To Prove My Point

I'm happy to have a boyfriend who:

• Picks me up after chemo during his lunch break, even though he works on the other side of the city.
• Cooks for me when I'm sick and all I want to do is lay down and die.
• Keeps me supplied with Mango Gatorade.
• Holds me when I cry and soothes my soul when I feel down.
• Watches Grey's Anatomy with me even though he doesn't like it.
• Tells me I'm beautiful even though I have less hair and have gained almost 15lbs (which I wish people would stop saying is a good thing).
• Is saving the bottle of Dom Perignon for my last chemo treatment.
• Bought me Wicked tickets and doesn't care that I'd rather take my friend (he was relieved I wasn't making HIM go with me).
• I can watch Court TV with and we can talk about the cool techniques forensic scientists use to catch criminals.
• Likes expensive sunglasses as much as I do.
• Stays in and watches TV with me even though I know he would rather be at a bar getting crunk.
• Drinks alot....... and I like that!
• Wants us to be a team.
• Doesn't like it when we argue.
• Looks great in a suit.
• Calls me out on my bullshit (cancer or no cancer, you'd think he'd let me get away with it).
• Makes me laugh, even when I think it's inappropriate.
• Is just so outrageous sometimes........ but I love it.

What can I say, I can't sleep and I miss him right about now.

Looking Forward to Spring

I feel like I've had a million thoughts whirling in my head the last few days and now that I sit here to write, I can't think of anything to say. I guess I'll start with what brought this all on.

I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.

Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.

And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.

Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.

So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.

So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.

People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.

It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............

What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

2 more months!!! Only 4 more chemo treatments to go....

I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.

Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.

Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....

R.I.P. Fishy

The worst news ever... my beta fish died. See, what had happened was... a month ago I rescued this fish from an abusive environment. It's previous owner hadn't fed it or changed his water in like a month and for some reason it had one swollen eye, so I took it. I started feeding it, put it in a bigger tank, and was changing its water regularly. At first he wouldn't eat and barely moved but he slowly started coming around. I swear, 2 days before he died he was eating, swimming, and shaking his little fins at me when I would come close to the tank to coo at him. Two days later he's dead. I couldn't believe it. What had I done wrong? I tried to rescue him and he died in my care. It's so sad, I had really come to love the little guy. And I can't bring myself to get another fish because I wanted this one to live. And of course my ever tactful sister laughed her ass off when I told her. Poor fishy....

I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.

On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.

February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....

Holidays

It's been awhile since I've written. The holidays were just too much... a swirl of activity. My sister was home for 2 weeks and it was great seeing her. I can't wait until I can go visit her in Seattle.

I had chemo on my birthday (Dec. 13th) so that sucked but the next day my friend Erasto threw me a little dinner/barbecue so that was nice. The following week I had surgery to put in a port in my chest. It is suppose to make chemo treatment easier. It's hard to describe but I found this online:

"The port is about the size of a quarter, only thicker, and will show only as a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:

-No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm.

-The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.

-Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort. "

Port inserted in vein for chemotherapy

A Port
B Catheter [tubing]
C Subclavian vein
D Superior Vena cava
E Pulmonary vein
F Aorta
G Heart

They used the port on the 27th and it really was easier. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I do prefer it to nothing at all or the PICC line. Now I wish I'd had it since the beginning.

Christmas was fun. I played dominos with my brothers for hours. We opened our presents late Christmas Eve. I've realized that Latinos open their presents Xmas Eve but we all think it's just our family who does that. We all seem to do that. But how did that tradition start because it crosses country lines?

Anyways, I spent New Year's with my boyfriend and my sister at her boyfriend's sister's house, lol. It was alot of fun, listening to alot of Prince.

I saw Eragon and The Good Shepherd. I was really disappointed with Eragon. I expected something more along the lines of Lord of the Rings-good and it was bad. Bad acting, bad special effects, bad adaptation from the book. The Good Shepherd was great though, I loved it. I wonder sometimes, really, who controls the world's events? It's the type of movie that makes conspiracy theories seem not that outrageous and reminds me that most of us (almost all of us) live in a state of ignorant bliss.... or stupor. I also saw Dreamgirls which was great, the female Ray. Still on the list: Volver, The Holiday, and The Queen.

Among my favorite gifts: Grey's Anatomy Season 2, LOTS of movie money, a Sephora gift card, tickets to Wicked(!), Chanel sunglasses, perfumes, the chocolate phone from Verizon, sweats (I practically live in them nowadays), and a framed picture of flowers. Basically people listened well, lol.

This weekend I went to Ensenada, Mexico for Erasto's birthday and had such a great time. Clay took me to the best place to get ceviche and it was some of the best ceviche I'd ever had. Overall it's been a great month.

Back to chemo on Wed....

3 More Days

Christmas is coming up.... I really need to start thinking about what I'm getting people. No joke, the last 2 years I've ended up buying everything like 2 days before. I really don't want to do that this year. The hardest are 2 of my brothers; I always end up buying them a nice bottle of liquor. I think this year I'll just get them gift cards, I know it's lazy but at least this way they can get what they want. My sister is hard too. I think with her it's that I always want to get her something creative and meaningful and I never do. Too often it ends up being something from Sephora, which is nice but not very deep. My littlest brother always makes an Xmas list, which I love. I wish more people did this, I'm just not very good at buying gifts under pressure. Time to brave the big bad mall....

I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......

I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........

It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....

Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.

3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!

Nosy Teller Makes My Day

I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment. Yesterday I learned how to give myself a shot. I practiced on a fake arm for awhile before I did it myself. Why did it make me feel like I could be a nurse too? Like I could start working there tomorrow and give people shots all day. If anybody out there needs a shot, I know how to give 'em! I'm just saying, if there was ever like a world disaster, I'd be pretty valuable, what with all my shot-giving knowledge.... So yup, feeling pretty good about that right now....

Today I went to the mall and tortured myself by looking at all the things I can't buy. I wish I could just dress up everyday, there were just soooo many pretty shoes and dresses.... Anyways, there's a sales girl at French Connection that I like shopping with because she's figured out my taste and always ends up showing me something that I end up buying. Actually, maybe that's bad! Today I walked away with a black shirt and black turtleneck and have a beautiful gold/pink/black cropped jacket on hold that I'm picking up tomorrow. And as God is my witness, I am wearing it to something, anything, this year!

What I didn't walk away with (but wanted to): a burgandy D & G purse (way too much $$$, even on sale, dammit!), a big bottle of Lolita Lempicka (apparently being discontinued), brown Cole Haan boots (none in my size), black Miss Sixty boots (seriously, I own like 6 black boots, I don't need anymore), a purple and gold sequin dress (to wear where?), and Coldstone ice cream ($5 for a cup of ice cream! Had sushi instead). But I still had fun. The mall wasn't crowded, everyone was friendly, and I didn't spend too much money(big plus).

Tomorrow I might start a side job. I'm going to be calling people whose houses are in foreclosure and asking them if they're interested in selling them to the person who I'll be working for. It's kinda cool cuz I can do it at home and the person who's paying me has offered to teach me as much as I want to learn about what he does. From what I gather, he buys homes that are in foreclosure so that he can sell them again at a profit, I think. Well, I'll find out more tomorrow. Anyways, I was never really interested in real estate before but I figured since this opportunity came up, who knows, maybe I'll like it and even if I don't, it's not long term or permanent. Plus I might learn things that'll prove valuable once I start thinking about buying my own house. I'm looking forward to it actually, especially because it'll be a good way to supplement my income. Right now I get disability, which is enough to pay my bills, thank God.

So, here's what happened at the bank today:

I hand my disability check to the teller.

Teller: You work for the city?
Me: No.

He looks at me, looks at my check, looks at me again, then looks at my check closely.

Teller: Oh.... (Still looks confused.)
Me: Yeah, I just get disability.
Teller: Oh really? (Looks me up and down) You don't look...? What do you have?

I laugh and contemplate lying but decide on the truth.

Me: I have cancer.

His eyes pop open.

Me: I know I don't look like it.
Teller: Yeah you don't. Wow, that must suck. What kind of cancer?
Me: Hodgkins Lymphoma. And, well, yeah, it does suck.
Teller: So do you have to do all that chemo stuff?
Me: Yeah I do.
Teller: Wow, is it pretty bad? Does it really suck?
Me: (Laughing now) Well, not really.

He gives me a look like, yeah right.

Me: Well it's just that I've learned not to complain about it too much.
Teller: So... are you gonna be ok, I mean, are you gonna live?
Me: Yeah, I'll live.
Teller: Well good luck. You take care of yourself.
Me: Thanks, I will!
Teller: You have a nice day and thank you for banking with Washington Mutual!

Birthday Musings

My birthday is next week and I am and am not looking forward to it. It's the big 2-7! Dude, that means I'll be in my late 20s. So old and yet so young.... Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm as old as my age proves I am. Some of it has to do with the fact that I look younger than what I am (I get it all the time). But another part is also that, when I was younger, I had a vision of what I would be doing at this age; I thought that by 25 I'd be married and probably starting on having kids. It's not that I wish I was doing that now (I'm not ready) but it's that I thought that's what I would be doing. And for some reason, not doing that makes me feel younger somehow. It doesn't make sense in any logical frame of thought, but it's how it makes me feel. This, along with other factors, make me feel like less of an adult sometimes.... Sigh....

On another note, I'm not one of those women who doesn't look forward to growing older, I'm really happy about it. This is vain, but I feel like I'm looking better as I age! Lol, I know, totally vain.... Hopefully I'll still feel this way at 35. Even being really old can't be that bad. I totally want to be that old lady in the designer suit, Chanel sunglasses, big hair, and at Sunday brunch for margaritas (extra tequila please!) with my novias (i.e. fellow stylishly-attired old lady friends).

And my sister comes home from grad school on my birthday, which I am most ecstatic about. I've really missed her. When she left, listening to Mariah Carey's We Belong Together would make me just cry! Mind you, it's a total love song but for some reason I would always think of her when I heard it. I just love her so much and I'm really happy she'll be home for the holidays.

Really, I don't even care about presents. I like the cake (chocolate), the growing older, the sister coming home, las mananitas, the hugs and kisses.... I don't want presents; this is enough.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to: chemo. That's right, chemo on my birthday. Booooo..... Oh well....

Today I went to get my Neupogen shot. I was supposed to have gotten it yesterday too but the nurses couldn't find the order so I'd gone for nothing.... But today was a productive hospital day. Tomorrow I'm going to learn how to give myself the shots. I'm going to try really hard to get over the fear because it really is useful to know. And... I canceled the pick line! So my new nurse BFF, Diana, helped me to get my doctor to approve a port instead. It is surgically placed in the chest where it is not visible or hanging out anywhere. I can't even describe my relief; I really really... like REALLY, was not looking forward to the pick line. It won't be put in in time for my next chemo treatment but that's ok. I'll have a bump in my chest where it'll be put in but, hey man, it's better than having a tube hanging out....

My cancer, my cancer, my cancer, my cancer... my cancer and me!

I'm not going to lie, these last few days have sucked. I had chemo this last Wednesday and although uneventful (for once), it hit me nasty style the days after. Well, not that nasty, but nastier than usual. Sleep was my greatest ally.

The best news is that I had a PET scan done on Tuesday and... most of the cancer is gone! Yeah!!! To quote my doctor, "Before, you were lit up like a X-mas tree and now there's pretty much nothing. Just a few random spots." So, needless to say, I am ecstatic. However, I had hoped that that would mean less chemo but it doesn't seem likely. She said I would still need to do the 6 months we had originally discussed but my question is, if it's almost all gone after 2 months, why do I need to do another 4 months? It's like, I know that they just want to make sure they get it all, but I'm also concerned with the risks that accompany chemo. I know I should be happy with my results; it's great news. I guess I'm just being greedy, wishing that my chemo sentence had been lowered as well.

I decided I want to look at my medical records; I don't even know why I haven't done it yet. Like, I want to see the PET scans, the CT scans, radiologist reports, doctor's notes, etc. I remember reading someone's warning not to, how you may not like what you discover in terms of how bad your condition was/is. But I wonder how much I even know, or knew, about the true state of my "condition." Like, it's hard for me to believe I have cancer sometimes. I look at myself and I don't see a cancer patient, even though that's what I am, I guess. Maybe I just have a morbid hope that I'll learn I was worse off than what I thought I was. Maybe I need to think that I was sicker than what I thought to justify 6 months of chemo.

I don't know why I even complain. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because ultimately, I am lucky. Hodgkins is really treatable and curable. Too bad the treatment sucks. But it is good to know that I'll be fine, that I'm still going to live a normal life once this is done. I'll probably be all psycho paranoid about my health but that's ok. I try not to complain too much about this because I can't change it and it's too serious. I'll save my complaining for the trivial things, like the weather, traffic, being broke, having no direction in life... you know, that kind of stuff.

Anyways, two new things are happening this week. Tomorrow I'm going to try to learn how to give myself shots. On the weeks I don't have chemo I go to the hospital to get shots of a drug (Neupogen) that encourages my bone marrow to produce white blood cells. I have to admit that it's a waste of time to go to the hospital just to get one shot (but I go everyday for 3 days) so I have to learn so that I can teach someone else and they can give it to me at home. I just know I can't bear to do it myself so someone else just has to do it!

Now the second thing.... Apparently all my drama with the IV and my veins was just too much, the nurses couldn't handle it anymore. So they ganged up on me and told my doctor who suggested (more like insisted on) something called a pick line.... I felt so betrayed. Why you ask? Well, let me tell you what a pick line is. They take a long small tube and put it into one of your veins from somewhere on the top half of the arm and then a little tube hangs out and that's where they hook you up with the chemo drugs. Basically no more poking you with needles looking for a suitable vein. But there's a tube hanging out of your arm!!! That and the little tube in the vein goes all the way inside to some main vein near the chest. I tried to talk my doctor out of it but she wasn't having it. Damn nurses. Can't a person freak out about their veins anymore before someone wants to stick a tube in there and have another tube hang out?! So on Wednesday I'm going in to get the pick line put in. They said they cover it with gauze and bind it so it doesn't just hang out. I also have to go in once a week to get it flushed (which I think means they clean it). Hopefully I won't pass out on my way there.

Well, that's what's up on the cancer front.

Was (Am) I A Quitter?

I know it's been awhile since I've written, it's been an eventful 2 weeks. I guess I'll start with the biggest change.

My ex-boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. To make a long story short, we had a nasty break up last year and I told him to stop contacting me and I never saw him again, that is, up until the day (2 weeks ago) I called to tell him about my cancer and to apologize if I'd hurt his feelings by breaking the contact between us so drastically. We ended up going out to dinner together two days later and... it's felt like we never parted.

I stayed away from this blog because I really wrestled (in my mind) with what my role in our break up had been. I started trying to write about it a week ago but couldn't organize my thoughts so I stopped. Even now, I hope that this comes out the way I mean it to.

I look at people in relationships around me or, even better, at marriages around me and I try to figure out how they've survived their ups and downs. Granted, I realize relationships are not perfect, that you work together to weather the storms. But where do you draw the line to discern when to stay or when to go?

My parents had their 28 yr anniversary last week and honestly, it’s been a rocky 28 yrs. I didn’t know whether to be happy for them for making it this far, or sad because maybe it would have been better for both of them if they’d just separated earlier. They’re not happy now, they just have this tenuous and distant understanding. My brother and his girlfriend, on the other hand, have been together for about a year now and have survived a myriad of problems. Granted, it could be because they’re still young (18/19) and it’s only been a year, but they’ve faced things together that would have severely tested older and more established relationships. His girlfriend has supported and encouraged him through all his low points and problems and has helped him improve his life. They seem really happy together.

All of this leads me to wonder how I respond to problems in my own relationships. My ex- boyfriend and I had been together for 3 months (yes only 3 months, but it was an intense 3 months!) last summer when we hit that mountain on the road. But I didn’t stay, I walked away and refused to look back. I didn’t want to work things through, talk things out, or support each other out of the pit we had fallen in. I was unwilling to believe that things could get better, that he could be better. I just quit.

It’s too late to think about whether things could have changed for the best if I’d stayed. But what I’ve wondered, the question I originally posed, is how do you know when to continue or when it‘s over? How many relationships have weathered those storms together and grown stronger because of it? How many couples have overcome infidelity, depression, a health crisis, financial problems, etc. etc.? How much are you willing to bear for the person you love, hoping for brighter days? How will you know that no matter what you do, it’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better, and you’re better off letting go? How do you know?

You don’t and that’s what has plagued me these last 2 weeks. Did I quit just because the going got a little too rough? I didn't even give us a chance to find out if we could have overcome our problems and grown together through it. Now it’s too late to wonder about the past, but my ex-boyfriend and I are on the threshold of a new beginning and while I don’t want the past to taint the now, I remember how hard it became; I just want to be cautious. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, writing all this down. I just hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes.

Imagination

So I've been reading Eragon and I just have to say... I love it! It almost reminds me of The Lord of the Rings but it's definitely different. I won't talk about the book because I wouldn't want to ruin the story but it did make me realize something. I wish dragons existed because now I want one, lol. Just like when I saw one of the Star Wars movies as a kid and I wanted an ewok and with Gremlins I wanted a mogwai (except, you know, I'd follow all the rules so that I wouldn't have a bunch of gremlins running around).

I sometimes wonder if kids today have the same type of imagination that I remember having as a kid. I'm not around children much so that's why I don't know. But I remember my childhood being so magical and full of discovery, imagination, and experimentation. I was a total 80's kid and is it just me or were there more movies that played to the imagination? Like Legend, Gremlins, The Neverending Story, E.T., Teen Wolf, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Beetlejuice, Elvira, Little Monsters, Willow, Short Circuit, Masters of the Universe, Labyrinth, Once Bitten, Princess Bride, Spaceballs, Splash, Big Trouble in Little China, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Weird Science, Conan the Barbarian, Earth Girls Are Easy, The Goonies, Ghoulies, The Gate, Child's Play, Return of the Living Dead, The Fly, Nightmare on Elm St, Lost Boys, Robocop, etc. I won't lie, I had to look up some of these cuz I couldn't remember their titles, and I added more than I thought I would but I just kept remembering more as I looked more up. My point is that these weren't cartoons or movies about "real" life, they were about fantasy, imagination, or adventure. I can't think of many movies like that nowadays. Maybe there are and I'm just not aware of them. Either that or maybe I think that they couldn't be as good as the ones I saw as a kid because of the nostalgia factor.

Anyways, about kids today, I'm going off on tangents. I didn't grow up with tons of toys and video games. I made planes out of boxes, put wooden planks on top of bricks and played Olympics gymnastics, made dolls out of flour and water (they always fell apart), made caves out of couch cushions, and climbed trees. I played school, market, and street (pretended we were strangers walking down a sidewalk who would stop and greet each other) with my siblings, played tremors (like the movie), sardines, freeze tag, hide & seek, and red light green light. We were that family with a broke down car in our backyard and we'd play monsters on it. We'd watch our favorite shows and act them out again with each other. Granted, my childhood wasn't perfect. We didn't always have alot of money and my parents fought alot. But I remember having alot of fun as a kid, losing myself in games, movies, and make believe.

Do kids still play like that? Or is it just sports, TV, the internet, and computer and video games? Kinda sad....

PSA, Mission: Failed, & Peace

Previously known facts before cancer diagnosis:

• I exercised regularly at the gym.
• I tried to eat well (avoided fast food as much as possible) and wasn't overweight.
• I wasn't an alcoholic (and drinking at the bars on weekends/happy hour is different from sitting at home and getting drunk every night- unless you're in college and then its a given, even expected some might say).
• I didn't smoke (1 cigarette a month does not make me a smoker!)
• I tried to average 8 hrs of sleep a night and wasn't overwhelmingly stressed.
• I was and still am young (26), single (no kids), and am generally a happy positive person.
  

So what happened? Shit happened. Unexpected, unexplained, and now unavoidable. And you know what is saving my life? My health insurance. Which I almost didn't sign up for this year because I thought I was healthy.... Two months after it had kicked in I'd started chemo treatment. I don't even know where I'd be without it. Probably in line at the county hospital next to the gunshot wound victims. So, what I'm trying to say is: if humanly possible, get health insurance! This has made me realize how important health insurance is, and its access (or more like non-access) to the general population. Is it any wonder that when medical emergencies come up unexpectedly, some families are devastated?

On another note:

Treatment 4: Everything was going well until about mid treatment when I tossed my cookies. Yup that's right, I threw up in the chemo room. Man, I can't wait for #5, maybe I'll do combos of what I've already done. Sweet.....

Today I also called someone I hadn't spoken to in quite awhile. It's been stuck in my head for the last few weeks now that I needed to get in contact with them. Other than the cancer thing, 2 other events this year have changed the way in which I view past friendships that ended in anger or sorrow. This summer, one of my best friends got married and the night before her wedding I found out that a woman that had been my coworker and friend in college had died of a car accident a few months before. Just the last two events have driven home the point that life is fleeting and that time passes all too quickly. It's time we lose and never regain. Along with the cancer thing, I've realized that I don't want to carry around anger, ill will, or overblown pride. Why? Why would I want to carry that negative energy around? It doesn't help my life and it doesn't help anyone else's either. I want to let people know that I'm sorry if I unintentionally hurt them. I wanted to tell this person that I'd let go of that, that I didn't want any ill will between us, and that I'm sorry if I had hurt them with my silence. And not just because I thought they deserved to hear it, but because I needed to say it.

It's like that saying, that you never tell people how much you love them until it's too late and they're gone. I don't want that to be the case for me. I want the people I care about to know that I love them and appreciate the profound way in which they have touched and changed my life. To thank them for all their support because without them, I am nothing.

Books, Movies, & Chemo

You know that one scene from the movie Office Space, where they take the printer or copier (whatever it was) out to the grass and beat it? That's how I feel about my computer sometimes, actually, more like my internet connection. Everyday it's a surprise. Will I or won't I have internet access today? I'm not very good with technology so I don't know what I have, I know it's not dial up but whatever it is, I've had it. So I'm gonna start looking into other forms of accessing the internet.

On another note, I have a stack of books I'm excited to start reading. Out of about 15, I'm most excited about The Time Traveler's Wife, Running With Scissors, and Eragon. I usually like to read the book before the movie, which is why I want to read Eragon. But I saw the movie Running With Scissors and loved it, so now I want to read the book. I like that I have more time to read and watch movies now.

There are so many good movies out right now and at first I didn't think anything of it, but then I read an article in the LA Times that talked about why there were so many good movies out. Apparently fall is the season for serious movies since it's close to Oscar season. Makes sense. Except the serious movie-goer is usually overwhelmed with so many good choices. Still on my list: The Queen, Babel, Volver, The Last King of Scotland, and Little Children. For the soon to come: Bobby, The Good Sheperd, Factory Girl, and Dreamgirls. I loved loved Flags of Our Fathers. I was disappointed with Marie Antoinette which sucks cuz it was the movie I had most looked forward to seeing. And I really tried to like it but, wasn't happening. Borat was outrageous and really funny. I missed Little Miss Sunshine so I'm waiting for it to come out on DVD.

Tomorrow is another chemo day. I used to get really nervous the day before chemo. The first one I had scared me to death and I couldn't sleep the days before it. Thankfully I've gotten used to it, this one is #4. I do 2 treatments a month and I'm suppose to do 6, maybe 8 months of chemo, followed by radiation therapy. I'm almost done with 2 months which is.... I can't even describe the feeling.... kinda like relief. I thought chemo would be horrific to be perfectly honest, I know, a little dramatic, lol. It's just you hear so many horror stories and I went into it thinking that. Granted, I don't feel well (mostly moderate nausua) for the first 2-3 days following treatment but I try to sleep alot, so I don't feel it as much. Hopefully I'll still be saying this on month 5....

So, a little about my chemo days so far. For the record, I can be kinda scandalous and dramatic. So of course I bring that to the chemo room at the hospital.

Treatment 1: No problem, smooth sailing.

Treatment 2: The IV started to hurt (a needle is inserted into one of my veins in my hand and the chemo fluids enter my bloodstream that way), and of course I start to cry. First because it hurt, then because I hate needles, the sight of blood, chemo altogether, hospitals, cancer, and the injustice of it all. The arbitrary nature of Hodgkins (I'll write about that later). Anyways, they change the IV to the other hand and it stops hurting. I now feel like the pussy in the room. Nobody else cried, just me and of course the nurse had to come and calm me down. The rest of the afternoon goes by quietly. The original vein that was used darkened slightly and still hurts occasionally, which I later learn might be what is called chemo damage. Which means I am now paranoid about my veins.

Treatment 3: The chemo room was understaffed, 3 nurses had called out. I foresaw problems. A nurse who is not usually there starts my IV. First, my BLOOD squirts everywhere: on my hand, on the chair, on the floor. Then she drops the little plastic tube to the floor. Needless to say, I start getting paranoid. I ask another nurse to change the IV. Of course I have to lie and say it hurts because I can't admit that I don't trust the nurse who is spilling my blood and dropping my tubes. This leads to 4 nurses surrounding me and asking me what the problem is. I want to say, "Can you please just change the IV, no questions!" Unfortunately, what comes out is a babble of pain, dark veins, and paranoia. They suggest putting a port on my arm. A long small plastic tube is inserted into one of my veins and it goes up to some main vein in my chest, maybe heart. I would no longer get IV needles they say. I quickly nix the idea and finally manage to convince them that it hurts enough to change the needle right now but not enough for a port. I am now the paranoid drama queen....... who is also a crier. The rest of the afternoon goes by quietly.

So, my only fear about tomorrow is causing a scene in the chemo room. Hmmmm!

Day 1

I don't really know how to begin. I've never actually kept a blog before, I've always unleashed my thoughts, musings, questions, complaints, comments, etc. on the people around me. I'm a talker, I thrive on that type of human connection. However, current circumstances have greatly diminished my vocal interactions with people, which means... I need an outlet. Someone suggested I start a blog and I kinda went back and forth, debating whether I wanted to do something that's just so public but eventually I just did it. So here I am! I guess I'll see how this goes.

My name is Maria Morales. I've lived in Los Angeles, CA most of my life, except for the six years that I lived in Ithaca, NY when I went to Cornell University. The experiences that I had those 6 years pretty much formed the adult that I am today. Those were some of the best years of my life and I met so many amazing people that I still keep in touch with today, and always will. When I moved back to LA, it was definitely a rocky beginning. I felt out of place and lonely. But thankfully, I've made new friends and I've reconnected with the city that I've always loved.

For the last two years I worked at Bloomingdale's and granted, it wasn't the best job in the world, but I liked it. I liked the energy, the life, the people, the environment, and the neverending change. I'm also a procrastinator so I was also too lazy to find a different job. That and I still can't figure out what I want to do with my life. I know, I know, trust me I've heard it all before. But that's beside the point right now. Anyways, to make a long story short (and believe me, I'm a rambler so it would be a looooong story, with footnotes and everything), on September 11th, 2006, my life kinda... stopped. Based on the results of a biopsy I'd had done a week before, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a type of blood cancer.

The weeks following my diagnosis were jampacked with activity. If I wasn't at work, I was at the hospital getting tests done. During that time, I was too busy to really think about what was going to happen. The day I met with the oncologist I realized things were going to change drastically. Literally, I met with her on a Friday, stopped working the following Tuesday, and started chemotherapy on Wednesday. And since then.... I watch TV, read, sleep, go to the movies, play on the Internet... wait for the mail... watch the grass grow, the paint peel.... You get the point.

At first I talked on the phone alot but all I needed was one $300 bill to convince me that I needed another form of comunication with the outside world. I guess I should clarify that the reason I had to stop working was because apparently chemotherapy not only attacks cancer cells, it also affects your immune system and make you susceptible to infections and sicknesses. I was told to avoid sick people, kids (those dirty germ-mobiles, lol), and any activity that would increase my chances of getting sick/hurt. Anyways, I joined myspace, even though I swore I never would. But it just wasn't enough. I needed, craved, something more... introspective. Hence, the birth of this blog.

I know this entry was kinda long. In books, prologues are suppose to be short, but like I said, I'm a rambler :). I'll try not to focus too much on the cancer stuff, I can't help it sometimes, it just dominates my life. Well, I guess this is it for now....