Alright, So Maybe Today Wasn't So Bad

I can't wait until I'm told that, at least for the moment, I am Hodgkin's-free. Today I had my weekly check up and my doctor told me that I wouldn't have to come back for another two weeks, at which point he'll order a PET and CT scan. I just can't wait! I know this sounds crazy, but I've always trusted my cancer instinct. Every time I had a scan, although I talked about how positive I was, I never admitted that I didn't think the results would be good. I know people say, oh stay positive, think positive thoughts, mind over matter, if you don't really believe it, it won't happen. I wanted to believe that I would get better earlier. I prayed for the miracles, and I don't pray. But I would get this gut feeling that, no, things were not getting better. This is the first time that I've felt, yes maybe it's gone. Maybe I don't have to do this anymore. Maybe in a year things will be very different. The thing that hurts me is that, I wonder, what if I'm wrong? What if I'm just getting my hopes up for nothing? I'd just like to get good news for once, concrete good news, not just, you LOOK great, you have such a great attitude. Blah, blah, blah...........

Today I didn't feel so well. I just didn't eat alot, today or yesterday. I want to eat, but food still grosses me out. And if I just make myself eat something I don't really want to, it just comes back up. It's just depressing me. I'm trying, I wish my body would try harder.

I decided I've had enough. I've started petting my cat again. I tried with gloves but she wasn't having it. So I just put on a mask, scratch her, and then run to wash my arms thoroughly. I don't care. But I have a feeling my mom, my doctor, and Clay won't like it.

Well Clay's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. If he didn't read my blog I could talk about what I'm getting him. It's the 12th of November, a Monday. That weekend before, we're going up to San Francisco to watch the USC vs Cal game with his sister and his parents, who are flying out from Virginia. I was nervous at first but now I'm looking forward to it. It'll be nice to get out of LA for a few days.

So I've been bald since the beginning of July. I have a wig but I hate using it. When I had some hair, I didn't mind putting it on, but now that I'm bald, I hate wearing it. I guess it makes me feel as if I'm hiding something. I don't want to hide the fact that I have cancer. It's not something that embarrasses me or that I'm ashamed of. Not having hair is the least of my worries. I feel like this is how I am now. It's not how I'm always going to be, but it is what it is now. Wearing a wig will not make me feel better or fix anything. And this isn't me letting cancer define me. I have cancer and cancer treatment made my hair fall out. And that's it. I'm not going to hide it. Now, this isn't a critique of women who choose to wear the wigs and the hats and the scarves. This is why I don't, but if women want to wear wigs to help them feel better about their image, then they should be supported, I understand why. It's not like I haven't felt robbed of my femininity, my privacy, my "beauty." But you need to do what makes you feel best about yourself. For me, that's going bald.

Now, lol, after having said all this, my bald head is getting cold! So, I may have to purchase a hat or two, maybe even a scarf......... Strictly for heating purposes, I swear!!! Don't judge me!

So this evening my friend Erasto gave Diego and I a ride to Target so that we could look for Diego's costume for tomorrow. Since he's going to be in a mini play in his Religion class, he's dressing up as Jacob. As in Jacob from the Old Testament who has like 10 kids with 4 women (2 sisters and each respective sister's slave)..... that slut............ Anyways (Diego had me read the passage he was in and then I got caught up in the story), tell me how creative we had to get to make a male biblical costume. So, 2 bathrobes, the first one worn backward and tied with a piece of rope (we cut up one of those drawstring backpacks), then the second one over it like a coat (a la Joseph's technicolor dreamcoat), then a shawl over the top robe, and finally brown leather flip flops (borrowed from Erasto). I have to say, it looked pretty good.

So my dad did the candy shopping and he bought cheap nasty candy! I'm talking about 2 bags of cinnamon hard candy. He did buy 2 small bags of the type of candy you fill pinatas with (tootsie rolls, doctor's office lollipops, Dubble Bubble gum, Sweet Tarts, Smarties...... you get the picture) but it'll only be enough if only a few kids come. Or if I only give out 1 small piece per person. I hope I don't have a candy fiasco!!! I might have to go to the store and buy more........... Oh and he bought me a lavender witch's hat that was covered in silver fringe. Of course it's awful but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so guess what I'm wearing tomorrow??? I'll make sure I wear lavender eyeshadow to match...........