I just realized it's my fault. My expectations were all wrong. I expected things to go back to normal and I was so excited at that prospect. It didn't occur to me that I would have changed. And when things didn't click like I expected them to, I felt let down, betrayed even. I'm trying to force things to be a certain way instead of learning to accept how they are now. But I'm trying. It's just hard.
Kinda reminds me of how it felt when I first realized that my high school friends and I weren't on the same page anymore because my experiences in college had changed me. Or when I first came back to LA after being in Ithaca for 6 years.
Oh man, oh man......
It's coming to me now............
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
What's the Difference Between Being in Limbo or Purgatory?
I feel strange.... almost cut off from my body and my surroundings.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Back To Work
So I finally returned to work yesterday. Last week the HR manager called to ask me if I would be coming back and I kept giving her mixed messages because I just wasn't sure. It was actually what propelled me to say, "Fuck it, I'm going back to work." Within 2 days I got my doctor to write a note and I started yesterday. It was a little weird at first just because everyone I know kept congratulating me and asking me how I was doing. I know that they're just concerned but having 20 people ask me all day was overwhelming. Then there was the group of people who didn't know why I'd left and they kept asking me where I went and why I cut my hair. So yeah it was a little much but this week I only work 3 days and then next week I'll start full time again. I know that I didn't have to go back to work but I'm glad that I did because I need something to fill the void of the "waiting time." That and I just want to make sure that Bloomingdale's keeps paying my health insurance contribution. The last thing I want is to start paying COBRA, which significantly raises my health insurance payments.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
Monday, May 7, 2007
It Was So Hot Today!
For Cinco de Mayo I did something I rarely do: I hung out with my brother Sergio. It's not often that we get to hang out so when we do, it makes me really happy. When I went away to college, he was only 11 years old and when I finally came back home, he was 17 already so it's taken us awhile to be able to relate again. Anyways, we were able to hang out and it was really cool (not to say that we don't, it's just not often).
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Bored
I met with the transplant doctor almost 2 weeks ago. Based on my most recent PET scan results, he couldn't tell me if the cancer had gone away. Apparently the results showed that there was increased activity but it wasn't clear whether it was cancerous or non-cancerous. So.... we're just gonna wait and see. I'm gonna have another PET scan done the beginning of June. By that point, if my cancer has not gone away, it should be strong enough to show up much more clearly in the scan. It's a little unnerving to realize that I have to wait for the cancer to potentially become stronger in order to decide what my next course of treatment is going to be. If that happens, I'll be considered to have recurring disease, which means a bone marrow transplant (or it might be a stem cell transplant) would be the most likely option.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Bad News
I received the results of my PET scan last week. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, my cancer hasn't completely gone away and it seems to have gotten stronger in my chest area. I met with my oncologist and a radiation oncologist but they couldn't tell me what my next course of treatment is going to be. It was suppose to be radiation in the chest area but now I have to meet with a transplant doctor first. I am not looking forward to it. I meet with him in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he'll say that I still just need radiation. The other option they had suggested was a bone marrow transplant after high dose chemotherapy. I'm trying to avoid this if at all possible.
I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.
So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.
To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....
Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.
I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.
On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.
I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.
So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.
To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....
Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.
I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.
On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Eat Your Heart Out Charlie Brown!
This last weekend I went to Virginia to visit Clay's parents. I really enjoyed my trip but I came home feeling so exhausted.
Staying with Clay's parents made me see how differently Clay and I grew up. He had such an American Pie type of upbringing and mine was classic immigrant story. It made me think of how different our backgrounds are and how I've never actually gotten to know anyone like him before, even at Cornell. I used to think that I could never date someone who wasn't like me (in terms of background), or who didn't have an idea of what it was like to be a Latino in the US. I guess I just saw how opposite we can be in some ways.... And yet.... I like that we've bonded on a different level.
His parents were so nice and understanding. Again, I see how our respective relationships with our parents is different. I think mine is more respectful but not as honest and his is less respectful but more open and honest. I just loved his parents. For the first time, I can see how when relationships end, it's heartbreaking to leave the parents as well. Too bad we can't keep them as consolation prizes.
I was also able to see my friend Marty while I was there. I hadn't seen him in like 5 years almost so it was really cool that we had a chance to hang out. Hanging out with him made me miss my other Cornell friends. Marty said something while he was driving, about how life at Cornell was great because it was you living with your best friends, which was so true.... I think about all the people I knew while I was there and I wonder sometimes what their lives are like now.
It's a crazy thing to be at a crossroads. How taking a different path can completely change your life. I think of this because Marty has to decide where to go after law school but how many of us don't come to these crossroads all the time? When you decide where to go to college, what to do after college, whether or not to end a relationship, whether to marry someone, to accept a new job, to begin to have children.... Really, all of these are just natural progressions in life. I guess we all expect our lives to change in these ways and yet.... am I the only one who fears them sometimes?
Anyways, I did really enjoy my trip. It was a lot of fun, even when I was embarrassed sometimes. But I was so tired when I came back. I'm like a grandma, I had too much excitement and it took me 2 days to recover.
Yesterday I had a PET scan. I am hoping that it will come out clear and I will be done. I should get the results next week. Crossing my fingers until then....
Staying with Clay's parents made me see how differently Clay and I grew up. He had such an American Pie type of upbringing and mine was classic immigrant story. It made me think of how different our backgrounds are and how I've never actually gotten to know anyone like him before, even at Cornell. I used to think that I could never date someone who wasn't like me (in terms of background), or who didn't have an idea of what it was like to be a Latino in the US. I guess I just saw how opposite we can be in some ways.... And yet.... I like that we've bonded on a different level.
His parents were so nice and understanding. Again, I see how our respective relationships with our parents is different. I think mine is more respectful but not as honest and his is less respectful but more open and honest. I just loved his parents. For the first time, I can see how when relationships end, it's heartbreaking to leave the parents as well. Too bad we can't keep them as consolation prizes.
I was also able to see my friend Marty while I was there. I hadn't seen him in like 5 years almost so it was really cool that we had a chance to hang out. Hanging out with him made me miss my other Cornell friends. Marty said something while he was driving, about how life at Cornell was great because it was you living with your best friends, which was so true.... I think about all the people I knew while I was there and I wonder sometimes what their lives are like now.
It's a crazy thing to be at a crossroads. How taking a different path can completely change your life. I think of this because Marty has to decide where to go after law school but how many of us don't come to these crossroads all the time? When you decide where to go to college, what to do after college, whether or not to end a relationship, whether to marry someone, to accept a new job, to begin to have children.... Really, all of these are just natural progressions in life. I guess we all expect our lives to change in these ways and yet.... am I the only one who fears them sometimes?
Anyways, I did really enjoy my trip. It was a lot of fun, even when I was embarrassed sometimes. But I was so tired when I came back. I'm like a grandma, I had too much excitement and it took me 2 days to recover.
Yesterday I had a PET scan. I am hoping that it will come out clear and I will be done. I should get the results next week. Crossing my fingers until then....
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wishing You Good Luck
Today in the news it was announced that John Edwards wife's cancer had returned.
I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.
However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.
And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.
I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.
To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.
I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.
However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.
And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.
I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.
To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Aint That the Truth
So my brother brought home a cat which I am trying to appropriate. I haven't had a cat in like 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend can't stand cats, which really sucks cuz I totally love cats and have wanted one for a long time. He got me a new beta fish which was really sweet since I know he hated the last one. But the cat thing.... I don't think I'll be able to get him to come around on this one.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I Know, I Know.... MIA
So it's been awhile since I've written. I've actually sat at the computer before, typed a few sentences, and stopped. I don't know why I just couldn't get anything out before. I actually have really great news:
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
Thursday, February 1, 2007
To Prove My Point
I'm happy to have a boyfriend who:
- Picks me up after chemo during his lunch break, even though he works on the other side of the city.
- Cooks for me when I'm sick and all I want to do is lay down and die.
- Keeps me supplied with Mango Gatorade.
- Holds me when I cry and soothes my soul when I feel down.
- Watches Grey's Anatomy with me even though he doesn't like it.
- Tells me I'm beautiful even though I have less hair and have gained almost 15lbs (which I wish people would stop saying is a good thing).
- Is saving the bottle of Dom Perignon for my last chemo treatment.
- Bought me Wicked tickets and doesn't care that I'd rather take my friend (he was relieved I wasn't making HIM go with me).
- I can watch Court TV with and we can talk about the cool techniques forensic scientists use to catch criminals.
- Likes expensive sunglasses as much as I do.
- Stays in and watches TV with me even though I know he would rather be at a bar getting crunk.
- Drinks alot....... and I like that!
- Wants us to be a team.
- Doesn't like it when we argue.
- Looks great in a suit.
- Calls me out on my bullshit (cancer or no cancer, you'd think he'd let me get away with it).
- Makes me laugh, even when I think it's inappropriate.
- Is just so outrageous sometimes........ but I love it.
What can I say, I can't sleep and I miss him right about now.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Looking Forward to Spring
I feel like I've had a million thoughts whirling in my head the last few days and now that I sit here to write, I can't think of anything to say. I guess I'll start with what brought this all on.
I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.
Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.
And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.
Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.
So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.
So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.
People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.
It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............
What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............
I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.
Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.
And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.
Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.
So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.
So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.
People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.
It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............
What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer
2 more months!!! Only 4 more chemo treatments to go....
I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.
Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.
Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....
I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.
Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.
Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....
Monday, January 22, 2007
R.I.P. Fishy
The worst news ever... my beta fish died. See, what had happened was... a month ago I rescued this fish from an abusive environment. It's previous owner hadn't fed it or changed his water in like a month and for some reason it had one swollen eye, so I took it. I started feeding it, put it in a bigger tank, and was changing its water regularly. At first he wouldn't eat and barely moved but he slowly started coming around. I swear, 2 days before he died he was eating, swimming, and shaking his little fins at me when I would come close to the tank to coo at him. Two days later he's dead. I couldn't believe it. What had I done wrong? I tried to rescue him and he died in my care. It's so sad, I had really come to love the little guy. And I can't bring myself to get another fish because I wanted this one to live. And of course my ever tactful sister laughed her ass off when I told her. Poor fishy....
I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.
On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.
February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....
I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.
On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.
February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....
Monday, January 8, 2007
Holidays
It's been awhile since I've written. The holidays were just too much... a swirl of activity. My sister was home for 2 weeks and it was great seeing her. I can't wait until I can go visit her in Seattle.
I had chemo on my birthday (Dec. 13th) so that sucked but the next day my friend Erasto threw me a little dinner/barbecue so that was nice. The following week I had surgery to put in a port in my chest. It is suppose to make chemo treatment easier. It's hard to describe but I found this online:
"The port is about the size of a quarter, only thicker, and will show only as a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:
-No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm.
-The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.
-Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort. "
Port inserted in vein for chemotherapy
A Port
B Catheter [tubing]
C Subclavian vein
D Superior Vena cava
E Pulmonary vein
F Aorta
G Heart
They used the port on the 27th and it really was easier. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I do prefer it to nothing at all or the PICC line. Now I wish I'd had it since the beginning.
Christmas was fun. I played dominos with my brothers for hours. We opened our presents late Christmas Eve. I've realized that Latinos open their presents Xmas Eve but we all think it's just our family who does that. We all seem to do that. But how did that tradition start because it crosses country lines?
Anyways, I spent New Year's with my boyfriend and my sister at her boyfriend's sister's house, lol. It was alot of fun, listening to alot of Prince.
I saw Eragon and The Good Shepherd. I was really disappointed with Eragon. I expected something more along the lines of Lord of the Rings-good and it was bad. Bad acting, bad special effects, bad adaptation from the book. The Good Shepherd was great though, I loved it. I wonder sometimes, really, who controls the world's events? It's the type of movie that makes conspiracy theories seem not that outrageous and reminds me that most of us (almost all of us) live in a state of ignorant bliss.... or stupor. I also saw Dreamgirls which was great, the female Ray. Still on the list: Volver, The Holiday, and The Queen.
Among my favorite gifts: Grey's Anatomy Season 2, LOTS of movie money, a Sephora gift card, tickets to Wicked(!), Chanel sunglasses, perfumes, the chocolate phone from Verizon, sweats (I practically live in them nowadays), and a framed picture of flowers. Basically people listened well, lol.
This weekend I went to Ensenada, Mexico for Erasto's birthday and had such a great time. Clay took me to the best place to get ceviche and it was some of the best ceviche I'd ever had. Overall it's been a great month.
Back to chemo on Wed....
Sunday, December 10, 2006
3 More Days
Christmas is coming up.... I really need to start thinking about what I'm getting people. No joke, the last 2 years I've ended up buying everything like 2 days before. I really don't want to do that this year. The hardest are 2 of my brothers; I always end up buying them a nice bottle of liquor. I think this year I'll just get them gift cards, I know it's lazy but at least this way they can get what they want. My sister is hard too. I think with her it's that I always want to get her something creative and meaningful and I never do. Too often it ends up being something from Sephora, which is nice but not very deep. My littlest brother always makes an Xmas list, which I love. I wish more people did this, I'm just not very good at buying gifts under pressure. Time to brave the big bad mall....
I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......
I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........
It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....
Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.
3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!
I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......
I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........
It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....
Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.
3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Nosy Teller Makes My Day
I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment. Yesterday I learned how to give myself a shot. I practiced on a fake arm for awhile before I did it myself. Why did it make me feel like I could be a nurse too? Like I could start working there tomorrow and give people shots all day. If anybody out there needs a shot, I know how to give 'em! I'm just saying, if there was ever like a world disaster, I'd be pretty valuable, what with all my shot-giving knowledge.... So yup, feeling pretty good about that right now....
Today I went to the mall and tortured myself by looking at all the things I can't buy. I wish I could just dress up everyday, there were just soooo many pretty shoes and dresses.... Anyways, there's a sales girl at French Connection that I like shopping with because she's figured out my taste and always ends up showing me something that I end up buying. Actually, maybe that's bad! Today I walked away with a black shirt and black turtleneck and have a beautiful gold/pink/black cropped jacket on hold that I'm picking up tomorrow. And as God is my witness, I am wearing it to something, anything, this year!
What I didn't walk away with (but wanted to): a burgandy D & G purse (way too much $$$, even on sale, dammit!), a big bottle of Lolita Lempicka (apparently being discontinued), brown Cole Haan boots (none in my size), black Miss Sixty boots (seriously, I own like 6 black boots, I don't need anymore), a purple and gold sequin dress (to wear where?), and Coldstone ice cream ($5 for a cup of ice cream! Had sushi instead). But I still had fun. The mall wasn't crowded, everyone was friendly, and I didn't spend too much money(big plus).
Tomorrow I might start a side job. I'm going to be calling people whose houses are in foreclosure and asking them if they're interested in selling them to the person who I'll be working for. It's kinda cool cuz I can do it at home and the person who's paying me has offered to teach me as much as I want to learn about what he does. From what I gather, he buys homes that are in foreclosure so that he can sell them again at a profit, I think. Well, I'll find out more tomorrow. Anyways, I was never really interested in real estate before but I figured since this opportunity came up, who knows, maybe I'll like it and even if I don't, it's not long term or permanent. Plus I might learn things that'll prove valuable once I start thinking about buying my own house. I'm looking forward to it actually, especially because it'll be a good way to supplement my income. Right now I get disability, which is enough to pay my bills, thank God.
So, here's what happened at the bank today:
I hand my disability check to the teller.
Teller: You work for the city?
Me: No.
He looks at me, looks at my check, looks at me again, then looks at my check closely.
Teller: Oh.... (Still looks confused.)
Me: Yeah, I just get disability.
Teller: Oh really? (Looks me up and down) You don't look...? What do you have?
I laugh and contemplate lying but decide on the truth.
Me: I have cancer.
His eyes pop open.
Me: I know I don't look like it.
Teller: Yeah you don't. Wow, that must suck. What kind of cancer?
Me: Hodgkins Lymphoma. And, well, yeah, it does suck.
Teller: So do you have to do all that chemo stuff?
Me: Yeah I do.
Teller: Wow, is it pretty bad? Does it really suck?
Me: (Laughing now) Well, not really.
He gives me a look like, yeah right.
Me: Well it's just that I've learned not to complain about it too much.
Teller: So... are you gonna be ok, I mean, are you gonna live?
Me: Yeah, I'll live.
Teller: Well good luck. You take care of yourself.
Me: Thanks, I will!
Teller: You have a nice day and thank you for banking with Washington Mutual!
Today I went to the mall and tortured myself by looking at all the things I can't buy. I wish I could just dress up everyday, there were just soooo many pretty shoes and dresses.... Anyways, there's a sales girl at French Connection that I like shopping with because she's figured out my taste and always ends up showing me something that I end up buying. Actually, maybe that's bad! Today I walked away with a black shirt and black turtleneck and have a beautiful gold/pink/black cropped jacket on hold that I'm picking up tomorrow. And as God is my witness, I am wearing it to something, anything, this year!
What I didn't walk away with (but wanted to): a burgandy D & G purse (way too much $$$, even on sale, dammit!), a big bottle of Lolita Lempicka (apparently being discontinued), brown Cole Haan boots (none in my size), black Miss Sixty boots (seriously, I own like 6 black boots, I don't need anymore), a purple and gold sequin dress (to wear where?), and Coldstone ice cream ($5 for a cup of ice cream! Had sushi instead). But I still had fun. The mall wasn't crowded, everyone was friendly, and I didn't spend too much money(big plus).
Tomorrow I might start a side job. I'm going to be calling people whose houses are in foreclosure and asking them if they're interested in selling them to the person who I'll be working for. It's kinda cool cuz I can do it at home and the person who's paying me has offered to teach me as much as I want to learn about what he does. From what I gather, he buys homes that are in foreclosure so that he can sell them again at a profit, I think. Well, I'll find out more tomorrow. Anyways, I was never really interested in real estate before but I figured since this opportunity came up, who knows, maybe I'll like it and even if I don't, it's not long term or permanent. Plus I might learn things that'll prove valuable once I start thinking about buying my own house. I'm looking forward to it actually, especially because it'll be a good way to supplement my income. Right now I get disability, which is enough to pay my bills, thank God.
So, here's what happened at the bank today:
I hand my disability check to the teller.
Teller: You work for the city?
Me: No.
He looks at me, looks at my check, looks at me again, then looks at my check closely.
Teller: Oh.... (Still looks confused.)
Me: Yeah, I just get disability.
Teller: Oh really? (Looks me up and down) You don't look...? What do you have?
I laugh and contemplate lying but decide on the truth.
Me: I have cancer.
His eyes pop open.
Me: I know I don't look like it.
Teller: Yeah you don't. Wow, that must suck. What kind of cancer?
Me: Hodgkins Lymphoma. And, well, yeah, it does suck.
Teller: So do you have to do all that chemo stuff?
Me: Yeah I do.
Teller: Wow, is it pretty bad? Does it really suck?
Me: (Laughing now) Well, not really.
He gives me a look like, yeah right.
Me: Well it's just that I've learned not to complain about it too much.
Teller: So... are you gonna be ok, I mean, are you gonna live?
Me: Yeah, I'll live.
Teller: Well good luck. You take care of yourself.
Me: Thanks, I will!
Teller: You have a nice day and thank you for banking with Washington Mutual!
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Birthday Musings
My birthday is next week and I am and am not looking forward to it. It's the big 2-7! Dude, that means I'll be in my late 20s. So old and yet so young.... Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm as old as my age proves I am. Some of it has to do with the fact that I look younger than what I am (I get it all the time). But another part is also that, when I was younger, I had a vision of what I would be doing at this age; I thought that by 25 I'd be married and probably starting on having kids. It's not that I wish I was doing that now (I'm not ready) but it's that I thought that's what I would be doing. And for some reason, not doing that makes me feel younger somehow. It doesn't make sense in any logical frame of thought, but it's how it makes me feel. This, along with other factors, make me feel like less of an adult sometimes.... Sigh....
On another note, I'm not one of those women who doesn't look forward to growing older, I'm really happy about it. This is vain, but I feel like I'm looking better as I age! Lol, I know, totally vain.... Hopefully I'll still feel this way at 35. Even being really old can't be that bad. I totally want to be that old lady in the designer suit, Chanel sunglasses, big hair, and at Sunday brunch for margaritas (extra tequila please!) with my novias (i.e. fellow stylishly-attired old lady friends).
And my sister comes home from grad school on my birthday, which I am most ecstatic about. I've really missed her. When she left, listening to Mariah Carey's We Belong Together would make me just cry! Mind you, it's a total love song but for some reason I would always think of her when I heard it. I just love her so much and I'm really happy she'll be home for the holidays.
Really, I don't even care about presents. I like the cake (chocolate), the growing older, the sister coming home, las mananitas, the hugs and kisses.... I don't want presents; this is enough.
The only thing I'm not looking forward to: chemo. That's right, chemo on my birthday. Booooo..... Oh well....
Today I went to get my Neupogen shot. I was supposed to have gotten it yesterday too but the nurses couldn't find the order so I'd gone for nothing.... But today was a productive hospital day. Tomorrow I'm going to learn how to give myself the shots. I'm going to try really hard to get over the fear because it really is useful to know. And... I canceled the pick line! So my new nurse BFF, Diana, helped me to get my doctor to approve a port instead. It is surgically placed in the chest where it is not visible or hanging out anywhere. I can't even describe my relief; I really really... like REALLY, was not looking forward to the pick line. It won't be put in in time for my next chemo treatment but that's ok. I'll have a bump in my chest where it'll be put in but, hey man, it's better than having a tube hanging out....
On another note, I'm not one of those women who doesn't look forward to growing older, I'm really happy about it. This is vain, but I feel like I'm looking better as I age! Lol, I know, totally vain.... Hopefully I'll still feel this way at 35. Even being really old can't be that bad. I totally want to be that old lady in the designer suit, Chanel sunglasses, big hair, and at Sunday brunch for margaritas (extra tequila please!) with my novias (i.e. fellow stylishly-attired old lady friends).
And my sister comes home from grad school on my birthday, which I am most ecstatic about. I've really missed her. When she left, listening to Mariah Carey's We Belong Together would make me just cry! Mind you, it's a total love song but for some reason I would always think of her when I heard it. I just love her so much and I'm really happy she'll be home for the holidays.
Really, I don't even care about presents. I like the cake (chocolate), the growing older, the sister coming home, las mananitas, the hugs and kisses.... I don't want presents; this is enough.
The only thing I'm not looking forward to: chemo. That's right, chemo on my birthday. Booooo..... Oh well....
Today I went to get my Neupogen shot. I was supposed to have gotten it yesterday too but the nurses couldn't find the order so I'd gone for nothing.... But today was a productive hospital day. Tomorrow I'm going to learn how to give myself the shots. I'm going to try really hard to get over the fear because it really is useful to know. And... I canceled the pick line! So my new nurse BFF, Diana, helped me to get my doctor to approve a port instead. It is surgically placed in the chest where it is not visible or hanging out anywhere. I can't even describe my relief; I really really... like REALLY, was not looking forward to the pick line. It won't be put in in time for my next chemo treatment but that's ok. I'll have a bump in my chest where it'll be put in but, hey man, it's better than having a tube hanging out....
Sunday, December 3, 2006
My cancer, my cancer, my cancer, my cancer... my cancer and me!
I'm not going to lie, these last few days have sucked. I had chemo this last Wednesday and although uneventful (for once), it hit me nasty style the days after. Well, not that nasty, but nastier than usual. Sleep was my greatest ally.
The best news is that I had a PET scan done on Tuesday and... most of the cancer is gone! Yeah!!! To quote my doctor, "Before, you were lit up like a X-mas tree and now there's pretty much nothing. Just a few random spots." So, needless to say, I am ecstatic. However, I had hoped that that would mean less chemo but it doesn't seem likely. She said I would still need to do the 6 months we had originally discussed but my question is, if it's almost all gone after 2 months, why do I need to do another 4 months? It's like, I know that they just want to make sure they get it all, but I'm also concerned with the risks that accompany chemo. I know I should be happy with my results; it's great news. I guess I'm just being greedy, wishing that my chemo sentence had been lowered as well.
I decided I want to look at my medical records; I don't even know why I haven't done it yet. Like, I want to see the PET scans, the CT scans, radiologist reports, doctor's notes, etc. I remember reading someone's warning not to, how you may not like what you discover in terms of how bad your condition was/is. But I wonder how much I even know, or knew, about the true state of my "condition." Like, it's hard for me to believe I have cancer sometimes. I look at myself and I don't see a cancer patient, even though that's what I am, I guess. Maybe I just have a morbid hope that I'll learn I was worse off than what I thought I was. Maybe I need to think that I was sicker than what I thought to justify 6 months of chemo.
I don't know why I even complain. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because ultimately, I am lucky. Hodgkins is really treatable and curable. Too bad the treatment sucks. But it is good to know that I'll be fine, that I'm still going to live a normal life once this is done. I'll probably be all psycho paranoid about my health but that's ok. I try not to complain too much about this because I can't change it and it's too serious. I'll save my complaining for the trivial things, like the weather, traffic, being broke, having no direction in life... you know, that kind of stuff.
Anyways, two new things are happening this week. Tomorrow I'm going to try to learn how to give myself shots. On the weeks I don't have chemo I go to the hospital to get shots of a drug (Neupogen) that encourages my bone marrow to produce white blood cells. I have to admit that it's a waste of time to go to the hospital just to get one shot (but I go everyday for 3 days) so I have to learn so that I can teach someone else and they can give it to me at home. I just know I can't bear to do it myself so someone else just has to do it!
Now the second thing.... Apparently all my drama with the IV and my veins was just too much, the nurses couldn't handle it anymore. So they ganged up on me and told my doctor who suggested (more like insisted on) something called a pick line.... I felt so betrayed. Why you ask? Well, let me tell you what a pick line is. They take a long small tube and put it into one of your veins from somewhere on the top half of the arm and then a little tube hangs out and that's where they hook you up with the chemo drugs. Basically no more poking you with needles looking for a suitable vein. But there's a tube hanging out of your arm!!! That and the little tube in the vein goes all the way inside to some main vein near the chest. I tried to talk my doctor out of it but she wasn't having it. Damn nurses. Can't a person freak out about their veins anymore before someone wants to stick a tube in there and have another tube hang out?! So on Wednesday I'm going in to get the pick line put in. They said they cover it with gauze and bind it so it doesn't just hang out. I also have to go in once a week to get it flushed (which I think means they clean it). Hopefully I won't pass out on my way there.
Well, that's what's up on the cancer front.
The best news is that I had a PET scan done on Tuesday and... most of the cancer is gone! Yeah!!! To quote my doctor, "Before, you were lit up like a X-mas tree and now there's pretty much nothing. Just a few random spots." So, needless to say, I am ecstatic. However, I had hoped that that would mean less chemo but it doesn't seem likely. She said I would still need to do the 6 months we had originally discussed but my question is, if it's almost all gone after 2 months, why do I need to do another 4 months? It's like, I know that they just want to make sure they get it all, but I'm also concerned with the risks that accompany chemo. I know I should be happy with my results; it's great news. I guess I'm just being greedy, wishing that my chemo sentence had been lowered as well.
I decided I want to look at my medical records; I don't even know why I haven't done it yet. Like, I want to see the PET scans, the CT scans, radiologist reports, doctor's notes, etc. I remember reading someone's warning not to, how you may not like what you discover in terms of how bad your condition was/is. But I wonder how much I even know, or knew, about the true state of my "condition." Like, it's hard for me to believe I have cancer sometimes. I look at myself and I don't see a cancer patient, even though that's what I am, I guess. Maybe I just have a morbid hope that I'll learn I was worse off than what I thought I was. Maybe I need to think that I was sicker than what I thought to justify 6 months of chemo.
I don't know why I even complain. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because ultimately, I am lucky. Hodgkins is really treatable and curable. Too bad the treatment sucks. But it is good to know that I'll be fine, that I'm still going to live a normal life once this is done. I'll probably be all psycho paranoid about my health but that's ok. I try not to complain too much about this because I can't change it and it's too serious. I'll save my complaining for the trivial things, like the weather, traffic, being broke, having no direction in life... you know, that kind of stuff.
Anyways, two new things are happening this week. Tomorrow I'm going to try to learn how to give myself shots. On the weeks I don't have chemo I go to the hospital to get shots of a drug (Neupogen) that encourages my bone marrow to produce white blood cells. I have to admit that it's a waste of time to go to the hospital just to get one shot (but I go everyday for 3 days) so I have to learn so that I can teach someone else and they can give it to me at home. I just know I can't bear to do it myself so someone else just has to do it!
Now the second thing.... Apparently all my drama with the IV and my veins was just too much, the nurses couldn't handle it anymore. So they ganged up on me and told my doctor who suggested (more like insisted on) something called a pick line.... I felt so betrayed. Why you ask? Well, let me tell you what a pick line is. They take a long small tube and put it into one of your veins from somewhere on the top half of the arm and then a little tube hangs out and that's where they hook you up with the chemo drugs. Basically no more poking you with needles looking for a suitable vein. But there's a tube hanging out of your arm!!! That and the little tube in the vein goes all the way inside to some main vein near the chest. I tried to talk my doctor out of it but she wasn't having it. Damn nurses. Can't a person freak out about their veins anymore before someone wants to stick a tube in there and have another tube hang out?! So on Wednesday I'm going in to get the pick line put in. They said they cover it with gauze and bind it so it doesn't just hang out. I also have to go in once a week to get it flushed (which I think means they clean it). Hopefully I won't pass out on my way there.
Well, that's what's up on the cancer front.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Was (Am) I A Quitter?
I know it's been awhile since I've written, it's been an eventful 2 weeks. I guess I'll start with the biggest change.
My ex-boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. To make a long story short, we had a nasty break up last year and I told him to stop contacting me and I never saw him again, that is, up until the day (2 weeks ago) I called to tell him about my cancer and to apologize if I'd hurt his feelings by breaking the contact between us so drastically. We ended up going out to dinner together two days later and... it's felt like we never parted.
I stayed away from this blog because I really wrestled (in my mind) with what my role in our break up had been. I started trying to write about it a week ago but couldn't organize my thoughts so I stopped. Even now, I hope that this comes out the way I mean it to.
I look at people in relationships around me or, even better, at marriages around me and I try to figure out how they've survived their ups and downs. Granted, I realize relationships are not perfect, that you work together to weather the storms. But where do you draw the line to discern when to stay or when to go?
My parents had their 28 yr anniversary last week and honestly, it’s been a rocky 28 yrs. I didn’t know whether to be happy for them for making it this far, or sad because maybe it would have been better for both of them if they’d just separated earlier. They’re not happy now, they just have this tenuous and distant understanding. My brother and his girlfriend, on the other hand, have been together for about a year now and have survived a myriad of problems. Granted, it could be because they’re still young (18/19) and it’s only been a year, but they’ve faced things together that would have severely tested older and more established relationships. His girlfriend has supported and encouraged him through all his low points and problems and has helped him improve his life. They seem really happy together.
All of this leads me to wonder how I respond to problems in my own relationships. My ex- boyfriend and I had been together for 3 months (yes only 3 months, but it was an intense 3 months!) last summer when we hit that mountain on the road. But I didn’t stay, I walked away and refused to look back. I didn’t want to work things through, talk things out, or support each other out of the pit we had fallen in. I was unwilling to believe that things could get better, that he could be better. I just quit.
It’s too late to think about whether things could have changed for the best if I’d stayed. But what I’ve wondered, the question I originally posed, is how do you know when to continue or when it‘s over? How many relationships have weathered those storms together and grown stronger because of it? How many couples have overcome infidelity, depression, a health crisis, financial problems, etc. etc.? How much are you willing to bear for the person you love, hoping for brighter days? How will you know that no matter what you do, it’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better, and you’re better off letting go? How do you know?
You don’t and that’s what has plagued me these last 2 weeks. Did I quit just because the going got a little too rough? I didn't even give us a chance to find out if we could have overcome our problems and grown together through it. Now it’s too late to wonder about the past, but my ex-boyfriend and I are on the threshold of a new beginning and while I don’t want the past to taint the now, I remember how hard it became; I just want to be cautious. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, writing all this down. I just hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes.
My ex-boyfriend and I have started seeing each other again. To make a long story short, we had a nasty break up last year and I told him to stop contacting me and I never saw him again, that is, up until the day (2 weeks ago) I called to tell him about my cancer and to apologize if I'd hurt his feelings by breaking the contact between us so drastically. We ended up going out to dinner together two days later and... it's felt like we never parted.
I stayed away from this blog because I really wrestled (in my mind) with what my role in our break up had been. I started trying to write about it a week ago but couldn't organize my thoughts so I stopped. Even now, I hope that this comes out the way I mean it to.
I look at people in relationships around me or, even better, at marriages around me and I try to figure out how they've survived their ups and downs. Granted, I realize relationships are not perfect, that you work together to weather the storms. But where do you draw the line to discern when to stay or when to go?
My parents had their 28 yr anniversary last week and honestly, it’s been a rocky 28 yrs. I didn’t know whether to be happy for them for making it this far, or sad because maybe it would have been better for both of them if they’d just separated earlier. They’re not happy now, they just have this tenuous and distant understanding. My brother and his girlfriend, on the other hand, have been together for about a year now and have survived a myriad of problems. Granted, it could be because they’re still young (18/19) and it’s only been a year, but they’ve faced things together that would have severely tested older and more established relationships. His girlfriend has supported and encouraged him through all his low points and problems and has helped him improve his life. They seem really happy together.
All of this leads me to wonder how I respond to problems in my own relationships. My ex- boyfriend and I had been together for 3 months (yes only 3 months, but it was an intense 3 months!) last summer when we hit that mountain on the road. But I didn’t stay, I walked away and refused to look back. I didn’t want to work things through, talk things out, or support each other out of the pit we had fallen in. I was unwilling to believe that things could get better, that he could be better. I just quit.
It’s too late to think about whether things could have changed for the best if I’d stayed. But what I’ve wondered, the question I originally posed, is how do you know when to continue or when it‘s over? How many relationships have weathered those storms together and grown stronger because of it? How many couples have overcome infidelity, depression, a health crisis, financial problems, etc. etc.? How much are you willing to bear for the person you love, hoping for brighter days? How will you know that no matter what you do, it’s never going to change, it’s never going to get better, and you’re better off letting go? How do you know?
You don’t and that’s what has plagued me these last 2 weeks. Did I quit just because the going got a little too rough? I didn't even give us a chance to find out if we could have overcome our problems and grown together through it. Now it’s too late to wonder about the past, but my ex-boyfriend and I are on the threshold of a new beginning and while I don’t want the past to taint the now, I remember how hard it became; I just want to be cautious. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here, writing all this down. I just hope that both of us have learned from our mistakes.
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