Home Sweet Home

Yes that's right, I came home today! I was a little nervous at first but I realized I just have to be careful. At the hospital, it was easy, they did all the work. Here at home, I'm the one that has to be more proactive in my health care. They gave me some face masks that I was advised to wear if I was going to be in a crowded area. Not looking forward to that but oh well. My dad bought me an air purifier/allergen remover which actually has done alot to ease my anxiety. And more than anything I'm so happy I'm not on the low bacteria diet anymore! But I'm suppose to avoid fast food which is cool.

I asked my doctor if we could push the date up for my other transplant and he said he would get back to me. I figured I feel well and I don't need a month to recover when I never really got sick. Even though I was discharged early, I'm still going to be monitored closely as an outpatient so I already have an appointment on Friday. I have a swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck, right above my clavicle, that I can feel and which the doctor uses to monitor my progress. When it doesn't feel like it's changed we can tell the treatment hasn't made an impact. Now, I don't know whether I'm imagining it or not, but it feels smaller and softer than before. It gives me so much hope. I hope I'm not imagining it.

Today I bought one of those mini file boxes, they're plastic and they look like a toolbox but you keep files in it. I have to say, organizing my paperwork was among the highlights of my day. I've been wanting to do it for weeks. I'm really organized but I used to use folders and they were getting too full and ratty and using multiple folders was getting complicated. I love knowing that all of my medical paperwork, student loan info, and past tax returns are in one place.

Say no to germs, viruses, and bacteria! And if you're sick, don't you dare come visit me!

Day +10

To clarify, the day of the transplant is called Day Zero, the day after Day +1, and so on. Today is Day +10 for me.... and I've been doing really really well! Almost TOO well......

This whole time we've been waiting for my white blood count to drop and so far it hasn't. Instead my counts have stayed at normal and above normal! You'd think I'd be happy about it but it gave me a different kind of paranoia. Everyday I'd wake up thinking, "Is today the day my counts will drop and I'll get sick and feel like shit?" After 5 days of waking up feeling completely fine, I started to think maybe it hadn't worked. So for 3 days I worried that maybe the chemo and transplant hadn't worked and that my cancer was still going about its spreading business. Finally I decided to stop stressing it. I expected the worst but I got the best so I should be damned happy about it!

So basically no pain, no sickness, no mouth sores, no extreme fatigue.... no nothing. I'm like the rock star patient here, lol. So anyways, my doctor today said that I might be discharged tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm excited and worried. I'm looking forward to my freedom but I'd gotten used to the close monitoring. What if I get sick at home? What am I going to do?! This goes back to the old theme of getting used to the abnormal as normal and vice versa.

I have all of September off and then I come back in October for more chemo and another stem cell transplant. I've been warned that that one might be more difficult because I'll get 3 chemos instead of just one. I figure I coasted through this one so I can't complain about the next one. That hospital stay is suppose to be longer, like 3-5 weeks. If I get discharged Tuesday, I'll have been here exactly 2 weeks. Surprisingly, I'm not that scared of the 2nd one. A part of me wishes I could just do it sooner and get it over with.

Sometimes it feels like I'll never go back to a normal life. Granted, not my old normal (I wouldn't want it anymore), but a new normal. I realized cancer will always be in my life. I will always worry about a relapse, I'll always have to have at the very least a yearly scan, I'll always perk up at the mention of the word. It's neither a positive nor negative presence, it just is. Right now everything is still treatment. I'm waiting for the time when treatment is finished and I have the clean scans to prove it. Then I can go on with my new normal life.

On another note, the open wound from my port removal has finally completely closed. It's a little scar but it's ugly. And it's still that angry red color. I wanted to start using Mederma on it because I had really good results before but the 2 times I put it on, the area started to itch like crazy. It was so bad I had to just wash it off like 10 minutes later. I don't know why it's irritating my skin now, kinda sucks. I really don't want to not put anything on it so I'm gonna have to find something else to aid the healing process. Anyways, my chest now has 2 fairly visible scars. They are definitely not pretty or subtle. You'd think it would bother me but it doesn't. I just added them to my growing list of scars on my body.

And before I forget, I now have a new laptop! Mind you, it's just a basic laptop but I love it because it's all mine and it's perfect for my needs (downloading music, surfing the net, and word processing). I went all through college without one and we have one at home but it's the family computer, we all use it. This is like my first personal, only for me, myself, and I computer. Isn't that crazy! I'm such a dinosaur, lol. This will definitely aid me on my journey towards computer proficiency (I don't even know how to use Excel..... yet).

It's all part of my grand master plan towards self-improvement. I've also vowed to get my license in September. And this time I mean it! I have to have to have to! I swear I'll just refuse to drive for the rest of my life if I don't do it in September. Then I'll have to move to NYC where it's socially acceptable to not have a license.

So that's about it for now! We'll see how the whole moving back home thing works out. I'm such an exagerada, it's only been 2 weeks but I act like I've been living here for months. It's just so safe and secure here. My house is like one giant germ city. We just have too many pets and even though my mom is deep cleaning the house and forbidding my brothers from bringing the dogs in, I'm still worried. You have to understand, people who visit me here have to wear gloves and a face mask in my room. Once, a nurse came in and saw that my sister had taken her mask off and gave us all a big lecture about how it was for my protection so that I don't get sick. So, that's what I've gotten used to. God, and I used to love germs too!

Day +3

.... and I still feel fine!

My fear is that this is the calm before the storm.

Today the doctor told me that if I continue to do well I might be discharged by Labor Day. Instead of comforting me, it reminds me that I still have a ways to go. So 2 more weeks....

Sometimes I make myself laugh by singing "Eye of the Tiger" in my head and pretend punching the air. Makes me feel strong, lol.

I miss the outdoors, the fresh breeze. There's a Japanese garden on the campus and it's cool because you can buy fish food and feed the koi and the turtles in the little pond. My sister, Diego, and I would go there after my stem cell collections but the koi would annoy us because they would knock the turtles out of the way so the turtles wouldn't get any food. So the 3 of us would find ways to just feed the turtles. It was a pretty spot.

For my last birthday Danette gave a crochet kit which I still haven't used. I think I'm finally gonna use it though, lol. I just don't know what to crochet! Maybe I'll make a scarf, lol.

I guess everyday that I wake up feeling great is a great day. I hope I keep waking up that way!

Day Zero

So how cool is this? I'm blogging from my hospital bed at City of Hope Hospital in Duarte, CA.

And yup, today was Day Zero! I got my stem cells back today.

So much has happened since I last wrote. Basically the fevers stuck around for 10 days and then they mysteriously left. They took out my port but neglected to tell me they left the wound open because they thought it was infected so imagine my surprise the day after when a nurse changes the dressing and I've got a gaping wound in my chest. It has since healed and there's a slightly ugly scar left but I've discovered the powers of Mederma (scar cream) so I'll be using it on the scar. Then I did my last round of salvage chemo. Then I had a Hickman catheter put in, which is the type of catheter they need for the transplant. Then they collected my stem cells for 8 days and finally I checked into the hospital this last Tuesday.

Yesterday, Wednesday, they gave me that high dose chemo (which I slept through). And today they gave me half of the stem cells that they collected. It turns out I'll be doing this transplant 2 times. This being the first one and then I come back the beginning of October for transplant #2. This time I'll be in the hospital for 2-3 weeks and the second time for 3-5 weeks. And then hopefully not at all! So basically I'm here so that they can keep an eye on me to make sure I don't get too sick. I feel fine now but they said it'll change in a few days so we'll see.

My room is pretty sweet. I'm definitely hooked up in the entertainment material. I have my ipod, portable DVD player, a stack of magazines, a trashy novel, a nice TV in the room, and for now my sister's computer with internet access. They even have a low impact exercise class for patients that are well enough to take it. And my siblings come visit with boardgames that we all definitely get into. So all in all, it's not so bad. All of these things do a great job of distracting me from the stuff that's going on around me.

I'm slowly getting there. I'm in the middle of this transplant and then it's just one more.

One gross detail. So the preservative they use on my stem cells smells like garlic creamed corn! And when they were giving them back to me, I could taste it in my mouth....... it was absolutely awful, thank God it only lasted like half an hour. So yeah, garlic creamed corn, just thought I'd share that.........

On another note, my brother Sergio got a motorcycle like a month ago and today was in a motorcycle accident. I haven't seen him but my mom assures me he's ok, just scraped up. It was a little crazy, I was in my hospital and then my mom calls to tell my sister and I that she's across town in another one with my brother. My poor parents.....

My sister came home from Seattle and she has totally been everywhere with me. I've missed her laughter and witty humor. She leaves next Monday and........ I'll miss her terribly.

Today I spoke to 2 friends of mine from Ithaca, Angie and Christina. They told me they were going to Las Vegas next year sometime between January and April. If I can be well enough to go........ I almost can't wait! I've missed them alot. They remind of wine-filled Ithaca summer nights.

So I really want to clean up my credit. Today I opened a savings account over the phone and actually put money in it. I'm intimidated by the task but I really really want to do it. I wish I knew who to call for help with something like this. I looked on the internet but there is so much stuff and apparently some of those companies aren't legit so I'm pretty much on my own. I guess first step is getting copies of my 3 credit reports and going from there.

I decided that after all this cancer business is over, I need to change my life. Be more proactive, more independent, more responsible. It's not that I was unhappy, I just wasn't satisfied.

It's weird because I look out the window (I have a view of the freeway) and I see all these twinkling lights, of cars and homes, and imagine all those people living their lives, with all the love, sorrow, anger, and joy that comes with living. And here I am, here we are, in this hospital, living ours the best way we can. And I look around the room that is mine for the next two weeks and I wonder what I'll go through here. And I think of others who have lain on this bed and been grossed out by the garlic creamed corn smell. I think of my poor brother at home, laying in bed all scraped up and probably in a lot of pain. I wonder what he's thinking right now.

Oh They Got Me! The Chills, They Got Me!

You know, you never realize how much hair you have until it all starts falling out. My hair literally all fell out in a span of 3 days. I won't lie, I did freak out the first 2 days. It was just sooooo much hair. I was pulling clumps out every time I touched my head and every morning my pillow was covered in hair. My brother Eduardo (who just recently shaved his head) swears I'm trying to copy him. I must say though, the breeze feels good on my bald head.

That's the thing though, it fell out so fast, I only had like 2 days to mourn it before it was all gone. Then it was pointless to cry over something that was done. I liked that. The first time my hair fell out, it thinned out slowly over 6 agonizing months. And even then I didn't have any bald spots. This was done and over in under 5 days. I don't have to worry about it or think about it anymore.

These last 5 days have been crazy. My hair fell out, I got an eye infection, and I developed another infection that my doctors think is from my port. The eye infection is actually starting to go away now (I was scared it was pink eye but it wasn't), the doctor gave me a prescription antibiotic eye cream that's really working. Of course I had to deal with the pink eye jokes first but at least it's going away.

Then came the unknown infection. The fever and chills started on Friday night. I tried to ignore it because I thought I was just tired but by Saturday night I realized it wasn't going away. By the time I got to the ER I had a fever of 103 and was shivering from the "cold." The nice thing about being a chemo patient is that they don't mess around! Usually it's first come-first serve (I can't decide if I agree with that, I think more critical patients should be seen first but then who's considered more important? tricky dilemma), but being that I'm a chemo patient I was helped right away. 4 hours later they sent me home with antibiotics, instructions to keep taking Tylenol if the fever persists, and with no idea as to what I might have.

So since early Sunday, I've been taking the Tylenol because the fever is not going away. The worst part is the chills. It feels as if the cold has settled deep into my bones and refuses to leave, no matter how much clothing I put on or how many covijas I put on top of me. It just drains my energy. Because every test has come back ok they think it might be my port so they're taking it out tomorrow. I had gotten used to the little guy, I'm actually going to miss it. Isn't that weird? I was going to have the last cycle of chemo before the transplant this week but because of the infection, it's being delayed for a week. And I don't regret it! Although, the whole month had been carefully planned out, this pushes everything back so now I have to change all the appointments.

I swear, all in 5 days, the things that can happen. I was surprised I got sick. They warned me that I might but I guess I never actually believed it until it happened. Just like my hair.

Aside from this, I saw 2 movies that I was glad I saw back-to-back: All the President's Men and Dick. I really liked All the President's Men. It had Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman playing the 2 reporters from The Washington Post that exposed the Watergate scandal. Then I watched Dick and it was a funny counterpoint. In it, Kristin Dunst and Michelle Williams play 2 girls who go to work for President Nixon as his dog walkers and become involved in the Watergate scandal. I don't think I would have liked it as much had I not seen All the President's Men first. I'm not really saying much about this, I know, but suffice it to say that I enjoyed both movies.

I can't wait to watch the new Harry Potter movie! I have to wait though, until this infection goes away. Hopefully by next weekend!!!

So I read this quote by Roger Ebert when he reviewed Apocalypse Now (which is next on my list):

"If we are lucky, we spend our lives in a fool's paradise, never knowing how close we skirt the abyss."

Word.

To My Body

You know, at first, I looked at my body and I wondered, "How could you betray me? How could you let this happen?" I've had this body all my life, and it decides to let me down.

But then I realized, this body, my body, is also strong and it has taken it's fair share of beatings. This body has withstood everything I have done to it. And yes, it's not perfect and it will have scars, but those scars will be a testament of its survival and tenacity.

I felt like that about my hair too. It did make me sad when I would look at the clumps in the shower. But not all of it fell out and I admired the hair that stayed, that didn't give in.

So this body, my body, will continue to exercise it's will to live. Yes it'll be weak sometimes, but I know that this body doesn't give up easily. This body has tried its best to protect itself and will continue to try its best.

So listen body, I know we'll make it through this all right. Don't you give in to the effects of the drugs, I need you to keep it together. Remember, this cancer is suppose to be the pussy cancer. We don't want to look back a year later and be embarrassed at how weak we were. So we gotta stick together and stay strong.

I promise I'll try to treat you better.

It's My Life and I'll Shop If I Want To!

I realized today how much going shopping makes me feel good. I used to say it was because it distracted me. I like shopping, especially alone, because my mind is free of all other thought except for those crucial fashion choices. It was my time to get away, to be alone. Just shoes, purses, dresses, sunglasses, etc. But now, shopping is not just a distraction, it's an affirmation of normalcy and life.

I am normal and I still love shopping! Cancer cannot take that away from me. And I will use those things I purchased when I go out to do things just like everybody else. And when I can't leave my bed, these items will stay in the closet, waiting for the day when I can take them out and use them again. Months later, I will still be alive and I will use my purchases again! When I shop now, it's not just a distraction, it's me saying, "I am still the same Maria. And even when I can't wear my sunglasses because I'll be in the hospital for 3 weeks, I'll use them on the car ride home. And I'll use them when I fell good enough to leave the house." Ha! Cancer cannot make me stop spending my money frivolously.

You like how I just justified going shopping? So here's what I bought: underwear sets from Victoria's Secret, a stripped linen dress from Forever 21, a really cool green top from Anthropologie, and a brown leather tote from Banana Republic. The purse is the only thing I actually feel guilty about because it was the most expensive. Granted it's cool, holds all of my stuff (without being too big), and was on sale (major plus)....... but still. Depending on how guilty I feel, I'll either keep it or return it.

I'm always torn between feeling bad and feeling lucky. Let me break it down.

Feel Bad Because:

• I have cancer.
• My hair is super short.
• I don't work, which means I have less money.
  
• I hate chemotherapy.
• I worry that I'll have a hard time with the details of life after treatment. For example, getting another job (should I tell them?) and what if I get another job, will they have medical insurance that will label me uninsurable?
• What if I get rid of it and it comes back, or worse, I get something else?
• Boo, no more drinking :(
  
• I worry that I overreact.
• The people I love worry about me.
• I might become infertile (I never did the egg freezing business).
  

But Then Feel Lucky Because:

• I have Hodgkin's (the most treatable and curable with 80-85% survival rates).
• For the most part, I FEEL good, if not great. The side affects have been manageable.
• I still have hair.
• I get disability (and obviously enough to pay my bills and still shop, lol).
• I have a great support system of family and friends.
  
• So Kaiser isn't Ceders Sinai, it's still covered the bulk of my cancer costs. I feel lucky to have health insurance.
• I don't work, which means I have time to sleep, watch movies, spend quality time with my family, and blog.
• People don't expect me to do anything other than rest.

I think the darkest days are behind me. I feel stronger and braver than I did even a few months ago.

I think shopping helped.

Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale!

It started already! Had I not gone to the mall today I would have missed it! Sometimes it's just these simple joys that can bring a girl so much happiness............

Anyways, enough about underwear....... Today I met with the tranplant doctor and I also had like a 2 hour meeting with my transplant coordinator. It was a little..... I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I can't believe I'm actually gonna do it. And the more appointments I go to, the more I talk about it, the less out-of-the-ordinary it seems. I guess it's a good thing, makes it less scary. This is what my normal is now........

July will be a busy month. They want to make sure that every organ in my body is working properly so I'm taking lots of tests: chest x-ray, EKG, MUGA, pulmonary function test, another bone marrow biopsy (I had one back when I first started treatment), tests for my liver, blood work, and another CT and PET scan. I have the last round of salvage chemo and then prep for the transplant begins! It's not going to be at the hospital I always go to (Bellflower) but at a cancer center called City of Hope, which is about 30-45 minutes north from where I live. It has a great reputation and apparently lots of transplants happen there so I know I'm in good hands.

So I was thinking about my friends today. I was thinking about my friends crossing those adult milestones. Getting married, buying a house, having kids, having a "real" job in a chosen career. How do they do it? And they make it look so easy. Other than cancer, what do I got? It's funny because everything that I wanted to change about my life before is working to my advantage now that I have cancer. Thank goodness I live with my parents and don't have to pay rent somewhere, I don't drive so I don't have car or insurance payments, I've been at my job long enough to be able to go on leave and still keep my health benefits, I don't have kids who would be affected, or a husband who's stressed out. Living at home, not having a car, staying at my not-great job, and not having kids or a husband has been great for my sanity now. Some might even say I'm lucky...... I don't have to worry about these things, all I have to worry about is fighting cancer. I can't be bothered with these things while I'm fighting cancer you know.

I don't know why but I have to stop myself from laughing. Can you imagine, it may not matter what I accomplish or don't accomplish someday, as long as I beat cancer now, that can be the biggest success of my life. Beating cancer trumps all! Lol.......... it's too funny........ Ok stop, I thinks it's only funny to me........

Anyways, thank God for cancer for putting things in perspective........

Ok, seriously, after I'm done beating cancer, I'm going to have to do something big. I don't know what it is yet, but somethings going to have to happen. Maybe I should take a big trip somewhere, like Fiji or Greece. Something to make me feel alive and grateful to be on this planet............

Other Stuff

All I wrote about was cancer. But cancer isn't the only thing in my life.

I bought myself a nice present before leaving Bloomingdale's: white with violet lenses Gucci aviators. My favorite! I needed a pre-treatment present.

I had lunch with my friend Bertha while she was here. Again, I felt a little guilty because I couldn't go out and party with her but she understood why. It was great to see her, she's as cute as ever!

Clay and I are..... working on being friends. And it's working. He came to see me at the hospital Wednesday and that was nice.

My friend Jorge just got engaged and that was enough to spur a flurry of phone calls to and from my nearest and dearest, lol. I can look forward to another wedding, lol.

My other friend Adri wants to come visit me but we haven't been able to set a date for her to come. The thing is, I don't want her to come on days when I have to go to treatment or when I don't feel well because of it. And the whole month of August is out. I'm hoping maybe the beginning of September might be best. She wants to come to see me and bring me some Adri magic when I feel down...... I have really good friends.........

I'd like to call everyone who has called me the last couple of months but sometimes, I just don't feel like being on the phone. I feel guilty because I know I should return their calls and I'm just being lazy. Well, I have lots of time again so there will be plenty of opportunities.

My poor cat is traumatized. I'm pretty sure the doctors are gonna tell me it's time to limit my interactions with her. However, she's used to being around me and in my room, it's where her food and kitty litter are. She also sleeps with me at night, usually at the foot of the bed or next to my back. In anticipation of my doctor's orders, I made plans with my brother Sergio to take her but she wasn't very happy about that. We moved her food and litter out of my room but she refuses to leave. She hides under the bed and won't come out. When she does and we try to take her to Sergio's room, she flips out and claws and cries. Everyone tells me to just lock her out of my room and let her cry, but I can't! Poor thing, this is uprooting her sense of stability and order. So, I'll let her have access to my room but her food and litter will be kept in another room closer to mine so that the proximity will comfort her. But she's not allowed on my bed or in my room at night. Jeez my cat drama!

I've been really lucky to have my mom around. She's definitely much more involved this time and it's just so comforting to feel taken care of like that again. One of the last days I worked, she took me to work and dropped me off across the street. She'd packed me a lunch so I had it in one hand and my tote bag in another. I crossed the street, had my lunch bag in one hand, and was adjusting my purse with the other. I turned around one last time to look for her and see if she was still there. She was and she was watching me so I waved and she waved back before leaving. And it just hit me, this feeling of being a little girl again, with my mom dropping me off at school with my lunch and my backpack, and I turn around with uncertainty one last time, just to reassure myself that she's still there, and she is and it comforts me. That's how I felt. It was such a poignant and touching moment. I guess that's how I feel. Like this little girl who looks to her mother to protect her and love her. She gives me strength when mine's starts to falter. Oh my goodness, I think I'll stop because now I'm getting choked up. I love my mom and words cannot express how much her love carries me now.

So for the next couple of weeks, it's rest, rest, rest!

Back on the Train

Well, I got the results of my biopsy and PET scan earlier than expected. Not good news...... I still have Hodgkin's and it has spread. Damn cancer......

So I stopped working again, this past Monday was my last day. I worked for one full month. I think it took me half that time just to get used to being back at work again, lol. Having the extra income really helped though and I was able to renew my health insurance coverage for the year, so it was worth it.

So........... I'm back on chemotherapy, a different kind though. It's called ICE and it's salvage chemotherapy. Apparently it's a little more intense and they also do it to see if I'll still respond to chemotherapy. It's a 3 day event. The first day is only one hour of chemo (Tuesday). The 2nd and 3rd day are together because it's 27 hours. Yup, 27 hours of chemo. On Wednesday I was checked into the hospital in the morning and they hooked me up to an IV which ran for almost 30 hours. I was discharged yesterday (Thursday) like at midnight. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I expected, seriously. When I went in on Tuesday, I thought all my old fears, phobias, and associations would return in full force but they didn't. I kept giving myself pep talks though so that might have helped, "You are not nauseous, you are not nauseous!," "This soup is yummy, this soup is yummy! And you love vegetables, you love vegetables!" Hey, whatever works. When I went home I wasn't tired and still didn't feel nauseous so I considered it a successful day. This really helped me face days 2 and 3. My biggest fear was the nausea and it's been noticeably absent. None on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or so far today. It's been the biggest consolation to date, lol. Pain I can so so stand, but nausea....... let's just be thankful it's not a problem....... yet...........

So this little 3 day parade I only have to do twice. So I go back in 3 weeks for the last one. Yeah! After that, the next phase of my treatment kicks in............. I'll be doing a bone marrow transplant. Yup, they dropped the big BMT on me. Radiation is no longer an option because my cancer is spread over too large an area. It's a misconception though because what I'm actually going to do is more of a stem cell infusion, but bone marrow transplant is what everyone calls it. Basically they'll take out some of my platelets or marrow and freeze them. Then I'll get high dose chemotherapy that will shut down my immune system completely but is suppose to kill off all the cancer. Then they give me back what they froze and there! I spend a couple months recovering........ hopefully cancer-free.

It's funny because I thought I would freak out. Like just freak the fuck out. But.... I feel as if I've become more determined. I've had it with Hodgkin's! I want it done, out, gone! Whatever it takes! This is not to say I'm not scared and that I haven't cried. I am and have. But before, the treatment itself was the my main source of my fears. Now, it's the cancer. This whole time before I just wanted treatment to end, treatment was ruining my life. Once treatment was over, I figured everything would get better. I assumed treatment would work. But it didn't. I've realized my beef is with cancer. I need to battle cancer, not my treatment. Having changed this mentality, I am able to accept the treatment that awaits me. Granted I'm scared and it'll probably be hard sometimes, but I need to do this. I need to do what it takes to get rid of this cancer.

It should happen sometime in August. I'll probably go in the beginning of August and I'll be at the hospital for at least 3-4 weeks. I have an appointment with the transplant doctor next Monday so I'll know better then the dates. In total, they anticipate that I'll be out of work for 6 months. That's not that bad. After August it's just recovery time.

My biggest wish: 6 months from now I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday. I want a cake with candles, and when I blow them out, I want to be able to say, "I'm 28 today and I'm cancer-free." I was diagnosed at 26, celebrated 27 with cancer, but 28 I hope will be without it. That is my biggest wish.

Whew!

Ok......

So Friday I wake up at 5am to be at the hospital by 6:45am (yes it took me an hour to shower and get ready and 45 minutes to get there). I wait for an hour before they finally let us know (everyone in the waiting room) that their computer is down and that they were waiting for a technician to fix it. An hour later they get it fixed and tell me that in another hour they will do my scan. Thank God I was the #2 appointment for the day. So finally at 9:30am they do the scan and I'm out by 10am. Problem is I had an appointment across town with the head and neck surgeon at 10:45am and there is no way I'll be able to make it in time now. So I call to cancel and reschedule but the next available appointment isn't until June 21st. Not good. So I don't reschedule.

However, I had already seen another head and neck surgeon in another city back in May and the only reason I made the Friday appointment was because it was in a hospital that was closer to me. My mom always says,"Dios sabe lo que hace," and I took it to heart on Friday. On my way home, the surgeon from the other city (Baldwin Park, which even I didn't know where it was until the night before my appointment when I looked it up and it was too late to cancel) calls me and tells me that he feels that it's really important that I get the biopsy done sooner rather than later so he tells me he can do it Monday. Sweet! I take it.

On my way home I also realize that it's the last day to sign up for health insurance at my job and I haven't done it yet. So I go to my job and sign up for health insurance, go to the post office and drop off some netflix movies, and go to the bank to deposit some money. I finally get home at 3pm. All I want to do is take a nap. However, the house is a flurry of activity because of Diego's graduation. So no nap for me. We have a nice dinner at 5pm, go to the graduation at 7pm, come home at 9:30pm, and go pick up Danette at 10pm. By 11:30pm we are at the 80s bar, 3 of Clubs.

This place is like a hidden gem in LA. It's in lower Hollywood so it's not too trendy, there's never a line, it gets full but not packed (which I love because I hate when a place is so packed you can't even move), the music is great, and the drinks are average price. Mind you, the outside looks like a hole in the wall and doesn't even have their name displayed, just a neon sign that says COCKTAILS. We're there until we get kicked out and then we hang out in the parking lot forever because my sister wants to say her long goodbyes to everyone. Then we go to a taco place to eat and some fat lesbians start yelling at us because they think we're talking trash about them. We just laugh and continue to eat and they finally shut up. We make it home at 4am and my sister promptly falls asleep. Of course I'm paranoid she'll miss her flight (it's happened to me too many times) so I stay awake and get her up at 4:30am. She speed packs and is out the door at 4:45am. I'm impressed. I finally lay down at 5am and pass out. Ahhhhhhhh......................

Saturday morning Danette wakes me up at 10:30am. I convince her to let me lay there until noon. Today is shopping day! We leave my house at like 3pm and I take her to Pasadena and we go to the stores she doesn't have in Nashville. So we hit up H&M, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and some boutiques. We go to the Barney's Beanery there and drink a Blue Moon with a slice of orange and eat. We go home and my best friend here in LA, Erasto, picks us up and we go to The Abbey for drinks. It's a gay bar in West Hollywood which has the best drinks in the city. They're expensive but they pack a punch. I usually can't drink more than 2, otherwise I end up wasted. So 1 pineapple mojito and 1 apple martini later, I am buzzing but dead tired. We go home and go to bed by 3am.

Sunday Danette wakes me up at 9am. Today is beach day! So guess where we go? Nope, not Venice, not Santa Monica, not Malibu, not Manhattan Beach, or Redondo, or Hermosa. Erasto surprises us by driving halfway to San Diego to............ a nude beach. Of course, with mostly men. We get there and I am so overwhelmed with penises that I fall asleep on the beach for 3 hours (fully clothed!). They wake me up and we drive back to LA and go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Lol, and we all order (it was 5 of us) the same thing, 1 chicken breast and 1 waffle and macaroni and cheese on the side. It was heaven. Danette and I get back to my house like at 8:45pm and we just talk till 10:30pm. Thank God we're both exhausted and we go to bed soon after.

Monday we both get up at 9am. Danette leaves today and I have surgery! You know, I can literally go on and on about how much I love Danette, but I'll save it for another time. We get ready, she packs, and we say our goodbyes. I leave at 11:30am for the hospital and my brother's girlfriend takes Danette to the airport at 12pm. I feel bad because I feel like I wasn't the greatest host since I was always tired. But I was really happy she was here and just being in her company, regardless of what we were doing, was enough.

At the hospital they scare me because they can't find my appointment in their computer system but it turns out I went to the wrong floor. So I finally check in and..... that's it! I had a moment in the pre-op room where I realize that I'm wearing brown slipper socks, white and orange leg covers (to encourage circulation and prevent blood clots), a floral hospital gown, and a light blue hairnet, and I just start laughing and I can't stop. Taken out of context, I realized how ridiculous I must look and it just made me laugh. One of the male nurses tells me that I have a great attitude and how good that is. It's funny because I get that alot. And for the most part, I am just me, just plain old happy smiley Maria. But I told him I have my moments. I don't know how natural it would be if you didn't get sad now and then.

Anyways, in the operating room, as soon as I get there they put the face mask on me and it feels like all I do is take 2 breaths and I'm out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. It's like 6pm and my mom is on her way to pick me up. The left side of my neck has a bandage on but I get to take it off in 2 days. They give me some morphine for the pain (me likey the morphine, mmmmmm.........) and a prescription for Vicodin. Finally my mom takes me home. On our way home, my phone rings....... it's Bertha and she's coming this Friday!!!!!!

Oh my goodness............. I get home and just go to bed............

So I called out of work on Saturday because Danette was here and I didn't want to go to work. That and I woke up feeling like shit. I swear, too much activity and excitement and I end up needing a lot of rest. I also called out today because of the surgery and I might call out tomorrow too. Because the doctor scheduled me in at the last minute, I couldn't ask for the time off ahead of time. I'm gonna regret it when I see my paycheck but oh well. Today I feel fine. Actually I feel better than when I had the port put in. Maybe it's because the port was put in when I was doing chemo so I was weaker then. I'll be back at work hopefully by Thursday, which is also the day I take off the bandage.

I made an appointment with the transplant doctor in 3 weeks. By then the PET scan and biopsy results should be in. Here's hoping for good results!!!!!

And that was my weekend!

In other news, I think it's over between Clay and I. We got in a big fight over 2 weeks ago and haven't spoken since. In my world, that's technically a break up. I miss him and I'm sad that it's over but I think it's for the best. Now is just not a good time. I just need some peace and quiet...............

Expectations: Aren't They a Bitch!

I just realized it's my fault. My expectations were all wrong. I expected things to go back to normal and I was so excited at that prospect. It didn't occur to me that I would have changed. And when things didn't click like I expected them to, I felt let down, betrayed even. I'm trying to force things to be a certain way instead of learning to accept how they are now. But I'm trying. It's just hard.

Kinda reminds me of how it felt when I first realized that my high school friends and I weren't on the same page anymore because my experiences in college had changed me. Or when I first came back to LA after being in Ithaca for 6 years.

Oh man, oh man......

It's coming to me now............

What's the Difference Between Being in Limbo or Purgatory?

I feel strange.... almost cut off from my body and my surroundings.

So I had like a meltdown that lasted about a week. It was just too much. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I am living my life. It feels disconnected to me. I am going to work, watching movies, hanging out with friends.... normal stuff. So normal that it feels abnormal. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Am I really here? Am I really doing this? Am I really just eating a hamburger? Like it's the most natural thing in the world?" For the last 8 months all I've wanted is to go back to living a "normal" life and now that I can, I can't. What was abnormal became normal, and I'm having trouble adjusting to what was once completely natural. Mind you, I've always eaten hamburgers and that didn't change during chemo. But for some reason, sitting down to have a hamburger now, feels different.

I just changed. Something inside me changed. Unfortunately, I can't go back to how I was, no matter how much I want to. I don't know if other people with cancer have felt like this. I grew accustomed to thinking I was different and now that I'm trying not to be, I feel more alienated from the people and the world around me. How do you just go back? I think it's also because I went back to work to the same place and the same people are there and they're still the same. But I came back different. So I'm trying to relate like I used to but I can't. Maybe if I'd gone to work somewhere else, in another environment with other people, I'd feel differently. But I didn't, so I don't.

That's why it's been hard the last week. All these normal people living their normal lives. It breaks my heart.

Except for this blog, I bottle my feelings and emotions up. I hope people don't think I'm always like this. But the truth is that lingering behind my bright smile is a touch of sorrow. And I feel like I can't open up because I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to sadden people with my misery. So I act like everything is ok, that everything is cool. But sometimes it just isn't.

I had a bad day today so I'm just venting. I missed a PET scan appointment today so I rescheduled for early Friday morning. I have another appointment that same day with the head and neck surgeon. Sometime in the next 2 weeks they'll be taking out the swollen lymph node in my neck to do a biopsy on it. Friday evening is also Diego's 8th grade graduation and later that night Danette flies into LAX. Fatima leaves early early the next day. It's going to be a busy 24 hours.

Tomorrow is my day off and guess what I'm looking forward to doing? Cleaning my cat's litter, changing the fish's water, and going to Target for some new face wash (maybe Cetaphil, my skin has become crazy dry literally overnight). The exciting life of Maria Morales! :) Who would've believed it a year ago......

I'm becoming a loner because I can't relate to the people around me. I am increasingly preferring the company of my cat and netflix movies to actual people. I don't see anything wrong with it though.... the solitude is comforting. I don't have to pretend or put on a show. For now, I just need it. I need to be alone.

I can't count the nights I laid in bed composing this entry. I'm glad I finally just sat down and wrote it. I feel like I've purged the demons within..... maybe not all of them completely, but hey, it's a start.

I guess it can always get worse, but at this point, it has to eventually get much better.

Back To Work

So I finally returned to work yesterday. Last week the HR manager called to ask me if I would be coming back and I kept giving her mixed messages because I just wasn't sure. It was actually what propelled me to say, "Fuck it, I'm going back to work." Within 2 days I got my doctor to write a note and I started yesterday. It was a little weird at first just because everyone I know kept congratulating me and asking me how I was doing. I know that they're just concerned but having 20 people ask me all day was overwhelming. Then there was the group of people who didn't know why I'd left and they kept asking me where I went and why I cut my hair. So yeah it was a little much but this week I only work 3 days and then next week I'll start full time again. I know that I didn't have to go back to work but I'm glad that I did because I need something to fill the void of the "waiting time." That and I just want to make sure that Bloomingdale's keeps paying my health insurance contribution. The last thing I want is to start paying COBRA, which significantly raises my health insurance payments.

My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to start researching embryo freezing. One of the more serious side affects of a bone marrow transplant is infertility. Should that be my next treatment, I'm not sure I would have enough time to consider freezing some eggs for the future so we're probably gonna do it now. Again, it boggles my mind that this is something I have to think about now but if I didn't do anything about it and then had a transplant, would I be able to have kids one day? I want that option to exist. It's such a big step to take with someone that I haven't been with for a really long time so I can't believe Clay is doing this with me. Sometimes I feel bad for all the things he goes through with me but at the same time, I don't know what I would do without his love and support. I'm just really thankful. Because I'm a cancer patient I qualify for a big discount which helps because it is not an inexpensive process. I just can't believe that I'm actually doing this.

So many things, so many things......

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a head and neck surgeon. One of the lymph nodes in my neck is swollen and they want to check it out. Again, further proof that the cancer has not gone away. It truly saddens me and sometimes I look at myself and still can't believe it's actually happening to me. I look at the statistics of Hodgkin's patients and I wonder why chemotherapy wasn't as successful for me. I hope that whatever comes next will be.

I spent Mother's Day with my mom and her friend and we had such a great time. All I did was hang out with them for two days. We went grocery shopping, did a carne asada, and listened, danced, and sang along to old cumbias. It was definitely good times. My sister is coming home for a week in 2 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming home for my brother Diego's 8th grade graduation so it should be a nice family reunion.

It feels good to spend time with my family right now. Just like going to work, it distracts me from my reality. It's a weird feeling because I'm still so happy and cheerful, so positive. But the minute I let my mind stray, I just get sad and I don't want to be. I like being happy, and I like making others happy.

So tell my why Lynette from Desperate Housewives might have a lymphoma? It was crazy.

It Was So Hot Today!

For Cinco de Mayo I did something I rarely do: I hung out with my brother Sergio. It's not often that we get to hang out so when we do, it makes me really happy. When I went away to college, he was only 11 years old and when I finally came back home, he was 17 already so it's taken us awhile to be able to relate again. Anyways, we were able to hang out and it was really cool (not to say that we don't, it's just not often).

I look at my siblings and I can't believe how old we all are now. During the holidays, it's tradition that we all sit around and reminisce about all the things we used to do to each other. I just can't believe that it was so long ago. My youngest brother is starting high school in the fall and then that's it. No more little kids in the house.

I found out this weekend that my friend Bertha is coming to LA in June. She and I used to share an apartment with our other friend Karyna who is getting married, hence the reason for Bertha's visit. I've kept minimally in touch with Bertha and not at all with Karyna, which sucks because the three of us were best friends for like 2 years. I am happy for Karyna but sad that our once close friendship deteriorated to the point where I didn't know she was getting married until the month before.

Which reminds me, I need to return alot of phone calls.

Bored

I met with the transplant doctor almost 2 weeks ago. Based on my most recent PET scan results, he couldn't tell me if the cancer had gone away. Apparently the results showed that there was increased activity but it wasn't clear whether it was cancerous or non-cancerous. So.... we're just gonna wait and see. I'm gonna have another PET scan done the beginning of June. By that point, if my cancer has not gone away, it should be strong enough to show up much more clearly in the scan. It's a little unnerving to realize that I have to wait for the cancer to potentially become stronger in order to decide what my next course of treatment is going to be. If that happens, I'll be considered to have recurring disease, which means a bone marrow transplant (or it might be a stem cell transplant) would be the most likely option.

At this point, I'm just thinking positive thoughts and hoping that everything will turn out well. I'm drinking a lot of tea, taking wheatgrass shots (which are pretty gross), and trying to improve my eating habits. I'd like to return to work if only to make sure I don't lose my health insurance through my job. However, they need a note from my doctor that says I'm ok to go back to work but my doctors keep telling me to chill out. Hopefully we can all compromise and I can return at least part-time.

Wait and see....

What can I do? Nothing.

Bad News

I received the results of my PET scan last week. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, my cancer hasn't completely gone away and it seems to have gotten stronger in my chest area. I met with my oncologist and a radiation oncologist but they couldn't tell me what my next course of treatment is going to be. It was suppose to be radiation in the chest area but now I have to meet with a transplant doctor first. I am not looking forward to it. I meet with him in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he'll say that I still just need radiation. The other option they had suggested was a bone marrow transplant after high dose chemotherapy. I'm trying to avoid this if at all possible.

I'm disappointed that my results weren't clear but.... I'm taking the news better than I thought I would. I think what bothers me the most is that when I've expressed my reluctance towards the transplant, my doctors have given me this look like, well if you need it, you need it. Like it's no big deal. It makes me want to scream. I know that they see cancer patients all the time and probably think that my case is not life-threatening, but a little sympathy and compassion from them would be nice.

So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll know what's going to happen next. I wish that things had been different but what can I do about it? When I first found out I had cancer, I was devastated. I definitely tried to act stronger than I felt. Now.... I just want to do what needs to get done (well, except for a transplant that is, that just scares me). I just want to be done with this madness! Maybe I just feel this strong because enough time has passed since my last chemo that I've let go some of my fear from it. It doesn't help that I spend alot of time doing nothing but waiting for my next doctor's appointment. I wish I'd gone back to work, even for only 2 months.

To make matters just a little worse, I'm almost positive I have an ear infection. I've never had one in my life but now I can't hear out of my left ear. I could go on another rant about how my doctor sometimes really makes me doubt her ability to practice medicine, but I know I'd just sound bitchy. Let's just say I told her about this months before and then again last week. Now I'm scrambling for an appointment for a problem that has gotten worse because my doctor didn't have the good sense to tell me to just see someone else from the very beginning. Breathe Maria, just breathe....

Other than that.... I don't know. My life's very boring usually. I just joined Netflix and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't to it earlier. Most of the movies on my list are 8o's movies, independent films, or foreign. I'm most excited about Chinatown, Gia, and St. Elmo's Fire. I've been watching too much E! True Hollywood Story, which is kinda funny because when I was in college I was addicted to VH1's Behind the Music. I guess I just like knowing about people's lives. So yes, Netflix should keep me distracted for awhile.

I know this sounds bad but.... I feel bad for people who have to date nowadays. Dating is just so hard. And the funniest thing about it is that while you're thinking that you just went out on a date with someone crazy, they might just be thinking the same about you. I've realized how hard it can be to meet someone that you actually like. Hearing my sister's and my single girlfriend's dating horror stories made me think of my own. Although sometimes hilarious, I can see how the trials of trying to find love can be depressing almost. I'm in a happy relationship now, but not so long ago I was part of that singles crowd. I was waiting for the magic just like everybody else. My best friend and sister recently ended relationships they were in so talking to them just reminded how hard it can be.

On a last note, I have a new cat. She's driving me crazy. I bought her a cat bed and a cat cave thing and she refuses to use either. She'd rather sleep on my bed which means my bed is now covered in cat hair. I used to have a cat in college so I should be used to it but the problem is now I'm overly obssessed with my health so I worry about getting some weird disease because of her cat hair or kitty litter. I know, I'm retarded. But I can't help it. So I'm gonna get her a cat blanket instead and spread it on my bed in the mornings. That way, cat hair ends up on the blanket and not my bed.

Eat Your Heart Out Charlie Brown!

This last weekend I went to Virginia to visit Clay's parents. I really enjoyed my trip but I came home feeling so exhausted.

Staying with Clay's parents made me see how differently Clay and I grew up. He had such an American Pie type of upbringing and mine was classic immigrant story. It made me think of how different our backgrounds are and how I've never actually gotten to know anyone like him before, even at Cornell. I used to think that I could never date someone who wasn't like me (in terms of background), or who didn't have an idea of what it was like to be a Latino in the US. I guess I just saw how opposite we can be in some ways.... And yet.... I like that we've bonded on a different level.

His parents were so nice and understanding. Again, I see how our respective relationships with our parents is different. I think mine is more respectful but not as honest and his is less respectful but more open and honest. I just loved his parents. For the first time, I can see how when relationships end, it's heartbreaking to leave the parents as well. Too bad we can't keep them as consolation prizes.

I was also able to see my friend Marty while I was there. I hadn't seen him in like 5 years almost so it was really cool that we had a chance to hang out. Hanging out with him made me miss my other Cornell friends. Marty said something while he was driving, about how life at Cornell was great because it was you living with your best friends, which was so true.... I think about all the people I knew while I was there and I wonder sometimes what their lives are like now.

It's a crazy thing to be at a crossroads. How taking a different path can completely change your life. I think of this because Marty has to decide where to go after law school but how many of us don't come to these crossroads all the time? When you decide where to go to college, what to do after college, whether or not to end a relationship, whether to marry someone, to accept a new job, to begin to have children.... Really, all of these are just natural progressions in life. I guess we all expect our lives to change in these ways and yet.... am I the only one who fears them sometimes?

Anyways, I did really enjoy my trip. It was a lot of fun, even when I was embarrassed sometimes. But I was so tired when I came back. I'm like a grandma, I had too much excitement and it took me 2 days to recover.

Yesterday I had a PET scan. I am hoping that it will come out clear and I will be done. I should get the results next week. Crossing my fingers until then....

Wishing You Good Luck

Today in the news it was announced that John Edwards wife's cancer had returned.

I just.... I have to say, my first thought was, wow, cancer does not discriminate. I mean, seriously, she probably had the best care the first time around and it still came back. It just really reminded me again how unpredictable the disease can be and how nobody, no matter how rich, powerful, or young you are, is immune to it. It brought my fears of a relapse to the forefront again.

However, I also have to admit, I realized how much I had pitied myself. I know this sounds really negative but, I can't even tell you how many times I've said, "If it comes back, I'm sorry, I just can't do this again." Like I've thought about what would happen if my cancer comes back and I really have contemplated refusing treatment. And the thing is, it's just that, I just can't imagine having to go through chemo again, it terrifies me. Or even worse, needing a bone marrow transplant. I had like a 3 hour meeting once discussing how I would receive high-dose chemotherapy, which would completely shut down my immune system, hence I would need a bone marrow transplant to kick start my immune system back up. I would have to be hospitalized for like a month. And that scares me, alot. I just didn't think that I could handle that emotionally or physically.

And then in the news I see someone who has to face that again and.... I was almost ashamed of myself. How could I so casually give up on life? Here is someone who is most likely facing something worse than I am and she is bravely and courageously moving forward and fighting on. I was moved. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself and really, I'm doing ok. If it comes back, I'll deal with it, I'll fight it. And I'll be alive and have the rest of my life to look forward to.

I'm so busy worrying about what might happen that I'm not enjoying the here and now. I'm so scared of a relapse that I don't even consider the possibility that it might never come back. I need to, and have to, believe that it might never come back.

I feel bad that I've even considered abandoning hope. I want to be and need to be a stronger person. I want to be proud of myself.

To my boyfriend, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being that way. I love you and I hope to grow old with you. And I am not a quitter. Not for me and not for you. Not now and not ever.

Aint That the Truth

So my brother brought home a cat which I am trying to appropriate. I haven't had a cat in like 5 years. The problem is my boyfriend can't stand cats, which really sucks cuz I totally love cats and have wanted one for a long time. He got me a new beta fish which was really sweet since I know he hated the last one. But the cat thing.... I don't think I'll be able to get him to come around on this one.

So the last Harry Potter book is finally coming out in July. Do you know how many years some of us have invested with these books? The first one was published in September 1998. That's almost 10 years ago! It's unbelievable to think that so many people have waited 9 years for the series to end. Jeez that J. K. Rowling made a killing! I wish I could say that I wouldn't be part of the horde, but unfortunately I joined the bandwagon years ago. It's too late for me now. I'll just save my glee and excitement for other people though.

A week from now I'll be going to Virginia with my boyfriend to meet his parents. At first I was really nervous but then I realized that I was the one that was making it a big deal. I guess I take it for granted that our proximity to my parents means he sees mine every so often. I've been spared that by distance so it's my turn.

Apparently Washington, D.C. is pretty close by so we'll be going there alot too. The last time I was there was maybe 4-5 years ago. I was only there for a day and half so it's not like I had time to really see the city so I'm really looking forward to it. As much as I love LA, sometimes I really like leaving it and going somewhere else. Before, I tried to get out of LA as often as I could, even if it was only for short weekend trips. There's just something about going somewhere else that I love. Maybe it's that I'm-on-vacation feeling that you get when you travel, even if it's to a place you've already been to before.

Every year I try to go somewhere I've never been before. The problem I have is that I don't do much international travel. Unfortunately, I've confined the majority of my travels within the US, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just not as exciting. My sister has done alot of international traveling, which of course I am envious of. After Virginia/DC, Seattle will be my next destination spot. I'm just really excited. What can I say, I love going to the airport and getting on a plane.

It reminds me of when I was younger and my grandma would come visit from Nicaragua and it was always this big event. We would all get dressed up and go to the airport hours before to wait for her with balloons and a camera to take pictures of her. It seems so over-the-top now but back then it really was treated like this big important exciting event. My first trips to and from Ithaca were also like this. My parents and siblings would all come pick me up with balloons and a camera. I felt so important and loved, lol! Now, I'm lucky if someone doesn't whine about the fact that they need to take time off their busy schedule to take me to the airport, how awful traffic is going to be, and can't I just take the metro there. The party is apparently over. Of course all the 9/11 rules haven't helped either. Traveling has been de-glamorized and robbed of its excitement. Is there anything they allow on the plane anymore? Seriously, I don't think you can just grab a carry on and backpack through Europe anymore, or at least I couldn't; I'd have to check something in, probably my lip gloss. Because God forbid I throw away $20 lip gloss.

I read something in a book that has stuck with me, it's from The Time Traveler's Wife:

"My vast powers of observation have led me to the conclusion that whatever remains when you have eliminated the impossible, is the truth, no matter how impossible."

I don't know why this sentence has stuck with me. I guess, and I'm reaching here, it makes me wonder, how does one arrive to a truth? Because we've seen it, heard it, touched it, or experienced it with any of our senses? Because we've tested it? And yet, people hold certain "truth's" without having experienced them. I mean, that's how we have religion. And what is truth? What is the nature of that which we call truth or even reality? I don't think I can completely develop my thoughts on this one. That and I'm sure some philosopher has probably already written stuff about it, I should just look up what's been written. I should save my philosophising to the experts.