning. Then we headed home and it only took 30 minutes. At least I know how to get to it now........

I had my PET scan on Friday. I was so nervous the night before that I couldn't sleep and then I woke up before my alarm went off in the morning. Then when I got there, I fell asleep during the exam! I had a crazy dream, I hope I can explain it well. I dreamt that I was getting the PET scan but feel asleep and had a dream that I was in Nashville with my BFF Danette and that she was showing me her boyfriend's house. I dreamt that I woke up from that dream and was sitting up in the PET scan table.In my dream I realized I had been dreaming and that I woke up in the middle of the scan. The technician came over and told me to lay down because I wasn't suppose to move and they weren't done. Then the PET scan machine malfunctioned and threw me off the table onto the floor. But the technicians ignored me and started leading the new patient in instead. I was mad because I had thought it was so unprofessional that they hadn't even asked me if I was ok so decided to just leave the hospital. That's when the technician woke me up in real life to tell me the scan was over. So basically I had a dream about having a dream while doing exactly what I was doing in real life, it was weird. I was almost disoriented because I was like, I'm still doing the PET scan? I thought it was over! But that had been in my dream. It was crazy, almost Twilight Zone-ish.

Tomorrow my sister is finally leaving back to Seattle. It is going to be very hard when she leaves..... I think my mom and I are especially going to take it hard.

Then the 11th I have a CT scan, the 12th I meet with my transplant doctor, and the 13th I check back into the hospital.

And I realized yesterday that.......... 9/11 is coming up soon........... it was the day I found out I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. What an unlucky day!

Uh oh........... I am going to have to ponder the significance of this further............ but not tonight.............

Till next time, same bat time, same bat channel!

Feeling Dreamy

So I'm sitting here listening to a little Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Diana Krall, Louis Armstrong, and some Moon River. :)

So I've mentioned Sex & the City is my favorite show ever. Well, I once wrote down my favorite quotes from it and I think I'll share them.

• Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.
• The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well that's just fabulous.
• In a city of infinite options, sometimes there's no better feeling than knowing you only have one.
• Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.
• When will waiting for the one be done?
• "Soul mate." Two little words. One big concept. A belief that someone, somewhere, is holding the key to your heart and your dream house. All you have to do is find them. So where is this person? And if you love someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soul mate?
• La Douleur Exquise!: Did I ever really love Big, or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable?
• When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost, or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?
• Time and Punishment: Can you ever really forgive if you can't forget?
• Do we need distance to get close?
• I am someone who is looking for love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love.

This one is from the movie How to Deal:

• Life is worth embracing.... Here's to a lifetime of big, messy, wonderfully out of order moments.

And my last one:

• Para expresar lo que siento, me falta espacio, me falta idioma, me faltan idea y pensamiento. - son popular

You know, I think of myself as a passionate person. When I love, my love is.... everywhere and everything. When I get angry, I'm like an erupting volcano. But thank goodness I've learned to control that a little more, lol. When I feel hurt, I admit, my perceived despair can be a little extreme, lol. I think that's why sometimes I can be dramatic or an exagerada. Maybe sometimes it's too much, too much emotion. But you know, I don't think I would want to be any other way. As I've gotten older, I like to think I've calmed down a little more, in the sense that I don't let my emotions run away with me and rule my life. But I'll always cry at movies (and sometimes books), I'll always write down quotes or poems that touch me, and I'll always feel love songs deep in my heart.

Mmmmmmmm...............

Just Don't Yell At Me

So I had a very spirited discussion with my sister's boyfriend over how to deal with anger or an argument.

My Argument:

I think that when people get angry, they become irrational, illogical, and they almost always say things that they don't mean. And this includes me. So when I start fighting with someone, I almost always don't want to talk about it or resolve it right then and there because I know I'm angry and I'm not going to listen. I prefer to take time off to cool down so that I can figure out what my real feelings are about the situation. I don't want to discuss things when I know I'm being irrational. Worse, I hate it when I yell or am being yelled at. That's probably the worst thing I hate. So when someone starts yelling at me or I realize that we are both yelling at each other, I immediately just want to walk away to cool down. How are we resolving things by yelling at each other? So I'm a big believer in each person needing their space to think about things rationally. My problem is that sometimes it takes me a day or two to cool down. So I realize how this might piss the other person off. But in the same respect, I'm not going to sit there thinking that the argument is going nowhere.

I am like this because I remember when I was younger and I used to have these big fights for hours with my exes that didn't go anywhere. In almost all my past relationships I used to yell and I was irrational and arguments would go on for hours. I think it's a waste of time trying to talk when you're furious. And I don't want to be THAT couple that's always fighting in public or yelling and cursing at each other.

His Argument:

Problems need to be resolved immediately. If you are angry and you are the person who has been wronged, you should be able to yell at the other person for wronging you. You should not have to swallow your anger, you should be able to express it to the other person. If the other person doesn't want to resolve it immediately, then they obviously don't care. Why would you let the person you love spend an entire day being miserable and angry instead of talking (or yelling) things out?

He comes from a family where you don't go to sleep angry and arguments are resolved right away. He says that emotions, even anger, should be allowed to be expressed. He doesn't think it is healthy to swallow your anger.

So you can see, two very different points of view. About an hour later, neither of us had budged from our corners. We wouldn't even concede small points. Then I told Clay and he pretty much said we were both stupid, lol.

Clay's 2 cents:

People focus too much on the anger and not enough on the emotions that created the anger. We become angry because we have been hurt. So instead of saying, "You did something that pissed me off," which focuses on the anger, it's more accurate to say, "You did something that hurt my feelings and that's why I'm pissed off," which focuses on the emotions, which is really the root of the problem. Having your feelings hurt is what causes you to be angry. He agreed that yelling and trying to talk when you're pissed off is counterproductive. But that taking a day or two to cool down was being selfish. He said that yes people should take a step back to cool off but that that step should be no longer than 30 minutes. He agreed that problems should be resolved at least the same day.

But you know, things can be circumstantial so my point is that what if you feel that you have been greatly wronged, can you really get over it in one day? Or if it's something insignificant, do I really deserve to be yelled at? Tito (my sister's boyfriend) brought up the point that if you are the one who did the wronging, you should expect to get yelled at and that really you should be putting in more of an effort to resolve the issue since it is your fault. I don't know how I feel about this. Even when I've been wronged, I still don't want to yell at you, I still want to take a step back to get over my anger to think about what happened, and to rationally figure out how I really feel about it. And I'd prefer to do it away from you so just give me my space. If I've done the wronging, granted I realize I'm in the doghouse but I guess I assume that you're angry so I give you your space (that's what I would want) until I think you've calmed down and want to talk to me. Tito said that this was a cop out, selfish, and me trying to work only on my time schedule (in both instances). But what would be accomplished with you yelling at me, or me yelling at you, for hours?

Although Clay agreed that yelling doesn't produce any positive results but he did agree that ignoring someone for a day or more was being selfish. He also is quick to point out that in the majority of arguments, there is no such thing as one person being right and the other wrong. He thinks that both parties should be open to examining what they did wrong. I feel like this is a great way to avoid the blame game but it's hard, especially when you think you're right. It's hard to admit to yourself that maybe you've done something to cause the other person to do what they did, or react the way they have.

I think sometimes I have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, mostly because sometimes I can't get past my own viewpoint to see how I've hurt someone else. So I think I'm right, but I'm really wrong. Or maybe not wrong, just unintentionally doing something that is hurting someone else. I feel like that's an important detail, whether you do something intentionally or unintentionally and I guess I want to be given some credit when it's unintentional. But that doesn't really matter when you're the one who's been hurt, intentionally or not. So really, I should just say I'm sorry and stop there. Just don't expect me to beg for forgiveness, unless I know I've done something REALLY bad.

It was quite an interesting conversation.

Yesterday I hung out with my friends Nicole and Patrick. Patrick is a visual merchandiser at the Bloomingdale's in Newport Beach so we met him for lunch. It was nice, except half the mall was closed because of a power outage caused by the heat. I bought a cool grey sweater jacket from Forever 21. Nicole totally showed me up and bought these really cool bronze Gucci peep toe pumps and matching Gucci purse. I was like, nice, I spend $30 and she spends $1,200. My jacket wouldn't even cover half of her tax, lol. It was still fun.

Today, Fatima and Tito took me to the hospital where I had an appointment for a MUGA scan. It takes pictures of my heart. Afterwards we went to the Grove so I could browse at Nordstrom while they waited with me until Clay got out of work. Clay and I then went and had dinner together in Little Tokyo. Again, I had a really nice day. I'm trying to enjoy the little time I have left until I go back to the hospital.

Friday I have a PET scan. I'm nervous and excited. My last one was in June and it showed that my cancer had really not changed since I was diagnosed. I also have a CT scan on Monday so these 2 tests......... they have to be more positive than previous ones. They just have to. I almost wish I was more religious so that I could believe that just by praying alot the results would be great. I'll find out the results by next week.

Too bad I also don't believe all that botanica superstition, otherwise I'd be burning candles and powders and oils for good luck. Guess I'll just hope for the best.

If You Ask Me In Person I'll Deny It!

Remember Naked Guy on Friends? Lol, I love watching reruns! And if I haven't said this enough, Sex & the City is still the best show ever. Sorry, I've been watching alot of reruns lately.

So there's been this heat wave that just doesn't seem to know that it's time to quit. It was hellish yesterday and today. What's made it worse is that it's also been kinda humid too. So can you imagine 95 degrees with humidity? It was awful I tell you. Thank God for air conditioners!

So these last couple of days I've realized that..... my hair is growing back! My hair is fuzzy with the new growth, lol. It should make me happy but instead I'm whatever over it. So this is what happened. Apparently, it was too good to be true that I didn't have any reactions from the high dose chemo so my doctor says they're investigating/doing an analysis of the chemo they gave me. Doesn't that suck? I'm like, don't do this to me! I don't even know what I would do if something had been done wrong. I really really hope that I just did really really well. Anyways, this relates to my hair because supposedly it should have fallen off again. But that's what they said about my ABVD chemo and it didn't so just because it didn't fall out again doesn't mean it's a bad sign. But then again they are conducting an analysis so that worries me. To continue, I still have another round of high dose chemo so it could still fall out again. So, I'm trying not to get attached to my new hair growth just in case. Too bad, it's so cute!

Two days ago a friend of mine asked me why I blog. Did I blog just to get my feelings out and if so, why didn't I just write in a journal? Or did I blog because I wanted people to read it? It's kinda hard to put into words why I blog. I've written in journals off and on for years. It's never something I stick to for very long. Actually, I usually stop because I realize I'm being too honest and I get scared someone will find my journal and read things I didn't necessarily want someone else to read. Which makes it strange that I should decide to blog instead.

The truth is that I blog because, like writing in a journal, I can be as honest as I want to be. More so than I am in person. Not that I'm a liar, lol. I mean it in the sense that, especially with the cancer stuff, sometimes I'm not very honest about my true feelings, even with some of my close friends or my family. I tend to act like everything is great, things are cool, I'm fine, nothings wrong, etc., etc. But sometimes thing's aren't fine, sometimes I'm not fine. I act much stronger than I feel sometimes. I'm trying to be brave and happy all the time, I guess to ease the fears of those around me. I don't want people to worry about me more than I know they already do. But then the times that I do worry or get scared or feel unhappy.... I'm not comfortable revealing that side of me, saying it out loud to someone. So when you ask me, I'll say I'm fine, even when I'm not. But when I write.... I am completely honest. Yes I still get scared, yes I worry about dying, yes I overreact sometimes, yes I get lonely, yes I am needier than I thought, yes I still cry about having cancer sometimes. But I won't say that out loud and I won't tell you that in person.

So why do I blog? Why don't I just write it in a journal? I don't know. If I really wanted it to be public, I would just use MySpace or at least mention it to everyone I know but I don't. And I don't think I'm less honest because it's online. Maybe I just like to type. Maybe this is my way of opening up. I used to get embarrassed when I would reread old journals (I couldn't believe I actually felt that way and actually wrote it down) but I don't feel that way when I read my old posts. I write for me, to put into words my thoughts and fears. And I don't care anymore if other people read what I write.

This blog strikes the perfect balance of personal and public. Maybe I like knowing that I can be as honest as I want to be but still hold back what I don't want to divulge. With journals, the whole point is that you're supposed to be completely honest about everything. That's why they're private. I like that I feel like I have a choice with the blog. I can say I don't have to be that honest because other people are reading it. I know, it's all psychological because I can do what I want with either medium. I'm actually going in circles with this now so I'll just stop. Suffice it to say that I am honest when I write about how I feel, especially in regards to my cancer. But I probably won't be writing about fights with my boyfriend anytime soon.

That being said, I am doing well, really! And I really am genuinely happy and fine most of the time. But when I'm not, you'll only know if you're reading my blog. Ha! I'll see who my TRUE friends are! Lol, I'm just kidding........... Whether people close to me (or strangers even) read or not doesn't bother me. Hell, my own sister hasn't read my blog! And that's ok.

Anyways, enough about that, so lately I've been listening to The Beatles Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album over and over again. God they were great! It still amazes me that I actually never got really into them until I went to college.

Last movies I saw: Remains of the Day (liked), The Lives of Others (loved!), Wayne's World ("Are you mental?!"), Alice In Wonderland (recently bought), and Cinderella (yeah I love Disney movies, and what!). Next: The Devil's Backbone (same director as Pan's Labyrinth) and Ben-Hur (lol, my mom bought the VHS for 50 cents at the library).

By the way, my new laptop has revolutionized my life. I don't even have to get out of bed to use it! One negative side affect: too much internet window shopping. I've already bought things online (a dress from anthropologie.com and a pair of shoes from urbanoutfitters.com) but it's gonna get worse unless I can get to a mall soon!

By the way, today was Day +18!

What Not To Do On A Friday Night

Definitely definitely not read the blogs of people who have DIED of Hodgkin's, definitely definitely not.

Why didn't I just watch Jimmy Kimmel?

So yeah, what's the deal man? I hate that either I hear about the people who went into remission after 2 months of chemo (Stage I or II) or I hear about the people who have relapsed 2-3 times, even after their transplants! Or worse, DIED!

It all started innocently enough. I went to my favorite cancer blog, Cancer is My Bitch (www.cancerismybitch.com/), and after rereading some of the past posts (I never get tired of them, they're either funny or deep) I decided to check out some of the linked blogs on his page. Tell me why the second one I go to is like, "So and so died peacefully of Hodgkin's with their family by their side." So of course I decided to read their blog. And guess what. They were only 23 and they'd received treatment at City of Hope too! I was like, Oh....My....God.

Then I was like, what the hell am I doing? Am I really freaking myself out like this, on a FRIDAY NIGHT! I needed to blog it out.

Anyways, today was another long day spent at the hospital. I had blood work at 10am and an appointment with my transplant doctor at 11am. However, my Hickman has been causing trouble lately. They used to be able to draw blood from it but for some reason they haven't been able to the last 3 times they've tried (once today, twice during my hospital stay). Apparently there might be tissue buildup blocking it so today I had to get medicine for it and it took a while to order and then after, it took an hour for it to work. Before that I had an EKG and my mom and I grabbed lunch while we waited for the medicine. We got to the hospital at 9:50am and didn't leave until 3:30pm. I complained about it being a long day and then realized, almost every time we come it's a long day, so actually, it wasn't that unusual. And actually, it was better than the last day of my stem cell collection. That day we'd gotten to the hospital at 8am and didn't leave until 5pm because I also ended up getting a blood transfusion too, my first ever.

I just realized I never mentioned that. Yeah, the last day of my stem cell collection (it was my 8th day) I also had to get a blood transfusion because my red blood count had been too low. Oh, that day I flipped out. Mind you, I've given blood before but the thought of getting a stranger's blood kinda grossed me out. I know, weird. So I was like, oh my God I'm getting some stranger's blood! I don't know anything about them! What if they're weird? What if it's some pimply high schooler's blood? What if all of a sudden I pick up someone else's personality because of their blood!!! I practically threw my hands up in the air and ran around in circles screaming. But of course I was fine and the stranger's blood has not caused any trouble. But my poor sister had to wait in waiting rooms that whole day.

My sister is still here, she decided not to leave until September 9th. She will have been home for over a month by then, almost a month and a half. I've said it before, I am going to miss her so much when she leaves. I think she feels better knowing that she's done more cancer-related things with me. Each time she comes home I'm on a break from treatment. Or she leaves right before I have surgery. This is the first time that she's been home and I've been in the middle of treatment so she's been able to come with me for just about everything: doctor's appointments, stem cell collections, and my hospital stay. Great, now I realized she won't be here for my second and supposedly longer hospital stay........

I never really felt lonely when I was at the hospital, only 1 day and it was because nobody had spent the night with me for 2 days straight. By the 3rd night I did feel kinda lonely. Thank God my mom called me that night, I think she heard it in my voice even though I kept insisting I was fine, so she came over and I felt better. I don't think I realized until then how much I really need my family's physical presence sometimes. I mean, that night it was already late but knowing that my mom was in the same room as me and would be for the rest of the night, made me feel not as lonely anymore. It's times like that when I don't feel 27.......... more like 7.

My mom......... what would I do without her?

Anyways, before I forget to mention it, my 2nd transplant was moved up. Instead of going in Oct. 4th, I'm now going in Sept. 13th, so in about 2 weeks. I know, again! But this is good, no sense in waiting. So..............this is it! The last one hopefully!

Oh and............ this means I won't have time to get my license. So I am hereby releasing myself from my oath to never drive again if I didn't get it in Sept. Uh oh, my grand master plan is falling apart! But the license is just going to have to wait, I just don't think I can do it before the 13th. But maybe my permit??? We'll see...........

Ok well, it is now 2:30am, time for bed!