Thank God August Is Almost Over!

So I've been hiding even more than usual lately. First of all, since July through now I've been working 10 hour days, not including the 2 hours total daily commute. I wake up about 7:30 am and usually don't get home till almost 9pm. 2 hours later I need to be going to sleep if I don't want to feel like shit the next day. The summer months are tourist season so they are the busiest which means we stay open later and it doesn't help that we're understaffed as well.

And then of course I had like a 3 week long cold that is finally starting to go away but gave me hell the first 2 weeks. Mind you, I gave it to Clay and he got over it within 4 days and a co-worker who got over it in a week. Damn my weak immune system! So I'm just starting to feel normal again. Starting September 1st we go back to our regular hours finally. It's not that much of a difference but I'd rather get out at 6:30pm than 8pm.

My friend Jorge is getting married in about a month and I still haven't booked a hotel or purchased a gift. I'll need to get on that soon.

For Christmas (of last year) Clay gave me a gift certificate for a day at the spa that I never used until today. It was heaven. I got a massage, back scrub, facial, and a paraffin hand and foot treatment. It took about 4 hours for everything. It was just what I needed. I've been stressing about work too much and this was a great way to relax. Afterward I bought my family Shakey's (one of my favorite pizza places mostly because we used to go there often as kids) and it felt like a good day. I might try to make a massage and facial a monthly routine, depending on my finances.

Last week we took my brother Diego Back to School shopping and I have to say, another great day. So we go to this place called the Warehouse Shoe Sale to buy his shoes (a chain where they sell casual shoes, mostly sneakers of different brands) and they had this contest going on where they gave you a scratcher if you bought anything and you could win a gift card or cash. I'm paying for 3 pairs of shoes when they give me the scratcher and I hand it to Diego because I never win anything so I can't be bothered to scratch it. Turns out it was a winning ticket and we win a $100 gift card. And the employees all clap, they ring a bell, it's a big to do. My mom, Diego, and I all talk about the different circumstances that lead us to the register at the right time to be given a winning ticket. We had talked about going to another store, I insisted Diego get another pair of shoes (timing), and then the employee gave us the last ticket instead of the one on top of the stack. So my mom grabbed a pair of sneakers for herself and we walked out happily having spent less than $100 for 4 pairs of shoes.

Then we went to Target to buy more school stuff and afterwards I took them both out to Red Lobster, which I like and they'd never been to. It was a great way to end the day.

It feels good to do things with and for your family. My mom sometimes tries to thank me too much and she doesn't realize the pleasure it gives me to do everyday things with her and them and do things for them that they wouldn't have done themselves. Even if it's something as simple as bringing pizza home.

In September I'm going to work less hours a day but I'll work more days in a row. Since I work retail, I'm not used to working 5 days straight since I don't get weekends off usually. But because of the days I need off for doctor's appointments and Jorge's wedding, I'll be working quite a few days back to back before I get a day off. My store director said I could come in later on any given day if I needed the extra rest and I think I may actually take her up on the offer at some point.

So I have bad news. One of my brothers spilled orange juice on my laptop and now it's not working. I feel really bad and I don't know what to do. He's offered to fix it (through a friend of a friend) but it's been 2 weeks now and he hasn't done anything and I don't know where to take it. Where does one take laptops that have had something spilt on them? I hate that I have to charge him for it but I don't feel like covering the cost for damage I didn't do. Thankfully he's offered to pay for the repair but I still hate that this happened. It wasn't an expensive laptop but it's the one Clay gave me when I was in City of Hope during my first transplant so that I would have something to do when no one was there. He's also not very happy about the situation. It just makes me feel like I lent someone something special to me and they messed it up and I feel partially responsible because maybe I shouldn't have lent it out. This week is the deadline I gave my brother to try to fix it before I started my own research, which I should have really done already. God I hope it's something that can be fixed, and hopefully quickly.

My next treat to myself is to go shopping. I need new jeans more than anything. It's disheartening when nothing in your closet fits because you've lost too much weight and everything just hangs. I want to get jeans that fit and that I'll feel good in.

I need to get out of the rut I'm in. I used to care about clothes and looking nice. Lately I've just been wearing pajamas because all I want to do is hang out in bed. I need to get up, go shopping, go to the spa, go to the movies, have coffee with friends, do things with my boyfriend. Now if only I'd stop getting sick, maybe I can make some of those things happen.....

More bad news, my hair is starting to fall out again. Hair loss was a side effect of the pills I'm currently on but it took 3 months before it started to kick in. I was hoping it was a side effect I wouldn't get but unfortunately, that wasn't to be. It's gradual but I already notice the difference. I'm hoping it won't get to the point where I need to wear a wig to work but I think it will, unless I switch medication to something that doesn't cause hair loss but just about everything does. We'll see what happens.

Well, time to go to bed............

What A Week

So I won't get into the details of all that has happened last month. Let's just say I was sick often. It sucks that being sick, of one thing or another, has become somewhat normal at this point. But I try really hard to get better as soon as possible so that I can continue with the routines I'm comfortable with.

So I'm happy to say that my journey to financial stability is going well. This month I will have paid off 3 credit cards and that makes me really, 3 less bills to pay :) I have to say, what I love about my job is how it's made money not be an issue in my life. I don't really spend money like I used to so it's become easy to just pay off some of my debt and help my family too. Yes people, I party no more. I don't even drink anymore, that's right, no more drinking. I take daily chemotherapy pills so I've cut alcohol out as a result. I thought I would miss going to the occasional bar but it's not that bad. I've adjusted to life without the nightlife.

It's strange, last year I was getting ready for my first transplant. It was a scary time. I didn't know what to expect. I don't know if now is any different. I'm no longer scared, but I just don't know what to expect. So I just continue with my routines and try not to think too far into the future.

Work was hectic this week. The president of our company came to visit so we worked longer hours than usual, including a half day on one of our days off. Last month I didn't do so well but I've shrugged off last month's negative energy. This is a new month and it will be different. I WILL do better this month (i.e. have higher sales).

Clay will be away this week. He is spending a week in Alaska with his dad. He's doing a lot of cool things but the one thing I'm most jealous of is that he is going dog sledding, which sounds awesome. Alaska is one of those places that I may not ever want to plan on going but will always think is a cool place to go.

Tomorrow is my day off and I can't wait to sleep in. Heaven.

My friend Jorge is getting married in September and I've been too lazy to start planning where Clay and I will stay for the weekend. I need to get up on it soon.

I'll try to write again soon, I'm a little tired now and boy is it hot in my room. Time for some air conditioning.....

One Month Later

I didn't realize it had been this long since I'd last written.

So my mom and I went to Las Vegas and it was a lot of fun. We definitely walked around a lot. It's funny because usually by midnight I was dead tired and my mom still wanted another margarita. It was definitely good times. On Friday night we did get to see Phantom of the Opera, which I loved, and Saturday night we saw Mystere. I introduced her to the joys of the quarter Wheel Of Fortune slots. It was fun. I'm really glad we went. I feel like I'd like to make it a tradition, every year for her birthday we go somewhere she's never been. Anyways, when I stop being lazy I'll post the pictures from our trip.

So a couple weeks ago I started having breathing problems. It was mild but I noticed that sometimes I'd get out of breath fairly easily. It sort of went away after a few days but my doctor prescribed an inhaler just in case. Well 2 weeks ago, I started having breathing problems again. The thing is, the beginning of April I'd had a CT scan and it showed everything was stable, not any better but not any worse. A week later I was having so much trouble breathing (the inhaler was only mildly helping) that I called out of work and went to the hospital instead. Well that same day I had another CT scan and it showed that I had a lot of inflammation in my lungs so I ended up just being admitted into the hospital. That was last week Wednesday.

I was put on oxygen as soon as I was admitted because my oxygen levels were so low. The next day, Thursday, I had a bronchoscopy but my breathing was so bad I was moved into ICU so that they could monitor me more closely. So I spent the weekend in ICU and on Sunday was moved to DCU (Definitive Care Unit), which apparently is when you're well enough to leave ICU but not well enough to move to the regular floors. Finally yesterday I moved out of DCU and went into the regular rooms and today I was discharged and finally got to go home.

During this entire time they're trying to figure out what is wrong but all the tests come back negative so they don't really give me anything that makes me feel better other than an oxygen mask. So I kind of had to just suffer through it and slowly get better on my own. Ultimately I left the hospital today with no definite diagnosis of what could have caused my breathing troubles. They have 3 different theories. 1) It was an atypical infection, maybe a virus, and because I have a weak immune system, I had an acute reaction to it. 2) It is a reaction to the chemotherapy. 3) The Hodgkin's may have invaded my lungs. Now, the problems with the last one is that I had 2 CT scans a week apart and the first was clear but the 2nd immediately showed the problems in my lungs. It seems highly unlikely that Hodgkin's would have spread that quickly in a week's time. That and I slowly started getting better on my own, if it was Hodgkin's, I wouldn't have gotten better. That leaves just 1 and 2. And they don't know which one it might be. Personally, I think it was an infection just because I also had fevers that eventually went away. But apparently the fevers don't prove anything.

At one point, they suggested I have a lung biopsy and at first I was for it but once I realized the risks that were involved and the 2 weeks of recovery that would be needed, I decided against it. The problem with the biopsy is that it could have revealed what I had, but it could also have come up negative and we'd be back where we started. Basically all the tests were proving what it was not, but never what it was.

I have to say, it was pretty bad in the beginning. I literally could not breath. My breathing was ragged and even speaking left me struggling for air. Emotionally, it was also very hard. It was hard to end up in the hospital again after a period in which I felt like things had fallen into place and I had settled into a routine. I hated that it reminded me that my health was not secure and stable. That an infection could lay me out like this. The fact that I had trouble breathing did not help, I kept feeling like I was suffocating. It was really awful, more so emotionally than physically. Usually I'm pretty good about staying positive but this really brought me down. Only because I felt like my dreams were crashing around me. At the time, the doctors were more pessimistic and made it seem like I would be in the hospital much longer than I actually was. So I just felt like, here I was feeling like I could do this, I could live with cancer and still be fairly normal. But this incident reminded me that living with cancer would still involve the occasional bump in the road.

I'm just glad I'm feeling better. I'm still not completely fine but I no longer need the oxygen and it's not painful to take a deep breath anymore. Too much exertion still leaves me a little winded though. I've gotten better because all I did was lay in bed and not move. Moving makes my oxygen levels drop somewhat. But I need to move, my lungs need to get used to the activity. Hopefully in the next couple of days I'll be able to get moving a little bit without getting too much out of breath.

Today was the annual Bone Marrow Transplant survivors reunion at City of Hope. I had wanted to go but obviously couldn't. I regret that I missed it because I did want to see people who'd had a transplant and see how they were doing months and years past it. Guess I'll go next year.....

It feels good to be home. It feels good to be able to breath.

By the way, I got my driving permit 3 weeks ago. I know, I know, finally. I've had it before, I just never actually take the actual driving test to get my license. Clay says he'll help me practice in his car, which is a Volvo. It's a little scary because it's so wide. But I'm excited! And scared all at once. God I wish LA was like NYC, then this wouldn't be an issue.

It's been an emotional roller coaster. I can't wait to go back to work. I don't know yet what this health episode will mean for my current cancer treatment. My doctor and I discussed stopping chemotherapy (in case it was chemo related) and trying a new experimental drug. I'm just hesitant because of the side effects. But then again, everything has it's side effects. We'll see, we'll have to decide next next.

Again, my mom was..... simply wonderful. Her constant presence made me feel not as lonely. It was a great great comfort. When I was alone, it was too easy to sink into the darkness. It made me feel good knowing that she was by my side, even just watching TV.

So my fish is still alive! I know, I announce this at every post like it's unusual that my fish should survive my care.

My sister graduates from grad school in June so my family will be traveling to Seattle then. I wonder if it's just a bigger version of Ithaca? I'll be looking forward to the trip.

So yeah, that was my month. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad the weather is warming up. I think I'm going to start wearing my masks again. I wonder if I became lax in my care towards my health. I need to focus on being healthy again. Eating better. Wearing my mask. Resting more. I can't wait to go back to work.

Blog Sweet Blog

Oh it feels so good to write again! Work, Clay, and sleeping take up so much of my time now.

So my mom's birthday is this Saturday and she and I are going to Las Vegas for her birthday. Clay had to work and Diego has a Latin convention he's going to. So it's just us girls, lol. We're staying at Excalibur and watching Cirque du Soleil's Mystere on Saturday night. I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to it. We leave tomorrow at like 12 and we get in at about 1pm. We're flying out since it really was the simplest option. We come back at like 12:30pm on Sunday. I'm so glad it's finally here! I'd also like to catch the Phantom of the Opera Spectacular on Friday night but I don't know if that's too much. I've seen the Broadway show in NYC but I'm not sure my mom will like it. Anyways, I can't wait to take her around and look at all the casinos. She always says that she likes to travel but she never gets a chance to go anywhere. I just want to thank her for all her love, support, and sacrifice this past year. At least for a weekend, I want it to be just about her.

So I've been really boring and I really don't do anything but go to work, spend a few precious hours with Clay, sleep, and go to the hospital once a week either for chemo or dressing changes for my PICC line. I think Clay and I have been out to dinner maybe 4 times since mid-January. But he's been working alot of overtime over the past month and my work and commute take up almost 12 hours of my day. By the time I get to Clay's or home, I'm ready to just go to bed. I'd gotten used to all my free time! But like I've said before, it feels good to work.

I feel like my future has opened up with so many possibilities. It just feels good to think about making plans, short and long term. It's weird when I think about my life because it's become split in 2, pre Hodgkin's and post Hodgkin's. My pre Hodgkin's life feels like it was forever ago. Things are so different now. I look different, I act differently, I have a new job, new goals....... I even dress differently. It's better now, much better. But it's different.

I have a fish but I want another pet. Ideally I'd like a cat. Did I mention my last cat died? I don't know if I did. It was under very mysterious circumstances. She'd gotten into a bad habit of sneaking out of the house for days and one day my brother Eduardo found her dead in the front yard. It was very strange and I have no idea what happened to her. Maybe I shouldn't get another pet. Apparently I'm not a very good caretaker. Things changed when I couldn't keep her in my room anymore. When I think of her, I really miss her and I am saddened that something happened to her because I couldn't take care of her anymore. My mom is not to happy about the idea of me getting another cat. I understand her concern, she worries that my immune system is not strong enough to handle the pet hair and clean up. I understand clearly, but I still want another pet. I wonder if I just get one of those self cleaning litter boxes then I wouldn't handle the cat's business and therefore, would be able to have one. It's something I'll have to ask the doctor too, he might not be too crazy about the idea either. My fish just might have to be enough for now.

So that's what's been up lately. I've gone to church twice with my mom these past 2 Sundays and that was great too, spending time with her doing what she likes to do. Clay and I are trying to plan our future together and it makes me happy to think that he will always be in my life. It's a good feeling to have, to know that you love and are loved.

Life is good.

Good News

I know, I've been gone awhile. I've just been really busy with work.

Anyways, I'm writing because I want to share some good news. I received the results of my last CT scan in February and they are........ great! There was a decrease in size in all my affected lymph nodes so the new chemo is working well so far. I'll continue with this chemo until my results plateau. It was great news and I was extremely happy with it. So we'll see how it goes!

So my mom's birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I want to do something really special for her. I either take her to Ensenada or Las Vegas for the weekend. I'm still going back and forth on it but I need to decide soon to book the hotel reservations wherever we decide to go. My mom, Clay, Diego, and I are all going and all of us seem to be indecisive on the destination. Either way, we're going somewhere!

I'd write more but I'll have to save that for hopefully sooner than later.

Welcome Home Mami!

My mom is coming home tonight! It'll be so good to have her home.

So I went back to work this last Monday. This week I only worked part-time but next week I'll work a couple more hours. I'm really glad I went back to work. It's really helped me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had gotten stuck in a mind set where I felt like a sick person who was not recovering. I was scared of doing the things I had to do once I went back to work. And they were simple things like being around people, walking, being on my feet instead of in bed all day....... pretty much just being active. I'd stopped being active for several several months. But going back to work made me more active. And it made me see that I would be ok being more active. So that has made me really happy.

The eating is getting better. Unfortunately I've lost more weight but since returning to work I've been eating more so I hope I'll see a difference in a few weeks. My hair continues to grow and I've gotten lots of compliments. I don't care why I'm getting them but it's definitely nice.

I like to think that I've become a more financially responsible person and I hope to continue that this year. I spent too much money during Christmas but I'm finally putting money in my savings again.

Chemotherapy is going well. The first time was definitely a little scary. The second time I slept the entire time. The third time I did get sick afterwards but by the evening of the following day I felt normal again. This week I had a break which was wonderful. I only had to go to the hospital to get a dressing change for my PICC line. The doctor told me that after this 4th time I'll get a CT scan and then maybe another 2 sessions and then see what the results of the scan are.

So I went to the San Diego Zoo last weekend and had a lot of fun. I loved seeing the hippos, the panda, and a monkey family sitting next to a giant orangutan. The monkey family was probably the cutest by far. I had a little mishap where I threw up while we were in line to get on this Skyfari thing but other than that the day was great. Clay, Diego, and I went. Afterwards we went to the Stinking Rose for dinner (and had the most delicious calamari and crab legs) and then to the movies to watch Juno, which I loved. Definitely a great weekend before going back to work.

So my mom had these 3 parakeets that we forgot to feed while she was gone and they died. I didn't want her to come home to find out her birds had died so today Clay, Diego, and I went on the hunt for replacement parakeets. We had taken pictures of the dead ones to get the colors right but we forgot to look at the sex of the birds (which you can apparently determine by the color of their nose) so we ended up just buying 3 birds that looked like her last ones but that might not be the same sexes. I hoped she wouldn't notice and was just gonna play dumb if she asked too many questions but I realize now that she might actually really notice that they're not the same birds. But I figured new birds is better than no birds so I hope she feels the same way and is not too upset when she discovers the truth.

I mentioned before that Jada, our other pitbull, had 8 puppies in December. Well here's the update. Four died and one was stolen (we think) in the middle of the night so now there are only 3 left but they are healthy and have finally opened their eyes. We used to keep them on the side of the house but after one turned up missing, we brought them inside the house. They still sleep all the time but pretty soon they'll be cute playful puppies.

So the craziest thing happened on my first day of work. When I lived in Ithaca and worked as an Estee Lauder beauty advisor at The Bon-Ton, there used to be this girl who was a Cornell student that came in regularly to buy Estee Lauder products from me. I never interacted with her at school, only at my job then. Well, sometime the summer of 2006 I was working at Bloomingdale's and she comes into the store and remembers me. It was so crazy. She gave me her email and phone number and I promised to get in contact. However, a month later I received my diagnosis and I never contacted her. I had actually really wanted to call her but never did because I just thought it would be weird calling someone I had just met again and then telling them something that was at the time very personal and heavy to deal with. I just didn't want to be that girl that you thought would call you for drinks and then calls to tell you she has cancer. So I never called her and I felt guilty about it because she had seemed really nice and sincere. So flash forward almost a year and a half later and who do I see my first day back? That same girl! It was so unbelievable. I actually ended up telling her what happened and why I never called. She was, again, so nice and sweet and told me again that she would love to hear from me whenever I wanted someone to have coffee with. I don't know, this was a crazy coincidence for me so I thought it was cool. Like twice when I was in college, I was in New York City and ran into people from Cornell randomly on the street. This was like that. I thought it was cool.

Anyways, so that's pretty much all that has happened since my last post. I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive. I'm so so lucky to have so many good people in my life. I can only hope to offer the same kind of support and love in return.

Don't Know Why I Bothered To Write

I miss my mom.

I feel lonely sometimes. I think going back to work will help.

I've been having pain in the joints of my fingers and toes. I have a feeling it's the chemotherapy.

I'm just sad.

I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe. We'll see.

Sad News

I've been thinking of a million ways to begin this sentence and I realized I'm just going to say it. My maternal grandmother died yesterday. The news was devastating but we should have been expecting it. She had been really sick and had only gotten slightly better. The news hasn't really hit me personally yet because my main concern has been my mom. It's like one of those moments, how can you ever really understand what someone is going through unless you've gone through it yourself? I can't even begin to comprehend my mother's grief and pain. We were able to get her on a flight last night to Nicaragua so she could go home for the funeral. I wanted to go with her but I couldn't. I am sad mostly because it breaks my heart to see my mother, my mother who has always seemed so strong, be torn by grief and sorrow. How can I console her? What can I do for her? I did what I know she would have done in the same situation: I bought velas. I didn't know what saints to buy so I just bought a bunch of them and lit them. I don't pray but last night I prayed for my mom. I prayed to God and the Virgencita to give her strength, support, and comfort. I just feel so helpless. How do you comfort someone who has suffered a great loss?

I have to say, my boyfriend Clay was so helpful last night, I can't thank him enough. It was one of those moments where he helped me remain calm in a situation where I had to be the strong one, even though I just wanted to cry too. He was the one who took us to the airport and kind of helped us get help quickly. He helped the person who means the universe to me and for that I just love him more and more. All this year he's just always been there, understanding, supporting, calming, soothing, and loving. I'm lucky to have him, lucky that he loves me. I can only hope that I can do for him what he has done for me, which is make me happy and make me feel secure and hopeful of the future.

2008 Whoo!

So I finally have my PICC line and it's not that bad actually. And unlike my Hickman catheter, I don't have to do any maintenance work, I go to the hospital once a week and the nurses change my dressing and flush the catheters for me. It is also convenient because I do it the same day as my chemo so I'm already there. The chemo this time around really is so much more tolerable. I don't get nauseous at all. I've gone in twice so far and I'm usually done after 3 hours. More than anything, it's my own nervousness that gets to me. The first session, just looking at the saline IV bags made me want to throw up so I know my problem right now is all psychological.

The Rosebowl was amazing. It was just a total day experience. We all woke up early, Clay came to pick us up at my house at about 9am and we went to downtown LA where we took the Metro to Pasadena to avoid having to deal with the hassle of traffic or parking. There was a shuttle that would take people from the Metro station to the stadium but it was like 3 blocks long so we decided to walk there instead. It was like the neverending walk. Seriously, we walked for like an hour and there were tons of us making the trek. The funniest thing, this little kid who looked like he was 7 was out selling bottles of water by himself. He was filling the ice buckets with bottles of water and he had a wad of cash in his little hand. It was cute and disturbing all at the same time. I was like, he is so cute but where the hell are his parents?? Once we finally got to the stadium we went to a tailgate set up by my sister's best friend's family. It was pretty sweet. They had a tent, a barbeque, a HDTV. It was pretty cool. So we sat there, drank beer and ate hamburgers until the beginning of the first quarter. I have pictures that I'll try to post later. It was just cool, jets flew overhead and we had great seats. The game was amazing and really it was just so cool, everything. It was fun fun times. And the next day even my hands were sore from all my clapping and cheering. It was worth it.

So I've decided to become a football fan. Yes, me Maria Morales is now officially a Washington Redskins fan. Now, I would like to point out that my boyfriend is a Redskins fan and we've been watching the games together so it was inevitable. Too bad they're out of the playoffs though. Oh well, next year, next year. :)

Just One More Day

So I didn't get my PICC line put in today. I called to reschedule for tomorrow. And I don't regret it.

Erasto and I have decided to watch all the movies that will be Golden Globe and Oscar Awards contenders. We have a lot of movie time we need to log in. I haven't seen anything but I Am Legend. It was ok. Not the type of movie I usually watch but it wasn't that bad. For some reason, I thought it was a sequel to I, Robot, I know, it was stupid because it wasn't. I really want to watch Atonement, Charlie Wilson's War, Sweeney Todd, and still Across the Universe. I recently saw Akeelah and the Bee which was cute, not amazing but pretty good. There was a quote that is among the main themes for the movie which I really liked and had actually heard before. Here is the quote in its entirety:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

I think it's a great quote. To realize that you stop yourself from succeeding because you don't think you deserve it. But once you allow yourself to strive for success, the people around you are inspired to do the same.

The movie did make me think of when I was in Academic Decathlon in high school. When I first became a member, no one in my high school had ever heard of it and even we had no idea of the rigorous studying it would require. But we were competing in the Los Angeles Unified School District so we learned very quickly how important AD was. I was in it for 3 years and I like knowing that each year we improved greatly. We were never #1 but we made it to the top 10 my last year. It was a great experience and it prepared me for college better than anything else. Pretty good recommendation Marty.

Anyways, I'm gonna go watch She-Ra!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I know, it's been too long. I've been so busy lately. I'll start from where I left off.

So Bertha got here last last week on Tuesday (12/11). The following day we went dress shopping at the mall. I bought a hot pink dress that was pretty cute. Later that evening we met up with my friend Erasto and we went to West Hollywood to go eat at Fiesta Cantina, which is a gay bar. Turns out it was karaoke night and we ended up staying all night long. It was quite the experience, gay karaoke. First, guys singing girl songs. Second, singers with back up dancers. Third, the night ended with NSYNC Christmas songs. I had a blast.

The day of my birthday I went to a Lakers game with Bertha, Clay, and my brother Sergio. Clay got pretty good seats, the Lakers won, and we all had a great time, too much to drink but still lots of fun.

The next evening was when we went out for my official birthday dinner at the Melting Pot in Pasadena. It was pretty cool. It's a fondue restaurant so we had cheese fondue, salads, a selection of meat and seafood fondue, and then chocolate dessert fondue. I had a wonderful time and I'm happy my wonderful boyfriend arranged it. My sister and her boyfriend came to dinner but didn't go with us afterward to the Three of Clubs, my favorite 80's dive bar. It was a lot of fun.

I feel like I'm just listing things and then saying, "I had a lot of fun," but I did! I had a wonderful couple of days. Something else I bought was a pair of well-fitting jeans. All the jeans in my closet were sagging on me like I was a crack head. So this new pair of Miss Sixty jeans are my new favorites that I wear every time I leave the house not in sweats. I feel so chunty.

On Friday afternoon we went to a Salvador Dali exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). It was actually amazing. I had never been a big fan of Dali but the exhibit really piqued my interest in his work. Bertha is a big fan so it was great having her knowledge. I never knew that Dali and Walt Disney planned on making an animated movie together. It was eventually completed but I think never distributed. I was able to see it at the exhibit and again, it was simply amazing. We found out about the exhibit by accident on Wednesday night when someone told us about it and I'm glad we had a chance to go while Bertha was here.

Bertha's last day was spent grabbing a late lunch at La La's, an Argentinean restaurant on Melrose, with some old college friends, Anabel and Karyna. It was strange to see Karyna again after so many years. We were roomates our senior year and had been great friends who ended up just losing touch. I thought about everything that had happened to me in those years after our time at Cornell and I wondered what the years had brought her. Unfortunately, because she had gotten lost and therefore arrived really late to the restaurant, I missed most of their catch up because I'd left with Erasto to browse at a nearby store. It was still great to see her, even for just a little bit.

For my birthday my sister gave me a shirt that said, "This Girl Can Party." Bertha's last night in LA I proved that this girl CAN'T party. Bertha, Clay, and I went to Clay's apartment where we talked and drank until about 10-10:30pm. I'd had 3 watered down vodka tonics and I was feeling pretty good. We get into this club that's a block down from Clay's apartment and have 1 shot of tequila. It was over for me. I got wasted, was dancing on an empty dance floor, and eventually had to get carried out by Clay and Bertha sometime between 11-11:30pm. That's right, I partied for about a whole hour. Clay took us home and I was passed out in my bed by midnight. Nice. I hope Bertha had fun in that one hour.

In my defense, I was so tired. I'd been exhausted all day and Clay and Bertha's solution was to give me a 5 hour energy drink. I probably should have just taken a nap but oh well! At least I think I had fun.

After dropping off Bertha at the airport, I went to this hotel in downtown LA called the Bonaventure where Clay had gotten me a gift card to their spa for a massage and facial. It felt like the perfect end to my week.

But it was back to work on Monday. I had a few doctor's appointments that week that would determine what my next course of treatment would be. I'll summarize.

I have a very aggressive and persistent cancer. I had the opportunity to look at slides from all the PET scans I'd taken and the difference between June 2007 and November 2007 was vast. It really is almost gone but a little bit persists in my chest and left and right abdomen area. It's that persistent little bit that's hard to treat. My options are: more chemotherapy (different drugs), an experimental drug (which turned out to be back ordered so, therefore, unavailable), or low dose radiation therapy.

I had started veering towards radiation only because I felt like maybe we should try something new but then they told me that it’s much easier to do radiation after chemo than chemo after radiation. I might limit my options if radiation doesn’t completely work (there is a tumor by my kidney and they might not be able to treat it because if my kidney receives radiation, I would definitely have kidney failure).

So to make a long story short, I’m choosing what I thought I never would: more chemotherapy. However, it seems as if some studies have shown that it might work and even if all it does is shrink my tumors just a little bit more, then the radiation doctor can use less radiation, which is better for me long term. They anticipate that I’ll be on this chemo for about a month and I’ll be coming in once a week. It’s suppose to be very tolerable and has few side effects. My doctor said I wouldn’t even lose my hair, which was pretty cool.

He said I could even go back to work! Of course I’m going to take it easy, I’m well aware of my physical limits. My emotional limits I’m not so sure about. I just hope I don’t break out into tears for no reason! It also wouldn’t be until after the New Year, maybe a week after.

So I feel like I’m back to the same place I was last year. But this time I’ve done more, seen more, and can therefore, handle more. I need a central line put in but I don’t want to have surgery for a port that will only be used for one month. So I’ve decided to get a PICC line put in instead. Isn’t that funny. Last year I kicked, punched, and screamed not to have a PICC line put in because it grossed me out. So I had a port put in. This year I was like, just give me the PICC line, I don’t care. So it was kinda funny.

I forgot to mention that Saturday afternoon I ended up in the ER. I woke up feeling so tired and started throwing and didn’t stop all morning. When we realized I also had a fever my mom took me to the hospital where I threw up walking up the ramp and while waiting in the ER line. They kept me overnight for observation and I stopped throwing up but still had a low fever. When they let me go, they told me I probably just had a viral infection. The doctor told me that viral infections manifest themselves where people have the most weakness. I guess mine is the gastro-intestinal area. They told me that because it was a viral infection, they couldn’t give me anything for it, it just had to work its way out of my body. It hasn’t been that bad, I’ve had the runs (sorry TMI) but other than that, I’ve just been really tired, my body hurts like hell at night though. Thank goodness I had some leftover Vicodine, it’s the only thing that has worked for the pain. I get the feeling that no one wants to prescribe it again (I'd only gotten it after surgeries) but I might have to get ghetto tomorrow because tonight is my last one and the pain is so bad I can’t sleep. Seriously, it’s pretty bad.

I’ve also had to adhere to a bland diet these last few days. Apparently greasy spicy food would irritate my stomach more and make the infection worse. So Christmas Eve I wasn’t the cheeriest person around. All I’d had for 2 1/2 days was jello and water. And my Christmas dinner was mashed potatoes and biscuits while everyone devoured their meaty, spicy, dinner.

But opening up gifts was a blast. Like most latino families, we open up our gifts on Christmas Eve, but us being impatient Morales’s, we opened them up at about 10pm instead of midnight. I had some great gifts. My sister got me grouchy cat slippers (apparently I’ve been grouchy lately), but I think this was all a ploy for her to get my Uggs. Since I’ll be using the slippers, I won’t be using the Uggs and guess what? I woke up this morning and they were gone and she was gone. Sneaky I tell you but very well thought out. I also got orange sheets (I have 3 orange dresses so I have to admit it‘s among my favorite colors by default), my favorite Season 1 Volume 1 of She-ra: Princess of Power (I watched it as a kid!!!), a drawing of pueblo people on a piece of bark (Diego knows I love art), socks, money, candy, a Best Buy gift card, a scarf, and I can’t remember what else. I have to say, I’m pretty broke after this but I couldn’t help myself. I had to. Clay gave me a framed picture of us which made me cry, it’s probably our first picture together that has been printed out and framed. But he also gave me another spa day, and this one is almost a day event that includes other services. I guess my extravagant praise of the first one convinced him it was a great idea that never gets old, lol.

Anyways, I think that’s it! That’s been my past 2 weeks. Tomorrow I get the PICC line put in and Friday I start chemotherapy. And next week, ROSEBOWL!!!

Short But Very Sweet :D

So Clay gave me my birthday present early and it was....... Surprise! A digital camera! I was so surprised! Anyways, it's a Sony Cyber-shot, hot pink, sleek, small, sexy, and it has a 2.5 inch touch screen. It was wonderful! He gave it to me early so that I can learn how to use it by the time of my birthday. Finally I can post pictures! But bear with as I am a techie dinosaur and it will take me awhile to figure out how to do it. And it's hot pink!

I've started my Christmas shopping and I have to say, I better be careful or my budget will spiral out of control. I feel like the people who renovate houses on Flip This House, when they start out with a plan and something happens and they run over budget and over their timeline. I will not be that last minute shopper this year! I've got good ideas and should have no major obstacles, except for unhelpful salespeople and crowded stores.

So I'm also in the market for a party/birthday dress. It kinda sucks right now actually that I've got a good fuzz going because when I was completely bald, I thought I looked not as bad. The fuzz makes me look disheveled somehow. It's like, nice dress, what's up with the hair?! I realized that I am going to have a bad growing out period, very bad........... scary even. You'll see. But anyways, yeah, the overall presentation is looking a little weird. I might have to compromise my values and wear The Wig.

Bertha comes tomorrow. I'll enlist her help in Operation Birthday Dress.

Unsmiley Face

I love the month of December. I’ve said this before but I just never get tired of saying it again. I love December. It’s the month of my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. I love the festivities of Christmas. I like the decorations, the gifts (honestly, even if I don’t get gifts, I love giving them, even when I wince at my bank balance), the movies (White Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original and the Jim Carey version), A Charlie Brown Christmas, and The Nightmare Before Christmas (who doesn’t love Tim Burton?)), and the holiday cheer most people adopt. I’ll tell you what I hate though, the crowded malls and the criminals who are stealing from everyone. Anyways, yeah, love Christmas.

And New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year! Except I won’t be celebrating too hard since I’m going to the Rose Bowl the next day!!!!! Oh you read right! My sister, Clay, my brother Eduardo, and I are going to go watch USC beat Illinois, lol. I’m so excited! I’ve been following USC football lately because of my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like a traitor, being so supportive of another school’s success. Cornell’s top quality education seems to get lost when the topic turns to football. Cornell I still love you, this is just a sleazy affair I’m having for now, I’m faithful to you!

You know, I can’t believe that I’ve been roped into going to so many football events. I mean, I like the atmosphere, but I still don’t know the rules of the sport. I can’t believe Clay has hoodwinked me into watching it so much! I swear, I guess that’s what I have to do so that he’ll go to the movies with me (he hates going to the movies, he gets antsy after an hour and a half).

Bertha is another one. Now I’m going to a Lakers game on my birthday because of her. Thanks Bertha! Lol, I’m just kidding! But I hate to break it to you, I don’t like any sports period, but I’m willing to go along for the ride. I’ve never been to a Lakers game so that’ll be my first one. I always end up having fun because of the people I go with so this won’t be different.

Next Friday, I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with Clay, my sister, her boyfriend Tito, Erasto, and Bertha. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s a fondue restaurant in Pasadena that Clay and I have only eaten at once (and at the bar for dessert only) because we always decide at the last minute to go and then get turned away because they’re booked for the night. So this time he made reservations and we’re going!

By the way, I’m finally walking normally again.

I think it’s funny when people that I barely spoke to at Cornell ask me to be their friend on My Space. It’s happened like 3 times now that someone from Cornell has asked me to be their My Space friend but we weren’t really “friends” in college. Then I’m torn between denying them (since I barely know them) or accepting them (school solidarity and maybe future networking?). So far I’ve accepted the invite but sometimes it kind of bothers me because I still don’t talk to them so it feels fake. I don’t want to be a My Space whore! But I feel guilty otherwise, so don’t think that’ll change anytime soon.

I’ve been in a bad mood lately. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I just felt like my doctor wasn’t very prepared. I thought I would be able to return to work at the end of this month but he flat out told me that was out of the question. He told me that although there was a lot of improvement, there were still areas that remained unchanged. He told me that he would discuss my case with other doctors and that he would call me either Wednesday or Thursday. He didn't call. All he said was that maybe more investigative treatments would be considered or another transplant, this time donor instead. I’m just sick and tired of these debilitating treatments.

I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know why these treatments are not working. What happened to most curable and most treatable cancer? It’s been over a year and I’m still considered a Stage 3. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I feel. All these months I’ve been going along with what the doctor’s suggest but then when it doesn’t work, I look at my doctor’s and they can’t give me any answer as to why it’s not working. I want some sort of answer? Anything! Why is it working for other people but not working for me? With my doctors, I’ve remained calm and complacent and maybe that’s why I’m mad now. I want to yell at them because I want to blame someone and it’s easy to blame them. I just want to see that their’s an end in sight and right now, there isn’t. Clay says I need to be patient but it’s easier said than done.

My job’s HR Department already sent me a letter saying I’d used up my allotted Medical Leave time. They sent me a package that needs to be filled out and faxed if I need more time. My doctor gave me a note for another 3 months for now. State Disability did the same thing, sent me a form that needs to be filled out and sent back. Everyone thought I was returning to work mid December. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck, relying on disability to pay my bills. I hate how isolated I feel from society at large. My hair is growing back in quickly and I just don’t want to lose it again. Like I said, I’m just in a bad/sad mood.

I forgot a friend’s birthday and realized it last night. My friend Jorge turned 28 some time the end of November and I forgot to call him. And of course I still didn’t call today. It’s because I’m in a bad mood, forgetful, and lazy.

I made a To Do list today and realized I really don’t have that much on the list which made me happy because I thought I had a lot of things to do. Most of it was forms that I have to drop off to my doctor to be filled out.

Last thing, I decided to get my brother Sergio a good chef’s knife and a paring knife for Christmas. I did research online and found a brand that I liked and that was reviewed really well on multiple sites. It’s one of those things that I never knew about and am now very well informed on. I was filled with that glee of knowing that you’re getting someone something you KNOW they will love. He’s had a couple of cook jobs and he really loves to cook so I know he’ll like the knives. He has an ok chef’s knife now that he guards jealously so I’m pretty excited about the one I’m getting him, which is suppose to be better. It makes me feel good to make people I love happy. So can’t wait till he opens it for Christmas!!!

Pictures From Diego's Graduation in June

Save Me From Myself

I will no longer dance like a fool, or at least not for a very long time.

So a month ago I woke up and no one was home so I turned on the radio in the living room and heard songs that I really like so I started dancing. Since I was alone I danced crazy, the kind of way I would never dance in public, only alone when no one is looking, pretty much I danced like a fool. But I only did it for like 30 minutes. So Tuesday I woke up and again, no one was home. So I thought, hmmm, I should do some exercise, I never do any activity. So I turned on the radio again but no songs I liked were playing and then I thought, duh, I could connect my ipod to the speakers!

So that's what I did and for 2 hours I danced like a fool to all my favorite house and dance songs. Of course I would take breaks and sit down but then I'd get back up and keep going. It never occurred to me that I might be overdoing it, like some people do their first day at the gym. So the next day I woke up and when I tried to get out of bed........ I screamed from the pain in my calves. I've been limping around for the last 3 days. Like hunched over, legs spread out, limping slowly. I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame, except he moved quickly. What's worse is that if I move around I get used to it so it doesn't hurt as much, but every time I sit down or lay down, it is torture trying to get back up. My shoulders and back hurt too but my calves are so much worse that I don't notice the upper body soreness as much. Can you believe that? I am so sore! And 3 days later it's only slightly better. I'm still limping.

It rained today. It feels like such a gloomy day. December starts tomorrow. I'm getting excited. December is the month of my birthday, Christmas, and New Year's eve. And then it's a brand new year. New beginnings.

On Monday I'll see my doctor and get the results of the CT scan. Talk about nerve wracking huh? Positive thoughts.

Well gotta go for now.

Going to Bed NOW

I'm writing this late only because I'm waiting for the damn Phantom of the Opera album to finish downloading on my iTunes. The fact that my Internet connection keeps messing up is not hurrying it along either.

Anyways, today I went to go see Corteo from Cirque du Soleil. Of course I loved it! It's really like a sophisticated circus act, without real animals. There were clowns, music, trapeze acts, juggling, contortionists, and fake horses. It was really really cool. I almost want to go again, but with cheaper seats. This time I kinda splurged because I wanted good seats and they were, Erasto and I were part of the audience that got picked on by the opening act of clowns. But the less expensive seats weren't that much farther away because it was in a small venue. I'll see maybe if I can get tickets when my sister comes home so she, Diego, and I can go. Depends on when my sister comes home and ticket availability. Anyways, I bought 2 plastic masks and I love them too, lol! I gave Diego one. I think I'm in love with Cirque du Soleil, lol!

I'd like to clarify a comment I made in my last post. I realized how I could have been offensive by saying that my dad was acting like a "crazy Jehovah's Witness." I am not saying JWs are crazy, only that as someone who was raised Catholic and in the Catholic way of praising the Lord, I was surprised by my dad's uncharacteristic emotional exaltations. My mom related that JWs sometimes express their deep faith in that manner. So I just assumed he must have adopted JW ways for Thanksgiving. But I must remember that just because JWs praise differently doesn't mean they are crazy. I'm just glad I'm Catholic (uh, or as my friend Marty said, "a supermarket Catholic," I pick up what I like). Lol, am I going to get hate mail for this? It's not what Jesus would do, I tell you that much. Or maybe I'll end up going to hell. Wait a minute, I can't! I received the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick while I was in the hospital so my holy glow should still be pretty..... holy (as in saved from the fires of eternal damnation)! Ha! Lol, ok no more religion talk.

I want to put more pictures in my blog but I realized not having a digital camera is really making this goal more difficult than it should be. My birthday is December 13th and I've started dropping hints around Clay about how much I would LOVE a digital camera. Hopefully he'll pick up my subtle clues (i.e. "I want a digital camera, fool. And it better be cute too."). Then you guys can see pictures of the things I do and the places I go! How exciting! I'll have to go back to City of Hope just to take pictures of places like the hospital and the Japanese Garden. I also want these memories for myself. I used to shy away from taking pictures with my bald head or of me in the hospital but my sister made me realize (during the summer) that I might want pictures of this time later, and she was right. So hopefully sometime soon pictures will become a regular feature of my blog.

I had a really interesting conversation with Clay yesterday regarding my view of natural population control. I'd like to get into it now but it's just too late. I think people will be surprised by my stance. Anyways, tomorrow, I promise.

Why Did I Take Pictures With My Glasses On?

I hope everyone is still eating turkey sandwiches with stuffing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. :)

I've had an eventful couple of days. On Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, our neighbor's pitt bull somehow got into our backyard and started fighting with our pitt bulls, Jada and Snub. Only my dad, Diego, and I were home at the time and my dad started freaking out. I mean he almost got hysterical on us. He apparently was bitten by a dog once and is now traumatized. He didn't want to do anything but Diego and I could not just sit there and wait until one of them was killed. To make a long story short, my dad eventually went outside to get the hose and gave it to Diego, who had climbed up on the roof, and from there Diego was able to get the dogs to separate by spraying water on them. But honestly, the neighbor's dog was much bigger than ours so it held it's own up until Diego sprayed them, by which point they were all tired from fighting. It would have been funny had we not known that they really wanted to kill each other but couldn't. Our backyard is shaped like an L and our dogs went into the longer part and the other dog stayed at the farthest corner of the shorter part. It was really sad actually! Jada is a little monster so she was generally ok, just tired. Snub is the sweet gentle one (I know it's hard to believe when you look at him but he is) but he was hurt, the other dog cut his lower mouth area. He straight up threw himself on the ground, he was really tired. And then the next day he looked so sad! I think his lower jaw hurt so he was listless and not very energetic. Anyways, we all patted ourselves on the back for being able to stop a pitt bull dogfight (it was really Diego, I just backed him up against my dad). Eduardo came home and took our dogs to another part of the yard that is separated from the L part. The owner of the dog eventually came and picked up his pitt bull, who had a badly mangled ear. At first I was mad at all the dogs for fighting but really, what was to be expected? A strange dog gets into our yard, which is very well fenced up so there is no way to exit (the dog apparently climbed it's side of the fence and hopped over), and what did we think the dogs were going to do? Ignore each other? I firmly believe that the other dog was the aggressor and our dogs were protecting themselves and their territory. My brothers walk them all the time and expose them to other people and animals and they respond well to both, only reacting badly when another dog is more aggressive. I hated seeing the dogs act like the animals that I know they are but I'm happy none of them was badly hurt and hopefully it won't happen again.

The next day, Clay came over for Thanksgiving and I'm happy that he was able to witness the antics of my family firsthand so that he knows I don't exaggerate when I tell certain stories about them. Let's just say it was among the best Thanksgivings I've ever had, even with my brothers arguing about who can bench press more and my dad acting like a crazy Jehovah's Witness. Maybe next year he'll speak in tongues.

Today, Saturday, Clay and I went to the movies and watched Into the Wild. Clay only likes going to this one particular theatre in Hollywood, the Arclight, and for some reason they weren't playing American Gangster, which was our first choice. So the movie wasn't bad, unfortunately I'm only on ch. 2 of the book so now I'll be reading it with the movie's vision in mind.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Cirque du Soleil! How fun!

So here's my first picture posting. It's Clay and I in San Francisco before the game. I'd given him $200 worth of lottery scratcher tickets (amongst other things) for his birthday so that's what he's holding in his hand, that and a bottle of liquor, lol.

I Never Want to Climb Mt. Everest

So today I was watching Oprah and it was Her Favorite Things episode. I've never seen it before but the audience went WILD when it was announced. And I mean WILD. People were jumping, screaming, and crying. I was seriously shocked to see so many women (of all ethnicities, and even some men) going crazy, literally CRAZY. I saw women who looked just like....... I guess you had to have seen it. It was nuts. Apparently Oprah talks about her favorite gifts for the holidays and then gives out one of each to every audience member. It was quite a number of things and afterwards I found out the total value was like $8,000. There was a lot of pretty cool stuff: expensive soaps, body creams, gourmet sorbets, a fridge, a camcorder, books, Ugg boots, a Kitchen Aide mixer, a panini press, lots of DVDs, clothes, just all kinds of stuff. It makes a trip to Chicago just to see Oprah worthwhile. Anyways, what shocked me was just how crazy the audience got when the title of the show was announced. It was kept a secret until that day I guess. But then again, I would have gone crazy too with all that stuff she gave away. Hello, a fridge!

It's like, some people go crazy over Oprah and then other people don't like her. I figured, she gives aways lots of gifts, that's good enough for me!

Sorry, I really had to mention it, I really was shocked, lol.

Anyways, yesterday I had my CT scan! I was so nervous I couldn't sleep the night before and then literally had to drag myself out of bed in the morning. This time I put my foot down and refused the barium (makes me....... you don't want to know) but they gave me some other stuff which wasn't that bad. The barium is a liquid suspension they make you drink an hour before and it helps to highlight the stomach area in a CT scan. Necessary but totally gross. But the new stuff they gave me wasn't so bad and the scan went well. I'll get the results when I meet with my doctor Dec. 3rd. I've decided to try really hard not to stress about it. It just doesn't help and I'm not throwing myself anymore pity parties. So............. I guess we'll see Dec. 3rd! Oh and I have soft fuzz growing back in on my head! It's light but it's something.

However, one tiny tragedy. I lost some small gold hoop earrings that an aunt of mine gave me over 4 years ago. I wore them all the time but I had to take them off for the scan and I tossed them in the plastic bag they gave me for my belongings. When the scan was over, I took my stuff out of the plastic bag but I forgot about the earrings in my rush to just get out of there and then threw the bag in a trash bin. I didn't realize they were missing until late at night when I touched my ear for some reason and realized I wasn't wearing them. I was pissed at myself. Of course it has nothing to do with value, it's that my aunt gave them to me so I almost never took them off. But I always do this. I just seem to lose things really easily, whether it's my own stuff or a gift someone gave me. It's not like I do it on purpose but I've been told that my carelessness comes off as not caring or valuing someone's gift. It makes me feel bad because I can't help it but I realize how the other person might view it. I've lost so many meaningful things over the years and it's not that I don't value the gift, the majority of the time it's something that I value so much, I use it all the time (like my earrings). It's like, I carry it everywhere safely and then one time, one time, I take it off or put it down and poof! Gone. Seriously, I've been told more than once, "Is that how you treat gifts people give you?" I just always lose it, drop it, break it, forget it..... something. But I do it to stuff I bought myself too! I just have to be more careful. It just sucks, I really liked those earrings.

On Sunday I'm going to go watch Cirque du Soleil with my friend Erasto. I'm super excited because we got really good seats and I've always wanted to see one of their shows. This one is called Corteo and I read the description for it online but it was kinda weird so I'll describe it after I've seen the show.

My friend Marty mentioned in his blog something that I had thought about a couple of months ago but never wrote about: how different life is now with cell phones. About 6 months ago I convinced my dad to get my brother Diego (when he was 13) a cell phone because I felt that he needed it for emergencies. Although he has a nasty habit of leaving it off after getting out of school, it feels good knowing that we can reach him after he gets out of school. Granted he's older and in high school now but I think even younger kids need cell phones nowadays. But when I was growing up, I couldn't even convince my parents to get me a beeper (according to them, only doctors and drug dealers carried beepers). My parents controlled our phone conversations by only having one landline in the house (not wireless), by keeping it in the kitchen, and by not having call waiting so that when my mom tried to call for 2 hours and kept getting a busy signal, she could come home to scream at someone (usually me) for being on the phone for 2 hours. I didn't get a cell phone until I was 21 (and a half) years old. I lived before it but now I can't imagine my life without it. Seriously, how did I ever meet up with people? How did I ever make plans? What if I had to cancel at the last minute? Did I really do all that through a landline only? It seems almost unbelievable to me. Maybe the reason I was always late before was because no one was calling me on my cell phone to tell me to hurry my ass up! I had the luxury of taking my time without anyone calling me constantly like they do now if I'm even 5 minutes late. My cell phone made me punctual, lol! Anyways, it does make me feel like a grandma on the rocking chair. Remembering a time before cell phones, wireless phones, Call Waiting, Caller ID, 3 Way Calling...........

And while we're on the subject, I also remember a time before CDs, when we would want to kill our stereos for eating our cassette tapes. And look at that, even CDs are going down now because of MP3 players. I remember our first Nintendo system, when all it had was Super Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, and that Olympics game. It came with the gun and the mat. A time before computers, now that's wild! How did we live! Even halfway through high school, only the most important essays had to be typed, most were just handwritten, 5-8 pages of handwritten work. And my handwriting was so bad, I would write it out once, and then write up a final draft carefully, in my best handwriting. By the time I got to college of course that had changed. We still have the first Encyclopedia set my dad bought from a traveling salesmen. Now I just look things up on Wikipedia.

It's crazy how fast technology has advanced just in our short lifetimes. Can you imagine what it'll be like when we're 50 or 80? Once, Diego and I mapped out a hypothetical person's life, like, what did this person live through in their lifetime. We said, ok, if this person is 85 years old right now in 2007, that means they were born in 1922. Assuming they lived in the US, they would have lived through the Great Depression, WWII, desegregation, the Vietnam war, the Cold War, the moon landing, the collapse of the Soviet Union, the Gulf War, the Internet, and now the war in Iraq. They also would have lived through Elvis, the Beatles, disco, Madonna, Micheal Jackson, U2, the Spice Girls, etc. This person saw the change in clothing, cars, music, architecture, interior design, movie making, communication, social norms, everything. How different was the world when this hypothetical person was born and look at all the changes (plus everything I forgot to mention) this person has witnessed. Isn't that crazy?

I love making to do lists because it's the only way I remember everything I need to do and I also love being able to cross things off my list. I made a to do list a few days ago and I'm happy to say that almost everything got crossed off. The only things that didn't were the things that involved me calling someone. Hopefully those will be crossed off tomorrow.

So I just finished reading this book called Into Thin Air. It was about a guy, Jon Krakauer, who climbed Mt. Everest in 1996, the year of one of the deadliest climbing seasons there. It was a great book, pretty crazy. He talks about the extremely debilitating effects of the cold and the high altitude. I was amazed that so many people still make the climb considering all the very real risks. It amazes me that any of those climbers make it not just to the top, but also back down alive as well. So many people died that season (12 I think) and the author talks about how those deaths have haunted him, how if things had been different, there wouldn't have been so many casualties. This made me wonder about how complicated our view of death is.

Back in the old olden days (Medieval times), death was an accepted part of life. In fact, it had a very real presence in the lives of people back then. There was the plague, wars (fought with more human contact), high infant mortality rates, shorter lifespans, and then the fact that animals were killed daily for food (not like it's censored version in the grocery store). Death was everywhere. Nowadays, even though the news tells you that we have become desensitized to violence, I think that is definitely not the case. Over the centuries we've created shields that have hidden death and violence from our sight, more so especially in developed countries. Go to underdeveloped countries now where death and violence have a constant presence in everyday life. Those of us who are lucky to live in developed countries have been spared that. But then when death and violence does enter our lives, we are surprised, shocked, outraged, or traumatized. But it's not unusual, abnormal, or out of the ordinary. We just never think it'll happen to us.

Anyways, yeah, Jon Krakauer, loved your book! I started another one he wrote called Into the Wild but this one is not based on his experience. It's based on this guy Chris McCandless who ends up dying of starvation in Alaska. They made a movie with the same name that isn't out on DVD yet.

On another note, I just saw Paris Je T'aime and I loved it! It's a collection of short films about love in Paris. They took I think 20 directors and had them make short films no longer than 5 minutes. Some were so so but the majority were really good for only being 5 minutes long. I would definitely recommend it. Plus it's just a lot of short films so you can start and stop without worrying about losing the plot line.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Clay is coming over for Thanksgiving at our house this year, I wonder what he'll think of our Nicaraguan turkey day? I hope he doesn't expect cranberry sauce or candied yams. We like our turkey with Mexican rice and a salad. Sometimes we have mashed potatoes, sometimes we don't. I'm looking forward to it.

Mission: Reclaim Life

I've been thinking of a way to start this entry and lacking a better intro, I figured this was best:

"What patients want to hear is that the transplant will be a quick, painless, risk-free procedure. More importantly, they want assurance that it will cure their disease and provide them with many extra years of life. Unfortunately, no such assurances can be given. The patient can only be promised the chance of a future." - Autologous Stem Cell Transplants: A Handbook for Patients

So yesterday I received the results of my PET scan. It showed extreme improvement in all areas but there still appeared to be some activity in my chest. My regular doctor is out of town so another doctor gave me the results and he told me that maybe low dose radiation would be the next possible treatment. But he said it was something that would need to be discussed with my regular doctor. So....... I was........ I felt let down because I did want to be told, hey you're cured. But my mom and my dad seem oddly calm. It makes me wonder if they really aren't that worried or if they know that I'm on the brink of a meltdown so they're staying mellow for my sake. This doctor told me that they still needed the results of a CT scan I'm having done next Monday and he said that they actually relied more on those results than the PET. Apparently sometimes the PET shows activity that is unrelated to the cancer. So maybe there is still hope..............

I am being negative with the results, I just want to make that clear. Clay, my mom, and my dad seem optimistic. I think they think that if low dose radiation is all I need, then it's pretty much almost gone. I don't know why I'm not happy or at least glad that things are much better. I guess I just wanted to think it was over.

My next appointment will be after Thanksgiving with my regular doctor. The CT scan results should be available by then and I guess they'll let me know what comes next.

Oh yeah, San Francisco was fun. My favorite part of the trip was the USC vs Cal game. It rained (and I mean poured, not sprinkled) the whole game, all 4 hours. Mind you, the day before, sunshine, the day after, sunshine. Everyone had ponchos that didn't prevent the rain from drenching them. Our USC foam victory fingers became sponge fingers that needed to be wrung out periodically because of the water. My paper pom poms succumbed before the end of the 1st quarter. Although I didn't drink, the mini keg before the game and the mini bottles of liquor Clay's family snuck into the stadium made them all forget about the rain at least until halftime. Clay took off the poncho during the 4th quarter to show off his jersey despite the rain. Afterwards, Clay and I joked over who would get pneumonia first (neither of us did). Overall, alot of fun and USC won so definitely worth sitting in the rain for.

My friend Bertha is coming to visit a month from now and I'm really excited. I'm hoping to have so much more energy and stamina by then. How fun!

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

When my hair fell out in early July, seeing the clumps of hair on my pillow, the clumps that would come out just from me running my hands through it, and the clumps that would come out in the shower would make me so sad. After about 3 days my head was so spotty, bald in some spots and then the clumps of hair in others. On the 4th day I told my mom to just cut it all off. I remember feeling so vulnerable, sitting in a chair in the dinning room/living room while my mom used a pair of scissors to cut my hair as close to my scalp as possible. But what made me feel better was when my brothers, Sergio and Eduardo, came into the room and joked about my bald head. Eduardo, who had recently shaved all his hair off, accused me of copying him (which made me smile) and Sergio compared me to Demi Moore in G.I. Jane. I was grateful that they didn't look at me with pity but instead made me smile. They stayed in the room the whole time and told me stories about what they had been up to recently (going to the Santa Fe Dam). It made me feel like my mom cutting off the rest of my hair was not unusual or abnormal. I thank them for that day, they helped make a difficult situation bearable.

Soooooooooo, tomorrow I have a PET scan scheduled at 2:15pm. I started freaking out at first and realized that I didn't want to be on that emotional roller coaster for the whole week that it'll take to get the results back. Clay and I leave to San Francisco on Wednesday morning and I just want to enjoy my trip. This last Saturday we went to the USC Campus Store (which was super crowded because it was a home game day) and bought pom poms, those foam fingers, and his and hers jerseys (we're so cute!). We're gonna watch USC vs Cal on Saturday. I have lots of little surprises for his birthday so I can't wait to give them to him. We get back on Sunday and I think the next day I have a CT scan early in the morning but I'm trying to change it, I just don't want to get up that early on a Monday(that and I'm not ready to face berry berry barium that early in the morning). Then Tuesday I have another doctor's appointment, where hopefully I should get the results of tomorrow's PET scan. Tomorrow I also have to pack and buy some last minute things before the trip. I should have done laundry today but I was too cold and lazy to do anything. Which reminds me, pack a jacket and gloves.

So before my transplants they gave me a handbook to read, Autologous Stem Cell Transplants: A Handbook for Patients. I'm reading it for the second time and now that I'm actually having side effects, it's very helpful. However, I don't think Clay appreciates me reading him paragraphs aloud.

My mami comes home tonight! She gets here really late but I'm so happy she's back. It's nice to have another woman in the house again, lol.

Ohhh, now everyone pray extra hard for tomorrow! Even I'm gonna call on the saints, the spirits, Mother Earth, Father Time, and I'll even try to meditate (which is hard for me, I can't relax). Ahhhhhhh.....................