YEAH!!!!!

We opened escrow today! And by we, I mean Clay. But I'll be living there as well so it's our house. In about a month's time, after Diego and I return from Seattle, Clay and I will be moving to Norwalk! YEAH!!!!!!!! More on that later........

So Clay bought a treadmill and it was delivered today. Boy did that box look heavy! I'm so glad Clay did all the hard work. Lugging that thing up the elevator, into the apartment, unpacking it, putting it together..... I got tired just looking at him! But it is now up and running! Uh, I mean, it is now ready to be run on..... lol...... It's a really good treadmill too. I did all the research and then told him which one to buy, the Sole F85. Very sturdy. I can plug my ipod into it, it has cup holders, and fans too........ I'm happy he likes it so far..........

So Clay and I had been talking about getting a kitty friend for our kitty. We went to the animal shelter to check out our options. Well, when we entered the cat room we were verbally assaulted for no reason! Here is a reenaction:

Scene of the Crime: The Los Angeles Animal Shelter Cat Room. Sunny but chilly beautiful California day.

(Maria and Clay enter the cat room at the animal shelter. There is a white woman who appears to be speaking on her cell phone. They look at the cages.)

Maria: I don't see any kitties in here.

White Woman: Well, do you like CATS?

(Before we can answer....)

White Woman: Because when they grow up, they turn into CATS.

(I'm smiling because I don't immediately realize that she's talking to us, I thought she was on her cell phone. I think I said, "Whaaaaat?" Clay is smiling and giggling because at first he thinks that she is joking and poking fun at us.)

White Woman: The adult cats that don't get adopted get KILLED.

(Clay and I are like, "WOW." But we are still smiling because it all happens so fast we don't have time to change our facial expressions.)

White Woman: Oh, you obviously think that's FUNNY since you're LAUGHING!

(She is still holding her cell phone to her ear. Clay and I are shocked and appalled at this verbal assault.)

Clay: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you righteous fucking bitch!

(OH SNAP! (Refer to Oh Snap flow chart))

White Woman: Yeah, I'm a fucking bitch!

(Clay and I start to walk out.)

Clay: We come to the fucking animal shelter to adopt a pet only to be accosted by some fucking simpleton!

THE END

The Moral of the Story:

I understand she thinks that she's there volunteering, trying really hard to get the adult cats adopted. But insulting people when they walk in is not the way to go about it. It should have been obvious that Clay and I had already taken that first step by coming to the shelter in the first place. And we already own a cat (that I had gotten as a kitten at that same shelter back in October), we were looking for another similar to her age and size that she could play with. But she judged us immediately. Like seriously, are you trying to alienate people as soon as they walk in? And if we want to adopt a kitten, you can't judge us for it, that's what we want. At least we're making the effort to adopt from a shelter, and not only that, I donate to the spcaLA every year! (The shelter we went to is not part of the spca but still, I'm aware of the plight of abandoned animals.)

Actually, I hadn't remembered this but Clay brought it up after we left. Last year, before we had adopted a kitten and were still researching our kitty options, we went to a Petco where they were doing cat adoptions. All the cats that we saw were adult cats and we asked the volunteer if they had any kittens. She said no but then asked us, "Have you considered adopting an older cat?" See? There is a way to do it nicely! We politely said no, that I really wanted a kitten. But she was nice about it and let us look at the cats there and let us know that most of them had come from abusive households. She said it in a way that was not meant to guilt trip us, but rather to let us know the truth about the cats' backgrounds. We didn't adopt a cat but we also didn't leave with a negative experience. (Well, not a negative volunteer experience. One of the cats there sharted in front of us and we had to literally flee the area because the smell was so bad. I felt bad for the cat, apparently it was sick, but I'm not gonna adopt a sick cat. Sorry.)

So anyways, yeah, not a nice experience at the shelter. We probably will not go back anytime soon and will look at pictures online instead. That's how I adopted my current cat, first I looked online; all the city shelters and spca shelters here have pictures online of almost all the animals they have available for adoption. I had looked at lots of pictures, had written down the kittens' ID numbers that I liked, and then went to the shelters where they were. The cat I adopted was actually the very first kitten on my list but the last one I went to see. Isn't that crazy? It was meant to be........

She really did go crazy on us! Maybe Clay shouldn't have called her a righteous fucking bitch, but she was acting like a bitch....... The worst part is that she'll retell this story with us as the villains. The cruel and evil couple that came in today and verbally assaulted her. We shouldn't be allowed to own animals. We probably eat kittens for breakfast, kitten tacos. I don't see how anyone will adopt a cat with her there, guilt tripping people.

Now that I've gone on and on about this, I'm over it! I'm sorry I wrote more about this than the fact that Clay and I will be in our own house in a month's time. It's cute, small, but cute. Very well maintained. 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. I'll take pictures to post online. Well, I probably won't be able to do that until we move in. But I'll keep you posted!

The remodel at my mom's house is chugging along slowly. Both rooms are almost done. My friend Marty had suggested posting before and after pictures but of course I didn't take before pictures so now I'm kicking myself because that's a great idea. They look really different from how they were but now you'll only be able to see the after pictures. I'll have to try to accurately describe how they were before. I'll work on it..........

I watched 2 of my netflix movies today: Ma Vie On Rose and Who the @#%* is Jackson Pollock? (I may not have put the symbols in the right order but you get the picture.) Not bad, not great, but not bad. Both were interesting and thought provoking. Ma Vie On Rose is about a little boy who wants to be a girl (and expresses it) and how this creates tension within the family, at school, and in neighborhood. Like I said, not a bad movie. I liked it a lot, but did not love it. But it was interesting, the topics it raised about what can happen when a child is not what the parents and society expect it to be. I would still recommend it. The second movie was also interesting, a documentary about a female truck driver who buys a painting for $5 at a thrift store and then discovers that it or may not be a Jackson Pollock. It's about her experience dealing with the art world (which is extremely rude and condescending to her) and trying to authenticate the painting. Again, really interesting and thought provoking. How art critics refuse to believe they can be wrong, how they refuse to accept scientific evidence as pertinent information, and how there is strict protocol involved in authenticating a work of art. Liked a lot but did not love. The movies I love have to be movies I'm willing to buy and watch again. I can like them a lot but I have to love them to buy them. Or maybe not always buy, but watch again. One viewing was enough for both but I'm glad I watched them.

I also watched the Black to the Future series on VH1. It aired last month but I DVR'd it and only today got around to watching the 4 episodes. Basically it showed black popular culture from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 00's. It was great actually. Especially when I watched the 80's and 90's. Totally my 2 eras. It was great to see the things I watched, listened to, and loved in those decades. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, En Vogue, Martin, In Living Color, Living Single, Family Matters, The A-Team, Boyz In The Hood, gangster rap (Snoop, Dr. Dre, and Ice Cube), Biggie and Tupac, the LA riots...... Definitely really glad I DVR'd it.

I also forgot to mention I've been sick as a dog almost 3 weeks now. What started out as a runny nose and a dry cough quickly became a runny nose, phlegm-filled cough, nausea, fatigue, fever, and general unhappiness. By the end of week 2 I hadn't gotten better so my doctor prescribed antibiotics which I finally finished yesterday. I had to skip chemo last week since I was still really sick and my platelet count was low. The week before that my red blood cell count had been really low. So basically I've been feeling really shitty for almost 3 weeks now; I am slowly starting to feel better. Everything is almost gone, except for the cough (which is not as bad as it was but is still there and sometimes wakes me up at night) and the fever (which could also be because of my cancer). This Thursday I should be able to get chemo since I am feeling better. I hate it when I skip a week. I always think my cancer will go crazy anytime I delay my treatment cycle, so I try really hard not to. Only when I absolutely can't because of low counts or sickness.

What an eventful day! Opened escrow, was insulted at the shelter, got a new treadmill, watched a couple movies, some TV......... So much action today! And I even took a 30 minute nap between the 2 movies.

Jesus it's late. You can't tell but it's 1am my time. Time to put myself to bed...........

Oh I almost forgot:

I LOVE My Job!

This has been an interesting 7 days.

So last year (end of summer) I seriously contemplated quitting my job. It was really a combination of things, mostly stress over being sick and trying to hide it. Few people really know how hard last year was on me. I really can't begin to explain how hard my second treatment was on me. My mom is one of the few who really knows. She would often plead with me, "Hija, por favor. No vayas al trabajo, no te ves bien," (Daughter, please. Don't go to work, you don't look well). But I wouldn't listen and I would just go to work. But as soon as I got home I would go straight to bed because I was so exhausted from the day and from trying to act like I was ok when in fact, I wasn't feeling well. It was stupid really. But I felt like I needed the job and I had to go and try my best. For the most part it worked. However, I was sent home a few times when it was obvious I was not ok. The relief at being sent home once was so great I literally broke into tears; I was so happy I could go home and just rest. Like I said, it was stupid what I put myself through. At the time I just felt like I had no choice, I didn't want to lose my job.

By the end of the summer I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to just quit. Fuck it. Was my peace of mind worth more than extra money in my pocket? I wasn't sure. But it was just so exhausting. So I seriously weighed my options:

• I could quit, go back on disability, and use my disability to pay for COBRA. Con: Cobra ends after a year and eventually I'd have to find a new job. Also, the way disability works, I could end up with no money since they base it on what you earned months before going on disability. Months before going on disability I didn't work because I was on disability (if you can understand that).
  
• I could take a medical leave of absence (like I did at Bloomingdale's), go back on disability, pay my half of my medical premium, and eventually return to my old position. Con: Same as above regarding disability. Also, I felt guilty about leaving when they were short staffed and needed everyone there.
  
• I could go part-time and still get a paycheck. Con: No benefits and less money in my pocket.
  

I seriously thought about it for about a month before I decided to just grin and bear it for as long as possible. I want to clarify that it was while I was on my second treatment that things headed downhill. Well, actually, my first treatment ended badly since I ended up in the hospital. So I started the second treatment but the side effects were too much for me. I was always tired, needed blood transfusions, stopped eating (I lost 20 pounds), TMI had problems going to the restroom..... Seriously a laundry list of problems. But I tried to act like everything was ok. That was my problem. Trying to fake it. It became really stressful. But I decided I would try to take it as long as I could. Mind you, I had good days, I did. But the bad days outweighed the good.

When I finally went off the second treatment, I was so relieved. This new treatment plan has given me my life back. The quality of my life has improved.

So basically I'm happy I stuck it out because I am much better now and I have the energy I need to be 100% dedicated to my job.

Now I am beginning to realize even more how smart this decision was. Every time I hear stories about people being laid off and people not being able to find jobs, I thank my lucky stars that I still have a job to go to. Sometimes I whine and complain but today I really realized that I was one of the lucky ones that still has her job. So from now on I'm just going to shut up and do the best I can.

Today I thought about all the people I know who have been laid off or can't find a job and that's what prompted this change of heart. It's not that I don't like my job, I do. I really really enjoy what I do. Seriously, all joking, BS, and sarcasm aside I really do enjoy what I do. It's no secret I love the fashion world. But of course like any normal person I've complained about my job. My workload is too much, sometimes I fight with my co-workers, sometimes I hate my managers, etc. etc. The normal work complaints most people have. But today I've decided no more. From now on I will put in 200%. No more complaining and whining.

The truth is that the extra money in my pocket has been a blessing. There are just so many things I would not have been able to do had I not had the money. So at this point, I can't afford to lose my job.

I used to say, I don't need money to be happy. I now realize, I don't NEED it, but it sure does make life a lot easier.

On another note, I am helping to finance a mini home remodel of my mom's house. Hence the importance of having extra money lying around. Have you ever seen The Money Pit? Well, our experience has not strayed too far from the couple's in the movie. We've already gone over the budget, over the timeline, and more than one person has lost their temper. It didn't help that Clay and I started out with a very ambitious plan that I realize now was unrealistic. A lot shit has gone wrong that we didn't anticipate.

Clay and I used to brag that we had become the perfect couple. We rarely argued anymore. We hadn't had a fight in over a year. We hadn't had a serious fight in almost 2 years. Well, this little project caused a major fight. I understand now how stressful home remodels can be on a relationship. But don't worry we are happy again. But this is definitely becoming quite the learning experience. WARNING: It is not easy people! Definitely not easy! And that's considering I'm not the one doing most of the work. I'm just providing the cash. But this ATM is starting to run out of cash. So hopefully we will get done what we need to get done before I go broke trying to finish it.

We started this weekend: Clay, my brothers Eduardo and Sergio, my mom, and I. However, like I said, we hoped we would have finished a bathroom and one bedroom by Sunday night but it didn't happen. And now everyone has returned to their regular jobs except for Sergio so he is the only one that has continued the work. But again, the unexpected shit has slowed the project down. I can't even tell you how many times we've had to go to the hardware store (6 just Saturday and Sunday, and Sergio I think has gone at least 4 times). At first I was spending wily nily but no more. I'm starting to bleed money. So unfortunately the job of finishing the 2 rooms as quickly as possible has fallen to Sergio. I'm crossing my fingers that it is soon. Clay and I will return tomorrow night to help.

The worst part is that we still have major work to do in at least one more bedroom and little work to do in 3 more rooms (living room, bathroom, and bedroom). Ay ya yay................

Maybe I should put up a website where I can accept donations to the Maria Morales Home Remodel Fund.........

But anyways, job insecurity.......... It's really tough. I think back to when Bush was in office and trying to convince the nation that we were not entering a recession. Now look at us............ I feel like even if it takes years before the economy gets back on it's feet, I am glad that we have Obama to see us through. The light in the darkness. I hope that my family, Clay, and I will weather the storm and come out ok........

2X In 1 Week!

Last week I was at the hospital getting chemotherapy and I wrote this down:

2/12/09

It's funny, the simple joys you look forward to. When I come to chemo I look forward to the orange tangerine juice boxes and Oreos. I don't have them at any other time, but I look forward to them here.

The orange juice boxes are not amazing and I could always just buy packets of Oreos and keep them at home. But I don't. It's just not the same. This is part of my chemo ritual and it wouldn't fit anywhere else.

So, in April Diego and I are going to visit Fatima in Seattle. I promised her I would go visit her within the first 3 months of the year so I'm pretty close. It's Diego's Spring Break so we'll be going for a week. The only thing that sucks is that I'll be in the middle of my treatment so no cheese while I'm there..........

Then in May Clay and I are going to San Francisco for his sister's law school graduation. This will only be a weekend trip but still, something to look forward to.

Then at some point I want to visit Adri in Texas after she has her baby.

These are my upcoming trips.

Clay and I have started a little project...... which of course is not exactly moving full speed ahead but is gradually chugging along. We are writing........ together........ the story of our love........ lol :) Yes, I'm not joking here! It's a work in progress, our work in progress. Pretty much we just want to write down how we met, what we've been through together. You would think that it would be easy to write. But I've been dragging my heels....... Mostly because I guess I'm just scared about writing "the truth" down. Well, maybe not scared, but I guess like when I started this blog, I worry about who will read it. Clay and I take turns writing down, kind of like his perspective, my perspective. It's funny sometimes. But then we'll get to a particular topic and I get like, "I don't want to write about that!" on him. It's like, do I want my mom reading about the first time we had u know what? Yet, how authentic can it be unless you write down the entire truth?

So sometimes he kids that we'll write it and then lock it up in a safe until our grandchildren find it one day when we're dead. And then they'll read about how their grandparents met and fell in love............. Like I said, it's slow going but then again......... the story of our love still has many chapters to go............ Yes I know, lots of sugar, lol.

I saw Phantom of the Opera at the Pantages Theatre this last Friday and it was AMAZING! Now I've seen it in NY, Las Vegas, and LA. Yes I'm that girl who cries during the show too. It's just amazing. So the last several days I've just been walking around humming the music.

On another note, I just finished watching Towelhead and I have to say........ It was definitely difficult to watch. I think what made it hard to watch was realizing that stuff like that really happens. Clay and I used to watch To Catch a Predator and this reminded me of that. But what really struck me was the naivete of the girl in the movie. It's like, I was angry at her but then I felt bad for her. How could she possibly know any better? So it made me think of all the girls just like her and I felt bad for them.

Sometimes, when I'm at the peak of my treatment (the steroids make me hyper), I wish that my life was like a movie, where I can see the conclusion after 2 hours. I make these plans that I know will take some time to complete but I'm impatient and I want to see the results now. Now now NOW! But I have to be patient.

So I forgot to mention octoplets mom had her babies at my hospital, Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center. I didn't even find out until a week after they'd been born! My mom was like, "Didn't you notice the news vans?" Obviously not. All this time they've just been there while I've been chilling in the oncology clinic........ It's crazy how strongly people have reacted to her story. I've been somewhat obsessed with this news, along with the whole Chris Brown beating Rhianna thing.

Octomom is unemployed, hoping to finish grad school, receiving government assistance, single, and already has 6 other young children (one of which is autistic).......... What was she thinking? What was her doctor thinking? I don't blame the people who go off on this subject. They have a point, even though it's "mean" to call her names. What kind of life can these kids have really?

And Chris Brown beating Rhianna? I can't even imagine being in her situation, having something like this happen and then have it reported all over the media. When I read people saying, "Oh, no one knows the whole story" I'm just kind of like, does it matter? BEATING A WOMAN IS NEVER OK.

Well that's all for now.

Was I Poor?

Clay and I always talk about perspective. Perspective and relativity. How someone can size up the problems in their life based on what they have been exposed to. Here is my story (which everyone who knows me already knows):

When I came to the US, I was 4 years old. It was 1984. We moved into a single apartment (separate kitchen and bathroom, one room was both living room & bedroom, walk-in closet) near downtown LA. And by we I mean my mom, my dad, my sister Fatima, my brother Eduardo, my 3 uncles, and I. Yes, 8 people in a single apartment. Of course at the time, it didn't seem weird or unusual, that's just how it was. We had a bunk bed that Eduardo and I slept on, a fold out couch my parents and Fatima slept on, and my uncles slept on the floor and in the closet. From 1984-1990 we would live in 5 different apartments until my parents finally bought a house in Watts.

Now, Watts is what you might call the ghetto. Again, growing up, it didn't sink into my consciousness that I lived in the ghetto. Projects, gang violence, food stamps, drug dealers. Yes all of these things were present in my neighborhood, but for me that didn't seem out of the ordinary because that's just how life was as I knew it. And not just me for me but for everyone around me; our family, our neighbors, our friends. We all walked by the same projects, we all heard about someone getting shot, we all worried about getting jacked on the way home from school, we all complained about the long lines in the grocery store on the first of the month. We weren't the only family that shopped at thrift stores, swapmeets, wore hand me downs, only got a new pair of shoes once a year, only had one uniform for the entire year (sometimes 2-3 years, we had to outgrow it before we got a new one, and I mean ONE). We didn't go to Toys R Us or shop at the mall. But neither did anyone else. Or at least no one I knew.

It wasn't until I got to high school and some of the other students joked about where I lived that it first started to sink in that maybe I didn't live in the best neighborhood. Mind you, up until high school I had gone to my local Catholic school. When I graduated from 8th grade my mom refused to send me to any of the local public high schools and said she would rather I not go to school than to end up at any of the local schools where she was sure I would wind up pregnant or in a gang or worse. So to make a long story short I found a small magnate school in South Central Los Angeles and that's where the other kids made jokes about my bus not stopping at the bus stop and me having to tuck and roll out of the bus dodging bullets. And this was from the kids who grew up in SOUTH CENTRAL.

Mind you, yes I knew there were better neighborhoods, as in rich neighborhoods. So I figured you either lived in something similar to my neighborhood or you were rich, no in-betweens. So even those in the suburbs were rich to me.

So anyways, back to me realizing maybe I grew up poor. High school made me realize that there were still levels of bad neighborhoods, with mine being towards the bottom. Again, to make a long story short, I threw myself into being a good student (which I realize is the only way to getting out if of my strict household) and eventually ended up at Cornell University, which I didn't even know existed or even understood what an Ivy Leauge was until I applied (when they sent me a free brochure and I thought, NY sounds far away to me!).

So I got to Cornell and the jokes started all over again. Ghetto Maria. Maria from Watts. You can take the child out the hood but you can't take the hood out the child. Mostly I think it was my stories of the 8 people in the single apartment, the bad English grammer sometimes, the green card (the majority of my friends had been born in the US), the tales of me swimming in a trash can (one summer my dad once took one of the green trash bins, cleaned it out, filled it with water, and let us splash around it in), playing street in our backyard, using leaves as money when we played store, using the junk cars in the backyard to reenact movie scenes. Less toys, more imagination.

I will admit though, fear was ever present. Before we got metal bars on our windows (when we had just moved in), I used to sleep with a metal bat by the bed in case someone tried to break into our house through the window (my bed was by the window). It was silly; what would I have done with the bat really? I was a kid, like 10-11 years old. But the bat made me feel safer, like I could protect myself. I stopped worrying about it once we got the bars, or at least I stopped worrying about someone breaking in through the window. I would wake up in the middle of the night and sneak around the house, hiding, double checking the doors and the windows to make sure they were locked. When I heard strange noises at night I remember being deathly afraid that someone had broken in. It wasn't until I got to college that I lost that fear. The feeling of being unsafe in your own home. Ithaca was so safe, so secure. Students walked around freely at night. So safe.

Anways, to continue, all my life I've defended my childhood. That's just the way it was. It was a happy one for the most part. I was aware we didn't have alot of money, that the lack of money was somewhat a big problem and caused many an argument between my parents, but we also still went to a Catholic school, we always had food to eat (I don't remember ever thinking we only had a little bit of food), we were never on welfare. We still went to Shakey's every now and then. We still had a Nintendo. So how could I have grown up poor?

But then I talk to Clay about how he grew up and of course the difference is great. According to him I did grow up poor and it amazes him sometimes that I don't think so. But it's relative to me. I saw people who were also worse off. People all over the world are worse off. I was not poor in comparison.

So I kind of relate this back to my life with cancer. Sometimes people tell me they admire me, that if they were in my situation they wouldn't know how to handle it. But the thing is, my life for the last 2 1/2 years has been with cancer so that's just how it is now. So all the little problems that come with living with cancer seem just that, little. Because I deal with them day in and day out they don't seem out of the ordinary. My life doesn't suck now, it is not worse, it just is. In fact, I feel like I have a happy life. My life now, even with cancer, is better than what it was a few years ago. Yes I worry about my health, yes I would rather not have cancer, but cancer has not ruined my life. I am a stronger person because I've overcome the obstacles that cancer has brought.

Sometimes I try to imagine how different my life would have been if I had not gotten cancer and I honestly don't know if it would have been better. I really don't. I look at what I have now, the kind of person I am now, the things that make me so happy now. But like the, "Was I poor?" conversation, maybe someone else wouldn't think my life was so great.

But I don't care. I wasn't poor and my life doesn't suck. It's not perfect but that's ok. I'm still happy.

No I Didn't Quit

All right so I haven't written in awhile. So many new and exciting things have happened!

Clay, Doogie Meowzer, Higgins O'Fishley, and I are all one big happy family. Yes I have officially moved in with Clay. I still have my room at home and I try to go home one night a week but my mom has realized that I'm pretty much living with Clay at this point. I never made a grand announcement, I just kinda slowly moved out week by week. I'm very happy with the situation. Except for the fact that we really need another dresser. We each have our own closet but we're sharing a dresser and I really just need my own. I don't want to buy a new one so I've been looking for used ones on Craig's list. The problem is that Clay and I are still looking at houses and Clay has made some offers so it would be silly to buy a dresser now; I should just wait until we move into our new house. But then again that could take several months. Correction: that will take several months. And I'm so impatient! But I need to wait wait wait. Then I can go crazy looking for furniture.

Another problem: my mail still goes to my mom's house. Again, I don't want to change my address only to have to change it again maybe 4-6 months later. And I have so many cute address labels from my charities! I had to throw away the not so cute ones and only keep the best. Sorry charities....... On another note, this year I have chosen a few charities and have decided that these will be the only ones I donate to. Before, I sent a check (granted it was only $10-$15 but they add up!) to any charity that sent me address labels, calenders, charms, or notepads. And even the ones that didn't send me anything got a donation from me. This year I can't give to everyone anymore. So the winners are: spcaLA, March of Dimes, American Cancer Society, and Habitat for Humanity. So basically animals, babies, cancer people, and homes. That's it, no more! I'm sorry but I had to cut down! Write me when I make more money.

Anyways, I got the fish a bigger tank and he seems to really like it. When he lived in the little bowl he would spend most of his time laying at the bottom of the bowl. He looked like he was dead most of the time and would only swim around after I feed him his little pellets. But now he swims around the bowl alot so I realize I was just fish abusing him by making him live in his tiny bowl. His new tank is big enough where I was able to put a filter in it as well so that I won't have to clean the bowl often. He seems happier so it was worth the effort (it took 2 trips to the exotic fish store and cost about $60, mind you, Clay bought him for only $5).

The kitty is good too. She is one hyper crazy kitty though. Clay and I have scratches and bite marks all over our hands because she keeps using them as playthings. It's starting to get embarrassing though because our hands are literally covered with angry red lines. We tried screaming "Ouch!" when she bites us but she just runs away only to come back and bite us again. We realize it's not because she hates us but because she wants to play. However, I really have no idea how to get her to stop biting. It's all fun and games now that she's still little but it won't be so harmless when her adult teeth tear out chunks of our flesh. We still haven't spayed her either and Clay thinks she'll calm down once she's been fixed. I hope so. Other than that, I love her! She makes me so happy! My favorite is when we go to bed and she comes and settles down in the crook of my neck, her little head near mine. Ahhhhhh, I love her! That is until the next day when she suddenly goes into attack mode and I'll be laying in bed and all of a sudden she comes racing toward me, smacks me in the face with her paw (no claws), and then takes off running again. Yes my kitten somethings slaps me in the face and then runs away. It's scary and funny all at the same time.

I had a wonderful birthday, Christmas, and New Year's. Clay gave me the 2 things I wanted most: tickets to go see Phantom of the Opera and money to go shopping. Of course I will be taking my gay husband Erasto to go see Phantom of the Opera February 13th and Clay is happy he doesn't have to go.

My sister came home for Christmas and it was so wonderful to be with her again. I miss her so much. I promised I'd go visit at some point within 3 months so most likely in March I will try to go up to Seattle to see her. While she was here my brother Sergio introduced us to a Nicaraguan restaurant he found near our house and it is actually really good. We all went as a family and ordered way too much food but it was really delicious. I took Clay and Erasto and they liked it too so I was really pleased. I like introducing people to Nicaraguan food and it makes me happy when they genuinely like it. Sergio was like, "How dare you go without me!" I jacked his spot, hah!

So Christmas was fun too. I gave Sergio and Eduardo Coal gum as their first gift. I thought it was a cute idea and it made them laugh so it was cool. Sergio wrapped Diego's present in an ad that had a woman wearing just a bra which of course made everyone laugh. Overall a great night. The only thing that sucked, which I almost forgot, was that my gums became extremely sensitive and I couldn't brush my teeth or eat really hard food for a week because I was in so much pain. Turns out my blood count dipped really low that week, which explained the bleeding gums. It was terrible. In order to avoid that happening again I have started the Neupogen shots again. I am always glad I learned how to give myself the shots, makes me feel so nursey, lol.

New Year's we had a dance party at home and of course I partied like it was 1999 and then passed out at like 11pm and missed the new year. Turns out I wasn't the only party pooper: Eduardo went to bed at 11:30pm and Fatima doesn't remember she fell asleep at around midnight. So basically Sergio, Diego, and my mom were the only ones who actually welcomed the new year, with the Moet I bought! And of course Sergio took pictures of each of us passed out with a little yellow post it near our mouths that read,"Happy New Year!" It was really funny. To us at least.........

Clay was in Virginia and ended up staying later because he got really sick while he was there. I freaked out a little when I didn't hear from him for a day because I was worried about him and it made me realize what it felt like when I did that. Last year there were times when I got really sick and because I didn't feel well I wouldn't answer his calls and he would tell me he had been really worried about me. Now I realize how important it is to let the other person know you're ok so they don't worry and he realized how much you really don't feel like talking to people when you feel like shit. But he got better and he came home only a few days later than expected. He had purchased tickets to go to the Rose Bowl but he canceled them because he didn't know if he would be back in time. He came home New Year's Eve and was waiting for his luggage at midnight. I told him he didn't miss much.

So my parents are officially divorced. My dad moved out the beginning of January and my mom got to keep the house, she has to pay for it though. Honestly, they had refinanced so many times over the years that the house at this point has no equity but she was adamant that she wanted it so she got it. I hope everything works out for the best. She also got full custody of Diego but my dad can see him anytime. My dad moved into a small house not too far away so he still takes Diego to school every morning and picks him up after school most days as well. I told my mom that even though I won't be home anymore I will still help her in any way that I can. I am.................. relieved it is finally over. I never felt comfortable at home knowing that my parents didn't speak to each other and avoided being in each other's presence yet continued to live in the same house. I hope they can both be happier now.

I am in my fourth cycle of British MOPP; 4 more to go. I had a CT scan earlier this month and............... the best results I've had in a year! All the enlarged lymph nodes had significantly reduced in size, some had returned to their normal shape. Ever since the no breathing incident I had had liquid in my left lung, it's gone now. Really the best results I've had in a long time. I almost couldn't believe it. As long as my results don't plateau........... I can't even explain what I felt when I heard the results. I had gotten so used to hearing the usual: a little bit better, a little bit worse, no change. It's been 2 1/2 years and frankly I was starting to worry that nothing was going to make my lymphoma go away. I never said it aloud but the idea was there. Would I live to see the next 5 years? Was I going to be that person who lost her 3 year battle with cancer? It was a terrible thought but one that I couldn't shake, especially after every test result revealed that things were not getting better. It had gotten to the point where as long as it wasn't getting worse it was ok. But I also wasn't getting better. And every time I stopped receiving treatment, I got worse. I just didn't see any end and I was suffering the side effects of the treatments. But finally positive results. Getting better results. Finally......... FINALLY!

So......... British MOPP is not too bad. The worst side effects are the lowered blood counts which sometimes require a blood transfusion, the occasional nausea, and achey body. On the plus side, the apartment has never been cleaner. Because of the Prednisone, I get so hyper sometimes that I clean for hours at a time because I can't sit still. Clay's not complaining.

My new project is a spreadsheet Clay made me that will help me figure out where my money is going every month. I decided to fill it out for last year and it's taking me awhile to go through my bank statements. I'm hoping this will help me become more aware of what I should be cutting back on. My savings account has unfortunately no savings and I'd like to change that this year.

For 2009 I decided on a few resolutions:

1. Eat healthier. This means cook more, microwave less. More fruits and veggies.
2. Eat out less. This relates to #1 but also to #3.
3. Try to find ways to save money. This includes quitting my tea latte addiction. Good bye Coffee Bean!
4. Get my driver's license. I know, I say this every year, but really this time.
   
5. Read more books. I am still slowly getting through One Hundred Years of Solitude. I am halfway done. It really is a great book so far and I had wanted to read it in Spanish but I realize now it would take me a year if I did.
6. Stop buying things I only use a few times. By this I mean clothes and shoes. Obviously I'm still going to shop but I need to stop buying things I only wear once. This year I will try to really think about how often I will use something before I buy it. I'm crossing my fingers that I really stick to this.

Well I think those were it for now.

Movies I saw that I loved:

• Changeling
• Gran Torino
• Son of Rambow (loved loved)
• The Duchess
• Notorious (By the way Juicy is my all time favorite song in the world, in case you didn't know.)
• Weeds (Yes I know it's not a movie but I've watched Seasons 1-3 and am now addicted, waiting for Season 4 to become available on Netflix. I love Celia! She is just too much and I love it.)

I've also seen W, Valkyrie, and Milk but they didn't wow me. I'm looking forward to seeing Slumdog Millionaire and Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Oh and Clay bought a 52 inch plasma TV and it is amazing. I'm like that flea on the cat in that one commercial, "Wow."

So I think I've covered everything I wanted to. Oh my goodness I almost forgot something. I just got my first Fendi purse and it is beautiful. Thanks to my wonderful generous boyfriend. And yes I love it. I'm a girl who loves purses and shoes leave me alone!

New New New

So it's been an eventful couple of months. I've been feeling like a million times better. I am off the Vorinostat and am in the middle of my second cycle of British MOPP. It finally got to the point where I couldn't handle Vorinostat's side effects. I was always tired, fatigued, nauseous, not eating, cold, getting muscle cramps, needing blood transfusions.... I was generally unhappy. I took Vorinostat for about 5 months and my results had started to plateau so it was time to start something else. British MOPP is a combination of pills and an IV chemo injection. Physically and emotionally I feel much better. I have the energy to do things and not just that but the desire to want to do things. I'm eating better and have happily put on some weight (thanks to the Prednisone). Sometimes I'm a little too hyper (again the Predisone) and it's a little weird because I feel like I could literally bounce off the walls, I prefer it to the listlessness I had with Vorinostat. The biggest drawback: no cheese! When I'm on the 2 week pill cycle I can't have cheese, smoked foods, yogurt, bananas, and alcohol. Something about how my body can't break down something in those foods. Thanks goodness it's not all the time but 3 weeks out of the month. It's easier than I thought it would be but still terrible when a Dorito or pizza craving hits. Or when I can picture how good lasagna would be right about the time I can't have it.

The only problem now is hoping that it will work at continuing to chip away at my Hodgkin's. I mean I feel great.... Doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing great. More like doing well. Not great, just well. Not any worse, not any better. Kinda sucks because there's no foreseeable end. Just gotta keep on truckin.

So, I've created a little family. It's me, Clay, the fish, and a new kitten!!! Yes I brought her to Clay's a little under 2 weeks ago. One day I decided I was getting a kitten and that was that. I got her from a shelter and she's tiger stripped with black and brown. Unfortunately she's not fixed yet because she had a little cold she had to get over first and the vet at the shelter told me to bring her back at the end of the month when the cold is gone and she's gained a little more weight. She's doing really well. Of course she was scared of us at first and would hide under the futon but she's pretty affectionate now. She loves perching on our shoulders and sleeping with us on the bed. She's too cute!!! We are having a naming issue. Clay keeps calling her Dougie Meowzer and Catten. I wanted to name her Kiki but it doesn't seem like it's going to stick. Anyways she's going to be staying at Clay's because it's the only way I can ensure Snub won't get her. My immune system is still weak so I shouldn't really have gotten her but she's made me so happy. Clay feeds her and I wear gloves and a mask when I clean her litter box. I'll try to be as careful as I can so that I don't get sick. But yes we're one big happy family now!

Clay decided he wants to buy a house so we had been house hunting the last several weeks. The thing is that he found some he likes and he's made some offers but they haven't worked out. The goal is to buy a house by next year. We'll see how that plays out. I had been holding my breath but I think I'll just breathe and see what happens. I'm thinking about moving in with him by the end of this year. I guess it's time to just take that step. I had been really apprehensive, mostly because I was scared of vulnerability. But if not now then when? I'm actually looking forward to it a little. The 2 of us. Might be nice.

I ended up getting a new laptop. It's a Dell and I'm happy to have a working laptop. The only thing, I don't like the new Internet Explorer. It's so slow so I've started using Mozilla Firefox instead.

Things are going well. I've spent a little too much money lately but everything I've bought has made me so happy! A new sweater, scarf (purple, my new favorite color), shirt, boots, bag..... My favorite is a Marc Jacobs gold bag I bought on Ebay. Yes it was gently used and I don't care. It was a bag I always wanted that is no longer available and I still got it for less than 50% of its original retail value. I took it to a handbag repair place and they cleaned the lining and touched up the corners and now it looks brand new.

I went to a wedding a month ago as well. It was my friend Jorge and Michelle's wedding. It was really beautiful and it was great seeing my old college friends. We had an unfortunate incident with some ostriches but we were able to walk away unscathed. Basically they looked at me like they wanted to eat me and they stole my feeding pail out of my hand. I'm never getting near ostriches again. Other than that, it was a beautiful ceremony. That's 2 down now! Adri and Jorge. Actually it's 4, if I include Iris and Karyna. Everyone's started to marry off.......

My friend Adri is pregnant and I am so happy for her. She's gonna be a mama! I think maybe I'll get her lots of little baby socks one day. Or a diaper cake like on Sex In The City.

So for Halloween Clay dressed up as crazy Britney Spears (complete with half shaven wig) and I was preggers Lynne Spears (complete with prego belly and blond wig). We went to one of my co-worker's party where yes I had a lot of fun and yes I had too much to drink. Still lots of fun.

Work is going well too. The Holiday Season is coming up! It's an exciting time in retail. It's been a little slow so I'm hoping people will start shopping again soon.

So it was Clay's birthday yesterday. I got last weekend off and his friend Dustin and his girlfriend Diana came down from Fresno. On Saturday Diego came over to Clay's for a carne asada and he, Clay, Dustin, and I went to the USC vs. Cal game (Diana came the following day). Of course USC won so we enjoyed the game. The next day we went to Roscoe's for lunch and Korean BBQ for dinner. Now I just want to say that the last several Sundays I've made Clay take me to either Roscoe's for fried chicken and waffles or La Taquiza for tacos. For those who've never had Roscoe's, you don't know the joy! Anyways, it was a nice little weekend with his friends. Yesterday I gave him USC Alumni license plates and dinner at Arnie Morton's Steakhouse. It was delicious. We had a day of running errands and then walked to the restaurant for dinner. It was just so normal. I hope he enjoyed his day.

So yes Obama will be our new prez! I have to admit, I got emotional when it was announced. I didn't think I would but the tears just kinda welled up. I was a history major so I think it affected me in that historical significance sense. The image of Colin Powell looking like he's ready to sob was also striking. It was great, just great.

Anyways, so yes that's what's been going on. Lots of newness. New chemo, new cat, new bag, new shoes, new clothes, new energy.

The only thing that will suck about moving in with Clay is that I have so many address labels with my current address. I would have to throw them all away. These are my charity address labels too. I would have to start all over again. And I saved the nice ones too.

I forgot to mention, British MOPP doesn't make my hair fall out! So it's growing in all lush and curly. Way too curly. The best thing that's happened is that I feel normal again. Well, as normal as I'm going to get that is.

I Miss Pizza Bagels

Ever since I left college, I've never found a place where they make pizza bagels like they did at Collegetown Bagels. I really miss them! They were so delicious.......

So I never mentioned this before but 3 months ago I had a stent put in (long painful story) and today it was taken out. I thought it would be replaced but apparently I don't need it anymore. Bye bye little stent! Considering the surgery was only 1 hour, we were at the hospital for 6 hours. Crazy huh?

Tomorrow I return for a blood transfusion. I needed it last Thursday but I rebelled and made the appointment for tomorrow instead. This is the problem, granted I know it's my health we're talking about here but I'm trying so hard to balance my health and work. I've already missed so many days of work because I get sick easily. Every month I call out for one thing or another. So the things that I can do on my days off, I do. Now, I had been feeling tired but my red blood count was just under the transfusion level so I figured I'd be ok for a few more days until my next day off (otherwise I would have had to call out again). Of course the nurses (who make a big deal out of everything) told me I might faint but of course I never did, I just felt super tired but it was manageable. Anyways, so tomorrow I'm getting another stranger's blood again and hopefully it's from some young nerdy college student who never drinks and is still a virgin so I'll be getting some pristine blood.

Well, today I'm taking my laptop to a repair shop to see if it can be fixed. Of course the 3 places I called lectured me about not bringing it in earlier. Again, should have known better. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon and it won't cost me more than the laptop did. Well, it won't cost my brother that is.

I feel like I missed out on summer. I was sick almost the whole time and then working too much to enjoy it. Well it was too hot outside anyways, and way too air conditioned indoors everywhere else. I couldn't win.

My favorite part of the summer ending soon? Fall fashion season!!! Yup, beautiful new boots have started hitting the stores. Ahhhhh, how wonderful!

Thank God August Is Almost Over!

So I've been hiding even more than usual lately. First of all, since July through now I've been working 10 hour days, not including the 2 hours total daily commute. I wake up about 7:30 am and usually don't get home till almost 9pm. 2 hours later I need to be going to sleep if I don't want to feel like shit the next day. The summer months are tourist season so they are the busiest which means we stay open later and it doesn't help that we're understaffed as well.

And then of course I had like a 3 week long cold that is finally starting to go away but gave me hell the first 2 weeks. Mind you, I gave it to Clay and he got over it within 4 days and a co-worker who got over it in a week. Damn my weak immune system! So I'm just starting to feel normal again. Starting September 1st we go back to our regular hours finally. It's not that much of a difference but I'd rather get out at 6:30pm than 8pm.

My friend Jorge is getting married in about a month and I still haven't booked a hotel or purchased a gift. I'll need to get on that soon.

For Christmas (of last year) Clay gave me a gift certificate for a day at the spa that I never used until today. It was heaven. I got a massage, back scrub, facial, and a paraffin hand and foot treatment. It took about 4 hours for everything. It was just what I needed. I've been stressing about work too much and this was a great way to relax. Afterward I bought my family Shakey's (one of my favorite pizza places mostly because we used to go there often as kids) and it felt like a good day. I might try to make a massage and facial a monthly routine, depending on my finances.

Last week we took my brother Diego Back to School shopping and I have to say, another great day. So we go to this place called the Warehouse Shoe Sale to buy his shoes (a chain where they sell casual shoes, mostly sneakers of different brands) and they had this contest going on where they gave you a scratcher if you bought anything and you could win a gift card or cash. I'm paying for 3 pairs of shoes when they give me the scratcher and I hand it to Diego because I never win anything so I can't be bothered to scratch it. Turns out it was a winning ticket and we win a $100 gift card. And the employees all clap, they ring a bell, it's a big to do. My mom, Diego, and I all talk about the different circumstances that lead us to the register at the right time to be given a winning ticket. We had talked about going to another store, I insisted Diego get another pair of shoes (timing), and then the employee gave us the last ticket instead of the one on top of the stack. So my mom grabbed a pair of sneakers for herself and we walked out happily having spent less than $100 for 4 pairs of shoes.

Then we went to Target to buy more school stuff and afterwards I took them both out to Red Lobster, which I like and they'd never been to. It was a great way to end the day.

It feels good to do things with and for your family. My mom sometimes tries to thank me too much and she doesn't realize the pleasure it gives me to do everyday things with her and them and do things for them that they wouldn't have done themselves. Even if it's something as simple as bringing pizza home.

In September I'm going to work less hours a day but I'll work more days in a row. Since I work retail, I'm not used to working 5 days straight since I don't get weekends off usually. But because of the days I need off for doctor's appointments and Jorge's wedding, I'll be working quite a few days back to back before I get a day off. My store director said I could come in later on any given day if I needed the extra rest and I think I may actually take her up on the offer at some point.

So I have bad news. One of my brothers spilled orange juice on my laptop and now it's not working. I feel really bad and I don't know what to do. He's offered to fix it (through a friend of a friend) but it's been 2 weeks now and he hasn't done anything and I don't know where to take it. Where does one take laptops that have had something spilt on them? I hate that I have to charge him for it but I don't feel like covering the cost for damage I didn't do. Thankfully he's offered to pay for the repair but I still hate that this happened. It wasn't an expensive laptop but it's the one Clay gave me when I was in City of Hope during my first transplant so that I would have something to do when no one was there. He's also not very happy about the situation. It just makes me feel like I lent someone something special to me and they messed it up and I feel partially responsible because maybe I shouldn't have lent it out. This week is the deadline I gave my brother to try to fix it before I started my own research, which I should have really done already. God I hope it's something that can be fixed, and hopefully quickly.

My next treat to myself is to go shopping. I need new jeans more than anything. It's disheartening when nothing in your closet fits because you've lost too much weight and everything just hangs. I want to get jeans that fit and that I'll feel good in.

I need to get out of the rut I'm in. I used to care about clothes and looking nice. Lately I've just been wearing pajamas because all I want to do is hang out in bed. I need to get up, go shopping, go to the spa, go to the movies, have coffee with friends, do things with my boyfriend. Now if only I'd stop getting sick, maybe I can make some of those things happen.....

More bad news, my hair is starting to fall out again. Hair loss was a side effect of the pills I'm currently on but it took 3 months before it started to kick in. I was hoping it was a side effect I wouldn't get but unfortunately, that wasn't to be. It's gradual but I already notice the difference. I'm hoping it won't get to the point where I need to wear a wig to work but I think it will, unless I switch medication to something that doesn't cause hair loss but just about everything does. We'll see what happens.

Well, time to go to bed............

What A Week

So I won't get into the details of all that has happened last month. Let's just say I was sick often. It sucks that being sick, of one thing or another, has become somewhat normal at this point. But I try really hard to get better as soon as possible so that I can continue with the routines I'm comfortable with.

So I'm happy to say that my journey to financial stability is going well. This month I will have paid off 3 credit cards and that makes me really, 3 less bills to pay :) I have to say, what I love about my job is how it's made money not be an issue in my life. I don't really spend money like I used to so it's become easy to just pay off some of my debt and help my family too. Yes people, I party no more. I don't even drink anymore, that's right, no more drinking. I take daily chemotherapy pills so I've cut alcohol out as a result. I thought I would miss going to the occasional bar but it's not that bad. I've adjusted to life without the nightlife.

It's strange, last year I was getting ready for my first transplant. It was a scary time. I didn't know what to expect. I don't know if now is any different. I'm no longer scared, but I just don't know what to expect. So I just continue with my routines and try not to think too far into the future.

Work was hectic this week. The president of our company came to visit so we worked longer hours than usual, including a half day on one of our days off. Last month I didn't do so well but I've shrugged off last month's negative energy. This is a new month and it will be different. I WILL do better this month (i.e. have higher sales).

Clay will be away this week. He is spending a week in Alaska with his dad. He's doing a lot of cool things but the one thing I'm most jealous of is that he is going dog sledding, which sounds awesome. Alaska is one of those places that I may not ever want to plan on going but will always think is a cool place to go.

Tomorrow is my day off and I can't wait to sleep in. Heaven.

My friend Jorge is getting married in September and I've been too lazy to start planning where Clay and I will stay for the weekend. I need to get up on it soon.

I'll try to write again soon, I'm a little tired now and boy is it hot in my room. Time for some air conditioning.....

One Month Later

I didn't realize it had been this long since I'd last written.

So my mom and I went to Las Vegas and it was a lot of fun. We definitely walked around a lot. It's funny because usually by midnight I was dead tired and my mom still wanted another margarita. It was definitely good times. On Friday night we did get to see Phantom of the Opera, which I loved, and Saturday night we saw Mystere. I introduced her to the joys of the quarter Wheel Of Fortune slots. It was fun. I'm really glad we went. I feel like I'd like to make it a tradition, every year for her birthday we go somewhere she's never been. Anyways, when I stop being lazy I'll post the pictures from our trip.

So a couple weeks ago I started having breathing problems. It was mild but I noticed that sometimes I'd get out of breath fairly easily. It sort of went away after a few days but my doctor prescribed an inhaler just in case. Well 2 weeks ago, I started having breathing problems again. The thing is, the beginning of April I'd had a CT scan and it showed everything was stable, not any better but not any worse. A week later I was having so much trouble breathing (the inhaler was only mildly helping) that I called out of work and went to the hospital instead. Well that same day I had another CT scan and it showed that I had a lot of inflammation in my lungs so I ended up just being admitted into the hospital. That was last week Wednesday.

I was put on oxygen as soon as I was admitted because my oxygen levels were so low. The next day, Thursday, I had a bronchoscopy but my breathing was so bad I was moved into ICU so that they could monitor me more closely. So I spent the weekend in ICU and on Sunday was moved to DCU (Definitive Care Unit), which apparently is when you're well enough to leave ICU but not well enough to move to the regular floors. Finally yesterday I moved out of DCU and went into the regular rooms and today I was discharged and finally got to go home.

During this entire time they're trying to figure out what is wrong but all the tests come back negative so they don't really give me anything that makes me feel better other than an oxygen mask. So I kind of had to just suffer through it and slowly get better on my own. Ultimately I left the hospital today with no definite diagnosis of what could have caused my breathing troubles. They have 3 different theories. 1) It was an atypical infection, maybe a virus, and because I have a weak immune system, I had an acute reaction to it. 2) It is a reaction to the chemotherapy. 3) The Hodgkin's may have invaded my lungs. Now, the problems with the last one is that I had 2 CT scans a week apart and the first was clear but the 2nd immediately showed the problems in my lungs. It seems highly unlikely that Hodgkin's would have spread that quickly in a week's time. That and I slowly started getting better on my own, if it was Hodgkin's, I wouldn't have gotten better. That leaves just 1 and 2. And they don't know which one it might be. Personally, I think it was an infection just because I also had fevers that eventually went away. But apparently the fevers don't prove anything.

At one point, they suggested I have a lung biopsy and at first I was for it but once I realized the risks that were involved and the 2 weeks of recovery that would be needed, I decided against it. The problem with the biopsy is that it could have revealed what I had, but it could also have come up negative and we'd be back where we started. Basically all the tests were proving what it was not, but never what it was.

I have to say, it was pretty bad in the beginning. I literally could not breath. My breathing was ragged and even speaking left me struggling for air. Emotionally, it was also very hard. It was hard to end up in the hospital again after a period in which I felt like things had fallen into place and I had settled into a routine. I hated that it reminded me that my health was not secure and stable. That an infection could lay me out like this. The fact that I had trouble breathing did not help, I kept feeling like I was suffocating. It was really awful, more so emotionally than physically. Usually I'm pretty good about staying positive but this really brought me down. Only because I felt like my dreams were crashing around me. At the time, the doctors were more pessimistic and made it seem like I would be in the hospital much longer than I actually was. So I just felt like, here I was feeling like I could do this, I could live with cancer and still be fairly normal. But this incident reminded me that living with cancer would still involve the occasional bump in the road.

I'm just glad I'm feeling better. I'm still not completely fine but I no longer need the oxygen and it's not painful to take a deep breath anymore. Too much exertion still leaves me a little winded though. I've gotten better because all I did was lay in bed and not move. Moving makes my oxygen levels drop somewhat. But I need to move, my lungs need to get used to the activity. Hopefully in the next couple of days I'll be able to get moving a little bit without getting too much out of breath.

Today was the annual Bone Marrow Transplant survivors reunion at City of Hope. I had wanted to go but obviously couldn't. I regret that I missed it because I did want to see people who'd had a transplant and see how they were doing months and years past it. Guess I'll go next year.....

It feels good to be home. It feels good to be able to breath.

By the way, I got my driving permit 3 weeks ago. I know, I know, finally. I've had it before, I just never actually take the actual driving test to get my license. Clay says he'll help me practice in his car, which is a Volvo. It's a little scary because it's so wide. But I'm excited! And scared all at once. God I wish LA was like NYC, then this wouldn't be an issue.

It's been an emotional roller coaster. I can't wait to go back to work. I don't know yet what this health episode will mean for my current cancer treatment. My doctor and I discussed stopping chemotherapy (in case it was chemo related) and trying a new experimental drug. I'm just hesitant because of the side effects. But then again, everything has it's side effects. We'll see, we'll have to decide next next.

Again, my mom was..... simply wonderful. Her constant presence made me feel not as lonely. It was a great great comfort. When I was alone, it was too easy to sink into the darkness. It made me feel good knowing that she was by my side, even just watching TV.

So my fish is still alive! I know, I announce this at every post like it's unusual that my fish should survive my care.

My sister graduates from grad school in June so my family will be traveling to Seattle then. I wonder if it's just a bigger version of Ithaca? I'll be looking forward to the trip.

So yeah, that was my month. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad the weather is warming up. I think I'm going to start wearing my masks again. I wonder if I became lax in my care towards my health. I need to focus on being healthy again. Eating better. Wearing my mask. Resting more. I can't wait to go back to work.

Blog Sweet Blog

Oh it feels so good to write again! Work, Clay, and sleeping take up so much of my time now.

So my mom's birthday is this Saturday and she and I are going to Las Vegas for her birthday. Clay had to work and Diego has a Latin convention he's going to. So it's just us girls, lol. We're staying at Excalibur and watching Cirque du Soleil's Mystere on Saturday night. I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to it. We leave tomorrow at like 12 and we get in at about 1pm. We're flying out since it really was the simplest option. We come back at like 12:30pm on Sunday. I'm so glad it's finally here! I'd also like to catch the Phantom of the Opera Spectacular on Friday night but I don't know if that's too much. I've seen the Broadway show in NYC but I'm not sure my mom will like it. Anyways, I can't wait to take her around and look at all the casinos. She always says that she likes to travel but she never gets a chance to go anywhere. I just want to thank her for all her love, support, and sacrifice this past year. At least for a weekend, I want it to be just about her.

So I've been really boring and I really don't do anything but go to work, spend a few precious hours with Clay, sleep, and go to the hospital once a week either for chemo or dressing changes for my PICC line. I think Clay and I have been out to dinner maybe 4 times since mid-January. But he's been working alot of overtime over the past month and my work and commute take up almost 12 hours of my day. By the time I get to Clay's or home, I'm ready to just go to bed. I'd gotten used to all my free time! But like I've said before, it feels good to work.

I feel like my future has opened up with so many possibilities. It just feels good to think about making plans, short and long term. It's weird when I think about my life because it's become split in 2, pre Hodgkin's and post Hodgkin's. My pre Hodgkin's life feels like it was forever ago. Things are so different now. I look different, I act differently, I have a new job, new goals....... I even dress differently. It's better now, much better. But it's different.

I have a fish but I want another pet. Ideally I'd like a cat. Did I mention my last cat died? I don't know if I did. It was under very mysterious circumstances. She'd gotten into a bad habit of sneaking out of the house for days and one day my brother Eduardo found her dead in the front yard. It was very strange and I have no idea what happened to her. Maybe I shouldn't get another pet. Apparently I'm not a very good caretaker. Things changed when I couldn't keep her in my room anymore. When I think of her, I really miss her and I am saddened that something happened to her because I couldn't take care of her anymore. My mom is not to happy about the idea of me getting another cat. I understand her concern, she worries that my immune system is not strong enough to handle the pet hair and clean up. I understand clearly, but I still want another pet. I wonder if I just get one of those self cleaning litter boxes then I wouldn't handle the cat's business and therefore, would be able to have one. It's something I'll have to ask the doctor too, he might not be too crazy about the idea either. My fish just might have to be enough for now.

So that's what's been up lately. I've gone to church twice with my mom these past 2 Sundays and that was great too, spending time with her doing what she likes to do. Clay and I are trying to plan our future together and it makes me happy to think that he will always be in my life. It's a good feeling to have, to know that you love and are loved.

Life is good.

Good News

I know, I've been gone awhile. I've just been really busy with work.

Anyways, I'm writing because I want to share some good news. I received the results of my last CT scan in February and they are........ great! There was a decrease in size in all my affected lymph nodes so the new chemo is working well so far. I'll continue with this chemo until my results plateau. It was great news and I was extremely happy with it. So we'll see how it goes!

So my mom's birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I want to do something really special for her. I either take her to Ensenada or Las Vegas for the weekend. I'm still going back and forth on it but I need to decide soon to book the hotel reservations wherever we decide to go. My mom, Clay, Diego, and I are all going and all of us seem to be indecisive on the destination. Either way, we're going somewhere!

I'd write more but I'll have to save that for hopefully sooner than later.

Welcome Home Mami!

My mom is coming home tonight! It'll be so good to have her home.

So I went back to work this last Monday. This week I only worked part-time but next week I'll work a couple more hours. I'm really glad I went back to work. It's really helped me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had gotten stuck in a mind set where I felt like a sick person who was not recovering. I was scared of doing the things I had to do once I went back to work. And they were simple things like being around people, walking, being on my feet instead of in bed all day....... pretty much just being active. I'd stopped being active for several several months. But going back to work made me more active. And it made me see that I would be ok being more active. So that has made me really happy.

The eating is getting better. Unfortunately I've lost more weight but since returning to work I've been eating more so I hope I'll see a difference in a few weeks. My hair continues to grow and I've gotten lots of compliments. I don't care why I'm getting them but it's definitely nice.

I like to think that I've become a more financially responsible person and I hope to continue that this year. I spent too much money during Christmas but I'm finally putting money in my savings again.

Chemotherapy is going well. The first time was definitely a little scary. The second time I slept the entire time. The third time I did get sick afterwards but by the evening of the following day I felt normal again. This week I had a break which was wonderful. I only had to go to the hospital to get a dressing change for my PICC line. The doctor told me that after this 4th time I'll get a CT scan and then maybe another 2 sessions and then see what the results of the scan are.

So I went to the San Diego Zoo last weekend and had a lot of fun. I loved seeing the hippos, the panda, and a monkey family sitting next to a giant orangutan. The monkey family was probably the cutest by far. I had a little mishap where I threw up while we were in line to get on this Skyfari thing but other than that the day was great. Clay, Diego, and I went. Afterwards we went to the Stinking Rose for dinner (and had the most delicious calamari and crab legs) and then to the movies to watch Juno, which I loved. Definitely a great weekend before going back to work.

So my mom had these 3 parakeets that we forgot to feed while she was gone and they died. I didn't want her to come home to find out her birds had died so today Clay, Diego, and I went on the hunt for replacement parakeets. We had taken pictures of the dead ones to get the colors right but we forgot to look at the sex of the birds (which you can apparently determine by the color of their nose) so we ended up just buying 3 birds that looked like her last ones but that might not be the same sexes. I hoped she wouldn't notice and was just gonna play dumb if she asked too many questions but I realize now that she might actually really notice that they're not the same birds. But I figured new birds is better than no birds so I hope she feels the same way and is not too upset when she discovers the truth.

I mentioned before that Jada, our other pitbull, had 8 puppies in December. Well here's the update. Four died and one was stolen (we think) in the middle of the night so now there are only 3 left but they are healthy and have finally opened their eyes. We used to keep them on the side of the house but after one turned up missing, we brought them inside the house. They still sleep all the time but pretty soon they'll be cute playful puppies.

So the craziest thing happened on my first day of work. When I lived in Ithaca and worked as an Estee Lauder beauty advisor at The Bon-Ton, there used to be this girl who was a Cornell student that came in regularly to buy Estee Lauder products from me. I never interacted with her at school, only at my job then. Well, sometime the summer of 2006 I was working at Bloomingdale's and she comes into the store and remembers me. It was so crazy. She gave me her email and phone number and I promised to get in contact. However, a month later I received my diagnosis and I never contacted her. I had actually really wanted to call her but never did because I just thought it would be weird calling someone I had just met again and then telling them something that was at the time very personal and heavy to deal with. I just didn't want to be that girl that you thought would call you for drinks and then calls to tell you she has cancer. So I never called her and I felt guilty about it because she had seemed really nice and sincere. So flash forward almost a year and a half later and who do I see my first day back? That same girl! It was so unbelievable. I actually ended up telling her what happened and why I never called. She was, again, so nice and sweet and told me again that she would love to hear from me whenever I wanted someone to have coffee with. I don't know, this was a crazy coincidence for me so I thought it was cool. Like twice when I was in college, I was in New York City and ran into people from Cornell randomly on the street. This was like that. I thought it was cool.

Anyways, so that's pretty much all that has happened since my last post. I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. I'm so so lucky to have so many good people in my life. I can only hope to offer the same kind of support and love in return.

Don't Know Why I Bothered To Write

I miss my mom.

I feel lonely sometimes. I think going back to work will help.

I've been having pain in the joints of my fingers and toes. I have a feeling it's the chemotherapy.

I'm just sad.

I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe. We'll see.

Sad News

I've been thinking of a million ways to begin this sentence and I realized I'm just going to say it. My maternal grandmother died yesterday. The news was devastating but we should have been expecting it. She had been really sick and had only gotten slightly better. The news hasn't really hit me personally yet because my main concern has been my mom. It's like one of those moments, how can you ever really understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through it yourself? I can't even begin to comprehend my mother's grief and pain. We were able to get her on a flight last night to Nicaragua so she could go home for the funeral. I wanted to go with her but I couldn't. I am sad mostly because it breaks my heart to see my mother, my mother who has always seemed so strong, be torn by grief and sorrow. How can I console her? What can I do for her? I did what I know she would have done in the same situation: I bought velas. I didn't know what saints to buy so I just bought a bunch of them and lit them. I don't pray but last night I prayed for my mom. I prayed to God and the Virgencita to give her strength, support, and comfort. I just feel so helpless. How do you comfort someone who has suffered a great loss?

I have to say, my boyfriend Clay was so helpful last night, I can't thank him enough. It was one of those moments where he helped me remain calm in a situation where I had to be the strong one, even though I just wanted to cry too. He was the one who took us to the airport and kind of helped us get help quickly. He helped the person who means the universe to me and for that I just love him more and more. All this year he's just always been there, understanding, supporting, calming, soothing, and loving. I'm lucky to have him, lucky that he loves me. I can only hope that I can do for him what he has done for me, which is make me happy and make me feel secure and hopeful of the future.

2008 Whoo!

So I finally have my PICC line and it's not that bad actually. And unlike my Hickman catheter, I don't have to do any maintenance work, I go to the hospital once a week and the nurses change my dressing and flush the catheters for me. It is also convenient because I do it the same day as my chemo so I'm already there. The chemo this time around really is so much more tolerable. I don't get nauseous at all. I've gone in twice so far and I'm usually done after 3 hours. More than anything, it's my own nervousness that gets to me. The first session, just looking at the saline IV bags made me want to throw up so I know my problem right now is all psychological.

The Rosebowl was amazing. It was just a total day experience. We all woke up early, Clay came to pick us up at my house at about 9am and we went to downtown LA where we took the Metro to Pasadena to avoid having to deal with the hassle of traffic or parking. There was a shuttle that would take people from the Metro station to the stadium but it was like 3 blocks long so we decided to walk there instead. It was like the neverending walk. Seriously, we walked for like an hour and there were tons of us making the trek. The funniest thing, this little kid who looked like he was 7 was out selling bottles of water by himself. He was filling the ice buckets with bottles of water and he had a wad of cash in his little hand. It was cute and disturbing all at the same time. I was like, he is so cute but where the hell are his parents?? Once we finally got to the stadium we went to a tailgate set up by my sister's best friend's family. It was pretty sweet. They had a tent, a barbeque, a HDTV. It was pretty cool. So we sat there, drank beer and ate hamburgers until the beginning of the first quarter. I have pictures that I'll try to post later. It was just cool, jets flew overhead and we had great seats. The game was amazing and really it was just so cool, everything. It was fun fun times. And the next day even my hands were sore from all my clapping and cheering. It was worth it.

So I've decided to become a football fan. Yes, me Maria Morales is now officially a Washington Redskins fan. Now, I would like to point out that my boyfriend is a Redskins fan and we've been watching the games together so it was inevitable. Too bad they're out of the playoffs though. Oh well, next year, next year. :)

Just One More Day

So I didn't get my PICC line put in today. I called to reschedule for tomorrow. And I don't regret it.

Erasto and I have decided to watch all the movies that will be Golden Globe and Oscar Awards contenders. We have a lot of movie time we need to log in. I haven't seen anything but I Am Legend. It was ok. Not the type of movie I usually watch but it wasn't that bad. For some reason, I thought it was a sequel to I, Robot, I know, it was stupid because it wasn't. I really want to watch Atonement, Charlie Wilson's War, Sweeney Todd, and still Across the Universe. I recently saw Akeelah and the Bee which was cute, not amazing but pretty good. There was a quote that is among the main themes for the movie which I really liked and had actually heard before. Here is the quote in its entirety:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

I think it's a great quote. To realize that you stop yourself from succeeding because you don't think you deserve it. But once you allow yourself to strive for success, the people around you are inspired to do the same.

The movie did make me think of when I was in Academic Decathlon in high school. When I first became a member, no one in my high school had ever heard of it and even we had no idea of the rigorous studying it would require. But we were competing in the Los Angeles Unified School District so we learned very quickly how important AD was. I was in it for 3 years and I like knowing that each year we improved greatly. We were never #1 but we made it to the top 10 my last year. It was a great experience and it prepared me for college better than anything else. Pretty good recommendation Marty.

Anyways, I'm gonna go watch She-Ra!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I know, it's been too long. I've been so busy lately. I'll start from where I left off.

So Bertha got here last last week on Tuesday (12/11). The following day we went dress shopping at the mall. I bought a hot pink dress that was pretty cute. Later that evening we met up with my friend Erasto and we went to West Hollywood to go eat at Fiesta Cantina, which is a gay bar. Turns out it was karaoke night and we ended up staying all night long. It was quite the experience, gay karaoke. First, guys singing girl songs. Second, singers with back up dancers. Third, the night ended with NSYNC Christmas songs. I had a blast.

The day of my birthday I went to a Lakers game with Bertha, Clay, and my brother Sergio. Clay got pretty good seats, the Lakers won, and we all had a great time, too much to drink but still lots of fun.

The next evening was when we went out for my official birthday dinner at the Melting Pot in Pasadena. It was pretty cool. It's a fondue restaurant so we had cheese fondue, salads, a selection of meat and seafood fondue, and then chocolate dessert fondue. I had a wonderful time and I'm happy my wonderful boyfriend arranged it. My sister and her boyfriend came to dinner but didn't go with us afterward to the Three of Clubs, my favorite 80's dive bar. It was a lot of fun.

I feel like I'm just listing things and then saying, "I had a lot of fun," but I did! I had a wonderful couple of days. Something else I bought was a pair of well-fitting jeans. All the jeans in my closet were sagging on me like I was a crack head. So this new pair of Miss Sixty jeans are my new favorites that I wear every time I leave the house not in sweats. I feel so chunty.

On Friday afternoon we went to a Salvador Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). It was actually amazing. I had never been a big fan of Dali but the exhibit really piqued my interest in his work. Bertha is a big fan so it was great having her knowledge. I never knew that Dali and Walt Disney planned on making an animated movie together. It was eventually completed but I think never distributed. I was able to see it at the exhibit and again, it was simply amazing. We found out about the exhibit by accident on Wednesday night when someone told us about it and I'm glad we had a chance to go while Bertha was here.

Bertha's last day was spent grabbing a late lunch at La La's, an Argentinean restaurant on Melrose, with some old college friends, Anabel and Karyna. It was strange to see Karyna again after so many years. We were roomates our senior year and had been great friends who ended up just losing touch. I thought about everything that had happened to me in those years after our time at Cornell and I wondered what the years had brought her. Unfortunately, because she had gotten lost and therefore arrived really late to the restaurant, I missed most of their catch up because I'd left with Erasto to browse at a nearby store. It was still great to see her, even for just a little bit.

For my birthday my sister gave me a shirt that said, "This Girl Can Party." Bertha's last night in LA I proved that this girl CAN'T party. Bertha, Clay, and I went to Clay's apartment where we talked and drank until about 10-10:30pm. I'd had 3 watered down vodka tonics and I was feeling pretty good. We get into this club that's a block down from Clay's apartment and have 1 shot of tequila. It was over for me. I got wasted, was dancing on an empty dance floor, and eventually had to get carried out by Clay and Bertha sometime between 11-11:30pm. That's right, I partied for about a whole hour. Clay took us home and I was passed out in my bed by midnight. Nice. I hope Bertha had fun in that one hour.

In my defense, I was so tired. I'd been exhausted all day and Clay and Bertha's solution was to give me a 5 hour energy drink. I probably should have just taken a nap but oh well! At least I think I had fun.

After dropping off Bertha at the airport, I went to this hotel in downtown LA called the Bonaventure where Clay had gotten me a gift card to their spa for a massage and facial. It felt like the perfect end to my week.

But it was back to work on Monday. I had a few doctor's appointments that week that would determine what my next course of treatment would be. I'll summarize.

I have a very aggressive and persistent cancer. I had the opportunity to look at slides from all the PET scans I'd taken and the difference between June 2007 and November 2007 was vast. It really is almost gone but a little bit persists in my chest and left and right abdomen area. It's that persistent little bit that's hard to treat. My options are: more chemotherapy (different drugs), an experimental drug (which turned out to be back ordered so, therefore, unavailable), or low dose radiation therapy.

I had started veering towards radiation only because I felt like maybe we should try something new but then they told me that it’s much easier to do radiation after chemo than chemo after radiation. I might limit my options if radiation doesn’t completely work (there is a tumor by my kidney and they might not be able to treat it because if my kidney receives radiation, I would definitely have kidney failure).

So to make a long story short, I’m choosing what I thought I never would: more chemotherapy. However, it seems as if some studies have shown that it might work and even if all it does is shrink my tumors just a little bit more, then the radiation doctor can use less radiation, which is better for me long term. They anticipate that I’ll be on this chemo for about a month and I’ll be coming in once a week. It’s suppose to be very tolerable and has few side effects. My doctor said I wouldn’t even lose my hair, which was pretty cool.

He said I could even go back to work! Of course I’m going to take it easy, I’m well aware of my physical limits. My emotional limits I’m not so sure about. I just hope I don’t break out into tears for no reason! It also wouldn’t be until after the New Year, maybe a week after.

So I feel like I’m back to the same place I was last year. But this time I’ve done more, seen more, and can therefore, handle more. I need a central line put in but I don’t want to have surgery for a port that will only be used for one month. So I’ve decided to get a PICC line put in instead. Isn’t that funny. Last year I kicked, punched, and screamed not to have a PICC line put in because it grossed me out. So I had a port put in. This year I was like, just give me the PICC line, I don’t care. So it was kinda funny.

I forgot to mention that Saturday afternoon I ended up in the ER. I woke up feeling so tired and started throwing and didn’t stop all morning. When we realized I also had a fever my mom took me to the hospital where I threw up walking up the ramp and while waiting in the ER line. They kept me overnight for observation and I stopped throwing up but still had a low fever. When they let me go, they told me I probably just had a viral infection. The doctor told me that viral infections manifest themselves where people have the most weakness. I guess mine is the gastro-intestinal area. They told me that because it was a viral infection, they couldn’t give me anything for it, it just had to work its way out of my body. It hasn’t been that bad, I’ve had the runs (sorry TMI) but other than that, I’ve just been really tired, my body hurts like hell at night though. Thank goodness I had some leftover Vicodine, it’s the only thing that has worked for the pain. I get the feeling that no one wants to prescribe it again (I'd only gotten it after surgeries) but I might have to get ghetto tomorrow because tonight is my last one and the pain is so bad I can’t sleep. Seriously, it’s pretty bad.

I’ve also had to adhere to a bland diet these last few days. Apparently greasy spicy food would irritate my stomach more and make the infection worse. So Christmas Eve I wasn’t the cheeriest person around. All I’d had for 2 1/2 days was jello and water. And my Christmas dinner was mashed potatoes and biscuits while everyone devoured their meaty, spicy, dinner.

But opening up gifts was a blast. Like most latino families, we open up our gifts on Christmas Eve, but us being impatient Morales’s, we opened them up at about 10pm instead of midnight. I had some great gifts. My sister got me grouchy cat slippers (apparently I’ve been grouchy lately), but I think this was all a ploy for her to get my Uggs. Since I’ll be using the slippers, I won’t be using the Uggs and guess what? I woke up this morning and they were gone and she was gone. Sneaky I tell you but very well thought out. I also got orange sheets (I have 3 orange dresses so I have to admit it‘s among my favorite colors by default), my favorite Season 1 Volume 1 of She-ra: Princess of Power (I watched it as a kid!!!), a drawing of pueblo people on a piece of bark (Diego knows I love art), socks, money, candy, a Best Buy gift card, a scarf, and I can’t remember what else. I have to say, I’m pretty broke after this but I couldn’t help myself. I had to. Clay gave me a framed picture of us which made me cry, it’s probably our first picture together that has been printed out and framed. But he also gave me another spa day, and this one is almost a day event that includes other services. I guess my extravagant praise of the first one convinced him it was a great idea that never gets old, lol.

Anyways, I think that’s it! That’s been my past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I get the PICC line put in and Friday I start chemotherapy. And next week, ROSEBOWL!!!

Short But Very Sweet :D

So Clay gave me my birthday present early and it was....... Surprise! A digital camera! I was so surprised! Anyways, it's a Sony Cyber-shot, hot pink, sleek, small, sexy, and it has a 2.5 inch touch screen. It was wonderful! He gave it to me early so that I can learn how to use it by the time of my birthday. Finally I can post pictures! But bear with as I am a techie dinosaur and it will take me awhile to figure out how to do it. And it's hot pink!

I've started my Christmas shopping and I have to say, I better be careful or my budget will spiral out of control. I feel like the people who renovate houses on Flip This House, when they start out with a plan and something happens and they run over budget and over their timeline. I will not be that last minute shopper this year! I've got good ideas and should have no major obstacles, except for unhelpful salespeople and crowded stores.

So I'm also in the market for a party/birthday dress. It kinda sucks right now actually that I've got a good fuzz going because when I was completely bald, I thought I looked not as bad. The fuzz makes me look disheveled somehow. It's like, nice dress, what's up with the hair?! I realized that I am going to have a bad growing out period, very bad........... scary even. You'll see. But anyways, yeah, the overall presentation is looking a little weird. I might have to compromise my values and wear The Wig.

Bertha comes tomorrow. I'll enlist her help in Operation Birthday Dress.

Unsmiley Face

I love the month of December. I’ve said this before but I just never get tired of saying it again. I love December. It’s the month of my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. I love the festivities of Christmas. I like the decorations, the gifts (honestly, even if I don’t get gifts, I love giving them, even when I wince at my bank balance), the movies (White Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original and the Jim Carey version), A Charlie Brown Christmas, and The Nightmare Before Christmas (who doesn’t love Tim Burton?)), and the holiday cheer most people adopt. I’ll tell you what I hate though, the crowded malls and the criminals who are stealing from everyone. Anyways, yeah, love Christmas.

And New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year! Except I won’t be celebrating too hard since I’m going to the Rose Bowl the next day!!!!! Oh you read right! My sister, Clay, my brother Eduardo, and I are going to go watch USC beat Illinois, lol. I’m so excited! I’ve been following USC football lately because of my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like a traitor, being so supportive of another school’s success. Cornell’s top quality education seems to get lost when the topic turns to football. Cornell I still love you, this is just a sleazy affair I’m having for now, I’m faithful to you!

You know, I can’t believe that I’ve been roped into going to so many football events. I mean, I like the atmosphere, but I still don’t know the rules of the sport. I can’t believe Clay has hoodwinked me into watching it so much! I swear, I guess that’s what I have to do so that he’ll go to the movies with me (he hates going to the movies, he gets antsy after an hour and a half).

Bertha is another one. Now I’m going to a Lakers game on my birthday because of her. Thanks Bertha! Lol, I’m just kidding! But I hate to break it to you, I don’t like any sports period, but I’m willing to go along for the ride. I’ve never been to a Lakers game so that’ll be my first one. I always end up having fun because of the people I go with so this won’t be different.

Next Friday, I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with Clay, my sister, her boyfriend Tito, Erasto, and Bertha. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s a fondue restaurant in Pasadena that Clay and I have only eaten at once (and at the bar for dessert only) because we always decide at the last minute to go and then get turned away because they’re booked for the night. So this time he made reservations and we’re going!

By the way, I’m finally walking normally again.

I think it’s funny when people that I barely spoke to at Cornell ask me to be their friend on My Space. It’s happened like 3 times now that someone from Cornell has asked me to be their My Space friend but we weren’t really “friends” in college. Then I’m torn between denying them (since I barely know them) or accepting them (school solidarity and maybe future networking?). So far I’ve accepted the invite but sometimes it kind of bothers me because I still don’t talk to them so it feels fake. I don’t want to be a My Space whore! But I feel guilty otherwise, so don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.

I’ve been in a bad mood lately. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I just felt like my doctor wasn’t very prepared. I thought I would be able to return to work at the end of this month but he flat out told me that was out of the question. He told me that although there was a lot of improvement, there were still areas that remained unchanged. He told me that he would discuss my case with other doctors and that he would call me either Wednesday or Thursday. He didn't call. All he said was that maybe more investigative treatments would be considered or another transplant, this time donor instead. I’m just sick and tired of these debilitating treatments.

I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know why these treatments are not working. What happened to most curable and most treatable cancer? It’s been over a year and I’m still considered a Stage 3. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I feel. All these months I’ve been going along with what the doctor’s suggest but then when it doesn’t work, I look at my doctor’s and they can’t give me any answer as to why it’s not working. I want some sort of answer? Anything! Why is it working for other people but not working for me? With my doctors, I’ve remained calm and complacent and maybe that’s why I’m mad now. I want to yell at them because I want to blame someone and it’s easy to blame them. I just want to see that their’s an end in sight and right now, there isn’t. Clay says I need to be patient but it’s easier said than done.

My job’s HR Department already sent me a letter saying I’d used up my allotted Medical Leave time. They sent me a package that needs to be filled out and faxed if I need more time. My doctor gave me a note for another 3 months for now. State Disability did the same thing, sent me a form that needs to be filled out and sent back. Everyone thought I was returning to work mid December. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck, relying on disability to pay my bills. I hate how isolated I feel from society at large. My hair is growing back in quickly and I just don’t want to lose it again. Like I said, I’m just in a bad/sad mood.

I forgot a friend’s birthday and realized it last night. My friend Jorge turned 28 some time the end of November and I forgot to call him. And of course I still didn’t call today. It’s because I’m in a bad mood, forgetful, and lazy.

I made a To Do list today and realized I really don’t have that much on the list which made me happy because I thought I had a lot of things to do. Most of it was forms that I have to drop off to my doctor to be filled out.

Last thing, I decided to get my brother Sergio a good chef’s knife and a paring knife for Christmas. I did research online and found a brand that I liked and that was reviewed really well on multiple sites. It’s one of those things that I never knew about and am now very well informed on. I was filled with that glee of knowing that you’re getting someone something you KNOW they will love. He’s had a couple of cook jobs and he really loves to cook so I know he’ll like the knives. He has an ok chef’s knife now that he guards jealously so I’m pretty excited about the one I’m getting him, which is suppose to be better. It makes me feel good to make people I love happy. So can’t wait till he opens it for Christmas!!!