Just Don't Yell At Me

So I had a very spirited discussion with my sister's boyfriend over how to deal with anger or an argument.

My Argument:

I think that when people get angry, they become irrational, illogical, and they almost always say things that they don't mean. And this includes me. So when I start fighting with someone, I almost always don't want to talk about it or resolve it right then and there because I know I'm angry and I'm not going to listen. I prefer to take time off to cool down so that I can figure out what my real feelings are about the situation. I don't want to discuss things when I know I'm being irrational. Worse, I hate it when I yell or am being yelled at. That's probably the worst thing I hate. So when someone starts yelling at me or I realize that we are both yelling at each other, I immediately just want to walk away to cool down. How are we resolving things by yelling at each other? So I'm a big believer in each person needing their space to think about things rationally. My problem is that sometimes it takes me a day or two to cool down. So I realize how this might piss the other person off. But in the same respect, I'm not going to sit there thinking that the argument is going nowhere.

I am like this because I remember when I was younger and I used to have these big fights for hours with my exes that didn't go anywhere. In almost all my past relationships I used to yell and I was irrational and arguments would go on for hours. I think it's a waste of time trying to talk when you're furious. And I don't want to be THAT couple that's always fighting in public or yelling and cursing at each other.

His Argument:

Problems need to be resolved immediately. If you are angry and you are the person who has been wronged, you should be able to yell at the other person for wronging you. You should not have to swallow your anger, you should be able to express it to the other person. If the other person doesn't want to resolve it immediately, then they obviously don't care. Why would you let the person you love spend an entire day being miserable and angry instead of talking (or yelling) things out?

He comes from a family where you don't go to sleep angry and arguments are resolved right away. He says that emotions, even anger, should be allowed to be expressed. He doesn't think it is healthy to swallow your anger.

So you can see, two very different points of view. About an hour later, neither of us had budged from our corners. We wouldn't even concede small points. Then I told Clay and he pretty much said we were both stupid, lol.

Clay's 2 cents:

People focus too much on the anger and not enough on the emotions that created the anger. We become angry because we have been hurt. So instead of saying, "You did something that pissed me off," which focuses on the anger, it's more accurate to say, "You did something that hurt my feelings and that's why I'm pissed off," which focuses on the emotions, which is really the root of the problem. Having your feelings hurt is what causes you to be angry. He agreed that yelling and trying to talk when you're pissed off is counterproductive. But that taking a day or two to cool down was being selfish. He said that yes people should take a step back to cool off but that that step should be no longer than 30 minutes. He agreed that problems should be resolved at least the same day.

But you know, things can be circumstantial so my point is that what if you feel that you have been greatly wronged, can you really get over it in one day? Or if it's something insignificant, do I really deserve to be yelled at? Tito (my sister's boyfriend) brought up the point that if you are the one who did the wronging, you should expect to get yelled at and that really you should be putting in more of an effort to resolve the issue since it is your fault. I don't know how I feel about this. Even when I've been wronged, I still don't want to yell at you, I still want to take a step back to get over my anger to think about what happened, and to rationally figure out how I really feel about it. And I'd prefer to do it away from you so just give me my space. If I've done the wronging, granted I realize I'm in the doghouse but I guess I assume that you're angry so I give you your space (that's what I would want) until I think you've calmed down and want to talk to me. Tito said that this was a cop out, selfish, and me trying to work only on my time schedule (in both instances). But what would be accomplished with you yelling at me, or me yelling at you, for hours?

Although Clay agreed that yelling doesn't produce any positive results but he did agree that ignoring someone for a day or more was being selfish. He also is quick to point out that in the majority of arguments, there is no such thing as one person being right and the other wrong. He thinks that both parties should be open to examining what they did wrong. I feel like this is a great way to avoid the blame game but it's hard, especially when you think you're right. It's hard to admit to yourself that maybe you've done something to cause the other person to do what they did, or react the way they have.

I think sometimes I have a problem admitting when I'm wrong, mostly because sometimes I can't get past my own viewpoint to see how I've hurt someone else. So I think I'm right, but I'm really wrong. Or maybe not wrong, just unintentionally doing something that is hurting someone else. I feel like that's an important detail, whether you do something intentionally or unintentionally and I guess I want to be given some credit when it's unintentional. But that doesn't really matter when you're the one who's been hurt, intentionally or not. So really, I should just say I'm sorry and stop there. Just don't expect me to beg for forgiveness, unless I know I've done something REALLY bad.

It was quite an interesting conversation.

Yesterday I hung out with my friends Nicole and Patrick. Patrick is a visual merchandiser at the Bloomingdale's in Newport Beach so we met him for lunch. It was nice, except half the mall was closed because of a power outage caused by the heat. I bought a cool grey sweater jacket from Forever 21. Nicole totally showed me up and bought these really cool bronze Gucci peep toe pumps and matching Gucci purse. I was like, nice, I spend $30 and she spends $1,200. My jacket wouldn't even cover half of her tax, lol. It was still fun.

Today, Fatima and Tito took me to the hospital where I had an appointment for a MUGA scan. It takes pictures of my heart. Afterwards we went to the Grove so I could browse at Nordstrom while they waited with me until Clay got out of work. Clay and I then went and had dinner together in Little Tokyo. Again, I had a really nice day. I'm trying to enjoy the little time I have left until I go back to the hospital.

Friday I have a PET scan. I'm nervous and excited. My last one was in June and it showed that my cancer had really not changed since I was diagnosed. I also have a CT scan on Monday so these 2 tests......... they have to be more positive than previous ones. They just have to. I almost wish I was more religious so that I could believe that just by praying alot the results would be great. I'll find out the results by next week.

Too bad I also don't believe all that botanica superstition, otherwise I'd be burning candles and powders and oils for good luck. Guess I'll just hope for the best.