New New New

So it's been an eventful couple of months. I've been feeling like a million times better. I am off the Vorinostat and am in the middle of my second cycle of British MOPP. It finally got to the point where I couldn't handle Vorinostat's side effects. I was always tired, fatigued, nauseous, not eating, cold, getting muscle cramps, needing blood transfusions.... I was generally unhappy. I took Vorinostat for about 5 months and my results had started to plateau so it was time to start something else. British MOPP is a combination of pills and an IV chemo injection. Physically and emotionally I feel much better. I have the energy to do things and not just that but the desire to want to do things. I'm eating better and have happily put on some weight (thanks to the Prednisone). Sometimes I'm a little too hyper (again the Predisone) and it's a little weird because I feel like I could literally bounce off the walls, I prefer it to the listlessness I had with Vorinostat. The biggest drawback: no cheese! When I'm on the 2 week pill cycle I can't have cheese, smoked foods, yogurt, bananas, and alcohol. Something about how my body can't break down something in those foods. Thanks goodness it's not all the time but 3 weeks out of the month. It's easier than I thought it would be but still terrible when a Dorito or pizza craving hits. Or when I can picture how good lasagna would be right about the time I can't have it.

The only problem now is hoping that it will work at continuing to chip away at my Hodgkin's. I mean I feel great.... Doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing great. More like doing well. Not great, just well. Not any worse, not any better. Kinda sucks because there's no foreseeable end. Just gotta keep on truckin.

So, I've created a little family. It's me, Clay, the fish, and a new kitten!!! Yes I brought her to Clay's a little under 2 weeks ago. One day I decided I was getting a kitten and that was that. I got her from a shelter and she's tiger stripped with black and brown. Unfortunately she's not fixed yet because she had a little cold she had to get over first and the vet at the shelter told me to bring her back at the end of the month when the cold is gone and she's gained a little more weight. She's doing really well. Of course she was scared of us at first and would hide under the futon but she's pretty affectionate now. She loves perching on our shoulders and sleeping with us on the bed. She's too cute!!! We are having a naming issue. Clay keeps calling her Dougie Meowzer and Catten. I wanted to name her Kiki but it doesn't seem like it's going to stick. Anyways she's going to be staying at Clay's because it's the only way I can ensure Snub won't get her. My immune system is still weak so I shouldn't really have gotten her but she's made me so happy. Clay feeds her and I wear gloves and a mask when I clean her litter box. I'll try to be as careful as I can so that I don't get sick. But yes we're one big happy family now!

Clay decided he wants to buy a house so we had been house hunting the last several weeks. The thing is that he found some he likes and he's made some offers but they haven't worked out. The goal is to buy a house by next year. We'll see how that plays out. I had been holding my breath but I think I'll just breathe and see what happens. I'm thinking about moving in with him by the end of this year. I guess it's time to just take that step. I had been really apprehensive, mostly because I was scared of vulnerability. But if not now then when? I'm actually looking forward to it a little. The 2 of us. Might be nice.

I ended up getting a new laptop. It's a Dell and I'm happy to have a working laptop. The only thing, I don't like the new Internet Explorer. It's so slow so I've started using Mozilla Firefox instead.

Things are going well. I've spent a little too much money lately but everything I've bought has made me so happy! A new sweater, scarf (purple, my new favorite color), shirt, boots, bag..... My favorite is a Marc Jacobs gold bag I bought on Ebay. Yes it was gently used and I don't care. It was a bag I always wanted that is no longer available and I still got it for less than 50% of its original retail value. I took it to a handbag repair place and they cleaned the lining and touched up the corners and now it looks brand new.

I went to a wedding a month ago as well. It was my friend Jorge and Michelle's wedding. It was really beautiful and it was great seeing my old college friends. We had an unfortunate incident with some ostriches but we were able to walk away unscathed. Basically they looked at me like they wanted to eat me and they stole my feeding pail out of my hand. I'm never getting near ostriches again. Other than that, it was a beautiful ceremony. That's 2 down now! Adri and Jorge. Actually it's 4, if I include Iris and Karyna. Everyone's started to marry off.......

My friend Adri is pregnant and I am so happy for her. She's gonna be a mama! I think maybe I'll get her lots of little baby socks one day. Or a diaper cake like on Sex In The City.

So for Halloween Clay dressed up as crazy Britney Spears (complete with half shaven wig) and I was preggers Lynne Spears (complete with prego belly and blond wig). We went to one of my co-worker's party where yes I had a lot of fun and yes I had too much to drink. Still lots of fun.

Work is going well too. The Holiday Season is coming up! It's an exciting time in retail. It's been a little slow so I'm hoping people will start shopping again soon.

So it was Clay's birthday yesterday. I got last weekend off and his friend Dustin and his girlfriend Diana came down from Fresno. On Saturday Diego came over to Clay's for a carne asada and he, Clay, Dustin, and I went to the USC vs. Cal game (Diana came the following day). Of course USC won so we enjoyed the game. The next day we went to Roscoe's for lunch and Korean BBQ for dinner. Now I just want to say that the last several Sundays I've made Clay take me to either Roscoe's for fried chicken and waffles or La Taquiza for tacos. For those who've never had Roscoe's, you don't know the joy! Anyways, it was a nice little weekend with his friends. Yesterday I gave him USC Alumni license plates and dinner at Arnie Morton's Steakhouse. It was delicious. We had a day of running errands and then walked to the restaurant for dinner. It was just so normal. I hope he enjoyed his day.

So yes Obama will be our new prez! I have to admit, I got emotional when it was announced. I didn't think I would but the tears just kinda welled up. I was a history major so I think it affected me in that historical significance sense. The image of Colin Powell looking like he's ready to sob was also striking. It was great, just great.

Anyways, so yes that's what's been going on. Lots of newness. New chemo, new cat, new bag, new shoes, new clothes, new energy.

The only thing that will suck about moving in with Clay is that I have so many address labels with my current address. I would have to throw them all away. These are my charity address labels too. I would have to start all over again. And I saved the nice ones too.

I forgot to mention, British MOPP doesn't make my hair fall out! So it's growing in all lush and curly. Way too curly. The best thing that's happened is that I feel normal again. Well, as normal as I'm going to get that is.

I Miss Pizza Bagels

Ever since I left college, I've never found a place where they make pizza bagels like they did at Collegetown Bagels. I really miss them! They were so delicious.......

So I never mentioned this before but 3 months ago I had a stent put in (long painful story) and today it was taken out. I thought it would be replaced but apparently I don't need it anymore. Bye bye little stent! Considering the surgery was only 1 hour, we were at the hospital for 6 hours. Crazy huh?

Tomorrow I return for a blood transfusion. I needed it last Thursday but I rebelled and made the appointment for tomorrow instead. This is the problem, granted I know it's my health we're talking about here but I'm trying so hard to balance my health and work. I've already missed so many days of work because I get sick easily. Every month I call out for one thing or another. So the things that I can do on my days off, I do. Now, I had been feeling tired but my red blood count was just under the transfusion level so I figured I'd be ok for a few more days until my next day off (otherwise I would have had to call out again). Of course the nurses (who make a big deal out of everything) told me I might faint but of course I never did, I just felt super tired but it was manageable. Anyways, so tomorrow I'm getting another stranger's blood again and hopefully it's from some young nerdy college student who never drinks and is still a virgin so I'll be getting some pristine blood.

Well, today I'm taking my laptop to a repair shop to see if it can be fixed. Of course the 3 places I called lectured me about not bringing it in earlier. Again, should have known better. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon and it won't cost me more than the laptop did. Well, it won't cost my brother that is.

I feel like I missed out on summer. I was sick almost the whole time and then working too much to enjoy it. Well it was too hot outside anyways, and way too air conditioned indoors everywhere else. I couldn't win.

My favorite part of the summer ending soon? Fall fashion season!!! Yup, beautiful new boots have started hitting the stores. Ahhhhh, how wonderful!

Thank God August Is Almost Over!

So I've been hiding even more than usual lately. First of all, since July through now I've been working 10 hour days, not including the 2 hours total daily commute. I wake up about 7:30 am and usually don't get home till almost 9pm. 2 hours later I need to be going to sleep if I don't want to feel like shit the next day. The summer months are tourist season so they are the busiest which means we stay open later and it doesn't help that we're understaffed as well.

And then of course I had like a 3 week long cold that is finally starting to go away but gave me hell the first 2 weeks. Mind you, I gave it to Clay and he got over it within 4 days and a co-worker who got over it in a week. Damn my weak immune system! So I'm just starting to feel normal again. Starting September 1st we go back to our regular hours finally. It's not that much of a difference but I'd rather get out at 6:30pm than 8pm.

My friend Jorge is getting married in about a month and I still haven't booked a hotel or purchased a gift. I'll need to get on that soon.

For Christmas (of last year) Clay gave me a gift certificate for a day at the spa that I never used until today. It was heaven. I got a massage, back scrub, facial, and a paraffin hand and foot treatment. It took about 4 hours for everything. It was just what I needed. I've been stressing about work too much and this was a great way to relax. Afterward I bought my family Shakey's (one of my favorite pizza places mostly because we used to go there often as kids) and it felt like a good day. I might try to make a massage and facial a monthly routine, depending on my finances.

Last week we took my brother Diego Back to School shopping and I have to say, another great day. So we go to this place called the Warehouse Shoe Sale to buy his shoes (a chain where they sell casual shoes, mostly sneakers of different brands) and they had this contest going on where they gave you a scratcher if you bought anything and you could win a gift card or cash. I'm paying for 3 pairs of shoes when they give me the scratcher and I hand it to Diego because I never win anything so I can't be bothered to scratch it. Turns out it was a winning ticket and we win a $100 gift card. And the employees all clap, they ring a bell, it's a big to do. My mom, Diego, and I all talk about the different circumstances that lead us to the register at the right time to be given a winning ticket. We had talked about going to another store, I insisted Diego get another pair of shoes (timing), and then the employee gave us the last ticket instead of the one on top of the stack. So my mom grabbed a pair of sneakers for herself and we walked out happily having spent less than $100 for 4 pairs of shoes.

Then we went to Target to buy more school stuff and afterwards I took them both out to Red Lobster, which I like and they'd never been to. It was a great way to end the day.

It feels good to do things with and for your family. My mom sometimes tries to thank me too much and she doesn't realize the pleasure it gives me to do everyday things with her and them and do things for them that they wouldn't have done themselves. Even if it's something as simple as bringing pizza home.

In September I'm going to work less hours a day but I'll work more days in a row. Since I work retail, I'm not used to working 5 days straight since I don't get weekends off usually. But because of the days I need off for doctor's appointments and Jorge's wedding, I'll be working quite a few days back to back before I get a day off. My store director said I could come in later on any given day if I needed the extra rest and I think I may actually take her up on the offer at some point.

So I have bad news. One of my brothers spilled orange juice on my laptop and now it's not working. I feel really bad and I don't know what to do. He's offered to fix it (through a friend of a friend) but it's been 2 weeks now and he hasn't done anything and I don't know where to take it. Where does one take laptops that have had something spilt on them? I hate that I have to charge him for it but I don't feel like covering the cost for damage I didn't do. Thankfully he's offered to pay for the repair but I still hate that this happened. It wasn't an expensive laptop but it's the one Clay gave me when I was in City of Hope during my first transplant so that I would have something to do when no one was there. He's also not very happy about the situation. It just makes me feel like I lent someone something special to me and they messed it up and I feel partially responsible because maybe I shouldn't have lent it out. This week is the deadline I gave my brother to try to fix it before I started my own research, which I should have really done already. God I hope it's something that can be fixed, and hopefully quickly.

My next treat to myself is to go shopping. I need new jeans more than anything. It's disheartening when nothing in your closet fits because you've lost too much weight and everything just hangs. I want to get jeans that fit and that I'll feel good in.

I need to get out of the rut I'm in. I used to care about clothes and looking nice. Lately I've just been wearing pajamas because all I want to do is hang out in bed. I need to get up, go shopping, go to the spa, go to the movies, have coffee with friends, do things with my boyfriend. Now if only I'd stop getting sick, maybe I can make some of those things happen.....

More bad news, my hair is starting to fall out again. Hair loss was a side effect of the pills I'm currently on but it took 3 months before it started to kick in. I was hoping it was a side effect I wouldn't get but unfortunately, that wasn't to be. It's gradual but I already notice the difference. I'm hoping it won't get to the point where I need to wear a wig to work but I think it will, unless I switch medication to something that doesn't cause hair loss but just about everything does. We'll see what happens.

Well, time to go to bed............

What A Week

So I won't get into the details of all that has happened last month. Let's just say I was sick often. It sucks that being sick, of one thing or another, has become somewhat normal at this point. But I try really hard to get better as soon as possible so that I can continue with the routines I'm comfortable with.

So I'm happy to say that my journey to financial stability is going well. This month I will have paid off 3 credit cards and that makes me really, 3 less bills to pay :) I have to say, what I love about my job is how it's made money not be an issue in my life. I don't really spend money like I used to so it's become easy to just pay off some of my debt and help my family too. Yes people, I party no more. I don't even drink anymore, that's right, no more drinking. I take daily chemotherapy pills so I've cut alcohol out as a result. I thought I would miss going to the occasional bar but it's not that bad. I've adjusted to life without the nightlife.

It's strange, last year I was getting ready for my first transplant. It was a scary time. I didn't know what to expect. I don't know if now is any different. I'm no longer scared, but I just don't know what to expect. So I just continue with my routines and try not to think too far into the future.

Work was hectic this week. The president of our company came to visit so we worked longer hours than usual, including a half day on one of our days off. Last month I didn't do so well but I've shrugged off last month's negative energy. This is a new month and it will be different. I WILL do better this month (i.e. have higher sales).

Clay will be away this week. He is spending a week in Alaska with his dad. He's doing a lot of cool things but the one thing I'm most jealous of is that he is going dog sledding, which sounds awesome. Alaska is one of those places that I may not ever want to plan on going but will always think is a cool place to go.

Tomorrow is my day off and I can't wait to sleep in. Heaven.

My friend Jorge is getting married in September and I've been too lazy to start planning where Clay and I will stay for the weekend. I need to get up on it soon.

I'll try to write again soon, I'm a little tired now and boy is it hot in my room. Time for some air conditioning.....

One Month Later

I didn't realize it had been this long since I'd last written.

So my mom and I went to Las Vegas and it was a lot of fun. We definitely walked around a lot. It's funny because usually by midnight I was dead tired and my mom still wanted another margarita. It was definitely good times. On Friday night we did get to see Phantom of the Opera, which I loved, and Saturday night we saw Mystere. I introduced her to the joys of the quarter Wheel Of Fortune slots. It was fun. I'm really glad we went. I feel like I'd like to make it a tradition, every year for her birthday we go somewhere she's never been. Anyways, when I stop being lazy I'll post the pictures from our trip.

So a couple weeks ago I started having breathing problems. It was mild but I noticed that sometimes I'd get out of breath fairly easily. It sort of went away after a few days but my doctor prescribed an inhaler just in case. Well 2 weeks ago, I started having breathing problems again. The thing is, the beginning of April I'd had a CT scan and it showed everything was stable, not any better but not any worse. A week later I was having so much trouble breathing (the inhaler was only mildly helping) that I called out of work and went to the hospital instead. Well that same day I had another CT scan and it showed that I had a lot of inflammation in my lungs so I ended up just being admitted into the hospital. That was last week Wednesday.

I was put on oxygen as soon as I was admitted because my oxygen levels were so low. The next day, Thursday, I had a bronchoscopy but my breathing was so bad I was moved into ICU so that they could monitor me more closely. So I spent the weekend in ICU and on Sunday was moved to DCU (Definitive Care Unit), which apparently is when you're well enough to leave ICU but not well enough to move to the regular floors. Finally yesterday I moved out of DCU and went into the regular rooms and today I was discharged and finally got to go home.

During this entire time they're trying to figure out what is wrong but all the tests come back negative so they don't really give me anything that makes me feel better other than an oxygen mask. So I kind of had to just suffer through it and slowly get better on my own. Ultimately I left the hospital today with no definite diagnosis of what could have caused my breathing troubles. They have 3 different theories. 1) It was an atypical infection, maybe a virus, and because I have a weak immune system, I had an acute reaction to it. 2) It is a reaction to the chemotherapy. 3) The Hodgkin's may have invaded my lungs. Now, the problems with the last one is that I had 2 CT scans a week apart and the first was clear but the 2nd immediately showed the problems in my lungs. It seems highly unlikely that Hodgkin's would have spread that quickly in a week's time. That and I slowly started getting better on my own, if it was Hodgkin's, I wouldn't have gotten better. That leaves just 1 and 2. And they don't know which one it might be. Personally, I think it was an infection just because I also had fevers that eventually went away. But apparently the fevers don't prove anything.

At one point, they suggested I have a lung biopsy and at first I was for it but once I realized the risks that were involved and the 2 weeks of recovery that would be needed, I decided against it. The problem with the biopsy is that it could have revealed what I had, but it could also have come up negative and we'd be back where we started. Basically all the tests were proving what it was not, but never what it was.

I have to say, it was pretty bad in the beginning. I literally could not breath. My breathing was ragged and even speaking left me struggling for air. Emotionally, it was also very hard. It was hard to end up in the hospital again after a period in which I felt like things had fallen into place and I had settled into a routine. I hated that it reminded me that my health was not secure and stable. That an infection could lay me out like this. The fact that I had trouble breathing did not help, I kept feeling like I was suffocating. It was really awful, more so emotionally than physically. Usually I'm pretty good about staying positive but this really brought me down. Only because I felt like my dreams were crashing around me. At the time, the doctors were more pessimistic and made it seem like I would be in the hospital much longer than I actually was. So I just felt like, here I was feeling like I could do this, I could live with cancer and still be fairly normal. But this incident reminded me that living with cancer would still involve the occasional bump in the road.

I'm just glad I'm feeling better. I'm still not completely fine but I no longer need the oxygen and it's not painful to take a deep breath anymore. Too much exertion still leaves me a little winded though. I've gotten better because all I did was lay in bed and not move. Moving makes my oxygen levels drop somewhat. But I need to move, my lungs need to get used to the activity. Hopefully in the next couple of days I'll be able to get moving a little bit without getting too much out of breath.

Today was the annual Bone Marrow Transplant survivors reunion at City of Hope. I had wanted to go but obviously couldn't. I regret that I missed it because I did want to see people who'd had a transplant and see how they were doing months and years past it. Guess I'll go next year.....

It feels good to be home. It feels good to be able to breath.

By the way, I got my driving permit 3 weeks ago. I know, I know, finally. I've had it before, I just never actually take the actual driving test to get my license. Clay says he'll help me practice in his car, which is a Volvo. It's a little scary because it's so wide. But I'm excited! And scared all at once. God I wish LA was like NYC, then this wouldn't be an issue.

It's been an emotional roller coaster. I can't wait to go back to work. I don't know yet what this health episode will mean for my current cancer treatment. My doctor and I discussed stopping chemotherapy (in case it was chemo related) and trying a new experimental drug. I'm just hesitant because of the side effects. But then again, everything has it's side effects. We'll see, we'll have to decide next next.

Again, my mom was..... simply wonderful. Her constant presence made me feel not as lonely. It was a great great comfort. When I was alone, it was too easy to sink into the darkness. It made me feel good knowing that she was by my side, even just watching TV.

So my fish is still alive! I know, I announce this at every post like it's unusual that my fish should survive my care.

My sister graduates from grad school in June so my family will be traveling to Seattle then. I wonder if it's just a bigger version of Ithaca? I'll be looking forward to the trip.

So yeah, that was my month. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad the weather is warming up. I think I'm going to start wearing my masks again. I wonder if I became lax in my care towards my health. I need to focus on being healthy again. Eating better. Wearing my mask. Resting more. I can't wait to go back to work.

Blog Sweet Blog

Oh it feels so good to write again! Work, Clay, and sleeping take up so much of my time now.

So my mom's birthday is this Saturday and she and I are going to Las Vegas for her birthday. Clay had to work and Diego has a Latin convention he's going to. So it's just us girls, lol. We're staying at Excalibur and watching Cirque du Soleil's Mystere on Saturday night. I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to it. We leave tomorrow at like 12 and we get in at about 1pm. We're flying out since it really was the simplest option. We come back at like 12:30pm on Sunday. I'm so glad it's finally here! I'd also like to catch the Phantom of the Opera Spectacular on Friday night but I don't know if that's too much. I've seen the Broadway show in NYC but I'm not sure my mom will like it. Anyways, I can't wait to take her around and look at all the casinos. She always says that she likes to travel but she never gets a chance to go anywhere. I just want to thank her for all her love, support, and sacrifice this past year. At least for a weekend, I want it to be just about her.

So I've been really boring and I really don't do anything but go to work, spend a few precious hours with Clay, sleep, and go to the hospital once a week either for chemo or dressing changes for my PICC line. I think Clay and I have been out to dinner maybe 4 times since mid-January. But he's been working alot of overtime over the past month and my work and commute take up almost 12 hours of my day. By the time I get to Clay's or home, I'm ready to just go to bed. I'd gotten used to all my free time! But like I've said before, it feels good to work.

I feel like my future has opened up with so many possibilities. It just feels good to think about making plans, short and long term. It's weird when I think about my life because it's become split in 2, pre Hodgkin's and post Hodgkin's. My pre Hodgkin's life feels like it was forever ago. Things are so different now. I look different, I act differently, I have a new job, new goals....... I even dress differently. It's better now, much better. But it's different.

I have a fish but I want another pet. Ideally I'd like a cat. Did I mention my last cat died? I don't know if I did. It was under very mysterious circumstances. She'd gotten into a bad habit of sneaking out of the house for days and one day my brother Eduardo found her dead in the front yard. It was very strange and I have no idea what happened to her. Maybe I shouldn't get another pet. Apparently I'm not a very good caretaker. Things changed when I couldn't keep her in my room anymore. When I think of her, I really miss her and I am saddened that something happened to her because I couldn't take care of her anymore. My mom is not to happy about the idea of me getting another cat. I understand her concern, she worries that my immune system is not strong enough to handle the pet hair and clean up. I understand clearly, but I still want another pet. I wonder if I just get one of those self cleaning litter boxes then I wouldn't handle the cat's business and therefore, would be able to have one. It's something I'll have to ask the doctor too, he might not be too crazy about the idea either. My fish just might have to be enough for now.

So that's what's been up lately. I've gone to church twice with my mom these past 2 Sundays and that was great too, spending time with her doing what she likes to do. Clay and I are trying to plan our future together and it makes me happy to think that he will always be in my life. It's a good feeling to have, to know that you love and are loved.

Life is good.

Good News

I know, I've been gone awhile. I've just been really busy with work.

Anyways, I'm writing because I want to share some good news. I received the results of my last CT scan in February and they are........ great! There was a decrease in size in all my affected lymph nodes so the new chemo is working well so far. I'll continue with this chemo until my results plateau. It was great news and I was extremely happy with it. So we'll see how it goes!

So my mom's birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I want to do something really special for her. I either take her to Ensenada or Las Vegas for the weekend. I'm still going back and forth on it but I need to decide soon to book the hotel reservations wherever we decide to go. My mom, Clay, Diego, and I are all going and all of us seem to be indecisive on the destination. Either way, we're going somewhere!

I'd write more but I'll have to save that for hopefully sooner than later.

Welcome Home Mami!

My mom is coming home tonight! It'll be so good to have her home.

So I went back to work this last Monday. This week I only worked part-time but next week I'll work a couple more hours. I'm really glad I went back to work. It's really helped me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had gotten stuck in a mind set where I felt like a sick person who was not recovering. I was scared of doing the things I had to do once I went back to work. And they were simple things like being around people, walking, being on my feet instead of in bed all day....... pretty much just being active. I'd stopped being active for several several months. But going back to work made me more active. And it made me see that I would be ok being more active. So that has made me really happy.

The eating is getting better. Unfortunately I've lost more weight but since returning to work I've been eating more so I hope I'll see a difference in a few weeks. My hair continues to grow and I've gotten lots of compliments. I don't care why I'm getting them but it's definitely nice.

I like to think that I've become a more financially responsible person and I hope to continue that this year. I spent too much money during Christmas but I'm finally putting money in my savings again.

Chemotherapy is going well. The first time was definitely a little scary. The second time I slept the entire time. The third time I did get sick afterwards but by the evening of the following day I felt normal again. This week I had a break which was wonderful. I only had to go to the hospital to get a dressing change for my PICC line. The doctor told me that after this 4th time I'll get a CT scan and then maybe another 2 sessions and then see what the results of the scan are.

So I went to the San Diego Zoo last weekend and had a lot of fun. I loved seeing the hippos, the panda, and a monkey family sitting next to a giant orangutan. The monkey family was probably the cutest by far. I had a little mishap where I threw up while we were in line to get on this Skyfari thing but other than that the day was great. Clay, Diego, and I went. Afterwards we went to the Stinking Rose for dinner (and had the most delicious calamari and crab legs) and then to the movies to watch Juno, which I loved. Definitely a great weekend before going back to work.

So my mom had these 3 parakeets that we forgot to feed while she was gone and they died. I didn't want her to come home to find out her birds had died so today Clay, Diego, and I went on the hunt for replacement parakeets. We had taken pictures of the dead ones to get the colors right but we forgot to look at the sex of the birds (which you can apparently determine by the color of their nose) so we ended up just buying 3 birds that looked like her last ones but that might not be the same sexes. I hoped she wouldn't notice and was just gonna play dumb if she asked too many questions but I realize now that she might actually really notice that they're not the same birds. But I figured new birds is better than no birds so I hope she feels the same way and is not too upset when she discovers the truth.

I mentioned before that Jada, our other pitbull, had 8 puppies in December. Well here's the update. Four died and one was stolen (we think) in the middle of the night so now there are only 3 left but they are healthy and have finally opened their eyes. We used to keep them on the side of the house but after one turned up missing, we brought them inside the house. They still sleep all the time but pretty soon they'll be cute playful puppies.

So the craziest thing happened on my first day of work. When I lived in Ithaca and worked as an Estee Lauder beauty advisor at The Bon-Ton, there used to be this girl who was a Cornell student that came in regularly to buy Estee Lauder products from me. I never interacted with her at school, only at my job then. Well, sometime the summer of 2006 I was working at Bloomingdale's and she comes into the store and remembers me. It was so crazy. She gave me her email and phone number and I promised to get in contact. However, a month later I received my diagnosis and I never contacted her. I had actually really wanted to call her but never did because I just thought it would be weird calling someone I had just met again and then telling them something that was at the time very personal and heavy to deal with. I just didn't want to be that girl that you thought would call you for drinks and then calls to tell you she has cancer. So I never called her and I felt guilty about it because she had seemed really nice and sincere. So flash forward almost a year and a half later and who do I see my first day back? That same girl! It was so unbelievable. I actually ended up telling her what happened and why I never called. She was, again, so nice and sweet and told me again that she would love to hear from me whenever I wanted someone to have coffee with. I don't know, this was a crazy coincidence for me so I thought it was cool. Like twice when I was in college, I was in New York City and ran into people from Cornell randomly on the street. This was like that. I thought it was cool.

Anyways, so that's pretty much all that has happened since my last post. I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. I'm so so lucky to have so many good people in my life. I can only hope to offer the same kind of support and love in return.

Don't Know Why I Bothered To Write

I miss my mom.

I feel lonely sometimes. I think going back to work will help.

I've been having pain in the joints of my fingers and toes. I have a feeling it's the chemotherapy.

I'm just sad.

I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe. We'll see.

Sad News

I've been thinking of a million ways to begin this sentence and I realized I'm just going to say it. My maternal grandmother died yesterday. The news was devastating but we should have been expecting it. She had been really sick and had only gotten slightly better. The news hasn't really hit me personally yet because my main concern has been my mom. It's like one of those moments, how can you ever really understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through it yourself? I can't even begin to comprehend my mother's grief and pain. We were able to get her on a flight last night to Nicaragua so she could go home for the funeral. I wanted to go with her but I couldn't. I am sad mostly because it breaks my heart to see my mother, my mother who has always seemed so strong, be torn by grief and sorrow. How can I console her? What can I do for her? I did what I know she would have done in the same situation: I bought velas. I didn't know what saints to buy so I just bought a bunch of them and lit them. I don't pray but last night I prayed for my mom. I prayed to God and the Virgencita to give her strength, support, and comfort. I just feel so helpless. How do you comfort someone who has suffered a great loss?

I have to say, my boyfriend Clay was so helpful last night, I can't thank him enough. It was one of those moments where he helped me remain calm in a situation where I had to be the strong one, even though I just wanted to cry too. He was the one who took us to the airport and kind of helped us get help quickly. He helped the person who means the universe to me and for that I just love him more and more. All this year he's just always been there, understanding, supporting, calming, soothing, and loving. I'm lucky to have him, lucky that he loves me. I can only hope that I can do for him what he has done for me, which is make me happy and make me feel secure and hopeful of the future.

2008 Whoo!

So I finally have my PICC line and it's not that bad actually. And unlike my Hickman catheter, I don't have to do any maintenance work, I go to the hospital once a week and the nurses change my dressing and flush the catheters for me. It is also convenient because I do it the same day as my chemo so I'm already there. The chemo this time around really is so much more tolerable. I don't get nauseous at all. I've gone in twice so far and I'm usually done after 3 hours. More than anything, it's my own nervousness that gets to me. The first session, just looking at the saline IV bags made me want to throw up so I know my problem right now is all psychological.

The Rosebowl was amazing. It was just a total day experience. We all woke up early, Clay came to pick us up at my house at about 9am and we went to downtown LA where we took the Metro to Pasadena to avoid having to deal with the hassle of traffic or parking. There was a shuttle that would take people from the Metro station to the stadium but it was like 3 blocks long so we decided to walk there instead. It was like the neverending walk. Seriously, we walked for like an hour and there were tons of us making the trek. The funniest thing, this little kid who looked like he was 7 was out selling bottles of water by himself. He was filling the ice buckets with bottles of water and he had a wad of cash in his little hand. It was cute and disturbing all at the same time. I was like, he is so cute but where the hell are his parents?? Once we finally got to the stadium we went to a tailgate set up by my sister's best friend's family. It was pretty sweet. They had a tent, a barbeque, a HDTV. It was pretty cool. So we sat there, drank beer and ate hamburgers until the beginning of the first quarter. I have pictures that I'll try to post later. It was just cool, jets flew overhead and we had great seats. The game was amazing and really it was just so cool, everything. It was fun fun times. And the next day even my hands were sore from all my clapping and cheering. It was worth it.

So I've decided to become a football fan. Yes, me Maria Morales is now officially a Washington Redskins fan. Now, I would like to point out that my boyfriend is a Redskins fan and we've been watching the games together so it was inevitable. Too bad they're out of the playoffs though. Oh well, next year, next year. :)