It started already! Had I not gone to the mall today I would have missed it! Sometimes it's just these simple joys that can bring a girl so much happiness............
Anyways, enough about underwear....... Today I met with the tranplant doctor and I also had like a 2 hour meeting with my transplant coordinator. It was a little..... I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I can't believe I'm actually gonna do it. And the more appointments I go to, the more I talk about it, the less out-of-the-ordinary it seems. I guess it's a good thing, makes it less scary. This is what my normal is now........
July will be a busy month. They want to make sure that every organ in my body is working properly so I'm taking lots of tests: chest x-ray, EKG, MUGA, pulmonary function test, another bone marrow biopsy (I had one back when I first started treatment), tests for my liver, blood work, and another CT and PET scan. I have the last round of salvage chemo and then prep for the transplant begins! It's not going to be at the hospital I always go to (Bellflower) but at a cancer center called City of Hope, which is about 30-45 minutes north from where I live. It has a great reputation and apparently lots of transplants happen there so I know I'm in good hands.
So I was thinking about my friends today. I was thinking about my friends crossing those adult milestones. Getting married, buying a house, having kids, having a "real" job in a chosen career. How do they do it? And they make it look so easy. Other than cancer, what do I got? It's funny because everything that I wanted to change about my life before is working to my advantage now that I have cancer. Thank goodness I live with my parents and don't have to pay rent somewhere, I don't drive so I don't have car or insurance payments, I've been at my job long enough to be able to go on leave and still keep my health benefits, I don't have kids who would be affected, or a husband who's stressed out. Living at home, not having a car, staying at my not-great job, and not having kids or a husband has been great for my sanity now. Some might even say I'm lucky...... I don't have to worry about these things, all I have to worry about is fighting cancer. I can't be bothered with these things while I'm fighting cancer you know.
I don't know why but I have to stop myself from laughing. Can you imagine, it may not matter what I accomplish or don't accomplish someday, as long as I beat cancer now, that can be the biggest success of my life. Beating cancer trumps all! Lol.......... it's too funny........ Ok stop, I thinks it's only funny to me........
Anyways, thank God for cancer for putting things in perspective........
Ok, seriously, after I'm done beating cancer, I'm going to have to do something big. I don't know what it is yet, but somethings going to have to happen. Maybe I should take a big trip somewhere, like Fiji or Greece. Something to make me feel alive and grateful to be on this planet............
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Other Stuff
All I wrote about was cancer. But cancer isn't the only thing in my life.
I bought myself a nice present before leaving Bloomingdale's: white with violet lenses Gucci aviators. My favorite! I needed a pre-treatment present.
I had lunch with my friend Bertha while she was here. Again, I felt a little guilty because I couldn't go out and party with her but she understood why. It was great to see her, she's as cute as ever!
Clay and I are..... working on being friends. And it's working. He came to see me at the hospital Wednesday and that was nice.
My friend Jorge just got engaged and that was enough to spur a flurry of phone calls to and from my nearest and dearest, lol. I can look forward to another wedding, lol.
My other friend Adri wants to come visit me but we haven't been able to set a date for her to come. The thing is, I don't want her to come on days when I have to go to treatment or when I don't feel well because of it. And the whole month of August is out. I'm hoping maybe the beginning of September might be best. She wants to come to see me and bring me some Adri magic when I feel down...... I have really good friends.........
I'd like to call everyone who has called me the last couple of months but sometimes, I just don't feel like being on the phone. I feel guilty because I know I should return their calls and I'm just being lazy. Well, I have lots of time again so there will be plenty of opportunities.
My poor cat is traumatized. I'm pretty sure the doctors are gonna tell me it's time to limit my interactions with her. However, she's used to being around me and in my room, it's where her food and kitty litter are. She also sleeps with me at night, usually at the foot of the bed or next to my back. In anticipation of my doctor's orders, I made plans with my brother Sergio to take her but she wasn't very happy about that. We moved her food and litter out of my room but she refuses to leave. She hides under the bed and won't come out. When she does and we try to take her to Sergio's room, she flips out and claws and cries. Everyone tells me to just lock her out of my room and let her cry, but I can't! Poor thing, this is uprooting her sense of stability and order. So, I'll let her have access to my room but her food and litter will be kept in another room closer to mine so that the proximity will comfort her. But she's not allowed on my bed or in my room at night. Jeez my cat drama!
I've been really lucky to have my mom around. She's definitely much more involved this time and it's just so comforting to feel taken care of like that again. One of the last days I worked, she took me to work and dropped me off across the street. She'd packed me a lunch so I had it in one hand and my tote bag in another. I crossed the street, had my lunch bag in one hand, and was adjusting my purse with the other. I turned around one last time to look for her and see if she was still there. She was and she was watching me so I waved and she waved back before leaving. And it just hit me, this feeling of being a little girl again, with my mom dropping me off at school with my lunch and my backpack, and I turn around with uncertainty one last time, just to reassure myself that she's still there, and she is and it comforts me. That's how I felt. It was such a poignant and touching moment. I guess that's how I feel. Like this little girl who looks to her mother to protect her and love her. She gives me strength when mine's starts to falter. Oh my goodness, I think I'll stop because now I'm getting choked up. I love my mom and words cannot express how much her love carries me now.
So for the next couple of weeks, it's rest, rest, rest!
I bought myself a nice present before leaving Bloomingdale's: white with violet lenses Gucci aviators. My favorite! I needed a pre-treatment present.
I had lunch with my friend Bertha while she was here. Again, I felt a little guilty because I couldn't go out and party with her but she understood why. It was great to see her, she's as cute as ever!
Clay and I are..... working on being friends. And it's working. He came to see me at the hospital Wednesday and that was nice.
My friend Jorge just got engaged and that was enough to spur a flurry of phone calls to and from my nearest and dearest, lol. I can look forward to another wedding, lol.
My other friend Adri wants to come visit me but we haven't been able to set a date for her to come. The thing is, I don't want her to come on days when I have to go to treatment or when I don't feel well because of it. And the whole month of August is out. I'm hoping maybe the beginning of September might be best. She wants to come to see me and bring me some Adri magic when I feel down...... I have really good friends.........
I'd like to call everyone who has called me the last couple of months but sometimes, I just don't feel like being on the phone. I feel guilty because I know I should return their calls and I'm just being lazy. Well, I have lots of time again so there will be plenty of opportunities.
My poor cat is traumatized. I'm pretty sure the doctors are gonna tell me it's time to limit my interactions with her. However, she's used to being around me and in my room, it's where her food and kitty litter are. She also sleeps with me at night, usually at the foot of the bed or next to my back. In anticipation of my doctor's orders, I made plans with my brother Sergio to take her but she wasn't very happy about that. We moved her food and litter out of my room but she refuses to leave. She hides under the bed and won't come out. When she does and we try to take her to Sergio's room, she flips out and claws and cries. Everyone tells me to just lock her out of my room and let her cry, but I can't! Poor thing, this is uprooting her sense of stability and order. So, I'll let her have access to my room but her food and litter will be kept in another room closer to mine so that the proximity will comfort her. But she's not allowed on my bed or in my room at night. Jeez my cat drama!
I've been really lucky to have my mom around. She's definitely much more involved this time and it's just so comforting to feel taken care of like that again. One of the last days I worked, she took me to work and dropped me off across the street. She'd packed me a lunch so I had it in one hand and my tote bag in another. I crossed the street, had my lunch bag in one hand, and was adjusting my purse with the other. I turned around one last time to look for her and see if she was still there. She was and she was watching me so I waved and she waved back before leaving. And it just hit me, this feeling of being a little girl again, with my mom dropping me off at school with my lunch and my backpack, and I turn around with uncertainty one last time, just to reassure myself that she's still there, and she is and it comforts me. That's how I felt. It was such a poignant and touching moment. I guess that's how I feel. Like this little girl who looks to her mother to protect her and love her. She gives me strength when mine's starts to falter. Oh my goodness, I think I'll stop because now I'm getting choked up. I love my mom and words cannot express how much her love carries me now.
So for the next couple of weeks, it's rest, rest, rest!
Back on the Train
Well, I got the results of my biopsy and PET scan earlier than expected. Not good news...... I still have Hodgkin's and it has spread. Damn cancer......
So I stopped working again, this past Monday was my last day. I worked for one full month. I think it took me half that time just to get used to being back at work again, lol. Having the extra income really helped though and I was able to renew my health insurance coverage for the year, so it was worth it.
So........... I'm back on chemotherapy, a different kind though. It's called ICE and it's salvage chemotherapy. Apparently it's a little more intense and they also do it to see if I'll still respond to chemotherapy. It's a 3 day event. The first day is only one hour of chemo (Tuesday). The 2nd and 3rd day are together because it's 27 hours. Yup, 27 hours of chemo. On Wednesday I was checked into the hospital in the morning and they hooked me up to an IV which ran for almost 30 hours. I was discharged yesterday (Thursday) like at midnight. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I expected, seriously. When I went in on Tuesday, I thought all my old fears, phobias, and associations would return in full force but they didn't. I kept giving myself pep talks though so that might have helped, "You are not nauseous, you are not nauseous!," "This soup is yummy, this soup is yummy! And you love vegetables, you love vegetables!" Hey, whatever works. When I went home I wasn't tired and still didn't feel nauseous so I considered it a successful day. This really helped me face days 2 and 3. My biggest fear was the nausea and it's been noticeably absent. None on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or so far today. It's been the biggest consolation to date, lol. Pain I can so so stand, but nausea....... let's just be thankful it's not a problem....... yet...........
So this little 3 day parade I only have to do twice. So I go back in 3 weeks for the last one. Yeah! After that, the next phase of my treatment kicks in............. I'll be doing a bone marrow transplant. Yup, they dropped the big BMT on me. Radiation is no longer an option because my cancer is spread over too large an area. It's a misconception though because what I'm actually going to do is more of a stem cell infusion, but bone marrow transplant is what everyone calls it. Basically they'll take out some of my platelets or marrow and freeze them. Then I'll get high dose chemotherapy that will shut down my immune system completely but is suppose to kill off all the cancer. Then they give me back what they froze and there! I spend a couple months recovering........ hopefully cancer-free.
It's funny because I thought I would freak out. Like just freak the fuck out. But.... I feel as if I've become more determined. I've had it with Hodgkin's! I want it done, out, gone! Whatever it takes! This is not to say I'm not scared and that I haven't cried. I am and have. But before, the treatment itself was the my main source of my fears. Now, it's the cancer. This whole time before I just wanted treatment to end, treatment was ruining my life. Once treatment was over, I figured everything would get better. I assumed treatment would work. But it didn't. I've realized my beef is with cancer. I need to battle cancer, not my treatment. Having changed this mentality, I am able to accept the treatment that awaits me. Granted I'm scared and it'll probably be hard sometimes, but I need to do this. I need to do what it takes to get rid of this cancer.
It should happen sometime in August. I'll probably go in the beginning of August and I'll be at the hospital for at least 3-4 weeks. I have an appointment with the transplant doctor next Monday so I'll know better then the dates. In total, they anticipate that I'll be out of work for 6 months. That's not that bad. After August it's just recovery time.
My biggest wish: 6 months from now I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday. I want a cake with candles, and when I blow them out, I want to be able to say, "I'm 28 today and I'm cancer-free." I was diagnosed at 26, celebrated 27 with cancer, but 28 I hope will be without it. That is my biggest wish.
So I stopped working again, this past Monday was my last day. I worked for one full month. I think it took me half that time just to get used to being back at work again, lol. Having the extra income really helped though and I was able to renew my health insurance coverage for the year, so it was worth it.
So........... I'm back on chemotherapy, a different kind though. It's called ICE and it's salvage chemotherapy. Apparently it's a little more intense and they also do it to see if I'll still respond to chemotherapy. It's a 3 day event. The first day is only one hour of chemo (Tuesday). The 2nd and 3rd day are together because it's 27 hours. Yup, 27 hours of chemo. On Wednesday I was checked into the hospital in the morning and they hooked me up to an IV which ran for almost 30 hours. I was discharged yesterday (Thursday) like at midnight. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I expected, seriously. When I went in on Tuesday, I thought all my old fears, phobias, and associations would return in full force but they didn't. I kept giving myself pep talks though so that might have helped, "You are not nauseous, you are not nauseous!," "This soup is yummy, this soup is yummy! And you love vegetables, you love vegetables!" Hey, whatever works. When I went home I wasn't tired and still didn't feel nauseous so I considered it a successful day. This really helped me face days 2 and 3. My biggest fear was the nausea and it's been noticeably absent. None on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or so far today. It's been the biggest consolation to date, lol. Pain I can so so stand, but nausea....... let's just be thankful it's not a problem....... yet...........
So this little 3 day parade I only have to do twice. So I go back in 3 weeks for the last one. Yeah! After that, the next phase of my treatment kicks in............. I'll be doing a bone marrow transplant. Yup, they dropped the big BMT on me. Radiation is no longer an option because my cancer is spread over too large an area. It's a misconception though because what I'm actually going to do is more of a stem cell infusion, but bone marrow transplant is what everyone calls it. Basically they'll take out some of my platelets or marrow and freeze them. Then I'll get high dose chemotherapy that will shut down my immune system completely but is suppose to kill off all the cancer. Then they give me back what they froze and there! I spend a couple months recovering........ hopefully cancer-free.
It's funny because I thought I would freak out. Like just freak the fuck out. But.... I feel as if I've become more determined. I've had it with Hodgkin's! I want it done, out, gone! Whatever it takes! This is not to say I'm not scared and that I haven't cried. I am and have. But before, the treatment itself was the my main source of my fears. Now, it's the cancer. This whole time before I just wanted treatment to end, treatment was ruining my life. Once treatment was over, I figured everything would get better. I assumed treatment would work. But it didn't. I've realized my beef is with cancer. I need to battle cancer, not my treatment. Having changed this mentality, I am able to accept the treatment that awaits me. Granted I'm scared and it'll probably be hard sometimes, but I need to do this. I need to do what it takes to get rid of this cancer.
It should happen sometime in August. I'll probably go in the beginning of August and I'll be at the hospital for at least 3-4 weeks. I have an appointment with the transplant doctor next Monday so I'll know better then the dates. In total, they anticipate that I'll be out of work for 6 months. That's not that bad. After August it's just recovery time.
My biggest wish: 6 months from now I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday. I want a cake with candles, and when I blow them out, I want to be able to say, "I'm 28 today and I'm cancer-free." I was diagnosed at 26, celebrated 27 with cancer, but 28 I hope will be without it. That is my biggest wish.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Whew!
Ok......
So Friday I wake up at 5am to be at the hospital by 6:45am (yes it took me an hour to shower and get ready and 45 minutes to get there). I wait for an hour before they finally let us know (everyone in the waiting room) that their computer is down and that they were waiting for a technician to fix it. An hour later they get it fixed and tell me that in another hour they will do my scan. Thank God I was the #2 appointment for the day. So finally at 9:30am they do the scan and I'm out by 10am. Problem is I had an appointment across town with the head and neck surgeon at 10:45am and there is no way I'll be able to make it in time now. So I call to cancel and reschedule but the next available appointment isn't until June 21st. Not good. So I don't reschedule.
However, I had already seen another head and neck surgeon in another city back in May and the only reason I made the Friday appointment was because it was in a hospital that was closer to me. My mom always says,"Dios sabe lo que hace," and I took it to heart on Friday. On my way home, the surgeon from the other city (Baldwin Park, which even I didn't know where it was until the night before my appointment when I looked it up and it was too late to cancel) calls me and tells me that he feels that it's really important that I get the biopsy done sooner rather than later so he tells me he can do it Monday. Sweet! I take it.
On my way home I also realize that it's the last day to sign up for health insurance at my job and I haven't done it yet. So I go to my job and sign up for health insurance, go to the post office and drop off some netflix movies, and go to the bank to deposit some money. I finally get home at 3pm. All I want to do is take a nap. However, the house is a flurry of activity because of Diego's graduation. So no nap for me. We have a nice dinner at 5pm, go to the graduation at 7pm, come home at 9:30pm, and go pick up Danette at 10pm. By 11:30pm we are at the 80s bar, 3 of Clubs.
This place is like a hidden gem in LA. It's in lower Hollywood so it's not too trendy, there's never a line, it gets full but not packed (which I love because I hate when a place is so packed you can't even move), the music is great, and the drinks are average price. Mind you, the outside looks like a hole in the wall and doesn't even have their name displayed, just a neon sign that says COCKTAILS. We're there until we get kicked out and then we hang out in the parking lot forever because my sister wants to say her long goodbyes to everyone. Then we go to a taco place to eat and some fat lesbians start yelling at us because they think we're talking trash about them. We just laugh and continue to eat and they finally shut up. We make it home at 4am and my sister promptly falls asleep. Of course I'm paranoid she'll miss her flight (it's happened to me too many times) so I stay awake and get her up at 4:30am. She speed packs and is out the door at 4:45am. I'm impressed. I finally lay down at 5am and pass out. Ahhhhhhhh......................
Saturday morning Danette wakes me up at 10:30am. I convince her to let me lay there until noon. Today is shopping day! We leave my house at like 3pm and I take her to Pasadena and we go to the stores she doesn't have in Nashville. So we hit up H&M, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and some boutiques. We go to the Barney's Beanery there and drink a Blue Moon with a slice of orange and eat. We go home and my best friend here in LA, Erasto, picks us up and we go to The Abbey for drinks. It's a gay bar in West Hollywood which has the best drinks in the city. They're expensive but they pack a punch. I usually can't drink more than 2, otherwise I end up wasted. So 1 pineapple mojito and 1 apple martini later, I am buzzing but dead tired. We go home and go to bed by 3am.
Sunday Danette wakes me up at 9am. Today is beach day! So guess where we go? Nope, not Venice, not Santa Monica, not Malibu, not Manhattan Beach, or Redondo, or Hermosa. Erasto surprises us by driving halfway to San Diego to............ a nude beach. Of course, with mostly men. We get there and I am so overwhelmed with penises that I fall asleep on the beach for 3 hours (fully clothed!). They wake me up and we drive back to LA and go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Lol, and we all order (it was 5 of us) the same thing, 1 chicken breast and 1 waffle and macaroni and cheese on the side. It was heaven. Danette and I get back to my house like at 8:45pm and we just talk till 10:30pm. Thank God we're both exhausted and we go to bed soon after.
Monday we both get up at 9am. Danette leaves today and I have surgery! You know, I can literally go on and on about how much I love Danette, but I'll save it for another time. We get ready, she packs, and we say our goodbyes. I leave at 11:30am for the hospital and my brother's girlfriend takes Danette to the airport at 12pm. I feel bad because I feel like I wasn't the greatest host since I was always tired. But I was really happy she was here and just being in her company, regardless of what we were doing, was enough.
At the hospital they scare me because they can't find my appointment in their computer system but it turns out I went to the wrong floor. So I finally check in and..... that's it! I had a moment in the pre-op room where I realize that I'm wearing brown slipper socks, white and orange leg covers (to encourage circulation and prevent blood clots), a floral hospital gown, and a light blue hairnet, and I just start laughing and I can't stop. Taken out of context, I realized how ridiculous I must look and it just made me laugh. One of the male nurses tells me that I have a great attitude and how good that is. It's funny because I get that alot. And for the most part, I am just me, just plain old happy smiley Maria. But I told him I have my moments. I don't know how natural it would be if you didn't get sad now and then.
Anyways, in the operating room, as soon as I get there they put the face mask on me and it feels like all I do is take 2 breaths and I'm out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. It's like 6pm and my mom is on her way to pick me up. The left side of my neck has a bandage on but I get to take it off in 2 days. They give me some morphine for the pain (me likey the morphine, mmmmmm.........) and a prescription for Vicodin. Finally my mom takes me home. On our way home, my phone rings....... it's Bertha and she's coming this Friday!!!!!!
Oh my goodness............. I get home and just go to bed............
So I called out of work on Saturday because Danette was here and I didn't want to go to work. That and I woke up feeling like shit. I swear, too much activity and excitement and I end up needing a lot of rest. I also called out today because of the surgery and I might call out tomorrow too. Because the doctor scheduled me in at the last minute, I couldn't ask for the time off ahead of time. I'm gonna regret it when I see my paycheck but oh well. Today I feel fine. Actually I feel better than when I had the port put in. Maybe it's because the port was put in when I was doing chemo so I was weaker then. I'll be back at work hopefully by Thursday, which is also the day I take off the bandage.
I made an appointment with the transplant doctor in 3 weeks. By then the PET scan and biopsy results should be in. Here's hoping for good results!!!!!
And that was my weekend!
In other news, I think it's over between Clay and I. We got in a big fight over 2 weeks ago and haven't spoken since. In my world, that's technically a break up. I miss him and I'm sad that it's over but I think it's for the best. Now is just not a good time. I just need some peace and quiet...............
So Friday I wake up at 5am to be at the hospital by 6:45am (yes it took me an hour to shower and get ready and 45 minutes to get there). I wait for an hour before they finally let us know (everyone in the waiting room) that their computer is down and that they were waiting for a technician to fix it. An hour later they get it fixed and tell me that in another hour they will do my scan. Thank God I was the #2 appointment for the day. So finally at 9:30am they do the scan and I'm out by 10am. Problem is I had an appointment across town with the head and neck surgeon at 10:45am and there is no way I'll be able to make it in time now. So I call to cancel and reschedule but the next available appointment isn't until June 21st. Not good. So I don't reschedule.
However, I had already seen another head and neck surgeon in another city back in May and the only reason I made the Friday appointment was because it was in a hospital that was closer to me. My mom always says,"Dios sabe lo que hace," and I took it to heart on Friday. On my way home, the surgeon from the other city (Baldwin Park, which even I didn't know where it was until the night before my appointment when I looked it up and it was too late to cancel) calls me and tells me that he feels that it's really important that I get the biopsy done sooner rather than later so he tells me he can do it Monday. Sweet! I take it.
On my way home I also realize that it's the last day to sign up for health insurance at my job and I haven't done it yet. So I go to my job and sign up for health insurance, go to the post office and drop off some netflix movies, and go to the bank to deposit some money. I finally get home at 3pm. All I want to do is take a nap. However, the house is a flurry of activity because of Diego's graduation. So no nap for me. We have a nice dinner at 5pm, go to the graduation at 7pm, come home at 9:30pm, and go pick up Danette at 10pm. By 11:30pm we are at the 80s bar, 3 of Clubs.
This place is like a hidden gem in LA. It's in lower Hollywood so it's not too trendy, there's never a line, it gets full but not packed (which I love because I hate when a place is so packed you can't even move), the music is great, and the drinks are average price. Mind you, the outside looks like a hole in the wall and doesn't even have their name displayed, just a neon sign that says COCKTAILS. We're there until we get kicked out and then we hang out in the parking lot forever because my sister wants to say her long goodbyes to everyone. Then we go to a taco place to eat and some fat lesbians start yelling at us because they think we're talking trash about them. We just laugh and continue to eat and they finally shut up. We make it home at 4am and my sister promptly falls asleep. Of course I'm paranoid she'll miss her flight (it's happened to me too many times) so I stay awake and get her up at 4:30am. She speed packs and is out the door at 4:45am. I'm impressed. I finally lay down at 5am and pass out. Ahhhhhhhh......................
Saturday morning Danette wakes me up at 10:30am. I convince her to let me lay there until noon. Today is shopping day! We leave my house at like 3pm and I take her to Pasadena and we go to the stores she doesn't have in Nashville. So we hit up H&M, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and some boutiques. We go to the Barney's Beanery there and drink a Blue Moon with a slice of orange and eat. We go home and my best friend here in LA, Erasto, picks us up and we go to The Abbey for drinks. It's a gay bar in West Hollywood which has the best drinks in the city. They're expensive but they pack a punch. I usually can't drink more than 2, otherwise I end up wasted. So 1 pineapple mojito and 1 apple martini later, I am buzzing but dead tired. We go home and go to bed by 3am.
Sunday Danette wakes me up at 9am. Today is beach day! So guess where we go? Nope, not Venice, not Santa Monica, not Malibu, not Manhattan Beach, or Redondo, or Hermosa. Erasto surprises us by driving halfway to San Diego to............ a nude beach. Of course, with mostly men. We get there and I am so overwhelmed with penises that I fall asleep on the beach for 3 hours (fully clothed!). They wake me up and we drive back to LA and go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Lol, and we all order (it was 5 of us) the same thing, 1 chicken breast and 1 waffle and macaroni and cheese on the side. It was heaven. Danette and I get back to my house like at 8:45pm and we just talk till 10:30pm. Thank God we're both exhausted and we go to bed soon after.
Monday we both get up at 9am. Danette leaves today and I have surgery! You know, I can literally go on and on about how much I love Danette, but I'll save it for another time. We get ready, she packs, and we say our goodbyes. I leave at 11:30am for the hospital and my brother's girlfriend takes Danette to the airport at 12pm. I feel bad because I feel like I wasn't the greatest host since I was always tired. But I was really happy she was here and just being in her company, regardless of what we were doing, was enough.
At the hospital they scare me because they can't find my appointment in their computer system but it turns out I went to the wrong floor. So I finally check in and..... that's it! I had a moment in the pre-op room where I realize that I'm wearing brown slipper socks, white and orange leg covers (to encourage circulation and prevent blood clots), a floral hospital gown, and a light blue hairnet, and I just start laughing and I can't stop. Taken out of context, I realized how ridiculous I must look and it just made me laugh. One of the male nurses tells me that I have a great attitude and how good that is. It's funny because I get that alot. And for the most part, I am just me, just plain old happy smiley Maria. But I told him I have my moments. I don't know how natural it would be if you didn't get sad now and then.
Anyways, in the operating room, as soon as I get there they put the face mask on me and it feels like all I do is take 2 breaths and I'm out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. It's like 6pm and my mom is on her way to pick me up. The left side of my neck has a bandage on but I get to take it off in 2 days. They give me some morphine for the pain (me likey the morphine, mmmmmm.........) and a prescription for Vicodin. Finally my mom takes me home. On our way home, my phone rings....... it's Bertha and she's coming this Friday!!!!!!
Oh my goodness............. I get home and just go to bed............
So I called out of work on Saturday because Danette was here and I didn't want to go to work. That and I woke up feeling like shit. I swear, too much activity and excitement and I end up needing a lot of rest. I also called out today because of the surgery and I might call out tomorrow too. Because the doctor scheduled me in at the last minute, I couldn't ask for the time off ahead of time. I'm gonna regret it when I see my paycheck but oh well. Today I feel fine. Actually I feel better than when I had the port put in. Maybe it's because the port was put in when I was doing chemo so I was weaker then. I'll be back at work hopefully by Thursday, which is also the day I take off the bandage.
I made an appointment with the transplant doctor in 3 weeks. By then the PET scan and biopsy results should be in. Here's hoping for good results!!!!!
And that was my weekend!
In other news, I think it's over between Clay and I. We got in a big fight over 2 weeks ago and haven't spoken since. In my world, that's technically a break up. I miss him and I'm sad that it's over but I think it's for the best. Now is just not a good time. I just need some peace and quiet...............
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Expectations: Aren't They a Bitch!
I just realized it's my fault. My expectations were all wrong. I expected things to go back to normal and I was so excited at that prospect. It didn't occur to me that I would have changed. And when things didn't click like I expected them to, I felt let down, betrayed even. I'm trying to force things to be a certain way instead of learning to accept how they are now. But I'm trying. It's just hard.
Kinda reminds me of how it felt when I first realized that my high school friends and I weren't on the same page anymore because my experiences in college had changed me. Or when I first came back to LA after being in Ithaca for 6 years.
Oh man, oh man......
It's coming to me now............
Kinda reminds me of how it felt when I first realized that my high school friends and I weren't on the same page anymore because my experiences in college had changed me. Or when I first came back to LA after being in Ithaca for 6 years.
Oh man, oh man......
It's coming to me now............
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
What's the Difference Between Being in Limbo or Purgatory?
I feel strange.... almost cut off from my body and my surroundings.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.
I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.
That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.
Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.
I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.
Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......
I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.
I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.
I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Back To Work
So I finally returned to work yesterday. Last week the HR manager called to ask me if I would be coming back and I kept giving her mixed messages because I just wasn't sure. It was actually what propelled me to say, "Fuck it, I'm going back to work." Within 2 days I got my doctor to write a note and I started yesterday. It was a little weird at first just because everyone I know kept congratulating me and asking me how I was doing. I know that they're just concerned but having 20 people ask me all day was overwhelming. Then there was the group of people who didn't know why I'd left and they kept asking me where I went and why I cut my hair. So yeah it was a little much but this week I only work 3 days and then next week I'll start full time again. I know that I didn't have to go back to work but I'm glad that I did because I need something to fill the void of the "waiting time." That and I just want to make sure that Bloomingdale's keeps paying my health insurance contribution. The last thing I want is to start paying COBRA, which significantly raises my health insurance payments.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.
So many things, so many things......
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.
I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.
It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.
So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.
Monday, May 7, 2007
It Was So Hot Today!
For Cinco de Mayo I did something I rarely do: I hung out with my brother Sergio. It's not often that we get to hang out so when we do, it makes me really happy. When I went away to college, he was only 11 years old and when I finally came back home, he was 17 already so it's taken us awhile to be able to relate again. Anyways, we were able to hang out and it was really cool (not to say that we don't, it's just not often).
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.
I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.
Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Bored
I met with the transplant doctor almost 2 weeks ago. Based on my most recent PET scan results, he couldn't tell me if the cancer had gone away. Apparently the results showed that there was increased activity but it wasn't clear whether it was cancerous or non-cancerous. So.... we're just gonna wait and see. I'm gonna have another PET scan done the beginning of June. By that point, if my cancer has not gone away, it should be strong enough to show up much more clearly in the scan. It's a little unnerving to realize that I have to wait for the cancer to potentially become stronger in order to decide what my next course of treatment is going to be. If that happens, I'll be considered to have recurring disease, which means a bone marrow transplant (or it might be a stem cell transplant) would be the most likely option.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.
Wait and see....
What can I do? Nothing.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Bad News
I received the results of my PET scan last week. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, my cancer hasn't completely gone away and it seems to have gotten stronger in my chest area. I met with my oncologist and a radiation oncologist but they couldn't tell me what my next course of treatment is going to be. It was suppose to be radiation in the chest area but now I have to meet with a transplant doctor first. I am not looking forward to it. I meet with him in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he'll say that I still just need radiation. The other option they had suggested was a bone marrow transplant after high dose chemotherapy. I'm trying to avoid this if at all possible.
I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.
So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.
To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....
Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.
I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.
On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.
I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.
So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.
To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....
Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.
I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.
On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Eat Your Heart Out Charlie Brown!
This last weekend I went to Virginia to visit Clay's parents. I really enjoyed my trip but I came home feeling so exhausted.
Staying with Clay's parents made me see how differently Clay and I grew up. He had such an American Pie type of upbringing and mine was classic immigrant story. It made me think of how different our backgrounds are and how I've never actually gotten to know anyone like him before, even at Cornell. I used to think that I could never date someone who wasn't like me (in terms of background), or who didn't have an idea of what it was like to be a Latino in the US. I guess I just saw how opposite we can be in some ways.... And yet.... I like that we've bonded on a different level.
His parents were so nice and understanding. Again, I see how our respective relationships with our parents is different. I think mine is more respectful but not as honest and his is less respectful but more open and honest. I just loved his parents. For the first time, I can see how when relationships end, it's heartbreaking to leave the parents as well. Too bad we can't keep them as consolation prizes.
I was also able to see my friend Marty while I was there. I hadn't seen him in like 5 years almost so it was really cool that we had a chance to hang out. Hanging out with him made me miss my other Cornell friends. Marty said something while he was driving, about how life at Cornell was great because it was you living with your best friends, which was so true.... I think about all the people I knew while I was there and I wonder sometimes what their lives are like now.
It's a crazy thing to be at a crossroads. How taking a different path can completely change your life. I think of this because Marty has to decide where to go after law school but how many of us don't come to these crossroads all the time? When you decide where to go to college, what to do after college, whether or not to end a relationship, whether to marry someone, to accept a new job, to begin to have children.... Really, all of these are just natural progressions in life. I guess we all expect our lives to change in these ways and yet.... am I the only one who fears them sometimes?
Anyways, I did really enjoy my trip. It was a lot of fun, even when I was embarrassed sometimes. But I was so tired when I came back. I'm like a grandma, I had too much excitement and it took me 2 days to recover.
Yesterday I had a PET scan. I am hoping that it will come out clear and I will be done. I should get the results next week. Crossing my fingers until then....
Staying with Clay's parents made me see how differently Clay and I grew up. He had such an American Pie type of upbringing and mine was classic immigrant story. It made me think of how different our backgrounds are and how I've never actually gotten to know anyone like him before, even at Cornell. I used to think that I could never date someone who wasn't like me (in terms of background), or who didn't have an idea of what it was like to be a Latino in the US. I guess I just saw how opposite we can be in some ways.... And yet.... I like that we've bonded on a different level.
His parents were so nice and understanding. Again, I see how our respective relationships with our parents is different. I think mine is more respectful but not as honest and his is less respectful but more open and honest. I just loved his parents. For the first time, I can see how when relationships end, it's heartbreaking to leave the parents as well. Too bad we can't keep them as consolation prizes.
I was also able to see my friend Marty while I was there. I hadn't seen him in like 5 years almost so it was really cool that we had a chance to hang out. Hanging out with him made me miss my other Cornell friends. Marty said something while he was driving, about how life at Cornell was great because it was you living with your best friends, which was so true.... I think about all the people I knew while I was there and I wonder sometimes what their lives are like now.
It's a crazy thing to be at a crossroads. How taking a different path can completely change your life. I think of this because Marty has to decide where to go after law school but how many of us don't come to these crossroads all the time? When you decide where to go to college, what to do after college, whether or not to end a relationship, whether to marry someone, to accept a new job, to begin to have children.... Really, all of these are just natural progressions in life. I guess we all expect our lives to change in these ways and yet.... am I the only one who fears them sometimes?
Anyways, I did really enjoy my trip. It was a lot of fun, even when I was embarrassed sometimes. But I was so tired when I came back. I'm like a grandma, I had too much excitement and it took me 2 days to recover.
Yesterday I had a PET scan. I am hoping that it will come out clear and I will be done. I should get the results next week. Crossing my fingers until then....
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wishing You Good Luck
Today in the news it was announced that John Edwards wife's cancer had returned.
I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.
However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.
And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.
I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.
To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.
I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.
However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.
And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.
I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.
To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Aint That the Truth
So my brother brought home a cat which I am trying to appropriate. I haven't had a cat in like 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend can't stand cats, which really sucks cuz I totally love cats and have wanted one for a long time. He got me a new beta fish which was really sweet since I know he hated the last one. But the cat thing.... I don't think I'll be able to get him to come around on this one.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.
A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.
Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.
Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.
It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.
I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:
"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."
I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I Know, I Know.... MIA
So it's been awhile since I've written. I've actually sat at the computer before, typed a few sentences, and stopped. I don't know why I just couldn't get anything out before. I actually have really great news:
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
I'M DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!
March 7th was my last treatment and I am just so...... relieved and happy that it's over. Today I woke up and I just had the biggest feeling of relief because today would have been a chemo day and it isn't anymore. It wasn't until two days ago that I realized how traumatized the experience had left me. I'd gone on the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society website and I just got so sad reading the discussion boards. Of course the first posting I read was from a girl who wrote about how depressed she was and how she felt tired all the time and nauseous. As I read everyone's responses, tears just started trickling down my cheeks because I knew exactly what they were talking about, I'd felt that way.
The problem is that I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be positive. But there were days when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. Days when just thinking about water grossed me out. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how much my hair had thinned out. I had bad days emotionally. And I felt bad for having them. I wanted not to have them. I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. It wasn't until I read those postings that I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt like that sometimes, I wasn't alone in my experience. I had one of those someone-else-in-this-world-is-going-through-the same-thing-as-me moment. It was comforting and tragic all at the same time. I felt so sad for all of us.
So when I woke up today and realized that I didn't have to go to the hospital, I didn't have to get my blood drawn, and I didn't have to get chemo.... the relief was so great I almost cried from it. At this point though, I can only hope that I'll never have to do it again. It sucks because all this time (6 months), I worried about getting rid of it and now I'll have to worry about it coming back. And I totally have blame-the-messenger syndrome. I can't stand it that my doctor's can't tell me that it won't come back. I know that they can't, cancer is unpredictable, but it just sucks that I just have to "wait and see," "hope and pray."
The first week of April I have another PET scan and if it comes out clear, I think I'm done. The results of the scan will determine whether or not I have to do radiation therapy. It's so weird cuz I'm like, if the scan comes out clear, does that mean I'm cancer-free? Will I be in remission? The thing about cancer is that you're not considered cured until you've lived cancer-free for at least 5 years. That's such a crazy concept. Like, if you get the flu and then you get over it, people don't say, you're living with the flu. Three years later, am I still going to be "living with cancer?" Isn't that crazy?
It was kinda funny because my boyfriend was like, "So you have a month off to party?" I gave him this look like, are you crazy! I have cancer! People with cancer don't party like rockstars! I had this moment where I wondered when I would feel normal again. Here's an example:
For St. Patrick's day my boyfriend had a BBQ and everyone was drinking beer and whiskey. Of course I wanted to celebrate St. Patty's day too so I had a few beers and shots of whiskey. Afterwards we went to a bar and needless to say left by like 10pm because my boyfriend and I were thoroughly trashed. We were two drunken fools walking down the street. The next morning I woke up with unexplained bruises, no idea of when I passed out, and with the worst hangover ever. It was the most fun I'd had in a long time. And yet, there it was in the back of my mind. Guilt. I felt guilty for going out, drinking, and having fun while doing it. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking, I shouldn't be doing this. But why? Because I have cancer? But I might not anymore. And still I felt the guilt. I guess I'm scared that I'm jeopardizing my health for a few drinks. It could even be that it's an unfounded fear. I don't know.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm in this limbo state where I have to wait for the PET scan and my doctor told me to just relax until then but I just can't relax for a month. Especially when I'm still in cancer mode and scared of living life like I used to. It was one of the topics on the discussion board too. There's this fear that one will never feel normal again, that I won't be the "me" that I used to be. Someone wrote that you won't be "pre-cancer me" because you'll be "post-cancer me" and.... just writing this makes me teary.... you'll be stronger than you were before. I guess it's just that I can't wait until all this is over and I can go back to rebuilding my life.
It's just that.... it just changes you. Even though in the grand scheme of life, 6 months of chemo really isn't that long (I was in college longer than that), my life will forever be marked by the fact that I had cancer. Maybe I just feel this way because it's happening to me right now, who knows how I'll feel in a few years. But isn't it crazy how defining cancer can be? You can be a cancer patient, a cancer victim, or a cancer survivor. And will I identify with that all my life? I'm not just a woman, a Latina, Nicaraguan, Californian, Catholic, heterosexual, college educated, liberal, etc., but also a cancer survivor. It's amazing.
I'm amazed at the highs and lows that I've hit on this road. From being happy just to be alive to questioning why any of us live. Now I'll just be playing the waiting game.....
Thursday, February 1, 2007
To Prove My Point
I'm happy to have a boyfriend who:
- Picks me up after chemo during his lunch break, even though he works on the other side of the city.
- Cooks for me when I'm sick and all I want to do is lay down and die.
- Keeps me supplied with Mango Gatorade.
- Holds me when I cry and soothes my soul when I feel down.
- Watches Grey's Anatomy with me even though he doesn't like it.
- Tells me I'm beautiful even though I have less hair and have gained almost 15lbs (which I wish people would stop saying is a good thing).
- Is saving the bottle of Dom Perignon for my last chemo treatment.
- Bought me Wicked tickets and doesn't care that I'd rather take my friend (he was relieved I wasn't making HIM go with me).
- I can watch Court TV with and we can talk about the cool techniques forensic scientists use to catch criminals.
- Likes expensive sunglasses as much as I do.
- Stays in and watches TV with me even though I know he would rather be at a bar getting crunk.
- Drinks alot....... and I like that!
- Wants us to be a team.
- Doesn't like it when we argue.
- Looks great in a suit.
- Calls me out on my bullshit (cancer or no cancer, you'd think he'd let me get away with it).
- Makes me laugh, even when I think it's inappropriate.
- Is just so outrageous sometimes........ but I love it.
What can I say, I can't sleep and I miss him right about now.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Looking Forward to Spring
I feel like I've had a million thoughts whirling in my head the last few days and now that I sit here to write, I can't think of anything to say. I guess I'll start with what brought this all on.
I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.
Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.
And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.
Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.
So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.
So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.
People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.
It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............
What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............
I've developed a really bad habit that only seems to be getting worse. When I was still working, I had a schedule down: I was always asleep by no later than 1am and most nights I was knocked out by midnight. In the beginning, I kept that routine but once the need to wake up early was gone, I slowly started staying up later, and later, and later. I finally plateaued at being asleep by 3am and up no later than 12pm. The only times I wake up early now are for chemo and PET scan mornings, when I'm too nervous to sleep in anyways. But now it's gotten really bad. The last couple of nights I've been struggling to fall asleep at freakin' 5/6 in the morning. I seriously turn off the lights and try to relax but can't. I'm tossing and turning for 2 hours before I finally fall asleep, which means that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed any earlier than 2pm (and that's me downplaying it somewhat). My day literally doesn't get started until like 3/4 in the afternoon. It's ridiculous. I'm turning into a freakin' vampire. At this point, what I need to do is force myself out of bed early, no matter how tired I am and even if I keep going to sleep late, making myself get up early until my body gets too tired to stay up late. It's just a bad habit I wanna break.
Anyways, so on one of these nights I'm up watching TV (I usually stay up watching Court TV, out of all things, but not this night cuz the cable was out) and US News and World Report was on talking about a NY Times article about young adults and cancer (Too Young for This: Facing Cancer Under 40: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/30/health/30canc.html?_r=1&oref=slogin). I know, crazy. So I'm sitting there and watching it and I realize..... huh, when I go to the hospital, I am the youngest person in the chemo room. My boyfriend sometimes jokes about me being the youngest person there but I never really thought about it seriously until right then and there. I've had nurses tell me, "You're too young to be dealing with this," but I always just assumed they said that because I also look young. Granted I'm 27 now, but I was 26 when I started. It's like, I feel old in the sense that 27 isn't that young but apparently it's too young for cancer.
And I think about, what if my life had taken a different path? What if I'd had kids? I'm lucky that I didn't have serious commitments when I started all this. I was single, child-less, and living at home. My boyfriend now joined my life when I had already started treatment so it's not like he had to suddenly deal with it, or think about if this was something he could handle. He knew coming into the relationship what was up. But imagine having to spring this on your spouse and kids? What about bills, rent, car payments? I didn't have any of that.
Watching the show reminded me, more than anything, of what I went through in the beginning. How scared and confused I had been. I cried a lot because I just couldn't believe that this had happened to me. And they interviewed this woman who had had breast cancer and she talked about how telling people had been hard because each time she had to go through the emotions all over again and I was like, yup, that's so true. It's not that I wanted to hide it, it's that I couldn't bear to repeat the story over and over, because each time it just became more and more true. I hated saying the word, even now, sometimes it's hard for me to say it because it's this big bad scary word. Cancer. Of course now I realize that the more that I talked about it, the more I kinda..... I don't even know how to say it...... the more I didn't feel as scared. The more people I let know, the more their love and support soothed me. It made me feel less alone. Now I can poke fun at it and recognize that I'm going to be fine.
So today I went and saw Little Children. I loved it because it really got me thinking. It's one of those movies about how one can feel disconnected from their life and how things in suburbia really aren't that perfect either. The basic plot of the movie is about a stay-at-home mom who has an affair with a stay-at-home dad in the suburbs one hot humid summer while a recently released sexual offender goes to live in the community. I could literally go everywhere with this movie but today, lets suffice it to say that among one of the many things that I walked away with is that life isn't perfect anywhere. I mean, even when things can look happy and great on the outside, on the inside, it's all fucked up.
So I'm sitting here thinking about me, thinking about cancer, thinking about people, and thinking about life. I'm thinking about how hard life can be sometimes, how imperfect. Why does life have to be about so much struggle? For love, for success, for wealth, for friendships, for family, for peace, for health, for equality, for happiness...... for some freakin' tranquility. We live to struggle for something. How many people live just to search for a connection...... I'm getting too deep now, reaching too far. What I was trying to get at, about life that is...... I think about how lucky I am in many different ways, even in such unlucky circumstances. And really, lets just get real, if it hadn't been this, it would've been something else. Because really, in the end, there is always going to be something else.
People lie, cheat, get sick, die, break-up, lose their jobs, etc. etc. all the time. We make so much drama when really, shit happens all the time. We all have our share of problems, we all have to learn how to deal with them. Life is hard, and the struggling and the searching, they never end. I try not to let things get me down and out because they're never going to stop happening (bad things that is). I've gotta find the happiness in the midst of all that.
It's funny because in the NY Times article, there's a quote a woman makes, about how one day she was this woman with long hair, mascara, and lowrider jeans and the next day she's Cancer Girl. I feel like that. One day I was the girl with the long hair, lowrider jeans, and vodka tonics, now I'm Cancer Girl. Well............
What else can I do? Nothing but get better I guess. But now I wonder, maybe when we're really old, like REALLY old........ maybe life stops being hard then, and all we're left with is the happy contented-ness......... actually no because old people bodies break down.......... nevermind............
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer
2 more months!!! Only 4 more chemo treatments to go....
I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.
Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.
Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....
I saw The Queen on Tuesday and I have to say, I really liked it. It included clips of how people mourned Princess Diana's death and I was struck by how much people grieved her death. I have to admit, even I got teary eyed watching it but more so because I was seeing other people's grief. It was weird because it made me think about how people can get so upset when they didn't even know the person. People were like, bawling. It's funny how attached we get to public figures that we don't even know. Kinda like when Selena died, or Elvis, Aaliyah, Tupac, or Biggie. It was a really good movie.
Sometimes I wonder how much good music is out there that I haven't been exposed to yet. And by no means do I mean new music, but rather those oldies but goodies. Some of my latest downloads: ACDC, Rick James, Hector Lavoe, and Elton John's Tiny Dancer (my new favorite song, thanks to Almost Famous). I guess I'm on this kick to go back to music from the 60s to early 90s. I almost had an epiphany when I discovered the joys of Gun's N' Roses. I don't know why I never listened to it before. Now I'd rather listen to Prince and Rick James more than anything else that's playing on the radio.
Uh oh, does this mean I'm getting old? Oh god, next thing you know, I'll be talking about the young kids and their loud music.... like reggeaton! Lol, I'm just kidding, I like Calle 13 too... but it's DLG that I've been listening to more....
Monday, January 22, 2007
R.I.P. Fishy
The worst news ever... my beta fish died. See, what had happened was... a month ago I rescued this fish from an abusive environment. It's previous owner hadn't fed it or changed his water in like a month and for some reason it had one swollen eye, so I took it. I started feeding it, put it in a bigger tank, and was changing its water regularly. At first he wouldn't eat and barely moved but he slowly started coming around. I swear, 2 days before he died he was eating, swimming, and shaking his little fins at me when I would come close to the tank to coo at him. Two days later he's dead. I couldn't believe it. What had I done wrong? I tried to rescue him and he died in my care. It's so sad, I had really come to love the little guy. And I can't bring myself to get another fish because I wanted this one to live. And of course my ever tactful sister laughed her ass off when I told her. Poor fishy....
I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.
On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.
February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....
I have a PET scan on Tuesday. I hope all goes well with it. The doctor should get my results a few days later. Hopefully she'll tell me it's all gone. I only have 2 more months of chemo left! This Wednesday should complete the fourth month. I hate to say this but I'm really starting to hate chemo. It's just that I'm starting to feel sicker than I used to and for a longer period of time. I just can't wait until this is over. I just want to be normal again. I'm looking forward to opening a bottle of Dom Perignon when this is all done.
On a happier note, a friend of mine from college is visiting LA for the week and I've had a really fun time reminiscing about our years at ol' Big Red. It's funny because we met as freshman so we talked about how crazy we were and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I am that same girl that did all those things. It feels like a lifetime ago. On Friday we went to Melrose for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, La La's (Argentinian). We sat out in the patio and it was just cool cuz it was a beautiful day and we were able to catch each other up on our lives. He leaves in a few days so I hope he's having fun while he's here.
February is coming up soon. Two words: Valentine's and Wicked! Plus Danette, one of my best girlfriends, might come to visit early that month. So lots of good things to look forward to....
Monday, January 8, 2007
Holidays
It's been awhile since I've written. The holidays were just too much... a swirl of activity. My sister was home for 2 weeks and it was great seeing her. I can't wait until I can go visit her in Seattle.
I had chemo on my birthday (Dec. 13th) so that sucked but the next day my friend Erasto threw me a little dinner/barbecue so that was nice. The following week I had surgery to put in a port in my chest. It is suppose to make chemo treatment easier. It's hard to describe but I found this online:
"The port is about the size of a quarter, only thicker, and will show only as a bump underneath the skin. There are several benefits to having a port:
-No need to find a vein every time you receive chemo. A special needle fits right into the port, so all you feel is the stick—not the poking, prodding, and false tries in your arm.
-The medication goes right into the main blood supply entering the heart, so it can be sent quickly and efficiently to all parts of the body.
-Some types of chemotherapy can be very uncomfortable if injected into a vein just under your skin. The port avoids this potential discomfort. "
Port inserted in vein for chemotherapy
A Port
B Catheter [tubing]
C Subclavian vein
D Superior Vena cava
E Pulmonary vein
F Aorta
G Heart
They used the port on the 27th and it really was easier. It's uncomfortable sometimes but I do prefer it to nothing at all or the PICC line. Now I wish I'd had it since the beginning.
Christmas was fun. I played dominos with my brothers for hours. We opened our presents late Christmas Eve. I've realized that Latinos open their presents Xmas Eve but we all think it's just our family who does that. We all seem to do that. But how did that tradition start because it crosses country lines?
Anyways, I spent New Year's with my boyfriend and my sister at her boyfriend's sister's house, lol. It was alot of fun, listening to alot of Prince.
I saw Eragon and The Good Shepherd. I was really disappointed with Eragon. I expected something more along the lines of Lord of the Rings-good and it was bad. Bad acting, bad special effects, bad adaptation from the book. The Good Shepherd was great though, I loved it. I wonder sometimes, really, who controls the world's events? It's the type of movie that makes conspiracy theories seem not that outrageous and reminds me that most of us (almost all of us) live in a state of ignorant bliss.... or stupor. I also saw Dreamgirls which was great, the female Ray. Still on the list: Volver, The Holiday, and The Queen.
Among my favorite gifts: Grey's Anatomy Season 2, LOTS of movie money, a Sephora gift card, tickets to Wicked(!), Chanel sunglasses, perfumes, the chocolate phone from Verizon, sweats (I practically live in them nowadays), and a framed picture of flowers. Basically people listened well, lol.
This weekend I went to Ensenada, Mexico for Erasto's birthday and had such a great time. Clay took me to the best place to get ceviche and it was some of the best ceviche I'd ever had. Overall it's been a great month.
Back to chemo on Wed....
Sunday, December 10, 2006
3 More Days
Christmas is coming up.... I really need to start thinking about what I'm getting people. No joke, the last 2 years I've ended up buying everything like 2 days before. I really don't want to do that this year. The hardest are 2 of my brothers; I always end up buying them a nice bottle of liquor. I think this year I'll just get them gift cards, I know it's lazy but at least this way they can get what they want. My sister is hard too. I think with her it's that I always want to get her something creative and meaningful and I never do. Too often it ends up being something from Sephora, which is nice but not very deep. My littlest brother always makes an Xmas list, which I love. I wish more people did this, I'm just not very good at buying gifts under pressure. Time to brave the big bad mall....
I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......
I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........
It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....
Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.
3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!
I had a blast with Clay this weekend. As always, good food and fun times. I have to admit, I really do miss drinking sometimes. I made sure with my doctor that having 1 drink occasionally wouldn't kill me but every now and then......... I'd really like 3....... in a row....... sometimes even 5. I miss vodka tonics, margaritas, wine, beer, some of the bubbly. Even though I can have 1 alcoholic drink every now and then, sometimes I feel guilty drinking it because I know technically, I should just not drink at all. It's a sad sad day when you can't wait to finish your cancer treatment just so that you can go out and get a little wasted.......
I went to the LA Auto Show on Saturday. Please, someone enlighten me, why do people take pictures of the cars, or of themselves next to the car? Who really keeps those pictures, or worse, puts them in a photo album? Yeah, this is me next to the hummer. Oh wait, that's me in the corvette. Look how close I got to the bently before the security guard yelled at me. Seriously, why? I've never seen anybody show off pictures of themselves at the auto show and yet, I saw tons of people taking pictures. Me? I like to sit in the cars, play with the stereo, and mess with the seat. And then I go Vrrrooommm! Vrrrooooommmmm! Errrrrrrr! Vrrrrroooommmmm! I wish there was an LA Yacht Show, now that would be sweet........
It finally rained Saturday night. There'd been talk of rain for the last few weeks but it finally happened. It's crazy to think that only a few weeks ago we were having 90 degree weather. That's what I love about LA, our winters are pretty mild. Sometimes it amazes me that I had lived in the Northeast and had become used to low temperatures and snow. Honestly, I don't know how I did it. Like sometimes I think about wanting to move to New York City but it's the weather that keeps me in LA. Anyways, it was fun walking in the rain back to the car after dinner.....
Sometime soon I really need to buy tickets to Wicked. The musical is coming back to LA next February and I'd missed it last year but there is just no way I'm missing it next year.
3 more weeks till New Year's!!!!
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