Well, these last 2 days have been... somber somewhat. I mentioned my godbrother died of leukemia not too long ago. Well his family actually lives here in the LA area so my mom and I have been in touch with them. Sometimes I think about how unless you have cancer or have been a caregiver of someone with cancer, you'll never really understand what life for us is like. In that same respect, unless you've lost a sibling, no one can understand what that is like. I look at my siblings and I can't imagine not having one of them around. So I think of my madrina's kids, who really aren't kids anymore because they're 27, 24, and 19, and my heart goes out to them. I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling. So the best I can do is tell them that I am here if they need me and if they ever need to talk or vent, I'll be a good listener. We grew up together as kids, went to each other's family parties, and generally ran wild whenever we were all together. My mom once told me that when you lose someone, you never forget them but that with time, it gets easier to remember them. I've never lost someone extremely close to me, I wonder if that's true.
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Ok, I wrote the previous intro a few hours ago. Then I had to leave to visit my madrina and her family so I just came back. It was really really great seeing them. Like I said, we were all close as kids. As adults we never see each other anymore. The last time before today that we saw them was over a year ago. I hadn't been diagnosed with Hodgkins yet and their brother was walking around, laughing and joking. Things were very different.
Anyways, Clay blogs on My Space and weeks ago he wrote something that for some reason I totally clicked with. Not the events but the feeling. I told him I would steal his blog entry and post it on mine because I liked his so much so here it is, no punctuation and all:
I usually like to remain positive by attempting to put usually irrelevant twists on generally negative situations however recently this practice proved futile and I was forced to abandon. Last night the Association I am employed by conducted a regular Board Meeting which I luckily was allowed to attend for no additioinal pay while my assistant sitting next to me was racking up double overtime and all I could think about is the fact that I was recieving $0.00 for the 5 and 1/2 hours I was presenting well researched, diagrammed, analyzed and re-analyzed bullshit to a group of people incapable of making a decision between the five of them while the person nxt to me whose job it is to write down what I say and the incapable people say is making more money than I make while I work for my regular hours of 9-5 during the time when I am supposed to be working before 5 o'clock in the afternoon when I am supposed to get in my Volvo and cart myself thorugh an hour of traffic so I can have an egg sandwich and drink myself to sleep like any other self respecting American. Nonetheless after 5 and 1/2 half hours of listening to attornies yell at doctors with my head face down much like a poker game to hopefully not let anyone even consider that I might have an opinion it came time to discuss my raise which i had requested sometime in July however everyone was too tired so my General Manager promised me that it would be discussed and done in an Action Without a Meeting (which never happens) so I got in my champagne Volvo put on some talk radio ran a quick errand to drop something off for an employee who will be filing for disability whom I watched have a stint yanked from his penis earlier in the day by a tube and a video camera I hopped on the 90 freeway to get to the 405 and reminded myself that hey "at least when you leave work at 1 o'clock in the morning you don't have to sit in traffic" I put a smile on my face and accelerated to 110mph for a brief moment until the loom of red was at my forefront and I was forced to slam on my brakes and come to a complete stop at 1 o'clock in the morning for upwards of 45 minutes. During this time I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes, had several minor strokes, contemplated suicide on minutes 8, 24, 37, and 42, and hit the old stress relief button on the steering wheel about 6 or 7 times for a good 30 seconds to a minute to each time soliciting reply honks and strange looks but it helped sooth the soul somewhat. Nonetheless (strage word "none the less" why are you allowed to do that, Ican'tdoit in other situations or I am illiterate, I digress) I eventually made it home swapped the egg sandwich for ramen in the interest of time and drank myself to sleep thinking the somehwat disturbing thought that there was absolutely nothing positive about this night. I have never had this thought before and hopefully it won't happen again in the future. And now I am at work so instead of editing this Blog Masterpiece I think I will return to the regular bullshit and leave the spelling errors for you to pick out and comment on while you are at work or school or wherever you may be.
-twos [Clay]
I think I read it the day of my meltdown and it just clicked with me. I guess it's something about having a bad day and and realizing at the end of the night that the only way to fix it was to go to sleep.
My maternal grandmother is sick. She lives in Nicaragua and they think that she might have pnemonia. She's been to LA many times before and all my memories of her are happy and laughter-filled. I might have to become a prayer. So many people pray for me and it's touching. And when things like this happen I feel helpless. Is that why people pray during illness? Does it take away that feeling of helplessness because you're actually doing something? I'm not trying to offend prayers, I wish I was one of them. But my faith just isn't that committed yet. Too bad. I hope my grandmother is ok.
Finally done! This entry has been interrupted by too many phone calls, room visits, and visits to other people. I mean, all those interruptions were really important but still, it feels good to finally finish.... and it wasn't even that long!
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