Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

So for awhile there, all I was reading was US Weekly and People and all I did was watch TV and follow celebrity news. So I decided that I wanted to learn more about what is going on in the world. I think I've been pretty successful in becoming more aware of what is going on in politics, although I don't think I'd really discuss it alot just because I think there is still alot I don't know. But I'm happy that I'm making the effort.

Another thing, I love history and learning about the world. When I was in school I knew so much stuff but over the years, lack of use of that knowledge has caused me to forget it. So I've also started researching things I knew about once but forgot the details of. My recent searches have been about what caused WWI & WWII, Pinochet's rise to power in Chile, and biographies of Richard Wagner, Hitler, and Nietzsche (not his work, just his life). I just feel like there is so much to know. I like learning about........ everything really, lol. So my next searches: Nelson Mandela, the Cold War, Nicaraguan history, Francisco Franco, and Coco Chanel.

I've always been really into astronomy and I think that if it didn't require so much damn physics, chemistry, math........ so much damn science(!), I would have wanted to become an astronomer. There's just something about realizing that, what is one person in the enormity that is the universe, with it's stars, planets, solar systems, galaxies, black holes, quasars, etc. I mean I sit here and think about how I'm just watching TV while somewhere out there stars are dying, planets are forming, the universe is continuing to expand, and who knows what whatever other life forms are doing. It's just so beyond me.

Anyways, so today I'm reading this month's National Geographic (which also has a great article about memory) and there's an article about the Hubble Space Telescope and how much science has benefited from it. I tell my brother Diego about it and he's like, "I don't really care about that stuff. It's just not important in my life." This really surprised me and I realized that a lot of other people hold that same point of view and it just........... I don't understand why. He said that scientists who research that stuff just question life too much, they try to look for meanings about life too hard. His example was the idea of parallel universes. He was just like, "Who cares? How would knowing about that affect my life?" But we wouldn't even be here if everything in space didn't exist (like our planet!). I would still want to now about parallel universes if they did exist, even if it didn't affect my life.

But then I wondered about me. Actually, I do question the meaning of life. I wonder about the purpose of our existence, why we live, what is beyond our comprehension. Maybe I just don't want to think that it's all meaningless. Do we just live, have babies maybe, and then die? I want to think that there is something greater, not in the individual sense, but in the...... I don't even know how to phrase it. I want to know about the things that are greater than us, bigger than us. I guess I could only care about what happens in our planet and try to find the meaning of life there........... But there's something intriguing about the chaotic, straightforward, unprejudiced, even seemingly random activities of the universe.

Even if I'm a grain of sand on the beach, I'd still like to know that my beach is part of something bigger, like an ocean, or next to a city, or on the planet Earth. Clay's favorite South Park episode is one where someone gets lice and they show how the lice don't realize that they live on a human's head and that soon they'll all die because the kid's gonna wash his head with lice killing shampoo. He likes it because he's like me, what do we know about our existence? He's like, we could be lice on someone's head and not know it because it is beyond our comprehension. Now, of course I don't think we're literally lice on someone's head, but I mean, we can't claim to know, with certainty, where we stand in all of existence. (In my Valley girl voice) So yeah, I like to learn about space and stuff because I'm like awed by things way bigger than me.

But does that make me someone who questions too much? Who rejects the simple explanations because I'm looking for "deeper meaning?" I don't know, because I think that the people who don't ask questions, who don't want to look at the bigger picture, who don't take ideas and ponder them, who don't want to be open to that which is different from them.......... I think those people miss out on so much. They'll never understand the role they can play in the grand scheme of things.

I wonder if I'm speaking too broadly and generally. I just don't think I can make my argument more specific yet. I also didn't think I'd write so much about this, lol.

So, my mom is gone, of course I was sad when she left. But Clay, my dad, and my brothers have been really sweet in the way they've offered to help me if I need help. Clay took me to get the only craving I've had recently: a beef bowl from Yoshinoya, yum! Sergio made me lunch one day, Diego made me a cereal dinner (lol, that's what he had so it was kinda funny), Eduardo has offered to help with the cleaning, and my dad takes care of the dishes, lol. He also takes me to my doctor's appointments and he always offers to take me for a drive or a walk somewhere, but I still don't want to so I haven't. I know, I know, I need to get up and out. To tell you the truth, I think I just feel alienated from society now and just don't want to interact with the outside world. Pretty simple, but not healthy. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. However, I need to start going for walks and rides so maybe I'll start working on that too. Too bad I've said this before and it still hasn't happened.

So I updated my Netflix queue and I'm excited about my upcoming movies, Super Troopers and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Yes, I want to laugh, I always get serious movies. My recent music downloads? Keeping it old school (US) with old Ice Cube (Today Was a Good Day) and old school (en Espanol, lol) with Los Bukis. I know ya'll remember Tu Carcel! And if you've never heard it, you're missing out...........

By the way, I still love Grey's Anatomy and Brothers and Sisters (swear, even though we're completely different, reminds me of my family), really really like Pushing Daisies (I love Kristin Chenoweth!) and Big Shots, and am so so about Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money. I still really like Men In Trees but they moved it to Friday nights! Seriously, I can watch it because I'm always home on a Friday night but what if I had a life? That makes me wonder that maybe the ratings weren't that great but good enough to still keep it for now but still headed towards eventual cancellation. Now, for no apparent reason I never got into Ugly Betty. You think I would have considering how much I used to love my old novela with the same storyline. I never even had the desire to watch an episode. Of course, now that I've missed all the back episodes, I like the damn show! It's pretty funny, I don't know why it took me this long to jump on the bandwagon.

I realized that I'll probably never become addicted to novelas again. When I was in high school, I was a big novelera. Going away to college killed it though because Ithaca didn't have Univision. After a few months of having my mom tape the daily episodes of my favorite novela to mail to me, I realized I had to give it up, at least while I was in Ithaca. Now, the problem is that they run at the same time everyday Monday-Friday. This is problematic when you also have favorite shows on prime time English channels. When I was in the hospital, I started watching Destilando Amor because of my mom and because the new episodes and new shows on prime time TV hadn't started yet so I didn't care about not watching reruns. But once my new seasons started, Destilando Amor went out the window. I'll just never be able to fully keep up with it. Too bad, it looked pretty good.........