Remember Naked Guy on Friends? Lol, I love watching reruns! And if I haven't said this enough, Sex & the City is still the best show ever. Sorry, I've been watching alot of reruns lately.
So there's been this heat wave that just doesn't seem to know that it's time to quit. It was hellish yesterday and today. What's made it worse is that it's also been kinda humid too. So can you imagine 95 degrees with humidity? It was awful I tell you. Thank God for air conditioners!
So these last couple of days I've realized that..... my hair is growing back! My hair is fuzzy with the new growth, lol. It should make me happy but instead I'm whatever over it. So this is what happened. Apparently, it was too good to be true that I didn't have any reactions from the high dose chemo so my doctor says they're investigating/doing an analysis of the chemo they gave me. Doesn't that suck? I'm like, don't do this to me! I don't even know what I would do if something had been done wrong. I really really hope that I just did really really well. Anyways, this relates to my hair because supposedly it should have fallen off again. But that's what they said about my ABVD chemo and it didn't so just because it didn't fall out again doesn't mean it's a bad sign. But then again they are conducting an analysis so that worries me. To continue, I still have another round of high dose chemo so it could still fall out again. So, I'm trying not to get attached to my new hair growth just in case. Too bad, it's so cute!
Two days ago a friend of mine asked me why I blog. Did I blog just to get my feelings out and if so, why didn't I just write in a journal? Or did I blog because I wanted people to read it? It's kinda hard to put into words why I blog. I've written in journals off and on for years. It's never something I stick to for very long. Actually, I usually stop because I realize I'm being too honest and I get scared someone will find my journal and read things I didn't necessarily want someone else to read. Which makes it strange that I should decide to blog instead.
The truth is that I blog because, like writing in a journal, I can be as honest as I want to be. More so than I am in person. Not that I'm a liar, lol. I mean it in the sense that, especially with the cancer stuff, sometimes I'm not very honest about my true feelings, even with some of my close friends or my family. I tend to act like everything is great, things are cool, I'm fine, nothings wrong, etc., etc. But sometimes thing's aren't fine, sometimes I'm not fine. I act much stronger than I feel sometimes. I'm trying to be brave and happy all the time, I guess to ease the fears of those around me. I don't want people to worry about me more than I know they already do. But then the times that I do worry or get scared or feel unhappy.... I'm not comfortable revealing that side of me, saying it out loud to someone. So when you ask me, I'll say I'm fine, even when I'm not. But when I write.... I am completely honest. Yes I still get scared, yes I worry about dying, yes I overreact sometimes, yes I get lonely, yes I am needier than I thought, yes I still cry about having cancer sometimes. But I won't say that out loud and I won't tell you that in person.
So why do I blog? Why don't I just write it in a journal? I don't know. If I really wanted it to be public, I would just use MySpace or at least mention it to everyone I know but I don't. And I don't think I'm less honest because it's online. Maybe I just like to type. Maybe this is my way of opening up. I used to get embarrassed when I would reread old journals (I couldn't believe I actually felt that way and actually wrote it down) but I don't feel that way when I read my old posts. I write for me, to put into words my thoughts and fears. And I don't care anymore if other people read what I write.
This blog strikes the perfect balance of personal and public. Maybe I like knowing that I can be as honest as I want to be but still hold back what I don't want to divulge. With journals, the whole point is that you're supposed to be completely honest about everything. That's why they're private. I like that I feel like I have a choice with the blog. I can say I don't have to be that honest because other people are reading it. I know, it's all psychological because I can do what I want with either medium. I'm actually going in circles with this now so I'll just stop. Suffice it to say that I am honest when I write about how I feel, especially in regards to my cancer. But I probably won't be writing about fights with my boyfriend anytime soon.
That being said, I am doing well, really! And I really am genuinely happy and fine most of the time. But when I'm not, you'll only know if you're reading my blog. Ha! I'll see who my TRUE friends are! Lol, I'm just kidding........... Whether people close to me (or strangers even) read or not doesn't bother me. Hell, my own sister hasn't read my blog! And that's ok.
Anyways, enough about that, so lately I've been listening to The Beatles Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album over and over again. God they were great! It still amazes me that I actually never got really into them until I went to college.
Last movies I saw: Remains of the Day (liked), The Lives of Others (loved!), Wayne's World ("Are you mental?!"), Alice In Wonderland (recently bought), and Cinderella (yeah I love Disney movies, and what!). Next: The Devil's Backbone (same director as Pan's Labyrinth) and Ben-Hur (lol, my mom bought the VHS for 50 cents at the library).
By the way, my new laptop has revolutionized my life. I don't even have to get out of bed to use it! One negative side affect: too much internet window shopping. I've already bought things online (a dress from anthropologie.com and a pair of shoes from urbanoutfitters.com) but it's gonna get worse unless I can get to a mall soon!
By the way, today was Day +18!
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