I'm In A Weird Mood

Today is a chilly gloomy overcast day. It's so weird. When I entered the hospital, it was first in mid August and then again in mid September. The days were still so hot and suffocating. Now that I'm home now, the change in weather just seems so sudden. I totally missed the dog day's of summer. Today I realized it was time to put away the shorts and take out the sweaters.

So today I found out that my grandma does have pneumonia but that she is doing well. However, they are keeping her in the hospital to make sure it doesn't get worse because it's been raining alot lately there. I think my mom wants to go visit her soon. I wish that I could go but it's impossible right now. We'll see how the next couple weeks go.

Uh oh, expect some grandma stories soon....... Just because I think she was the best grandma ever. Actually...... let's share some now.

My grandma (my mom's mom) lives in Nicaragua and has come to LA to visit several times over the years, usually when my mom was pregnant with one of my siblings. My earliest memories of her are when I was about 7 or 8 (when Sergio was born). She had tried to teach me the rosary at that age and I remember I would pray with her at night. But then in order to get us to go to bed early she would tell us that if we didn't go to sleep early, a monkey would come and steal us by putting us in his bag where he would take us to another city and sell us as slaves. Of course we believed her and rushed to go to sleep.

Then when I was about 12 or 13, she came again (for Diego's birth). This time she always made my favorite food, mini meat patties flavored with lemon served with rice. She used to go to church twice a day, early in the morning and then again in the afternoon at about 5pm. Because we never had anything to do, Eduardo, Fatima, Sergio, and I would usually go with her in the afternoons. They were always memorable experiences. We would walk to the church because it was like a 15-20 minute walk from our house. Now, my grandmother had a bad habit (that my mom has too, to our embarrassment) of stealing plants. From other people's houses, the metro station, the bank..... anywhere. Not the entire plant, just like a branch. But she would make us cover her and we would always get embarrassed and yell, "Abuelita!" She would just laugh and say, "Escondanme," hide me. By the time we got home, she would have 2 plastic bags full of plant parts. We still liked going, however, because we could run and play on our way there. And nobody goes to church at that time so we were usually the only ones there, except for maybe another old lady with a veil.

I liked that she was always cheery with us. Always laughing and playing, chasing us around the house with us yelling, "Abuelita!" And she would just giggle and keep doing it. She just made me laugh. And she was old school abuelita. Always wore dresses with a big cardigan and penny loafers with knee highs. And at night she slept in her silky slips.

The last time I saw her was I think my collage year freshman Christmas break. They didn't tell me she was in LA and when I got off the plane, I saw her at the airport and I was just so happy to see her I started to cry. That's what I miss about post 9/11 travel. Before, as soon as you got off the plane, people were right outside waiting for you. Now if people pick you up, they have to meet you in baggage claim instead. It's just not the same.

So that's a little bit about my grandma. I love her and I'm glad she was just the way she was because my memories of her are beautiful and happy. I hope she gets better soon.

Well, I was thinking about religion today. To be honest, one of my problems with religion is the way that people manipulate it. I feel like religion, let's take Catholicism because that's what I was raised with. Anyways, I feel like some Catholic doctrine does teach one how to be a better person. Ideas like community, charity, forgiveness, love instead of hate, these are great ideals for humanity. What I don't like is when religion is used to exclude, to condemn, to criticize, and to punish. Do this or you're going to hell. Do this or you deserve bad things to happen to you. I admire the people who aren't hypocritical and encourage others to help themselves and others. It's the people who say live this way or be punished, but they don't live that way. They don't practice forgiveness, or understanding, or love. They are the people who alienate others from religion.

My other problem with religion is blind faith. I feel like I'm that type of person who looks for proof. When things happen, I like to know why and how. I used to pray, I used to go to church, and I used to believe. But believing without ever hearing or seeing anything in response became hard. So now, it's not that I don't believe, but I also don't see any proof that shows me that I should. Anything could be true or not true. There is so much we don't know about life, existence, our beginnings, and the universe. How can we say with conviction that a certain spiritual view has to be true, without any way to prove it? In this world, there is good and bad. And it both happens to good and bad people equally. I see decent people experience hardships and then great things happen to the people who least deserve it. Why should I think that I will have a better life just because I believe in God or Jesus or Mary?

It's complicated, my relationship with religion. I don't think less of those who believe and strive to be good people. I respect people's faith. I have a harder time with the hypocrites and the people who blindly follow them. I'd like to have faith, but I just don't. So I follow the doctrine that I believe helps me be a better person. I'd like to help people selflessly just like people have helped me selflessly. When I have kids, I'll still want then in Catholic school, like I said, because I feel that overall, the pure teachings teach positive qualities. My kids can decide for themselves what they want to believe.

I think this has been on my mind so much because so many people tell me they're praying for me and that reminds me of how religion teaches positive values. I am touched by everyone's concerns and prayers. Thank you to all who are praying for my recovery. Then I guess I feel bad that I can't sincerely say, "I'll be praying for you." What can I do instead? I do care. But how can I show it? Sending food, giving money, and telling people I'm here for you just doesn't feel like it's enough. Sigh..... don't think this will be resolved soon............